Fearless Hope: A Novel

by Serena B. Miller

  “Maybe a little,” she answered. “I have no desire to run around all over the countryside, but it would be nice to have a pickup to drive to get farm supplies when they are needed. Englisch drivers are sometimes unavailable when you most need them.”

  Levi’s eyes narrowed. “Are you thinking about jumping fence, Hope?”

  “Of course not,” she said. “Just because it was the right decision for you doesn’t mean that it’s the right decision for me.”

  Still, she couldn’t help running a hand over Levi’s car just for the sheer enjoyment of it. The finish was as smooth as glass. She had heard that secreted in the body of the car were air bags that could save a life if there was an impact. But being able to drive a car was a shallow reason to leave a church. Even if it was tempting to have strong steel and air bags to protect her children.

  She had faith in God. A lot of faith. But it was hard to believe that it was God’s will every time one of her people’s lives was lost because of a careless Englisch driver. It hadn’t bothered her so much before she had children. Now it was on her mind constantly whenever she was on the road and Englisch cars were passing by so fast they made her buggy sway.

  Levi wiped his hands on a rag. “Something is bothering you. What is it?”

  “Logan Parker asked me to marry him,” Hope burst out. “He said he would become Amish in order to do so.”

  “Oh!” Levi’s eyebrows lifted. “Now that is news, indeed. And how do you feel about this?”

  “I think he is being very foolish.”

  After tying her horse to the railing, Tom, who had overheard their conversation, weighed in. “You’re right, Hope. The man has no idea what he’s saying. I was actually raised Amish and yet it has been a struggle for me to go back to the old ways after being in the military for so long. Being married to Claire and enjoying the close fellowship of my people again has made it worth it, but that’s a terribly hard decision for someone like Logan to make.” Tom paused. “He must love you very much.”

  “I know,” she said miserably. “He loves my children, too.”

  “I’ve gotten to know him pretty well these past few months. I like the man and I trust him,” Levi said. “How do you feel about him?”

  “I love him.” It felt a little strange having this conversation with two men, but she had always valued Levi’s opinion, and was learning to value Tom’s. “But I don’t want to go through what you and Grace have. It wouldn’t be fair to put the children through that.”

  “But what we’ve been through has been worth it,” Levi said. “Yes, we had our bumps along the way while we got some things figured out, but our commitment to one another never wavered. When you and I were little, Hope, of all the cousins, you were always the one who took the most risks, climbed to the highest limb in the tree, tamed the meanest barn cat. I always thought you were fearless.”

  “I never thought of myself that way.”

  “You were, though. I always admired that in you. What you’ve taken on since Titus died is pretty impressive, too. The marriage counselor Grace and I finally agreed to talk to taught us that the root of anger is almost always fear. That was a surprise to both of us. We discovered that most of our fights were fear-based. I was afraid she would leave me; she was afraid I would control her to the point of losing her identity.

  “Now you seem to be angry about the fact that a man you love is willing to join the Amish church in order to marry you.” He slammed the hood of his car so hard it startled her. “What is it that you are afraid of?”

  “That’s easy to answer,” she said. “I’m afraid that Logan won’t be able to live Amish, that it will be too hard, and he’ll give up and leave me. That the children and I will have our hearts broken when he leaves. I’m about half afraid that he’ll get himself killed just trying to harness my horse. The poor man has no business around farm animals. Logan is a writer, not a farmer.”

  “Well, if that’s the case,” Levi said, “there’s something else the counselor taught us that’s been a big help to me and Grace.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Compromise.”

  “How can I compromise?” she asked. “Logan is either Amish or he’s not.”

  Levi bent over and started wiping off his tools one by one and placing them in his tool box. “I wasn’t saying that Logan was the one who needed to do the compromising.”

  “How . . .” Hope stopped midsentence. She thought she knew exactly what Levi meant. “Have you and Grace settled on a church yet?”

  Levi straightened up. “As a matter of fact, we have. We’ve started going to the one where the Troyers go. Grace likes it there. I like it there, and most importantly, as far as I can tell, it’s Bible based. The people there aren’t perfect, I doubt that their doctrine is perfect, but they’re trying awfully hard to love each other and follow Jesus. Truth be told, it’s a relief to have found a place to worship. Grace and I are doing great.”

  He looked at her and she looked straight back at him. In silence, they had a weighty conversation without saying a word. Could she compromise? Would she?

  She knew what Levi had gone through leaving his Swartzentruber church. From what she had seen of Grace, the woman was worth any sacrifice Levi had made for her. To give up one’s soul for another was wrong. To give up five hundred years of tradition? Maybe that was not so wrong. Levi had made it plain to everyone that although he had questioned his church’s Ordnung, he had never lost his faith in Christ. Grace had considered herself a Christian as well. A Bible-based church. People who loved one another and tried to follow Jesus.

  “I’ll give it some thought,” she answered. “Thank you for the advice.”

  Levi did a half salute with a monkey wrench. “Let me know if you ever need someone to teach you how to drive, Cousin.”

  As she walked away from the two men, her head was spinning with questions. What was at the core of her belief in God? Doctrine? Tradition? Martyred ancestors? Or was it nothing more than a pure and simple faith in a resurrected Christ?

