A Father This Christmas?

by Louisa Heaton

  ‘Thank you.’

  She looked directly at him and stopped walking. ‘Can I ask something?’

  He nodded, squinting at her in the winter sunlight. ‘Sure.’

  ‘Why did you have no contact with them? They clearly love you. Care for you. I can understand how you didn’t want to be facing old memories by being here, but why didn’t you keep in contact with them?’

  He stopped walking and faced her. They were in a bit of a glade, surrounded by bare, knobbly trees. A robin chirped near them, singing its melody to mark its territory for any other robin that might be listening. It was a happy sound.

  He sighed, looking about him. ‘It’s difficult to say. I know they love me—and please don’t think that I take that for granted. I don’t. It’s just... I knew what it would be like after my wedding day. After Michelle died. They’d look at me with pity, and they’d want to support me and look after me, and I just felt that I didn’t deserve it.’

  ‘I don’t understand. Why didn’t you deserve it?’

  ‘It was my fault she died.’

  ‘But you weren’t driving that truck that hit her. You couldn’t have known that would happen.’

  ‘I know, but...’ He trailed off and stuck his hands into his pockets, obviously wrestling with telling her more.

  Why wouldn’t he say it? Did he not trust her enough yet? Or—her heart sank—perhaps he didn’t want to say it because he knew the admission would hurt her.

  He still loves Michelle.

  ‘I can’t tell you.’ He shook his head.

  Her worst fears were realised. He still had feelings for his dead fiancée! That had to be it. It couldn’t be anything else. It was the only thing she could think of that would stop him from confiding in her.

  The knowledge of what he was hiding pained her like a punch in the gut. Trying to be brave, trying not to show how much the realisation hurt, she decided to be magnanimous. She would still be his friend, and she was here to help him get through his memories.

  ‘You’ve made a big step forward by coming here today. You should be proud.’ Her voice almost broke as she thought about how she would have to step back from him.

  ‘The place reminds me so much of Michelle...’

  As he looked about him Eva tried hard not to show how much his words hurt.

  ‘We played here.’ He gestured at the ground. ‘Right in this spot. That tree over there... We climbed it. Many times. Tried to build a tree house in it. That small stream... That was where we built the rope swing. And inside the house in every room there’s a reminder of her.’

  Of course there is! I should never have come today. I could never compete with her memory.

  ‘I saw the picture on the mantel. Is that her?’

  He nodded.

  ‘She was very beautiful.’

  ‘She was.’

  ‘What happened to you after she died?’

  He let out a big sigh. ‘I shut down. I couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t bear their sympathy and their pity. I headed up north. Went to Scotland. Somehow managed to find a B & B that had a room and spent the New Year there. Then I just wandered around, basically, though I came back for the funeral.’

  She swallowed a painful lump in her throat, realising the depth of his feelings for Michelle. She couldn’t compete with this kind of love.

  ‘That must have been difficult.’

  ‘It was. I didn’t want to see anyone. Didn’t want their words of comfort. Michelle was dead because of me. Her mother was alone, crying, her heart in pieces, because of me.’

  ‘I’ve told you—it wasn’t your fault Michelle’s car got hit.’

  ‘Wasn’t it?’

  His eyes had darkened and the mood had shifted. She could tell he still had a lot of pent-up feelings about what had happened.

  ‘No. It wasn’t. Jacob...’ She stood in front of him and took his gloved hands in hers. The sun was shining into her eyes and she was having to squint to see, but she could see his tortured face in front of her. ‘What happened to Michelle wasn’t your fault. You’ve got to let go of that thought. Stop running from it.’

  ‘That’s the problem with running. You take your problems with you. They’re still in your head.’

