I Don't Regret You

by Larson, Jodie

  “Tony’s a good guy. He wanted to work here so he could see Mila all the time, but I turned him down.”

  “Why?” I ask, swiveling on my stool to fully face him.

  Henry shrugs and leans his elbow against the bar. “I knew he would run himself into the ground if he worked here. And it wouldn’t have left the same impression with her if he were the server. So I told him to keep doing what he was doing, that she’d see him one day and things would work out. Lo and behold, they did.”

  “Are you some sort of matchmaker?” I giggle as I take a sip from my glass.

  He looks embarrassed. “Hardly. I just recognized something in him that I’ve seen before.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “A hopeless romantic.”

  “Do those still exist? I was under the impression that romance only lived in the pages of books.”

  Henry smirks. “Yes, they still exist.”

  I look down, studying my shoes harder than I should. “Maybe I just haven’t seen it before. Or it was always missing from my life.”

  “That’s a shame. A woman like you deserves a little chivalry.”

  I scoff. “Hardly. What have I ever done to deserve it?”

  Henry moves his chair closer, our legs almost weaving together. His hard thigh presses against mine and a sharp tingle runs through the connection. Not painful, more from awareness. Every nerve along the way buzzes with excitement. A hitch in my breath makes it feel like the room is slowly depleting of oxygen.

  Those blue eyes I can’t look away from peel back a new layer of my defense. Without warning, he reaches up and takes the ponytail holder out of my hair, releasing a waterfall of waves over my shoulders.

  “You are an amazing mother and person. Your sacrifices don’t go unnoticed. It takes an extraordinary human to put everyone else first before they consider anything for themselves.”

  “It’s how I was raised.” I twist the stem of my wine glass, trying to avoid his gaze. It doesn’t work because he turns my head to face him again.

  “I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t help myself.” He clears his throat, steeling himself up for something big. “Why did you stay with Mike for so long?”

  I get up and walk across the bar, wrapping my arms around my middle to ward off the impending cold that suddenly hit my body.

  “It’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot lately. I knew we were having problems, but I convinced myself we could work through them, or they’d go away if I gave him enough space. Space turned into distance, leaving us too far apart to come back together. At that point, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but didn’t know if I could make it on my own either.”

  Henry presses his chest against my back, his arms wrapping around mine, warming me up, letting me feel safe as I remember the past.

  I lean into his hold, letting my head fall back against his shoulders. This feels right, more than it ever did with Mike. He’d never take the time to see if I was okay, even when we were dating and things were fine. Sure, he’d make the obligatory effort in public, but at home, I was dismissed, shown how unimportant I was in his life. Somehow I doubt that’d happen with Henry.

  “I know I said I wanted to take it slow, be friends and let us progress naturally, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and watch you be hurt, even if it’s from a memory.” His warm breath hits my neck, dotting my skin with goose bumps.

  Standing here, wrapped in his arms, puts ideas into my head. What would happen if I allow us to cross the line? I tried once before and remember the feel of his lips pressed against mine, the way they moved in sync, never pushing or demanding.

  Henry’s trying to help me. Mom says I need to accept help when it’s offered. I turn in his arms and rest my hands on his shoulders, clinging to his shirt. My nails trail against his skin. I risk a glance, unsure of what I’ll find.

  There, in his eyes, I finally see what I’ve been missing. Compassion mixed with pain, probably because I was hurting. I reach up and remove his hat. He nods, giving me permission as I toss it to a nearby table. Those thick strands I only get a glimpse of feel like silk as I run my fingers through them. He closes his eyes, his breathing changing to something more sporadic, heavier, like it’s taking effort to fill his lungs and expel them.

  Inches separate our mouths. I can smell the wine on his breath as his lips separate. Closing my eyes, I lean forward and let go of everything in my head. Releasing all the baggage I thought was holding me down.

