The Tome of Bill (Book 1.5): Night Stalker

by Rick Gualtieri

I reared back a brass-knuckled fist, ready to deliver a haymaker to emphasize the point, but then I fucking hesitated. Though I knew damn well what she was, to my eyes Firebird still looked like a girl. I could hear my dad talking in my head telling me that only a fucking coward would do what I was about to – like I was some Joe Six-pack sitting around while my wife washed the laundry or did the dishes in a way that displeased my royal ass.

  Sadly, the hesitation cost me. Firebird might not have had much of a rep as a brawler, but she was still a vampire. She grabbed me by the front of my sweatshirt, her claws squealing against the metal tray covering my vitals, and dragged me bodily into the room – sending me flying into an end table.

  Thanks, Dad!

  I rolled with the landing, for the most part unhurt, but stayed down for a second longer than I needed to. First of all, I wanted to push any residual chivalrous bullshit to the back of my head and second, I realized she had no clue I was a vamp like her. My costume ... err uniform that is ... had worked. I could use that to my advantage.

  “What, is it fucking Halloween already?” Firebird asked with a laugh as she turned and closed the door. This time she made it a point to latch the deadbolt, obviously thinking her intended snack was going to turn into an all you can eat special.

  “What are you doing?” her date asked, showing that his end of the gene pool obviously hadn’t been stirred with the clue stick.

  “Sit down, lover. This is where it gets fun.”

  “I’m not into threesomes with other guys.”

  “Don’t worry,” I replied, lowering my voice an octave and rising to my feet. “Someone is getting fucked here tonight, but it isn’t you.”

  “What was that?”

  Oh fuck me sideways with a rusty boat hook. “Never mind.”

  Firebird put her hands on her hips and laughed. “Let me help you out of that jacket and into something more comfortable, like your flayed skin.” Really? She actually said that? I could see why she usually stuck to flirting. Sally’s eyes would have practically rolled out of her head had she heard that line.

  Firebird advanced upon me, still smiling. What annoyed me more, though, was the lack of surprise on her face. What, did masked dudes regularly interrupt coven orgies? Man, the supernatural world was fucking weird. No matter, she obviously thought I was going to be an easy mark.

  Pity for her, she was wrong on a lot of levels and it was time for school to be in session. She slashed at me with her claws, a sloppy haymaker. I’d had the barest of combat training, a week spent getting my ass kicked in a krav maga class before realizing I had better things to do, but even I saw it coming a mile away.

  I stepped into it and planted an armored fist into her face, pulling my punch a bit so that she definitely felt it, but it didn’t come across as being delivered with superhuman strength.

  Nevertheless, it had the desired effect. Her lip split, blood flew, and she stumbled back a step, dazed.

  So this was what it was like to be winning a... “Oof!”

  Something slammed into my back and I went down face first. There wasn’t a lot behind the blow, but I’d been caught by surprise. What the hell?

  I quickly rolled over, only to find Firebird’s date standing over me holding a chair.

  He raised the makeshift weapon. “Think you’re tough, asshole?”

  You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Did this shit-for-brains not realize his life was in danger? Actually, he probably didn’t. I’d interrupted them before Firebird could show her hand. I’d need to refine my approach going forward.

  First, though, I’d need to live through this.

  Thankfully, my salvation came in the form of my intended foe. Firebird stepped in and caught the chair before the guy could bring it down on my head.

  “This one’s mine, lover.” she said, flashing her fangs at him.

  “What the fuck?” he gasped.

  “Oh don’t worry.” She wrenched the chair out of his hands with little effort. “I love a man who’s willing to stand up for a woman. I’ll make sure you die with a smile on your face.”

  With that, she backhanded him and sent him flying over the couch.