  ‘I know. When Seb was born I felt so much guilt. Guilt that he didn’t have a father, as I hadn’t had a father. Guilt that he didn’t have a family around him, the way children should. And even though I did what I could to be a dad as well as a mum, I carried that guilt around with me like a millstone. It’s still there. I still feel it even though you’re here now. I still worry. What if you leave? What if you’re not ready? I’ve let you in, I’ve let Seb get to know you and love you, and yet you could still leave. I know what it feels like to lug heavy thoughts around.’

  He squeezed her fingers and lifted them to his lips, kissing her hands. ‘I won’t leave.’

  Mesmerised by the action, wanting more than she knew he could give, she looked up into his eyes. ‘You won’t?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I couldn’t. Not now.’

  ‘You’ll stay for Seb?’

  I know he’s not staying for me.

  He released her hands and stroked her face. ‘I’ll stay for you both.’

  He lowered his head to hers to kiss her, checking her reaction for any sign that she might refuse him—checking that she welcomed his kiss.

  Oh, she welcomed it! Wanted it. Wanted him! Despite her fears, despite her worries, she embraced the warmth of his soft lips as if it was the last kiss she would ever have from him.

  It was bittersweet. Knowing now how he felt about Michelle, she accepted that she would have to take a step back from him. Just let he and Seb be close. There was no room in his heart for her, too. Not now. He was a man wrapped up in the past, tethered by his pain to a ghost.

  His lips claimed hers, and as his tongue hesitantly entered her mouth and licked her own she almost groaned with wishful yearning and grief for her loss of him.

  The orchard was forgotten. Netherfield Village. The house. Jacob’s family was forgotten. Here beneath the weak winter sun, in Jacob’s arms, was exactly where she should be. But her heart was pained. She knew she couldn’t have him. This might be their final kiss. The end of their romance.

  ‘Eva... I’m so glad I met you.’

  Eva took a step back—away from his arms, away from what she wanted. Breaking contact, she managed a weak smile. ‘I know. Me, too. But... I’m not sure I’m ready for this. And to tell you the truth I’m not sure that you’re ready for this, either.’

  He frowned as the sun shone down on his dark hair, and she couldn’t help but notice how delicious he looked in his jeans and boots and a heavy black jacket. Still tanned and healthy from his African adventure.

  She sidestepped a snail that had not yet made it into hibernation, unwilling to ruin another life as she moved farther away from Jacob.

  ‘We both made our choices in the past, but it was easier to do so then. It was just us. Me alone. You alone. But now we have Seb, and we have to make the right decisions. The right choices. So we’ll get it right for him.’

  He nodded, studying her face, clearly hurt by her words. She watched him look at her, no doubt noticing the smattering of freckles that she could never quite hide with make-up, the way her mouth was curved into a false smile. He’d focused on her lips...

  ‘We should get through Christmas and then...start making some decisions,’ she said.

  Jacob nodded. ‘Okay. I’ll ask Dr Clarkson if there’s a chance to extend my contract.’

  ‘Right. Okay.’

  ‘And what should we tell Seb? Do we tell him we’re together or...? Kids are perceptive. Do we say anything at all?’

  She didn’t want to tell Seb anything! Why would she risk devastat
ing her son? She would die before she let that happen!

  ‘I think we should keep quiet for a while. We can discuss what’s happening later.’

  ‘Later?’

  ‘When you’ve worked through everything. When you’re finally...free.’

  He looked at her and slowly nodded. And she knew that he could see she was putting the brakes on their relationship.

  * * *

  Seb was out exploring the farm with Jacob and his dad, and Eva was in the farmhouse kitchen with his mother, helping her to clear up. There was an easy atmosphere between them and they worked well together—Molly wiping down the kitchen surfaces as Eva dried the dishes and put them away.

  They’d had a lovely home-made soup for lunch—carrot with coriander that had been grown by the Dolans—accompanied by Molly’s rustic bread rolls, filled with sun-dried tomato and onion seeds, which had taken the simple meal to another level. Now she was sated.

  If I were a cat, I’d be curled up in front of the Aga.

