I Don't Regret You

by Larson, Jodie

  Jacob and Cassie aren’t bickering in the backseat as we head home. In fact, Jacob even volunteered to help Cassie with her homework so they can play on the Wii together. Stranger things have happened I guess.

  After parking in the garage, I carry in several bags of groceries and throw stuff together for a hot dish. There’s only so much I can do last minute that doesn’t involve pasta. The kids love Tater Tot Hot Dish, though, so it’s a win-win.

  The front door slams as I place the foil covered pan into the oven. When I stand, Mike greets me, brows drawn down, along with the corners of his mouth.

  “Where the hell is your car?”

  “It broke down last night so I had to bring it to Champion to get fixed.”

  With slow, methodical steps, he closes the gap between us. “How’d you get everywhere?”

  I gulp, a knot forming in my stomach as dread spreads like ice through my veins. “A friend picked us up this morning so the kids and I could get to school and work.”

  “A friend? You don’t have any friends. Are you fucking around on me?”

  “What?” I swallow hard. “No, of course not. And I do have friends.”

  “None that I’ve met.” Mike cages me in against the counter, shrinking me down to nothing as he looms over me. “You know the arrangement. Everything goes by me.”

  “I-I know, but you weren’t home until late last night. There wasn’t a good time to tell you. And I know you hate being disturbed during league, so I waited until today.”

  Darkness clouds his eyes, turning them almost black. I’ve never seen pupils that big before. He’s livid. He’s been cross with me before but never like this.

  Mike grabs my chin, pain instantly rushing to the area. “Just remember the rules and everything will be fine.” He releases my chin but I hold back from grabbing it. “And don’t think this is coming out of the checkbook. You better figure out a way to pay for it.”

  All the blood drains from my face as I sway with disbelief. “What? Why?”

  “Remember, my truck needs to get fixed and there are several out of town tournament weekends coming up, so all the extra money we have is going there.”

  “What about me? Mike, I need my car.”

  Alcohol tints his breath as he leans closer. “Then get another job.”

  Without another word, he turns and grabs a beer from the fridge, draining it quickly and tossing the empty can in the garbage. He takes another and leaves me alone, trembling against the counter.

  I’m supposed to make enough money to pay our bills, food, gas, and everything else while he uses his money to gallivant around and do what he pleases? How is this fair?

  If my parents were around, they’d be ashamed of me. My mom begged me not to marry him a week before the wedding. She told me there was something about him that scared her. Being young and in love, I refused to see it. Every year since then, more of his hidden personality has come to the surface, exposing the true man behind the mask. Right after Cassie was born, they left the state and moved across the country to get away from the winters.

  I wish my mom were here now. I could use her help and support.

  Holding a hand over my mouth, I stifle a sob as I sink down to the floor. I can’t keep living this way. No one should have this life. But I’m trapped with no chance of escaping.

  The world sinks around me. I’m caged in like an animal, beaten into submission. Mike has finally taken everything from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

  The TV blares in the living room. Mike is sprawled across his favorite chair, passed out with a collection of beer cans on the table next to him. After dinner, I made Jacob and Cassie go downstairs to the basement to play Wii. They didn’t need to see Mike drink and swear at the TV.

  Now is the perfect time to sneak into the bathtub and relax. It’s my sanctuary and the only time I get to forget the life I’ve sign on for.

  I grab my Kindle and fill a glass of wine. The aromatic bubbles calm me down as spearmint and eucalyptus ease my nerves. The warm water sloshes around my shoulders and I melt. For a brief second, I imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t married Mike. Would I have been a lawyer like I wanted? Would I even be married? Then Jacob and Cassie jump into my head and I sigh. Even after everything Mike has put me through, he gave me two beautiful children that I will always be thankful for.

  The Zip-lock bag crinkles in my hand as I pull up my latest find on my Kindle–a trick I found on YouTube in case I accidentally drop my device in the water. Which, knowing my luck, could very well happen.

