The Demon Lover
Page 29
Until this was made I must shelve other problems.
Kendal and I remained for a week in the castle while the Loge was prepared for us. The Baron had decreed that after our ordeal we needed to rest there for a while.
His word was law in the castle and no one questioned anything he commanded. That he should arrive with two women and a child from the siege of Paris was treated as though it were a part of the natural course of events-because that was how he wished it to be accepted.
When I thought about it, I could see that a perfectly logical explanation could be put on what had happened. He had found himself in Paris; he had seen a child about to be crushed to death and had thrown himself on the child and borne the brunt of the collapse of bricks and mortar. He had discovered the child to be the son of an artist whom he had once employed and because of the disorder in the Paris streets and the inability to get medical attention, she had taken him in injured as he was and he had stayed in her house to be nursed by her. It was all perfectly logical except one thing. He could not hide his affection for Kendal; and when it was considered how he behaved towards William who was generally accepted as his son this was very strange. Moreover, William was small and dark with his mother’s Valois nose. He seemed to be a nervous child but I quickly deduced that this was due to the treatment he had received. The man he believed to be his father ignored him and his mother seemed indifferent towards him too. Poor child, he had been made to feel that his presence in this life was rather unnecessary.
So of course they were wondering about us. Then there was the fact that the Princesse constantly referred to me as Mademoiselle Collison -and indeed I had been so called when I visited the castle all those years ago, and many of them remembered me. Moreover, the resemblance between Kendal and the Baron was becoming more obvious every day.
Oh yes, understandably there were speculations.
They were strange days. I think that if I had been my previous self I should never have stayed at the castle. But I had been more weakened by that sojourn in Paris than I realized. I was still suffering from the shock of Nicole’s death, which had been temporarily muted by other momentous events, but now that I had left Paris behind me, I thought of Nicole a great deal.
Then again there was the death of my father. The days of my childhood were constantly in my mind when my father had been closer to me than any other person. I was only now realizing that I should never see him again. So I mourned the two of them. I longed to hear what was happening to Clare. So my thoughts were dominated by my father and Nicole. I mourned them both afresh. The knowledge that it was the Baron who had sent Nicole to care for me made no difference to my feelings for her. She would always be remembered in my heart as my good friend-in-need, and it was only now that I fully realized what a big gap her death following on that of my father had made in my life.
As for the Baron, I did not want to think of him. Not that I could stop myself. I had to accept the fact that my feelings towards him had changed. I remembered so much about him-his lying on that bed suffering pain and refusing to admit it; the tenderness I sometimes saw in his face, the relief when I came into the room; his love for Kendal for love it was, although strongly tinged with the pride of possession.
“This is my son!” That was what he thought every time he looked at Kendal; and the fact that he so resembled him made the boy doubly endearing to him.
Somewhere at the back of my mind was the thought that he would never let Kendal go. And what would that mean to me?
It seemed that I was in a hopeless situation, and I saw it more clearly since I had come to the castle.
The Baron wanted his son. I believed that if he were free he would attempt to make me marry him. I should, of course, refuse; but he would attempt to bring it about. He always got what he wanted and now he wanted Kendal.
Two doctors came to the castle to look at the Baron’s leg.
While they were there he insisted that all of us-Kendal, Jeanne and myself-should be examined to make sure that the months of famine had not impaired our health. We were assured that we had come through without harm but that we needed good nourishing food to make us really healthy again.
That was true, I knew; and it was a great joy to see the change in Kendal every day.
I walked often during those days a little at first and gradually increasing the distance. I used to wander down to the edge of the moat and sit there remembering the day when he had come behind me and seen what I was sketching.
Now he found me there, and we sat in silence, looking at the water.
Then he said: “We came through, Kate. There were times when I thought we should never get out of that house.”
“I thought you always believed we would.”
“It was just the occasional doubt. The boy is recovering fast… faster than any of us.”
“He’s young.”
“He’s a de Centeville.”
“Also a Collison.”
“Divine combination.”
“We can’t stay here,” I said.
“You’re going to the Loge. Have you seen it yet? I’ll take you over it.”
“Now?”
“In a little while. Let’s sit here and talk first. Kate, what are we going to do, you and I?”
“I am going to the Loge and I shall return to Paris as soon as everything is normal.”
He laughed.
“How long is Paris going to take to recover, do you think?
There is rioting in the streets now. They are setting fire to some of the buildings there, I hear. How long do you think it is going to take France to recover? “
“Perhaps I should go back to England. I might set up a studio in London.”
“I want you to stay here.”
“Here! In the castle!”
“No … somewhere not too far away. I’ll find a place. I shall be with you … most of the time.”
“You mean I should become your mistress?”
“You could call it that.”
“Isn’t that what it would be called? The answer is no.”
