by Amy Metz
“Listen, Mr. Applewhite, if you have a police matter, I’m happy to discuss it with you, and if you want to discuss non-police matters, you call me at home, but I’m telling you, the lady does not want you around her, so you better watch yourself.”
“Or what?” Lenny taunted.
“Or I’ll be all over you like stink on a skunk.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Literally,” Johnny said.
Lenny turned to go but stopped at the door. Skeeter and Hank moved aside to let him through. He pointed at Johnny and yelled so everyone in the station could hear. “Did y’all hear that? That’s the second time he’s threatened me.”
He pointed two fingers at his eyes, pointed them at Johnny, and then back at his eyes, before he swung around and brushed past the officers. The three officers shared a look, shaking their heads.
“That boy is a dog of his own trot,” Hank said.
Bernadette appeared at the chief’s door. “Elvis has left the building.”
“And?” Johnny said.
“How do you know there’s an ‘and’?”
“Because I know that look. Go on, this is already starting out to be a stellar day. Lay it on me.”
“Roddey McClansky called. Says one of his chickens is missing. Says no way it ran off by itself.”
Johnny sat down, his chair squeaking, and sighed. “Okay, Bernie. Thank you.”
Bernadette walked back to her desk, and Skeeter said, “What are you thinking, Chief?”
“You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek.”
“Huh?” both men said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hank asked.
“Means we’re gonna catch us a thief. Get everybody in the squad room for a meeting at five o’clock.”
“Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance,” Aunt Ima Jean said as she let Martha Maye and Butterbean into Lou’s house.
“Good to know, Aunt Imy. Hireyew doing?”
“Sometimes you feel like a nut “—she clucked her tongue twice—”sometimes you don’t.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Martha Maye said, patting her aunt on the back. “Where’s Mama?”
“Ancient Chinese Secret.”
Butterbean’s face showed confusion until Lou bustled through the door in a bright-red dress with big white polka dots, wiping her hands on a dishtowel.
Martha Maye looked at her mother and her aunt and thought the sisters couldn’t be more different. Lou was a big woman whose body type matched her personality. She wore bright makeup and loud clothes and had a bouffant hairstyle and disposition. Her appearance and temperament were larger than life.
Ima Jean was petite and almost always wore a housecoat. Her appearance belied her personality. Her plain clothes, Brillo pad hairdo, and makeup-free face made for a surprise when she opened her mouth and proved her complete craziness. Both women were good people—as good as they came.
Butterbean’s face lit up. “Hi, Granny!”
“Aw, my babies! Whatchy’all doing?”
“We dropped our school stuff at home and came out for a walk. It’s too beautiful to stay inside.” Martha Maye kissed her mother’s cheek.
“Come on back, you two. I’ve got some double fudge brownies in the cookie jar. We’ll take them out on the patio.”
“Aunt Ima Jean, did Pickle ever admit to eating all your waffles?”
“No, he did not,” Lou answered for her sister. “And he didn’t take the Raisin Bran, either.” Lou gave Ima Jean a pointed look. This had clearly become a sore subject between the two.
“I’m sure we ate them all,” Lou said, “and Raisin Bran don’t just get up and walk outta the house. You can’t blame Peekal for everything. I think you’ve just forgotten how much you ate, Imy.”
“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing,” Ima Jean said, mimicking the old Alka Seltzer commercial.
“I know, but that must be what happened.”
“‘Cept it isn’t. I didn’t eat all those waffles. I’m sure of it.”
Martha Maye left her mother and aunt bickering and went to see who was knocking on the front door. “Hidee,” she said to a tall man in a bad suit standing on the doorstep.
“I’m looking for a Martha Maye Applewhite,” the man said, glancing at the envelope in his hand. “I was told I could find her here.”
“By whom?”
“Excuse me?”
“Who told you that you could find me here?”
“You’re Ms. Applewhite?”
She nodded.