  My phone dings next to me on the counter, pulling my attention away from the sexy soccer players of the Texas Mutiny.

  Henry: I take it you don’t need me tomorrow?

  I had briefly texted him at lunch, thanking him for the food. I didn’t tell him anything else, but I probably should have at least let him know I got things sorted out.

  Me: No, I got a loaner. Thank you for everything though.

  Henry: Anytime. Do you need lunch again?

  I laugh.

  Me: I saved half my burger for tomorrow. If I keep eating like that I’ll be as big as a house.

  Henry: Won’t matter. You’ll still be pretty.

  My heart does a weird flutter in my chest. I can’t remember the last time someone called me pretty, other than Mike’s drunken way last night. Henry is crazy. I’m far from pretty. What’s so great about a woman who allows her husband to walk all over her?

  Me: I’m not, but thanks. I’ll see you around sometime.

  Henry doesn’t respond, but I see he opened the message. Good. My text doesn’t warrant a response, so it’s easy to just leave it alone. Taking a large gulp from my chardonnay, I settle back into the quickly cooling water and let my imagination take me to faraway places.

  Mike snores next to me as I lay awake staring at the ceiling. How am I going to pay for the repairs on my car? Asking my parents is out of the question. I can’t admit defeat. Not to mention my mom will try to ask me to move closer to them again to get us away from Mike. He’d never allow it. With the way his temper has increased over time, I’m afraid of what he’ll do if I even suggest something like that.

  Another job…like I have time for that. I can barely keep my head above water as it is. But with as fast as Mike is spending our money, I know it’s a necessity. Maybe I can find something easy, something I only need to do a few nights a week so I’m not completely burned out. Let’s see, what am I good at?

  Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t have a degree or any sort of experience outside of what I’m doing. One thing is for sure, I can’t work fast food because of the conflict in hours, nor do I want to get looks from everyone in town. There’s always the gas station down the road, but I don’t think it pays enough, or at least not what I’m going to need.

  Something will come up. Maybe I can talk to Mr. Davenport and see if I can work more overtime. If I’m able to work ten hours or so a week for a month, that may be enough.

  I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t even know how much the repair is going to cost. Maybe it’s something simple, like a fifty-dollar fix. Then I’ll be okay.

  Or it could be a thousand and then you’re screwed.

  Closing my eyes, I count backward and will sleep to come as fast as it can.

  “Eight hundred dollars?” I must have heard him wrong.

  Dan, the guy behind the desk, gives me a sympathetic smile. “I’m afraid so. We were able to find some used parts, but the labor is what got you.”

  Typical. I wish I knew a mechanic who I could just pay with a case of beer to fix my car whenever it breaks. I know the job isn’t the best, but man, mechanics make pretty good money, considering how much they get paid by the hour.

  “And I suppose I can’t do a payment plan?” Don’t cry. Not yet. Wait until you hear him out.

  He tilts his head to the side. “Let me go ask.” Dan disappears through the door, leaving me to twiddle my thumbs while trying to
hold down my breakfast.

  Eight hundred dollars. How in the hell am I going to come up with that? Even if I get a part-time job, I won’t get paid for two weeks. And I doubt it’ll be that much without working forty hours on top of my current full-time job.

  Why is this happening to me?

  Seconds tick by from the annoying clock on the wall. It’s like a death count, reminding me of how long I have left to live before everything crumbles around me. My future hangs in the balance of this answer. If I can’t get a payment plan, I can’t get my car back, which means I’ll have no means of getting around. Winter is just around the corner and it’s not feasible to be without a vehicle.

  I’m not sure how long he’s been gone, but Dan walks back into the waiting room with a smile on his face.

  “Here’s what we can do. If you can give us a down payment today, we’ll agree to a payment plan.”

  “How much of a payment?” I chew on my bottom lip, almost to the point of drawing blood.