  Eva put the last of the dishes away, folded the tea towel and stood by the kitchen window. Looking out, she could see Seb and Jacob, chasing each other in the grounds, and she smiled.

  Molly came to stand next to her. ‘I never thought I’d see the day.’

  ‘Me, neither.’

  ‘Jacob...here...back on the farm. With his family. Where he’s meant to be. It’s going to make this Christmas really special, having him back.’

  Eva glanced at the older woman and saw a sadness in her eyes she’d never noticed before. Was it sadness at not having known about Seb? Was this going to be it? The moment Jacob’s parents told her how they really felt about missing out on their grandchild? Was this the point when the nice family turned on her?

  ‘I’m so sorry, Molly.’

  ‘What for, dear?’

  ‘For not persevering in trying to find Jacob—or any of you—to tell you about Seb. If you’re mad at me, I’ll totally understand—’

  Molly turned to look at her in shock. ‘We’re not mad at you! Oh, my dear, we couldn’t be happier! All right, we missed out on Seb’s early years and we’ll never get those back, but you’ve given us the greatest gift in Seb, and because of him we’ve got our Jacob back.’ She patted Eva’s arm. ‘Sit with me. I want to tell you something.’

  They sat down together at the broad oak table.

  ‘We never thought we’d see Jacob again after what happened—’ She stopped short, clearly unsure as to whether to say anything more, glancing over to the picture on the mantel.

  ‘I know about Michelle.’

  Molly nodded gratefully. ‘I didn’t want to say anything unless he’d told you. Michelle was a wonderful girl. She was lovely and she and Jacob made a happy couple. She grew up next door and was always in and out of our house. She never had any siblings, and we used to think she enjoyed all the family chaos she found here. It wasn’t till later we realised it was all because of her feelings for Jacob. She seemed so carefree and full of life, and we were all surprised when she became a trainee barrister—it all seemed so very serious for such a sweet girl. When they got engaged our Jacob was head over heels in love. It looked like his life was becoming sorted. A doctor...engaged to be married... The future looked great for them both. When they set a date for the wedding we were all so happy for them. Our son was going to be settled and we wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.’

  It was painful to listen to, but Eva could picture it all too well. ‘But then she died...’

  ‘Then she died,’ Molly repeated, nodding her head softly. ‘We were all devastated—most especially her mother. I did what I could to help her through it, but Jacob just disappeared. We were so worried. Frantic! We didn’t know where he’d gone.’

  ‘Grief does strange things to people.’

  Her eyes went dark. ‘It does. I’ve seen it. I never thought we’d get back the Jacob that we know and love so much, but here he is, with a son of his own, and he’s smiling again. We have you to thank for that, Eva. We can never thank you enough.’

  Molly took Eva’s hands in her own and held them tightly, squeezing hard.

  Eva smiled back, and then gave Molly a hug. Was this what it was like to be hugged by a mum? It felt so good, and Molly was so soft and warm and welcoming. A part of her didn’t want to let Molly go!

  Tears painfully pricked her eyes at this feeling of being so near, yet so far. Of almost having become a part of the only family that had ever welcomed her.

  * * *

  The next day they all sat down to a hearty breakfast together, though Eva didn’t eat much after a sleepless night. Molly stood over the cooker, making a full English breakfast, wearing a flowery apron and beaming at them all like the cat that had got the cream.

  Eva could see why she was so happy. She not only had her son back within the fold of her family, but a new grandson, too.

  Jacob suggested they might go for a walk into the village and have a look around before lunch.

  Molly thought that was a great idea. ‘We’ll come, too! We could have lunch at The Three Horseshoes before you have to go home.’

  They all set off, wrapped up in their winter coats, with Seb splashing through ice-covered puddles and making a nice muddy mess of his trousers.

  As they got closer to the village of Netherfield, Seb began to complain that his legs were getting tired.

  ‘Come here, champ.’ Jacob lifted him up into the air and over his shoulders for a shoulder ride.

