by Amy Metz
“He was parked on my mother’s street?” Martha Maye interrupted, looking stunned. “Why would he be parked on my mother’s street?”
“He told me he was new in town and had stopped to look at a map.”
“And I’m Crystal Gale, on my way to the Grand Ole Opry. Looks like he’s been following me for a while now. Estherlene said she’d seen him drive past the house a bunch of times. And to think I almost bought his I’ve-learned-my-lesson-I’m-a-changed-man routine.”
“Listen, it’s a beautiful night, you look beautiful, and I don’t want you to worry one pea-picking second about him. Can we try to forget about Lenny?”
“Kind of hard to do with him staring a hole in my face.”
The waitress came to take their order, and after she’d walked away, they tried to steer the topic toward more pleasant subjects. Martha Maye and Johnny slogged their way through dinner, the conversation stilted. She could feel Lenny’s eyes on her, and every time she looked up, he was staring right at her with his arms crossed and a hard expression on his face.
She vaguely heard Johnny ask how Butterbean liked her new school.
“She likes it just fine. She’s making …” Martha Maye’s fork made a loud clang as she dropped it on her plate. “Isn’t there something you can do?”
“You don’t have a restraining order out on him, plus we’re not in my jurisdiction, so I don’t rightly know what I can do other than have a man-to-man talk with him, which I’m guessing won’t go over real well, not to mention the scene it’ll cause. I’m sure if I ask him to step outside, he’ll take it as a challenge, but I have a reputation as a peaceful law officer to uphold and I’ll be danged if I’m gonna ruin it on the likes of him.”
They were quiet for a moment, each one thinking as they stared out at the lights reflecting off the lake.
“But I’m not taking your feelings lightly, either, and I do want to protect you, and I don’t want this clown thinking he can act like this, so here’s what we’re gonna do.”
Johnny took out his cell phone, and Martha Maye listened, breaking into a wide smile, as he formulated a plan with whoever was on the receiving end of the call. He signaled for the waitress, and whispered something to her as he paid the bill. “And here’s something extra for your trouble.” He gave the waitress a wad of bills.
“Okay.” He rubbed his hands together with excitement in his eyes. “Teenie’s gonna pass the word on to Hank and Skeeter. Give them a few minutes to get into place, and we’re good to go.”
“I love your plan.” She grinned at him. “Johnny, tell me something while we have a few minutes to kill.”
“What’s that?”
“How in the world did Teenie get that nickname? I mean, I’m not trying to be mean, but, you know—”
“I asked her that once. She said she was born premature. She jokes that she was the runt of the litter. With her name being Christ-eeene, and with her size as a baby, they just started calling her Teenie, and it stuck.”
“Is she married?”
“Naw. Beano says there was a rumor about her and John Ed last year, but now that he’s gone, I guess she’s on the prowl.”
“Maybe, maybe not. He’s still around, as we discovered outside of school the other day. But him and Teenie? Together as a couple?” Martha Maye’s face screwed up in disgust.
“Why not? They’re about the same age.”
“I guess. You think she’d have anything to do with him after what he did?”
“Depends on how strong her feelings were for him to begin with.” Johnny looked at his watch. “Let’s wait just a little bit longer.”
A few minutes later, Martha Maye and Johnny got up to leave without looking at Lenny. She looked through the round window of the door to the kitchen as she passed it and saw step one of Johnny’s plan ready and waiting.
Lenny threw some bills on his table and got up to follow Martha Maye and Johnny. As he reached the swinging door leading to the kitchen, the waitress came out with a broad tray, upon which sat a full pitcher of sweet tea and a big bowl of chicken gravy. The tray slammed into Lenny, who shrieked as he stepped back, shaking gravy and tea from his hands. Thick gravy fell off his shirt in globs, and tea dripped off his soaking-wet shirt and pants.
“Oops,” the waitress said, her hand over her mouth trying to hide a smile.