  “Two hundred now then we can set something up for you to pay weekly or bi-weekly.”

  Two hundred? That’s all my grocery money for the next two weeks. I suppose I have enough at home to scrape by, but we’d have to reuse as much as possible. Not that I have a choice.

  Taking out my checkbook, I sign my name with the payment for today. The check shakes in my hands as I hand it over. Bile rises in my throat as he stamps the back of it and writes down our agreement in the log book.

  “Sign here saying you agree to our plan.”

  I read it over, giving me eight weeks to come up with the remaining balance. A little less than one hundred dollars a week. It should be doable if I find another job. Something that pays cash preferably.

  After signing my life away, Dan hands me the keys to my Toyota Camry and I walk out the door. The sickness I felt an hour ago is almost gone, now replaced by dread. The overtime I’m working this weekend will help a little, but I was planning on using that to replace the money Mike was spending for his truck.

  I climb into the driver’s seat and fasten my seatbelt. Gripping the steering wheel, I look to the ceiling and sigh.

  “God, I know you’re putting me through every test you can think of, but could you find it in your heart to give me a break? Just once I need something to go my way. I promise I’ll be good and won’t complain anymore. But I need a sign that everything will be okay. Can you give me that?” A single tear streaks down my cheek. “Please?”

  I wipe my face with the back of my hand and start the car. The kids will still be in their activities at school for another half hour. If I want to solve my problem, I need to get out there and do it myself.

  Before I know it, I’m driving down Main Street, looking at the windows for any sort of Help Wanted sign. At this point, I don’t care if I’m a cashier at the crappy little corner store. If it pays well and can give me the hours I need, I won’t be picky. Still not doing fast food. I have my limits.

  As luck would have it, I drive by Lakeside Grill and see a sign in the window. It wasn’t there earlier this week. I wonder if I could be a waitress. They usually make good money, especially there since it’s always busy. But I don’t want to take advantage of my newfound friendship with Henry.

  I park in the lot and look down at my clothes. Only one salad dressing stain on my shirt, which isn’t bad. My skirt is a little wrinkled, but maybe they’ll flatten out when I stand. It’s hard to avoid them when you sit all day long.

  When I walk through the door, busy chatter and clanging of silverware against plates greet me first. Then the delicious smells coming from the kitchen draw me in. So many different scents, yet I can pick out each individual one. I glance to my right and see a table of six, laughing and eating while telling stories and celebrating. I smile. This is the kind of environment I’m looking for. It’s so different than my day job, and a million times different than my home life.

  A young girl, probably in her early twenties, greets me at the podium. “Good afternoon. How many?”

  She’s pretty, youthful, with her blond hair pulled elegantly into a neat chignon.

  Feeling self-conscious, I run a hand down my shirt and adjust my scarf twice before clearing my throat. “Um, yes, I’m here about the sign in the window?”

  Samantha–according to her nametag–smiles and nods. “Of course.” She digs behind the podium and comes up with a sheet of paper. “Just fill this out and I can give it to our manager.”

  Taking the paper and a pen, I sit on a bench and start filling out the form. Name, address, phone number…easy.

  Experience. None.

  References. None.

  Schooling. None.

  Hours you’re available. Limited.

  Why would anyone want to hire me? Based on this sheet of paper, I’d crumple it up and toss it immediately.

  I’m about to do so when a shadow looms over my head. Looking up, I see Henry’s smiling face.

  “What are you doing?”

  I bite my bottom lip to curb my embarrassment. “Um, nothing.” I start to crunch the paper up when he places his hand over mine.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  A lump forms in my throat. “No?”

  He shakes his head. “All you had to do is call and I would have hired you.”

  It’s like the air is getting thinner–or I’m slowly suffocating. “I didn’t want to presume you’d hire me because we’ve suddenly become friends.”

  “Suddenly?” He takes a seat next to me. “Joss, I’ve known you for years. Our kids are in the same grade. We’ve met before.”