“A neighbor of yours said you’d be here. My job is to deliver this to you. Have a good day.” He pushed the envelope into her hands.
Martha Maye looked from the smarmy man walking away to the envelope she now held. The return address read Louis P. Howe, attorney at law.
“Who was that, Mart?” Lou came up behind her. She peered out the front door and then nodded at the envelope. “What in the world is that?”
“A deliveryman of some sort. He gave me this.” She held up the envelope, then turned it over and ripped it open. As they walked back to the kitchen, she began reading it, stopped dead in her tracks, and gasped.
“What is it?” Lou looked over her shoulder.
“Um, Butterbean, would you go see if Mr. Jack would like you to walk Ezmeralda for him?”
“I don’t wanna right now, Mama. I wanna eat this brownie.”
“In that case, take some over to Mr. Jack. Don’t argue, now. Go.”
“Let me wrap some up for you to take next door,” Lou said quickly. The kitchen stayed quiet as she hurried to get the brownies ready, and Martha Maye continued to silently read the document she’d just received. When Lou finished, she handed the goodies to Butterbean, who reluctantly left, saying, “I know y’all just want to get rid of me.”
“Only for a few minutes, Bean. You come back in just a bit.”
Once she’d left, Lou said, “Darlin’, what on earth is in those papers?”
Martha Maye looked up, a heartsick expression on her face.
“Lenny’s suing me for full custody of Bean.”
Liquor talks mighty loud when it gets loose from the jug.
~Southern Proverb
“Junebug Calloway on line one, Chief,” Bernadette yelled into the intercom. She spoke so loudly, Johnny–in his office–could hear her voice booming from her desk as well as from the intercom.
He picked up the phone and punched the button. “Good morning, Junebug. Is everything all right?”
“No, everything is most certainly not all right.”
“What happened?” Johnny asked, rubbing his forehead.
“Somebody’s run off with two of Slick’s pies this morning. He had them setting out on the windasills to cool off. They weren’t there for more than ten minutes, and now they ain’t there a’tall.”
“When I find the culprit, I’ll string him up by his toes.”
Silence stretched out over the phone. Then, “This ain’t a laughing matter, Chief.”
Johnny cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You know how much I love Slick’s pies, so I do consider this a capital crime.”
“You still making fun?” she asked, in a tone that reminded him of his mother’s.
“No, ma’am. Tell me, did you see anyone or anything? Footprints? A car? Anything?”
“Nope. Just a totally barren windasill.”
“What kind of pie?”
“What’s that got to do with anything? A pie’s a pie, same as a duck’s a duck, ain’t it?”
“I’m just trying to gather all the pertinent information. I’m also wondering how one person could run off with two pies. Were they meringue? Fruit? What kind were they?”
Junebug put her hand over the phone, and Johnny could hear her muffled voice talking to Slick. She came back on the phone and said, “One was a Virtue and the other was Eve with a lid on.”
“Co
me again?”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Don’t you know nothing?”
“Guess not.”
“One was a cherry pie, and the other was an apple pie. Now what you got to say about that, Columbo?”
“Hey, I’m better looking than Columbo,” Johnny protested.
“You still making light of this situation?” she said, again in her mad mama voice.
“No, ma’am. I guess what that tells us is that it could be two people, but he—or she—coulda stacked them pies, seeing as they both had crust lids, correct?”
“Correct.”
Johnny sighed. “All I can tell you is we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got, but this bandit is slicker ‘n butter on a marble. I’ll write out a report, and we’ll beef up patrol over there.” He paused. “I really am sorry.”
“I know you are. Don’t let it eat you up. No pun intended. Just outsmart the booger, okay?”
“I’ll do my level best, Junebug. Count on it.”
He hung up and called, “Beanblossom!”
Hank showed up at the door, coffee cup in one hand, a donut in the other. “Yessir?”
“Put your breakfast of champions down and go on over to the diner. Look around, see what you find. Somebody stole some pies. See if you see anybody walking around with a cherry pie mustache.”