The mishap didn’t delay Lenny for long, but it was long enough for Martha Maye and Johnny to get into their cars. After directing a few choice words at the waitress, Lenny ran out the door after them. He glared as Johnny smiled widely at him, waved, and drove off behind Martha Maye’s car.
Lenny ran to his Ford Bronco, started it up, and raced after them. She’d just humiliated him again, and he was going to have to do something about it.
“You don’t know whose weeds you’s peeing in, Chief Butterfly,” Lenny shouted to his windshield, through which he could see the back of Johnny’s car up ahead, in front of two other cars.
Frustrated by the no-passing zone, Lenny tailgated the car in front of him and laid on the horn, but the driver didn’t speed up. Lenny pounded the steering wheel, cussed, and honked, but oncoming traffic kept him from passing the car for several miles. And once he passed one, he still had to get past another. He finally swerved around the second car and floored the accelerator. He was closing the distance between Johnny’s car and his own, but just as he entered Goose Pimple Junction’s limits, he heard a siren and saw red and blue lights in his rearview mirror.
He slammed his palm against the steering wheel and yelled, “Son of a bitch,” at the disappearing taillights of Johnny’s car.
You can’t hurry up good times by waiting for them.
~Southern Proverb
“He what?” Lou and Tess said in unison. They, along with Aunt Imy, were in Lou’s living room, working a jigsaw puzzle and listening to Martha Maye tell them about her date with Johnny.
“Yeppie. Lenny followed me, then he sat across the restaurant, drinking and staring a hole at my head, but I tell you, I would have loved to have seen his face when he was standing there dripping with chicken gravy and sweet tea. I called the waitress later that night to say thank you, and she said he was fit to be tied.”
Ima Jean took a tissue that was tucked into the waistband of her skirt and dabbed at her nose. “Roll that beautiful bean footage.”
Martha Maye nodded and added with a big smile, “The waitress said she felt guilty for taking Johnny’s tip. She said seeing Lenny standing there dripping was payment enough. She had an up close and personal understanding of the saying ‘madder ‘n a wet hen in a tote sack.’”
“Ooh, law, that is something I’d like to see footage of.” Lou pinched the middle of her bright-orange blouse and fanned her body with it a few times.
“I know, but I think he was even madder when Hank Beanblossom pulled him over.”
“He pulled Lenny over?” Tess clapped her hands together in delight.
“Yep, gave him a speeding ticket.” Martha Maye smacked her thigh. “He said Lenny was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees.”
Louetta placed another puzzle piece and said sarcastically, “Now tell me that was a random event.”
“Nope, it wasn’t. Johnny set it up before we left the restaurant. It was a thing of beauty, if you ask me.”
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” Aunt Ima Jean said.
Martha Maye leaned in and tried a puzzle piece, but it didn’t fit. “Oh, we won’t, Aunt Imy, but I’m not thinking too kindly of Lenny Applewhite right now.”
“So, Martha Maye.” Tess leaned toward her friend and asked hesitantly, “You and Johnny shook Lenny. And then what happened?”
“Yeah”—Lou leaned forward—”that’s what I wanna know. Get to the good stuff.”
“Nothing happened.” Martha Maye slumped back in her chair. “Johnny followed me home to make sure I got there safely, but Butterbean was at Honey’s, and she saw us drive up and ran out to meet us. Johnny p
olitely said goodnight and went on his way.”
“Dang. Not even a goodnight kiss?” Tess complained.
“Well, I am still a lawfully wedded wo-man,” Martha Maye said, imitating Lenny.
“Huh, maybe an awfully wedded woman,” Tess said.
“I’m sorry, sugar.” Lou patted her daughter’s hand. “I knew that man was up to no good when I saw him come into the shop the other night, and Tessie did, too. We didn’t buy his act for a second.”
“Amen.” Tess nodded.
“He tried his Mr. Wonderful act on me, but I’ve been around for a few presidents. He didn’t fool me, not one bit. A pig’s still a pig even if he’s wearing lipstick.”