  Henry cradles my face, keeping me in place as he takes control of the kiss, moving faster, delving deeper into my mouth. The first brush of his tongue releases a sigh and a rush of endorphins that make my head swim.

  No one has possessed my mouth like this. Kissing like he needs me to breathe, like his life depended on it. I follow his lead, wrapping my arms around his neck tighter as I let him attempt to heal me.

  In this moment, nothing exists. Not Mike, not the last twelve years, not the loneliness that finds me in the dark. Here, in Henry’s arms, I feel more like myself.

  We pull back, breathless and lips swollen. When I open my eyes, I find Henry smiling down at me.

  “That’s what I wanted to do last week. Not that I didn’t like our first kiss, but I wanted it when you were sober and knew what you were doing.”

  Heat creeps into my cheeks. “I knew what I was doing. Trust me that moment has played on a loop in my head. I just wasn’t sure if you wanted it too.”

  Henry tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You don’t know, do you?”

  “Know what?”

  He shakes his head and kisses me again. My question never gets answered as we continue making out in the empty bar.

  Something he said earlier creeps into my thoughts. You’re not looking hard enough. Eventually we take our seats and fall into easy conversation about Christmas and what our plans are, presents we’re getting the kids, and traditions we can’t seem to escape.

  Then I see it. He’s right. I wasn’t looking hard enough.

  “Have you been Christmas shopping yet?” Mom is putting the last of the decorations on the tree, one she insisted on putting up. I haven’t had a real tree since I was little. It was hard to keep plants alive in this house, let alone a tree that will drop its needles everywhere without water. But the house smells amazing, even more so since Mom can’t stop baking. Every night she’s had a pie of some sort going. It’s like a bakery was transplanted into the middle of the woods.

  And I love it. Not only is it nice to eat desserts without being judged, it feels like home, bringing me back to my childhood. Back to a time when I was happy and had no worries.

  “I have a few things, but not much. Money’s a little tight.” I’ve been getting good tips at the restaurant lately, which has helped. I save half for presents, and the other half goes to the bills. Getting rid of the satellite package was a no-brainer. With my crazy work schedule and the kids’ after school activities, we don’t have time for it. And when the kids are home, they’re playing video games or reading books. That alone saved me one hundred and fifty dollars. Besides, we have the subscription stuff like Netflix, Hulu, and a few others for when I need to feed my addiction. And we still get the local channels, so everything works out in our favor.

  “Here.” Mom presses a piece of paper into the palm of my hand as I close the decoration bin. I gasp when I look what’s inside. Two hundred dollars. Is she crazy?

  “Mom, no. We’ll be okay.” I try shoving the money back to her, but she keeps me at an arm’s length.

  “Jocelyn, what have I told you?”

  I shake my head. “You and Dad worked hard for this money.”

  “And we’re choosing to spend it on you. Now, take the money and say thank you.” She gives me a stern look, one I know not to cross. I didn’t see it much as a child, but when it came out, I knew I was in trouble.

  “Thank you.” I remind myself that it’s not charity when it’s from your family. Mom always wan
ts to take care of me. Her being here is evidence of that. Their support is all the present I need. If it wasn’t for them, I doubt I’d be able to make it.

  “Why don’t you head out for a little bit? Get some fresh air and shop. Dad and I will watch the kids while you go relax.” She narrows her eyes at me. “You’re starting to get wrinkles on your forehead from worrying too much.”

  I slap a hand over the area in question. “Mom!”

  She shrugs and kisses my temple. “Just kidding. You look as beautiful as ever. The wrinkles make you distinguished.”

  I roll my eyes. “Still doesn’t help.” She has the decency to shrug before walking into the kitchen as the oven timer beeps.

  Warm apple pie. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the smell as it comes straight out of the oven. After one slice, I’ll head out.

  The mall is buzzing with people, all carrying multiple bags from their shopping excursions. Christmas music blasts from the speakers above, bringing a sense of nostalgia and some other foreign feeling. Happiness? It doesn’t take long for a smile to appear.