“You got it, Chief.”
Bernadette called out again, “Line one, Chief. Tess Tremaine.”
“Why don’t I have a good feeling about this?” Johnny muttered to himself. He punched a button on the phone. “Tess? Everything all right?”
“No. All of my babies are gone.”
“Babies? What do you mean? Your grown son lives in Birmingham. You —”
“My flowers. My hydrangeas, mums, marigolds, and asters. Thank goodness it’s fall and the garden is winding down, but what was there is gone. Every one of my blooms is gone.”
The sadness in Tess’s voice nearly broke Johnny’s heart. What is going on in this town?
“Gone? Like stomped on and plum ruined?” He looked at Hank, who still stood in the office doorway.
“No. Gone, like every blossom and bloom has been cut off. Not a one left. The plants are still here, but the flowers? They’re . . . not.”
“Flowers and pie. Some hooligan’s having himself a party.”
“Or herself,” Hank volunteered, gesturing with the donut.
“Whoever it is, they’re having one mighty nice blowout for themselves this morning,” Johnny said into the phone, looking at Hank. “Don’t worry, Tess. We’ll catch him. He-she-is gonna slip up real soon. Don’t you worry.”
Tess’s disembodied voice said, “Pie? Whatever are you talking about, Chief?”
“Now he’s calling me and leaving these horrible messages on my voicemail all the time,” Martha Maye said to Jack and Tess later that day. The three had just settled into a booth at Slick and Junebug’s Diner.
“What does he say?” Tess asked. She slid her hand into Jack’s, and he squeezed it.
“He says things like I’m not fit to be a mother and he’s gonna get custody of Butterbean and move far away from here. He calls me names, or he’ll call when I get home from the grocery store and ask if I’m gonna serve Johnny the pork chops I bought.”
“Now that’s just creepy. He’s following you around?”
“Like my shadow, and then he calls and says stuff to make sure I know he’s been watching me. Things like, ‘What book did you get at the library?’ Or after I’ve been helping Mama out at the store he’ll say, ‘Glad you’re working two jobs. That’ll just help me prove you’re an unfit mother who doesn’t have time for her youngin.’” Martha Maye had tears in her eyes, and she dabbed them gently with her napkin. “He’s horrible. I just don’t know what to do.” She took a big gulp of sweet tea, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“Have you told Johnny about this?” Tess asked.
Martha Maye shook her head, took another drink, and placed the glass on the wet ring it had made on the place mat. “No, but he did tell me that Lenny went to the station house and threatened him. I think he’s out of control.”
“First of all, Martha Maye, Lenny is not going to get full custody of Butterbean,” Jack said. “I don’t care how stupid judges can be sometimes—and as a former lawyer, I can testify there are some truly stupid judges out there. No judge would be stupid enough to give that man full custody. You have too many witnesses to testify to what kind of”—Jack searched for the right word—“man he is.”
“It’s the not knowing that’s killing me. Anticipation is always worse than reality.”
“I know, I know,” Jack said soothingly. “When’s the hearing?”
“Mid-November. What’s the second of all?” Martha Maye asked Jack.
“Oh yeah. Second of all, I’m going to shadow you for a while. I think it will make you feel more confident and safe.”
“Jack, I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask. I offered.” He thought of the hooded lurker and silently vowed to stick close to her.
“Thank you, Jackson.”
“And third of all, I think you should take out that restraining order like Johnny has suggested.”
“I guess so. I’ll go over and do that this afternoon.”
Junebug appeared at the table with a reassuring smile and a tray full of food. She put a bowl of beef stew in front of each of them.
“Here we go. This’ll fix those long faces right up. Bossy in a bowl for three. I’ll be right back with some corn muffins and some axle grease.”
Martha Maye looked at Jack and Tess, and a sad expression crossed her face.
Tess said, “Everything’s going to be all right, Martha Maye.”
“Oh, I expect so.” She stared at her stew, stirring it absentmindedly. “I just want what y’all have.”