Jack stepped out the front door on his way next door to get Tess, but he stopped in his tracks when he saw a dark, hooded figure lurking next to a tree across the street. It looked to Jack like the person was looking through Lou’s big bay window, where the women were sitting and talking in the living room. He watched with considerable concern as the person climbed up into the big maple tree he’d been standing under. Jack guessed he wanted a better vantage point from higher up.
Jack took his cell phone from his pocket and dialed the police station. Ever since the trouble of the past summer, he’d had the police department on speed dial.
Teenie White was on dispatch, and he told her to send a car to his house, lights and siren off.
“What’s up, Jackson?” she asked.
“Not sure. Somebody’s lurking around across the street, and I just saw him climb a tree. I don’t think he went up there after a cat. It doesn’t smell right. Just send somebody to check it out, okay? And tell them to kind of ease up the street. I don’t want to spook whoever it is.”
“Will do.”
Jack hung up and stayed put. He didn’t think Black Hood was aware of him, but he wasn’t sure. It took only two minutes for Officer Beanblossom’s car to round the corner. He pulled up in front of Jack’s house, and Jack walked across the lawn to meet him. As he did, he heard leaves rustling and then saw Black Hood jump down and take off, cutting through the backyard of the house across the street.
“He’s bolting!” he called to Hank, pointing. They both took off.
“Halt! It’s the law!” Hank hollered as he ran. The figure didn’t stop. Black Hood cleared the Rollins’ back fence and Hank followed in hot pursuit. The officer had youth and training on his side; Jack had more trouble climbing the fence. Just as Jack cleared it, he heard what sounded like a huge splash. The Rollins’ backyard was dark, but Jack knew his neighbors had an inground pool. Uh-oh. I hope that was Black Hood and not Hank.
He hurried in the direction of the splash and couldn’t help but chuckle when he saw who had fallen in. Walking to the edge of the pool, he offered his hand to Hank, helping the officer climb out.
“Didn’t know it was there, huh?” Jack’s mouth twitched as he tried not to laugh in front of the embarrassed officer.
Hank stood there soaking wet and dripping, trying to catch his breath. Breathing hard, with his hands on his hips and his head bent toward the ground, he looked up at Jack through wet bangs. “Don’t suppose we could keep this just between you and me.”
“I doubt it.” Jack finally gave in to laughter. He clapped the officer on the back, spraying water, then took his hand away, shaking it off.
“Aw, c’mon, Jack,” Hank whined as they walked back toward Jack’s house.
“Okay, partner, how about we strike a deal. I won’t say anything about your dip in the pool if you won’t say anything about this whoever-it-was to the girls.”
“The girls?” Hank said, his shoes squeaking and squishing as they walked.
“Yeah, any of the girls—Lou, Tess, Martha Maye . . .”
“How’s come?” Hank asked.
“Because there’s no use alarming them. Tess and Martha Maye have been through enough in the last six months. Let’s just keep a lid on this, at least for a while.”
“I’ll have to make a report. Your call’s on the dispatch records.”
“Will that report include your impromptu swim?” Jack asked.
“Well . . . ” Hank stalled.
“Then I don’t think you need to report you actually saw or chased anyone. Just report that I was mistaken. Case closed.”
“I’ve never falsified a report before, Jack.”
“And I’ve never been able to keep a juicy piece of gossip to myself, either.” Jack’s raised eyebrows implied, “Get my drift?”
“I’ll need to run this past the chief. I couldn’t in good conscience lie on a report.”
“You’re right, but you know the minute you file a report, word will get back to the ladies. Let’s just do our best to keep a lid on this.”
“Fudgesicles,” Hank said.
“Fudgesicles melt,” Jack said, handing the officer a handkerchief.
Monday morning, when Johnny walked through the back door of the police station and past the break room, Officers Beanblossom and Duke filed in on either side of him.
“Eeee doggies, that was fun on Saturday night,” Skeeter Duke said as they walked. “We were on him like cheese on grits soon as he crossed into the county. And let me tell you, that Mr. Lenny Applewhite is meaner’n a skilletful of rattlesnakes. We near about had to run him in.”