  Decorated trees dot the common areas. Lights dangle from the railings of the second floor. All we need now is snow. It’s been a few years since I’ve been here. The last few Christmases were rushed so I had to buy everything at Walmart, except for Cassie’s boutique purchase. I can’t forget that.

  My stomach grumbles. If I’m going to keep shopping, I need to get something to eat, and fast.

  The food court is packed. I’m not sure if a single table is open or not. All I see are heads everywhere. But the delicious aromas of baked pretzels, cinnamon rolls, Chinese food, and pizza make my stomach ache more.

  Weighing all my options, I settle on two tacos and a large drink and manage to find an empty table near the water fountain. The hum of multiple conversations echoes in the vast open area. Sunlight beams through the windows on the ceiling, leaving a trail of rainbow lights on various faces and tables.

  It may have been a half hour drive, but totally worth it for tacos and an afternoon to myself.

  “Jocelyn?” I look up mid-bite and find Brenda smiling at me.

  “Hey.” I wipe my hand on a napkin and motion for her to take a seat. The chair screeches against the tiles as she sits across from me. “What are you doing?” Stupid question.

  She holds up her bags with a grimace. “What else? You?”

  “Same.” I take a sip of my soda to clear any excess taco inside my mouth. “And I’m enjoying a day of shopping alone.”

  “That must be heaven. Mike have the kids?”

  I shake my head. “No, my parents are visiting. They volunteered so I could go alone and get all the presents.”

  Brenda twists her head in confusion. “Really?”

  With a deep breath, I decide to rip off the bandage. At some point, it’s going to come out. I’d rather be the one controlling who knows.

  “Mike filed for divorce.”

  Brenda slowly blinks at me. “What? Are you-are you okay?”

  I shrug, not knowing what else to do. “It’s been a shock.”

  “How long has this been going on?”

  “A month. We have another meeting with the mediator next month. From what my lawyer has said, the divorce won’t be finalized until late spring or early summer.”

  “It takes that long?”

  “Probably to give the couple time to get back together, I suppose.”

  Brenda leans forward. “Do you think you will?”

  “No,” I say with a shake of my head. “This is long overdue. I kicked him out first, then he filed two weeks later. Which tells me he’s had this planned for a while.”

  She reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

  Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. I’m done crying about this. For sure I don’t want to do it in the middle of a busy mall.

  Forcing a weak smile, I squeeze her hand back. “Nothing right now, but thanks for offering.”

  She retracts her hand and laces her fingers together. “That’s an open-ended invitation. Anytime you need anything, let me know.” Her eyes light up. “We need another girl’s night to celebrate.”

  “Celebrate?” I tilt my head to the side. What is she talking about?

  Brenda looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Perhaps I have. “Your newfound singlehood. Oh! We can set you up with someone. Between all of us, we have to know of a few keepers.”

  Should I tell her about the one I’m sort of in right now? Considering we haven’t actually said what we are to each other yet, now may not be the time. Then Henry’s smiling face pops into my head, along with the memory of his lips pressed against mine, the heat of his breath beating against my cheek, or the slick glide of his tongue.

  Can Brenda see my blush? Hell, I think the whole mall can see it. She raises a curious brow. “Or do you already have someone in mind?”

  “What?” I choke and sputter on my drink. “N-no. Why would you say that?”

  She leans forward as if telling me her deepest, darkest secret. “Because your face turned into a tomato just now.”

  I hide behind my hands, feeling the heat beat against my palms. “Oh God.”

  All Brenda does is laugh as she pulls my hands away from my face. “So, who’s the lucky guy?”

  “No one. I-I just thought about having to go back out into the dating world. It wasn’t so hot the first time around.”

  Her laugh overpowers the din of the conversations around us. “Bullshit. You like someone.”

  The heat in my cheeks isn’t going away. “Well, sure. I like a lot of people.”

  “Romantically?”