“And we want that for you, cutie,” Jack said. “This is all going to get settled, and you’re going to come out better than you ever dreamed. Speaking of dream, did you have a good date with Johnny?”
“You mean Tess didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
Martha Maye told Jack about Lenny showing up at the inn and about Johnny’s plan.
“He called me and told me Lenny was fit to be tied,” she said.
“I just bet he was,” Jack said, laughing.
Junebug returned with corn muffins and butter and placed them on the table. “There you go. Eat up. We have chocolate pie today that some people would trade their youngins for. I’ll save y’all a piece.”
“You’re the best, Junie.”
“Don’t you know it,” she said over her shoulder. “If Tess ever dumps you, you know where to come!”
“Sorry, Junebug, it’ll never happen,” Tess said.
Jack winked at Tess. She turned back to Martha Maye.
“So what else did Johnny say about Lenny’s visit?”
“Oh, he threw a bunch of false accusations and veiled threats around, but Johnny told him what’s what and sent him on his way.”
“Good for Johnny. He’s a good man, Martha Maye,” Jack said.
She nodded and saw Tess suddenly stiffen, the color draining from her face as she looked out onto the sidewalk.
“What’s the matter, Tess?” Martha Maye asked, looking out to the street.
“I, I thought I saw someone,” she said, nervously taking a drink of tea. She took a corn muffin and butter and became engrossed in painting the bread with butter. Jack and Martha Maye exchanged confused looks.
“Tess.” Jack touched her arm. “Who did you see?”
Her eyes darted outside again, and then to Martha Maye, across the table. “I thought I saw John Ed. I haven’t seen him since right after the kidnapping.” She shivered. “It just brought that day back for a minute, that’s all. It probably wasn’t even him.”
“It was him,” Martha Maye said heavily.
Jack put his arm around Tess.
&n
bsp; “I saw him on the street the other day,” Martha Maye continued. “Said he’s trying to keep a low profile because folks haven’t quite forgiven him yet.”
“Yet?” Tess said. “Will they ever?”
“I think in time they will,” Martha Maye said. “The Lord says forgive and ye shall be forgiven.”
“Luke 6:37,” Tess said. “I’m just still so mad at him. I kept telling him someone was after me, and all he did was accuse me of having a—”
“Hissy fit with a tail on it, I believe it was,” Jack interjected. “John Ed’s biggest crime was stupidity.”
Martha Maye pushed her empty bowl away from her. “What John Ed did was wrong, but the real criminal is behind bars, and that’s where he’ll stay for a good long time. I still can’t believe I was so gullible not to see through that man’s lies.”
“You weren’t the only one he fooled, Martha Maye,” Tess offered.
Junebug appeared at the table. “Y’all ready for some pie?”
“Now there’s a real criminal right there,” Martha Maye teased. “Pushing calories on innocent, unsuspecting, calorie-fearing people.”
“Speak for yourself, honey. I want pie!” Jack said.
“Speaking of honey, here comes Honey Winchester and the girls,” Martha Maye said.
Honey came in with four little girls, including Maddy Mack and Butterbean. Martha Maye started to wave, but her fifth-grade daughter gave her a pleading look that said, don’t embarrass me, and she put her hand down.
Honey got the girls settled at a table and came over to Martha Maye’s booth. “Hey, y’all. Mind if I join the adult table?”
“Not at all, Honey.” Martha Maye slid over to make room. “Have you met my friends Jackson Wright and Tess Tremaine?”
“I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure,” Honey said, all eyes for Jack, ignoring Tess completely. “You mean the Jackson Wright? The best-selling author?” Honey squealed. “I have all your books! Say, you don’t suppose I could bring them over one night and have you sign them for me, do you?”
“Oh. Uh, well,” Jack stammered.
“Honey’s only been in town a couple of months,” Martha Maye told Jack and Tess. Then she directed her attention to Honey. “Honey, down girl, Tess and Jack are engaged.”