“Why not? I want to keep the boy. I thought of legitimizing him... making him my heir. “
“But you have an heir. You have William.”
“You know that he is not mine.”
“He is in the eyes of the law.”
“I don’t accept that sort of law.”
“Unfortunately for you, the rest of the world does.”
“You know how it is with this marriage of mine.”
“You should try to understand the Princesse. You could grow fond other if you made an effort to do so. I know her. I worked on her portrait.
It is surprising how one gets to know people whose portraits one paints. “
“I know this: I don’t want to be with her… to see her … She has foisted that bastard on me. It is the worst thing she could have done to me.”
“See it her way. You understand these sudden impulses. Why should it be accepted that a man may indulge his and it is so dreadful when a woman does?”
“Because of the results when a woman does.”
“There may well be results, which should concern the men.”
“I did concern myself.”
“I know. You sent Nicole to discover what was happening to me and when you knew I was to have a child you set up that elaborate establishment.”
“You see, I cared. I made sure that you had the clients you would need. I satisfied myself that you were in good hands. I did everything I could.”
“Except that which you should never have done in the first place.”
“Are you going to hold that against me all our lives?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well, you will have to be with me to show me your resentment.”
“I have no help for it at the moment. I know it sounds ungrateful, but in view of everything, you must understand. I would not be here if it were not for the boy.”
“I know. Every time it is the b
oy.”
“And would you want me here if you did not have to have me to get Kendal?”
“That’s where you are wrong. If there were no child, I should want you just as much. Kate, be sensible. You know I want you … you only.
More than I want the boy, I want you. We could get more boys like Kendal. You did something to me. “
“I am glad there was some retaliation.”
“I feel vital when I am with you.”
“I thought you felt magnificent all the time … as the greatest man the world has ever known.”
“Well, that’s just a natural feeling. There is something special in it when I am with you. I want you and the boy. I would to God my wife would go to sleep one afternoon and never wake up. Then we would be married, Kate. I would convince you then.”
“Don’t dare say such things … in my hearing,” I cried.
“Other people have their lives, you know. We are not all on Earth to serve your needs. You used me for revenge … the pettiest revenge. You married the Princesse that your children might have that French royal blood which seemed so important to you … once. Now, you no longer feel that it is necessary. France is a republic now. A bos la noblesse. Therefore let us remove the Princesse.”
“I did not say I would remove her. I said I do not love her. I have never loved her. She irritates me and I loathe being near her. I wish she would die in her sleep. She is always complaining about her ill health. She does not seem to take much pleasure in life so perhaps she would not care greatly if she left it and ceased to be an inconvenience. At least I am truthful. I doubt whether I am the first husband with an unwanted wife who has felt the wish-even if he has not expressed it that she will pass gently out of his life. And as I married her, and she is a Catholic and royal, she would need a dispensation to annul her marriage, and I am sure she would never agree to that. It is only human nature that I should wish her gently to pass away. There. I am honest.”
I turned to him.
“You alarm me when you talk like that He took my hand and kissed it.
I went on: “You seem to get what you want… always.”
“Yes, Kate, so I do. And one of these days I’ll have you and the boy . and all the others we shall have. We were meant for each other. Your spirit. your independence . your lovely dark-red hair . I think of them all the time. I shall have no peace until we are together as once we were for three nights . remember. One day we shall be together again. Don’t tempt me too far, Kate. “
I said: “I see I must leave the castle.”
“You will be in the Loge close by.”
“You make it very difficult for me. I don’t see where I can turn. I know I ought to go away though … right away.”
“And take the boy? Submit him to … what? He needs care. He needs peace of mind. The sort of life he had to lead in Paris has its effect on a child’s mind. I won’t have him taken away from here.”
“You couldn’t stop me if I wanted to take him. You have no claim.”
“As his father …”
“Your part in his conception was minimal. The sort of chance encounter. There are many such. I can never understand why it is thought that a father should have a claim to compare with that of a mother. That child has grown in me … he has been my life from the moment I was aware of his existence. Don’t talk to me about claims.”
“Fiery Kate. Beloved Kate. Every moment you convince me that I cannot live without you.”
“What has the doctor said about your leg?” I asked.
“Nothing can be done. It needed attention at the time. I’ve lost some of the bone. I shall limp for the rest of my days.”
“And the pain?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Sometimes it’s there. Not as it was. Now it’s merely an irritating nagging. It is worse when I’m angry and when the weather is cold.”
“You can’t change one,” I said, ‘but you can the other. So . don’t get angry. “
“Take care of me then… as you did in that house… only differently. Let’s be lovers as we were before … only differently again. Let us be the tender passionate lovers which we could be, you know.”
“Let us go and look at the Loge,” I said.
He rose obediently and we walked round the moat.
The Loge was there nestling under the shadow of the castle . growing out from its walls, as it were.
