Norman Snodgrass Saves the Green Planet

by Sue Bough

  “Yes, sir!” they replied.

  “Thank you both. Now, with your permission, I must be on my way – there is much to prepare.”

  “Ah yes, the anniversary celebrations are the day after tomorrow, aren’t they?” said Professor Zube.

  “Indeed, but in light of recent events I’m considering declaring it a celebration of our wonderful Planet instead. After all, it’s been around a lot longer than I have, and no doubt it will still be here when I am long gone.”

  “Very fitting, Zohar,” the Professor agreed.

  “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you all and I’ll see you at the celebrations. Norman, perhaps you could show me out?”

  Norman led the way obediently. Spong trotted behind, hoping for a walk. On seeing the front door, he ran around and around the Master Poggle until he became entangled in the hem of Zohar’s long robes. Norman hurriedly bent to free him. In doing so he noticed the Master’s feet, which were usually covered by his flowing cloak. His middle toes were much longer than the others…

  “Master! You’re a—”

  “Yes, Norman, you are not alone; but let’s keep this a secret between ourselves, shall we?”

  *

  Rumours were spreading fast. Norman was used to Poggles pointing and whispering about him, but today felt different. The Zube Tubes were still out of action so the old tunnels were crowded, and the walk to the school pod was punctuated with hushed comments as they passed.

  “… went to the Dark Side…”

  “… Professor Zube is back…”

  “… fought off ten Drones all by himself!”

  “… that’s his friend Ernie…”

  Norman and Ernie felt themselves colour with embarrassment and hurried on. They were relieved when the attention was drawn away from them as Bert Snatchitt popped out of the Zube Tube next to the school pod looking very worse for wear.

  “What on the Planet…?” he exclaimed as Poggles all around him held their hooters and stepped back. “The Zubes are full of dung! Who’s done this?”

  “Bert,” Chief Warden Faircop bustled forward, “didn’t you get the notice not to use the Zubes?”

  “I most certainly did not!” Bert was outraged.

  “I wonder how you got missed out?” Flint Zippo asked, aiming a sly wink at Norman and Ernie.

  “Oh dear, Bert! What a mess… Here, come inside and let’s get you cleaned up.” Miss Lastic stepped out of the crowd proffering a totally inadequate lace hanky.

  “Do stop fussing, Lucy,” he grumbled, but reluctantly followed her.

  Ernie burst out laughing.

  “Poor Bert,” said Norman. “Still, at least we’ll be able to smell him coming for a while.”

  “Yes. That’s not what I’m laughing at, though! It’s Miss Lastic – her name’s Lucy!”

  “And?” Norm couldn’t help smiling at his hysterical friend but he wasn’t sure what was so funny.

  “Think about it… Lucy Lastic!”

  *

  Ernie had just about recovered by the time school started. Miss Lastic was unusually late arriving and was met with pandemonium as everyone crowded round Norm, firing questions at him. Eventually she settled the class, only to lose control again as a message arrived confirming that the following day was to be a Planet-wide holiday concluding with a ceremony and party in the Star Chamber. Norman and Ernie grinned at each other as their classmates cheered.

  “Well done, Norman!” Jeli Mould actually planted a kiss on his cheek as she congratulated him!

  “Don’t know what you two are smiling at,” Boris hissed at them. “You might be flavour of the month today but I’ll be the one they’re talking about after my solo tomorrow!”

  Ernie came down to the Planet with a bump as he remembered his disappointment. Norman watched his friend shuffle over to the insect care area and forlornly set about his feeding duties. An idea formed in his head. Checking to make sure no one was looking, Norman snuck over to the shelves of jam jars and slipped something from one of them into Boris’s bubble bag.

  “The holiday’s not till tomorrow and we still have work to do today,” Miss Lastic said wearily. “Now quiet down and boot up your Data-Globes… Select screen two thousand and seventy-four… Any questions?”

  “Yes, Miss.” Ernie’s hand was raised as he stood by the insect tanks. “Could Fred be a girl’s name?”

  “What?” Miss Lastic was exasperated. “Not usually – why?”

  “Well, then, we need a new name for Fred cos she’s had babies!”

  Uproar broke out again, led by Miss Lastic this time as she and the class crowded over to the Baracs Beetles’ tank. Sure enough, Fred and Ginger were now the proud parents of seven miniature replicas of themselves, all waving their antennae hungrily.

  “But… Well, I just assumed we’d been given a boy beetle when I was told it was called Fred!” Miss Lastic looked puzzled. “I was certain…”

  “Well, one thing is certain,” whooped Ernie, “we’re gonna need a lot more dung!”

  Miss Lastic threw her head back and laughed.

  “We’re gonna need a lot more dung!”