  ‘Watch your jacket!’ Eva warned, noting the muddy rivulets running down Seb’s boots.

  ‘That doesn’t matter. The jacket will wash.’ He held on to Seb’s hands and they walked ahead of the others, Seb giggling happily, perched up high.

  Molly fell into step beside Eva and threaded her arm through hers. ‘Don’t they make a wonderful sight, the two of them?’

  She smiled. ‘They do.’

  ‘You must be so happy they’re getting on well?’ Molly asked.

  Eva nodded, forcing a smile. ‘Oh, I am! Christmas is going to be so special this year for Seb.’

  ‘And for Jacob, too, I suspect. He deserves a happy Christmas again. Things are looking up at last for the Dolans!’

  Eva said nothing. Were things looking up for her, too?

  * * *

  Jacob stood with his father at the bar of The Three Horseshoes. They’d given their group’s food order and were waiting for their drinks to be served so they could take the tray to their table.

  His dad patted him on the back. ‘It’s good to have you back, son. We’ve missed you.’

  Jacob smiled. ‘I’m sorry I went AWOL for so long, Dad. It wasn’t fair on you and Mum.’

  ‘We understood. We know you felt guilty about Michelle, but so did everyone else. You felt guilty... We felt guilty...’

  ‘Why did you feel guilty?’

  ‘Because we couldn’t protect you from the pain you were in.’

  Jacob could feel his eyes welling up. The burn of tears was being held back from bursting forth by sheer will. He was suddenly overwhelmed. Glad to have come home. Glad to be back with family and glad that they understood him.

  Eva had been right from the beginning. About him coming back. She’d known more about family than he had.

  He turned and looked at her across the pub. She sat with his mother, was smiling at something Seb was saying. But he could see that she was holding back. She had been ever since that moment in the orchard. They’d kissed and then...something had happened. She’d created distance between them and now she seemed to be...apart from them all.

  It was probably for the best, even if he didn’t like it. He couldn’t be with Eva the way he wanted to be unless he told her the whole truth of what had happened. That was the only way he could fully give her his hea
rt. By being honest. But if he did tell her... His heart sank at the thought. She would turn away from him. She would be appalled at what he’d done. She would want nothing to do with him and he couldn’t risk that.

  But she’s already turning away from me and I don’t want to lose her!

  Their gazes met across the bar. Eva looked at him for a moment and then glanced away.

  And he knew, in that moment, that he was already losing her.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  LEAVING NETHERFIELD HAD almost made her cry. For the first time in her life she had felt welcomed by another family. Jacob’s parents had managed to put right, in a single weekend, the years of hurt and pain she had felt every time she’d been sent back to the children’s home. She could remember every occasion of being placed in the back of the car, solemnly refusing to turn back and wave at the family she was leaving.

  But that Sunday as they’d left Jacob’s parents she had turned round. She’d waved, she’d fought back tears, and she’d felt as if she was waving goodbye to them forever.

  Being in Jacob’s company was becoming more difficult. She wanted to be with him! Had developed feelings for him. Wanted to connect with him, physically and emotionally. But she knew she had to hold herself back until his feelings for his dead fiancée had been resolved.

  If that were possible.

  She’d died in such tragic circumstances... Jacob would probably always feel something for her.

  Her yearning for him was intense. It was as if her body craved him when he was near. She would breathe more heavily, she would tighten her hands into fists to stop herself from reaching out to touch him, she would lick her lips in memory of his sweet kisses...

  It was torture...

  She felt scared. She’d never wanted a man so much! Never wanted to be with his family so much! To turn up again at Netherfield and know she’d be welcomed. That people would smile and be overjoyed at her arrival.

  Eva had never had that before. And she wanted it back. Not just for her, but for Seb, too. For all this time they’d been alone, never knowing what they were missing out on, but now they could be a part of that. A part of his family.