“It was added on several hundred years after the castle was built,” he said.
“Some time in the eighteenth century, I believe. One of my ancestors built it for his mistress. Afterwards it was used by some of the servants. I don’t think it has been inhabited for some years now.”
He led me in. There was a big room with a great fireplace and a flagged stone floor. There were some pieces of furniture in the hall an oak settle, a long table and some chairs.
“You could make it cosy,” he said.
“There is a fairly large kitchen and several bedrooms. Remember it is just a port in a storm.
I turned to him.
“It’s really good of you,” I said.
“I’m afraid you think I’m rather churlish at times. I know I owe you a great deal .. “
“But nothing will ever settle the score, will it? Perhaps in twenty years’ time, when you and I are no longer young and I have shown you a lifetime of devotion and that with you and the boy, and the other children we shall have, I can be quite different from that savage you once knew when you recognize in me the only husband you could possibly love, then we shall call it quits. Do you think so?”
I turned away from him, but he was beside me.
“Do you, Kate?” he insisted.
“You speak of the impossible.”
“It might not always be impossible,” he replied.
I was to remember that. later.
I was growing more apprehensive. The more I returned to what I called normal, the more I realized the difficulties of the situation into which I had fallen. There was one great recompense and that was Kendal. In less than a week he had started to put on flesh; he had regained his normal vitality; he was a healthy, happy boy. That he loved the castle and this new life was undeniable. He was growing more and more fond of the Baron I was beginning to call him Rollo to myself now. Kendal was not in the least in awe of him and I don’t think Rollo had ever had that sort of regard before. He spent a lot of time with the boy.
It was only the third day after our return when he told Kendal that he wanted to show him something rather special in the stables; and when they had gone down there together a white pony, such as he had described on Christmas Day, was waiting.
Kendal came in to tell me about it, cheeks scarlet and eyes glowing.
“There it was, Maman … There it was … just like the Baron said . and it’s mine.”
After that he had to learn to ride. Sometimes Rollo took him out and they would ride round the greensward by the moat. Sometimes one of the grooms took him.
The next day Jeanne came to me, her eyes glowing with wonder.
“Look what the Baron has given me,” she said.
“Do you remember the Christmas presents we talked of? Well, here is the brooch .. just as he described it. He said I had been so good, looking after you all …”
She turned away, her eyes filling with tears. She was delighted with the brooch. She had never had anything approaching its value before.
Being a practical Frenchwoman she would see it as a nest-egg, but it would have a sentimental value for her as well.
Kendal was overjoyed when he saw it. He kept talking about it and when I went down to the moat I saw him on his leading rein with Rollo beside him.
He shouted to me: “Watch, Maman. Watch me. Baron, please … don’t hold the reins.”
He was allowed to trot on his own.
“He’s going to be a fine horseman,” said Rollo.
I stood there looking at my son, his eyes sparkling, his cheeks flushed with healt
h, laughing proudly, watching us to make sure we were admiring him.
He came back to us.
“Jeanne has a brooch,” he said.
“It’s her Christmas present come true.”
Then he laughed suddenly and took my hand. He was looking for the sapphire ring which Rollo had described.
He was disappointed. I said: “Well, aren’t you going to trot again?”
But Rollo would not let it pass.
“You are looking for the ring,” he said.
“Maman is the only one who has not got her present.”
“Hers is not ready yet,” said Rollo.
“When will it be ready?” demanded Kendal.
“She ought to have it, oughtn’t she?”
“Yes,” said Rollo, ‘she ought to have it. “
“But when … ?”
Rollo looked steadily at me.
“When?” he repeated.
“We can’t all have presents,” I said.
“You are lucky to have this lovely pony, and Jeanne is lucky too.”
"You ought to be lucky, Maman. “
“I’ll tell you something,” said Rollo to Kendal.
“She will have that ring one day.”
He was looking at me steadily with that burning gaze which reminded me of that long-ago bedroom . I felt excitement rising within me.
My feelings for this man were beginning to be beyond my comprehension.
Marie-Claude was showing a great interest in me. She wondered, naturally, how I should have come to be with her husband in Paris. She could not quite accept the account of the chance meeting during the bombardment when he had saved Kendal’s life.
She had changed in some ways from that young girl who had blithely gone off with her lover at the fete champetre and conducted an intrigue with him. Then she had been reckless and impuslive. Now she had become a nervous and apprehensive woman.
She was far from displeased that I had come to the chateau and had no wish for me to leave and go to the Loge. I think, strangely enough, I offered some comfort to her.
Then there was William. Poor little William! My heart went out to him from the moment I met him. Poor child, he must have been unwanted before he actually made his appearance. I wondered what Marie-Claude’s feelings must have been when she knew that she was pregnant and she would not be able to hide the fact that the child was not his from the husband who terrified her.