  Hooting With Honours

  The Star Chamber had never looked so stunning.

  Flint Zippo had been up all night hanging hundreds of extra jars of Firelighters, and their gleam was reflected in the eyes of every creature on the Planet as they crammed into the hall.

  Norman tried to find a seat to one side, out of view, but had been steered to a bench right at the front by none other than Ilona Quinn. Moments later she escorted his mother, father and Spong to join him, and there they sat, self-consciously adjusting their best hats.

  Underneath Norman’s seat, eight glittering eyes reflected the Firelighters’ glow as Scheherazade peeped out, taking care not to be seen – she wasn’t going to miss this.

  At least I can see Ernie from here, Norman thought to himself, and he smiled at his friend in the Hooting Choir nearby. Miss Harmony was busy handing out sheet music and conducting a last-minute tune-up. From his seat, Norm saw Boris Whinge arrive, looking puffed.

  “Biss Harbody! Biss Harbody!” Boris gasped. “I’ve got a code id by dose ad I card blay!”

  “Oh Boris, how did you catch that? You were fine yesterday.”

  “I dode know… bud I foud a Sneezewort id by bubble bag… Sub-one must hab pud id dere.”

  Ernie looked across at Norman. His friend shrugged innocently.

  “Well, we don’t want you spreading your germs here. You’d better go and sit with your family. Ernie, do you think you can manage the solo instead?”

  “No problemo!” grinned Ernie, giving the thumbs-up sign to Norman.

  A few moments later a bell tinkled, silence fell and Ernie raised his snout. The Chamber was filled with a single pure note, which grew in volume, filling every space with liquid joy. The note became a cascade of melodic trills as wave after wave of sound washed around the room, and echo built upon echo to a glorious crescendo. Then, just as it seemed as if the room could hold no more, the single pure note shone through again, clearing the air, until it too faded to nothing.

  There was a brief moment of silence as Ernie lowered his snout and looked to the floor, and then the Chamber erupted in tumultuous applause and whistles. Poor Ernie glowed with embarrassment as Miss Harmony shook his hand proudly.

  Gradually the applause died away until just one person remained clapping. Everyone turned their attention to the back of the hall to where the Master Poggle was standing.

  He walked through the crowd towards Ernie, shook his hand and said, “Greetings, fellow Poggles, and be seated. I have a story to tell you about a Planet in peril. This Planet faces two dangers: one from without and one from within…” Murmurs of concern rippled around the room and Zohar raised his hand. “But fear not, this tale has an exc
eedingly happy ending and, unlike most stories, any similarity to living persons and real events is entirely intentional.” The murmurs turned to laughter.

  And so Zohar began to unfold the story that Norman and Ernie knew so well. The tension in the Chamber rose as, one by one, Poggles began to understand how close they had come to invasion by their old enemy the Drones. Panic broke out at the point where Zohar related Professor Zube’s plan and the Professor himself entered from the wings of the stage, dwarfing his audience. They were soon calmed as Zohar embraced him warmly, and hoots of appreciation were heard.

  “I must pause here,” Zohar raised his hand for silence, which fell immediately, “to thank my dear friend and bestow upon him the Star of Wisdom for his Services to Science.” He nodded towards Ilona Quinn, who handed him a ribbon of the palest golden yellow. The Professor bowed and took a seat on an empty table at the side of the stage.

  Norman and Ernie squirmed with embarrassment as the Master continued narrating and their own part in the tale became clear. Nearby Poggles began nudging them and patting them on the back.

  The Master paused again as he reached the point where Spong was stung by the Drone’s tail. Some of the younger Poggles in the room began crying and had to be comforted, until Zohar called Spong onto the stage. Norman was delighted to see him rewarded with a Rosette for Bravery. Spong bounced happily around, drawing ‘ahhs’ from the crowd.

  His mother was next and she found herself overwhelmed to receive the Star of Compassion ‘for Services to Medicine and Tea Making’. She curtseyed gracefully as Zohar pinned a pale blue ribbon to her hat.

  “And here is something more practical for you.” Zohar reached into his pocket and produced four golden wheels. “I understand the casters from your tea trolley have gone missing, and we can’t have that!”

  As the laughter died away, Zohar continued in a more serious voice. Now he began to reveal the true extent of the deadly toxic waste problem. He left no detail out, much to Norman’s shame when everyone laughed at his exploding hoover moment.

  “Here I must pause again to bestow another honour, on a man of wise words and timely actions… Arthur Snodgrass, would you come forward to receive the Star of Wisdom?”

  Norman rose to his feet with the rest of the Chamber and hooted loudly as his father bowed to receive his pale golden ribbon.