  I adjust my position to face him. “It’s not like we’ve talked long-term. Sure, in passing or at school functions, but nothing socially.” Which is partially my fault because I never go out. Other than watching Mike play softball during the summer, I never leave the house. There was no girl’s nights out, no celebrating a promotion at work, or even attending a bachelorette party. My kids ruled my life. Now that they’re older, I could probably leave them alone to go out and have a few, but that would involve friends. Something I don’t have.

  “Well, let’s change that. You can start working here and we can start seeing each other more than in passing.”

  A smile threatens to pull up the corners of my mouth. “I’ve never waitressed before. You know how clumsy I am. Knowing me, I’ll probably spill an entire tray of food on a customer and you’ll lose business.”

  He laughs, deeply and heartily. “Doubtful. About you spilling the tray, not me losing business. If one customer walks out because of that situation, whatever. There will always be more. But you need the help and I’m able to give it to you. Come on, what’s the worst that can happen?”

  Let’s see…I could like it here, or I could hate it and dread coming to work. Then it’ll ruin my friendship with Henry, I’ll be blacklisted from ever working in another restaurant and the entire town will talk about me more than they already do.

  Or this could give me the freedom I’ve been looking for. A way to find myself after being lost for so many years. I could be more than Mike’s wife or Cassie and Jacob’s mom.

  I could be me.

  “Let’s say I take this job. What kind of training window am I looking at? You know my hours are limited to when I can be here. Not to mention that I have my kids to worry about.”

  “They can always hang out with mine in the back office on the days I have them here. The customers also get a kick out of them bussing tables or greeting them when they walk through the door. Adds to the down-home feel. We’ll work it out. Just say yes.”

  Three little letters with a loaded meaning. What Henry doesn’t know is he’s offering me more than a job. He’s offering me a chance at freedom. How can I say no to that?

  “Yes.”

  Another smile graces his scruffy face. “Perfect. It’s settled. When do you want to start?”

  “Soon. I just had to make a down payment for my car so I could do a payment plan.”
<
br />   He nods. “What about tomorrow?”

  I’m about to say yes until I remember the overtime Mr. Davenport asked me to work. “Can’t tomorrow. What about Sunday?”

  Henry taps his lips. “That should work. I won’t be here, but Stacy will be. She’s our manager and can easily show you the ropes. You’ll shadow either her or Ashley, our lead server. It’s generally slower on Sundays so that’ll give you a chance to study the menu and the computer system.” I widen my eyes, which makes him chuckle. “Don’t worry, it’s not hard. Pretty straightforward. After two training sessions, you should be good to go on your own. Want to take a weekday shift so you can start on the weekend?”

  “So I won’t be making money on training shifts?”

  “Yes and no. You’ll get your hourly pay, but no tips.” Which is what I figured. At least I’ll still be making money. Just not immediately.

  “I guess so. Which day would you like me to come in?”

  “What day works the best for you? I know Jacob and Cassie have things going on after school. Not sure if Mike is available to pick the kids up or not.”

  He’s funny. Ask Mike to tend after his kids? Wouldn’t dream of it. He used to scream at them when they were babies because they wouldn’t stop crying. That should have been my first indication to leave.

  “He’s not, but I’ll make it work. How long during the week?”

  Henry stands and walks to the hostess podium, grabbing the binder labeled “Schedule.” “We’re only open until nine during the week, so from five to nine? Or you can even come in at six if you’d like.”

  “Six would work out better. It’ll give me a chance to pick the kids up and bring them here.” I chew on my lip again. “As long as you’re okay with it, that is.”

  “I wouldn’t have offered it if I wasn’t.”

  I nod. “How about Tuesday?”

  Henry runs his finger down the piece of paper and smiles. “That’ll be perfect. Both Stacy and Ashley will be here to help you out.”

  I can’t help the smile that pulls at my lips. “Then we have a deal. This Sunday and Tuesday.”