  Millions of people came to Holmes County every year, from what she could tell, at least partially because they longed for a simpler lifestyle, but she knew the truth. There was nothing simple about her people’s lifestyle. Not when their various Ordnungs prescribed everything down to the width of ribbon a man could wear on his hat. Rules on top of rules. Yes, it brought about an enviable vision of unity—but were her people unified in heart? Not always. People were human. There were always those who gossiped and judged. Those who strayed. Those who were so small-minded they became mean-spirited.

  If Titus were alive, she wouldn’t be having these thoughts, but she was the spiritual head of her home now. It was she who had the right to decide what her children would be taught and where. She remembered years ago, when she had attended a Sunday school class with some of the Troyer kids. How she had loved it! Classes taught on a child’s level. Coloring little Bible pictures. A story taught with a fascinating object they called a flannel-graph. Even as a child, she had wondered why such a thing could be wrong.

  Once considered, it was as though a floodgate opened in her mind. If one of the children was to become ill, and she had a truck, she would be able to drive to the hospital so very quickly. If she were Mennonite she could have a telephone in her home or even carry a cell phone with her. Not for frivolous chatter, but for business and emergencies. If she were Mennonite, she would have a greater choice of fabrics with which to make her clothing and her children’s clothing. If she were Mennonite she could . . . oh my! . . . take classes in agriculture or animal husbandry!

  Her thoughts were so radical, they scared her, and yet, having entertained these rebellious thoughts, she could not manage to shove them away.

  Ivan’s church did not require one iota less moral accountability than her Amish church. In fact, the church Ivan’s family attended met together twice a week instead of twice a month, like her Amish church.

  Changing churches was not some
thing to be done lightly. Ivan and Mary had done so only after much prayer and consideration. She had been a child, playing with their children, and had heard many of their heartfelt discussions as they wrestled with the decision.

  If she ever did make that change, and right now it seemed too radical to seriously contemplate, she wanted to make certain it was for the right reasons, and not just because she thought it would be convenient . . . or might make it possible to be with Logan.

  Still . . . the idea that she had the right to purchase a car with seat belts and air bags was a heady one. Isn’t that what a good mother did? Protect and teach her children?

  Levi called her fearless. She was not fearless anymore. Except when it came to her children. Then, she would face anything and anyone, if it meant protecting them or giving them a better life.

  Her mind was roiling so badly with these new thoughts that she sat down on Elizabeth’s porch swing for a moment to try to pull herself together. If Logan was willing to become Amish for her sake, then becoming part of the Troyers’ Mennonite church would not be all that much of a stretch for him—and he’d have the added advantage of his brothers and sisters and Ivan and Mary there to encourage and strengthen him. She believed that with all that behind him, he could go the distance as a Christian.

  She straightened Esther Rose’s tiny Kapp as she lay sleeping in her arms. Then she arose and entered the clinic Grace and Claire had created. There was a lot she wanted to talk to Grace about, and not all of it was medical.

  • • •

  Becoming Amish had made perfect sense to him when he’d been lying on his bed daydreaming about how thrilled she would be with him for making such an extreme decision in order to be with her.

  He had not factored in the possibility of angrily shouting a proposal at her while still in pain from a horse’s kick . . . and covered in fresh manure.

  Nope—it had not been his finest moment by a long shot.

  Still, her negative reaction surprised him. It was like she thought he was stupid or foolish—and he wasn’t. He’d been reading up on the Amish, trying to learn everything he could. He’d already made an appointment with the bishop to start whatever sort of catechism thing they made people go through.

  He wanted Hope, he wanted those children, and he wanted God in his life. He also wanted to belong to the community of people he saw around him.

  Giving up was not an option. He would show Hope that he could do this. He could become Amish. Others had done it. It hadn’t been easy, but they had done it.

  It was his custom to shower and shave before he went to bed each night. Tonight he followed the same routine, except for one thing. He put his razor away on the top shelf of the bathroom cabinet.

  It was time to start growing a beard.

  chapter THIRTY-ONE

  There were a lot of changes involved in becoming Mennonite, Hope thought. But there were also many similarities.

  Like the Amish, the Mennonites were pacifists. Like the Amish, the Mennonites believed in adult baptism. Like the Amish, the Mennonites believed the Bible was the inspired word of God. That was pretty much where the similarities ended.

  One of the spiritual differences that she found herself drawn to was that the Mennonite church the Troyers attended was much more grace-driven than the particular Old Order Amish church that her parents and the Schrocks attended.

  The idea that Ivan and Mary introduced her to—that God’s grace was ever-present in a believer’s life—drew her like a spiritual magnet.

  The other changes she would like to make were not spiritual ones, but they still involved a certain amount of thought on her part. She had seen Mennonite women wearing jeans, and wondered how that would feel. Her guess was that it would make working in the fields easier, but she didn’t know. Some women claimed that dresses were a lot cooler outdoors than pants.

  She didn’t know how she would wear her hair, either. Women who did not wear their hair beneath head coverings had to take care of it in a different way. She wasn’t sure she wanted to drop the idea of a head covering entirely. Perhaps a kerchief instead of a Kapp. At least a kerchief would be easier to wash and keep clean, not to mention a lot cheaper.