  “You have proved yourself to be a Master of Mechanics, and I understand there is nothing you can’t do with a bit of old wire?” Arthur Snodgrass nodded and obligingly produced a piece from under his hat.

  “I therefore have a request to make of you. The Professor could use an extra pair of hands to upgrade the Zube Tube network. There is also the matter of modifying the waste-pipe system as I am delighted to report that we have a new generation of Baracs Beetles to feed!” A fresh cheer went up at this news.

  “Professor Zube has some plans to create underground outlets to replace the Waste Dome. This will ensure a supply of fresh dung and eliminate the problem of toxic waste build-up in future. We would be delighted if you would accept the title of Chief Engineer and assist him.”

  Norman didn’t hear his father’s reply above the hooting in the Chamber but he watched with delight as Zohar handed him a pair of golden fine-nosed pliers.

  “And now to bring our tale to its conclusion… It started with two friends… Norman, Ernie… would you join me, please?” Now the hooting was combined with the thunder of hundreds of Poggle feet as Norman and Ernie shuffled shyly onto the stage.

  “You have heard their incredible story and know how we are all indebted to them. So, on behalf of all here, I would like to present Ernie with the Star of Loyalty for being a true friend in need…” He handed Ernie a purple ribbon.

  Mrs Sludgebucket wiped tears from her eyes as she proudly announced to those around, “That’s my son!”

  “I would also like to commend him for his fine Services to Hooting!” Another cheer erupted followed by a loud sneeze from Boris Whinge.

  “Finally, Norman… you have shouldered an immense burden and faced adversity with courage beyond your years. I know you doubted yourself along the way but, with the support of your family and friends, you shone through and proved yourself to be a brave and humble Warrior. It is only right that we give you the highest honour on our Planet – the Lightwise Star!”

  With that, Zohar handed him the most beautiful crystal he had ever seen. With its many fine points reflecting thousands of jars of Firelighters, it seemed to be made of light itself. It was attached to a deep scarlet ribbon, exactly the same colour as Spong’s fur… Norman’s heart missed a beat. Why was Spong red?

  A terrified cry from a Poggle at the side of the stage alerted him to the cause, as a deadly Drone emerged from the shadows.

  The fifth member of the Landing Party had been hiding deep in the tunnels since the explosion on the Dark Side which had destroyed its home. Now desperation had forced it to overcome its fear of the light. Enraged at seeing the cause of its misery standing before it, it launched itself at Norman.

  Strangely, it wasn’t this but the sight of a black Scudder racing towards the stage that shocked Norman into action.

  He yelped and stumbled backwards, throwing his hands up to shield himself. As he did so, the Lightwise Star was flung from his grasp. It soared high into the air, sparkling as if on fire, and then plunged towards the Drone. Silently, the sharpest point of the Star struck the Drone in the heart. At the same moment, Scheherazade sank her fangs deep into the Drone’s up-reared tail.

  The Drone gave a last cry of anguish and collapsed at Norman’s feet.

  Panic now erupted in the Chamber as Poggles ran in all directions. There was a dangerous crush at the back of the hall. Some of the Poggle Wardens were blowing their whistles while trying to guide the crowd to the exits. Bert Snatchitt, however, was shoving Poggles out of his way in an attempt to leave by the nearest Zube Tube.

  A pure, piercing note rose above the chaos. One by one, the Poggles turned to see where it was coming from. On stage, the seven Elders had encircled the body of the Drone and their heads were lifted in song. As they hooted, they raised their arms until their cloaks hid the awful carcass from view. Moments later they stopped, lowered their arms – and the body was gone.

  “Be calm, fellow Poggles – the danger has passed,” Zohar soothed. “Once again, Norman has saved the day!”

  Now the crush was at the front of the Chamber as the Poggles surged forward. Norman felt himself rise above the crowd as he was carried aloft on unknown shoulders, hats and flowers whizzing past his ears. The noise was deafening but wonderful.

  To his left, he saw his dearest friend Ernie also being paraded around the Chamber, his grin only just contained by his face. They caught each other’s eye and waved.

  Below him, his parents hugged each other and looked up with proud, smiling eyes. On the stage, the Elders stood and clapped furiously. Now the same height as Professor Zube, their eyes met and the Professor bowed and saluted. Beside the Professor, Zohar held Spong and laughed as he ducked his licks.

  “Norm felt himself

  rise above the crowd…”

  But in the rapturous chaos of the Star Chamber, one small creature was quiet and still in the shadows at the side of the stage. Nonetheless joyful, Scheherazade hid from view lest she be trodden on in the crush.

  She looked on contentedly with her eight shining eyes.

  Now, that, she thought, was a tale worth telling.

  Norman Snodgrass will return in…

  Norman Snodgrass

  Over the Moon

 

 

 
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