“I sure do ‘preshade you boys handling that little matter,” Johnny said.
“When we ticketed him for speeding, he accused us of ambushing him,” Hank said. “You better watch your back, Chief. He said he knew you’d set him up, and he said he was gonna put a knot on your head big enough to hitch a trailer to.”
“Ha!” Johnny chuckled. “He’s welcome to try.”
“That’s what I said. I told him assaulting a police officer is a felony. Told him to go ahead and try it.” Johnny’s head swiveled toward Skeeter, who quickly amended, “Go ahead and try it because you’d lay him out flatter than a fritter, and I’d throw his butt in jail.” Johnny nodded in approval.
“We did like you said and followed him after we gave him a citation,” Skeeter said. “He finally went on home, and—”
“And I sat in the cruiser outside the hotel until about four a.m.,” Hank interrupted.
When they walked into the reception area, they stopped and stared. Bernadette, at the desk, said in a overly bright tone, “Chief, there’s someone here to see you.”
Lenny jumped up from a metal chair, making it clang against the wall. “I want to report police harassment.”
The officers protectively clustered in front of Johnny, but he pushed through them, opened the little gate for Lenny, and said, “Why don’t you and me talk back in my office.” It was not a request or a suggestion.
Lenny walked through the gate.
“Follow me.” Johnny turned and said, “Officers, y’all may join us if you’re so inclined.”
“Aw, no. Y’all is just gonna gang up on me. I want a lawyer.”
Johnny let out a loud sigh and turned to Lenny. “You aren’t under arrest. You came to see me. Now, do you want to see me or not?”
Lenny’s eyes showed doubt as they went from Hank to Skeeter and back to Johnny. He squared his shoulders and tried to stand up as tall as he could. He finally said, “Do.”
They all filed into the police chief’s office.
Johnny sat behind his desk and gestured for Lenny to take the seat in front of it. Hank and Skeeter stood in the doorway. Johnny tried to keep his face neutral. “Now, what’s this about harassment?”
“That’s right. Your men followed me around all night Saturday. They can’t do that. It’s a free country. I didn’t do nothing wrong.”
Johnny turned to his men and said, “That true, Officers?”
Simultaneously, the men said, “Negative.”
“Oh, of course they’re gonna deny it!” Lenny twisted in his seat, looking from the officers to Johnny.
“Sir, we stopped you for a speeding violation and smelled alcohol on your person. You did
n’t blow over the legal limit, but in the interest of protecting our citizens, we thought it best to keep a watchful eye on you, lest you decided to imbibe some more.”
“That is total and pure, genuine bull-oney. One hunnerd percent grade A.” He pointed his finger at Johnny, who stared down at him. “Let me tell you, Mr. Policeman. You keep your officers away from me, and you stay away from my wife.”
Johnny leaned on his forearms across the desk. “Is that what this is really about, Mr. Applewhite?”
“It’s about y’all literally traipsing all over my civil rights, Chief Butternut, but while I’m here, I’m giving you fair warning—again—to stay away from what’s mine.”
“As you stated, this is a free country. If the lady in question wants to see me, she certainly has that prerogative.” He stood and leaned over his desk. “Just for the record, are you threatening a police officer?”
“Lookit, you Paul Bunyan wannabe.” Lenny jumped up and matched Johnny’s stance across the desk. Skeeter and Hank stepped forward, ready to pounce. “This ain’t no police matter. This is between me and you. Man-o and man-o. And you better look left, ‘cause you ain’t right. I’m determinated to keep you from sullying the good name of my wife and leading her down the dirt road into the mud.”
Johnny stared at him, trying not to laugh. He leaned in until their faces were just inches away. In a controlled, low voice, Johnny said, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your mouth runs like a boarding house toilet. I am nothing more than a friend to Martha Maye, and I’ll not have you insinuating otherwise. Now, you take your insults and your threats and get out of my police house, and while you’re at it, you leave Martha Maye alone.”
“Who are you to be telling me to stay away from my wife?”