  A big problem was that now that Logan had come home, she was having to live with her parents until she could make other arrangements. How was she to change when she was still beneath their roof? There were going to be some terrible fights when she told them what she had planned, and why.

  Perhaps she was taking too much for granted. She should probably see if Logan was okay with this. Perhaps he actually did want to become Amish.

  But she did not think so.

  She tossed and turned for two nights after her conversation with Levi, trying to gather her courage to do this thing she realized she had been wanting to do for a long time. The problem was, she did not know how to be anything but her father and mother’s obedient daughter, and Titus’s obedient wife, not to mention Bishop Schrock’s not quite so obedient daughter-in-law.

  Oh, it was going to cause such a stir! People would talk about her, and much of that talk would not be kind.

  But was she doing anything wrong in God’s eyes? She did not think so. She wasn’t so shallow that she would give up her soul for a man. All Logan had done, with his proposal and ridiculous attempt to be Amish, was to precipitate a decision that had been simmering in her subconscious for a long time.

  • • •

  “Simon?”

  “Ja?”

  “I need to learn how to push a plow today.”

  “Push a plow?”

  “You heard me.”

  Simon scratched his head. “The plowing time is over for now.”

  “There must be something I can do.”

  Simon began to sidle away.

  “Stop that!” he said. “I need to learn how to do an Amish man’s work. Teach me how to pick corn or bale hay or something.”

  “Corn’s not ready yet. Hay’s not ready, either.” Then Simon brightened. “There’s always manure to shovel.”

  “No.” Logan shook his head. “I’ve had enough of manure. How about hoeing something?”

  “Already done.” Simon looked up at the sky. “Already getting too hot to hoe today anyway. You need to get up really early to get that done while it’s still cool.”

  “I could shear sheep, maybe.”

  “Hope would throw a fit if you touched her ewes.”

  “Feed cattle?”

  “They’re pretty happy grazing where they are.”

  “You really aren’t any help, Simon,” he said. “How am I supposed to become Amish if I can’t even hoe?”

  “I have an Amish friend who works on a computer at Keim’s Lumber,” Simon said hopefully. “Maybe you could get a job there.”

  “I don’t need a ‘job,’ I have a ‘job.’ I want to learn to do something . . . Amish.”

  “We have some fences that need tightening, some posts that need straightening. You could help me work on the fences.”

  “Great!” Logan was ecstatic. Building fences. Now that was something that sounded Amish!

  “Did you forget to shave?” Simon asked.

  “No. I’m growing a beard.”

  Simon sighed.

  By the time Hope arrived, he had smashed his thumb, ripped a hole in his pants, cut himself on barbed wire, and discovered that growing a beard was one itchy proposition.

  “You look like you’ve had a hard morning,” she commented as she lifted Esther Rose out of the buggy.

  He was happy to see her. “Me and Simon got nearly thirty feet of fencing fixed,” he boasted.

  Something told him to turn around, and he did . . . just in time to catch Simon in the middle of an eye-roll.

  “Simon is fully capable of putting up fencing without any help.”

  “I told you.” He stood his ground. “I’m turning Amish.”

  “Is that why you didn’t shave?”

  “Yes. I’m growing a beard. All Amish
men wear beards.”

  “Not all of them. Did you notice that Simon doesn’t have one? Amish men grow beards after they get married, not before.”

  He had not known that.

  “You mean I can shave it off for now?” He hoped his relief didn’t show.

  “You and I need to talk,” Hope said. “Do you care to babysit, Simon? This might take a while.”

  “Sure thing.” Simon accepted Esther Rose into his arms. “Sure beats fixing fences.”

  It wasn’t until they were inside the house that Hope spoke. “I’ve been giving some serious thought to the idea of leaving the Amish church.”

  “Whoa!” He was floored. “Why?”

  “I have many reasons, but what I want to know right now is . . . would you consider going to Ivan and Mary’s church with me if that is where I started going?”

  “After what the Troyers did for my mom? I’d be happy to!”

  “Good.”

  “Are you really serious about this, Hope?”

  “I talked with Levi. And with Grace. It won’t be easy. The bishop and my parents will want to talk to me. People will say I’m doing this just because I’m in love with you, but yes, I’m serious.”

  He heard only five words. I’m in love with you. And suddenly, he felt ten feet tall. “Are you saying you’ll marry me?”

  “Of course. Isn’t that what you were getting at the other day in the barn when you were trying to hitch that poor horse to the buggy?”

  “Hope, I . . . I don’t know what to say.” He took a step toward her with his arms outstretched.

  “Please don’t get mushy.” She held up a hand. “One of my childhood friends married an Englisch man and she said the worst thing about him was that he was always saying mushy things to her. Amish people don’t do that.”

  “But you aren’t going to be Amish anymore. Right?” He took another step toward her. “Isn’t that what you’re saying?”

  “Well, I’m not exactly going to be Englisch, either.” She put her hand on his chest.

  “Do you suppose a not-Amish/not-Englisch woman might consider kissing the man she’s just agreed to marry?”