  “I don’t want to think about any romantic entanglements at this point. My main focus is my kids. I need to make sure they have a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and no worries whatsoever.” I look down and play with my napkin, ripping it into tiny little shreds. “Without knowing what will happen with Mike, I don’t want to jump into another relationship right away. That’s how Mike and I got together in the first place.” My voice is barely above a whisper with the last few words. They took more strength to get out than I thought.

  Brenda tilts her head again. “Understandable. Your kids come first.”

  “There are so many unknowns that I don’t think it’s fair to bring someone else into my crazy life right now.”

  Now it’s sympathy I get from her. I don’t want sympathy. There’s nothing wrong with the situation. Just a new normal that we have to adjust to.

  “You’re right.” She pats my folded hands. “When you’re ready, we’ll have the feelers out for you.”

  I laugh. “Okay, deal.”

  Tossing my food away, we stand and make our way back to the hallway. “Where you off to?”

  Brenda looks at her watch. “Home. Unlike some people, I still need to make dinner. Not all of us can have live-in help.”

  It feels good to laugh. “I will say this is an unexpected side effect. I just wish my parents didn’t have to give up their time to babysit me.”

  I’m swooped up in an embrace before I had time to argue. “They’re helping. Take advantage because once you have to do this on your own, you’ll wish they were still here.”

  “I know, especially considering we don’t see enough of each other as it is.” We pull away and smile, wishing each other good luck and happy shopping.

  The rest of my trip goes seamlessly. No more window-shopping for me. Every store I walk into, I leave with a bag. It’s something new and, I must admit, I like it. Either the sales are agreeing with me, or the fact I don’t have to explain everything I buy anymore, leaves me free to do whatever I want.

  Within the hour, I return home only to find everything is clean. And when I say clean, I mean CLEAN. The floors are swept and mopped, the bathrooms smell of bleach and citrus–my favorite scents.

  Mom’s in the kitchen loading the last of the plates into the dishwasher, still wearing her apron
from earlier.

  “Did you do all this?” I spread my bags across the table and plop down into a chair. My feet ache as I massage some life back into them. Even with the half hour drive, it didn’t stop the throbbing.

  Turning, she smiles and takes off the ever-familiar apron. “The kids helped, too.”

  I blink in stunned silence. “I’m sorry, what? My kids?”

  She takes the seat next to me with a chuckle. “Yes, my two angelic grandchildren. They were in charge of the floors and the bathroom counters. Everything else was your father and me.”

  “Speaking of, where’s Dad?” I look around and don’t see him anywhere.

  “He’s downstairs playing that Woo with the kids.”

  “The Wii?” I say, grabbing my stomach as I laugh. “This I have to see.”

  Mom and I sneak down the stairs to find all three of them jumping around to Just Dance. Some techno song blasts from the TV and my dad is practically falling all over himself, but somehow keeping up with the other two, who are killing it. Granted, they have the advantage of playing this game all the time. And being under the age of eleven instead of over the age of seventy.

  When they finish, Mom and I applaud their effort. Each of them turns around to take a bow. Dad looks like he needs a break.

  “How was that?” I pat his shoulder as I take his place next to the kids.

  He falls into the couch, red tingeing his cheeks. “I haven’t had a workout like that in a while.”

  “I bet not.” Grabbing the controller, I place the strap around my wrist, bouncing from foot to foot to warm up. “Let me show you how it’s done.”

  Cassie laughs next to me. “Your pick since it was Grandpa’s turn.”

  I scroll through the catalog of songs, stopping on one I know. “Hey Ya.” That shouldn’t be too hard.

  I. Was. Wrong.

  Sweat beads on my forehead, to go with the slight burn in my lungs. Holy crap, I didn’t think there’d be this much bouncing. The ache in my feet return. Cassie and Jacob demolish me, each scoring five stars compared to my measly two.

  Setting down the controller, I join my dad on the couch. He pats my knee. “Not so easy, is it?”