  Awesome! Well, maybe not for him. With the exception of Sally, I had a fairly low opinion of the folks under my charge. I considered them heavy on looks, but light in the brains department. I was happy to see that I wasn’t going to be disappointed in my assumptions for a change. In one fell swoop, she’d laid her cards on the table and given me the opening I needed. Now to only hope she hadn’t killed the guy with that hit. That would kind of defeat the purpose.

  Oh well, I’d worry about him later.

  Firebird grabbed me by my coat and dragged me to my feet, erasing any leverage advantage she might have had. I thanked her by driving my head forward and smashing the front of my helmet into her face. In the ongoing battle of carbon fiber versus noses, carbon fiber wins.

  It wasn’t a huge blow, but it backed her up a step.

  She put a hand to her nose and eyed the freely dripping blood that rubbed off on it with a look of pure murder. “You’re gonna pay for―”

  I gently interrupted her tirade with a baseball bat to the kisser. “Your change, miss.” I know I was supposed to keep my mouth shut, but goddamn it was just too much fun to throw out quips… especially when I was winning.

  I socked her again with the bat and she went down to one knee. I’d seen how tough vampires were, and knew how quickly they could get back into a fight. The time for chivalry was over. I wound up and this time put everything I had into my swing, bringing the bat down against the back of her head with a solid clonk.

  Firebird went down like a sack of bricks and lay there unmoving.

  I looked her over, carefully in case it was a ruse, but she wasn’t exactly a navy seal. As expected, she was out cold and looked like she’d been run through a trash compactor. Despite everything, a part of me felt bad, but then I remembered that the worst of it would probably already be healing by the time she woke up. Now to only hope she sought out the others before the last of the bruises faded, so as to tell them about her maniacal assailant.

  Oh who the fuck was I kidding? Considering how fast word of my pussing out against Dusk Reaper had spread, I sincerely doubted I’d have to wait long before hearing about this.

  The job done, I dragged the would-be hamburger helper back to his feet. He appeared dazed but otherwise unhurt.

  After a few moments, his eyes cleared and they opened wide in panic. “What the fuck was that? What the fuck are you?”

  “I’m a friend,” I replied, loudly so Horndog could understand me.

  “And her… that? What was…?”

  I held up a hand. This was no time for exposition, not unless I wanted to give Firebird the baby seal treatment again. “All you need to know is that there are things out there beyond your understanding.”

  “My understanding?”

  “To put it bluntly,” I replied, not wanting to say the V word in front of this douche-nozzle.

  “The hell with this shit, asshole. I’m calling the cops.” Rather than run, like I hoped, he reached into his jacket for his phone.

  Fuck that noise. I grabbed it out of his hands and crushed it, hopefully sending the message home. Remembering a line from Blade, I quickly added, “They own the police. They’re everywhere.”

  “But what…?”

  “Go home and forget about this. Pretend it never happened so you don’t draw attention to yourself.” I walked to the door and held it open for him. “And next time… bring more than just a condom for protection.”

  A CALL FROM THE CHIEF

  “Like clockwork,” I muttered as my phone began to chime.

  I’d taken off my vigilante outfit in the stairwell before leaving the building, but this time I replaced my trench coat with a regular jacket. My hope was that my normal appearance cut a far different silhouette than my alter ego, just in case any other Village vamps happened to be lurking close by.


  I was several blocks away, pretty much just randomly wandering and hoping to look like any other doofus out on the street this night, when my phone rang. Though I’d originally planned on heading straight home to debrief / brag to my roommates, I decided to give it a little while. If Sally called while I was on the subway, that might give her cause to start dialing my home number. I didn’t want to risk Tom answering and giving some nitwit excuse that could blow the whole thing.

  “Hello,” I said innocently into the receiver.

  “Guess what just happened?” Sally asked from the other end. Her tone wasn’t quite the panicky pitch I’d been hoping for, but then I remembered who it was I was talking to.

  “You decided to start offering two for one specials on lap dances?”

  “No, balls for brains. Someone just beat the shit out of Firebird.”

  “Oh?” I feigned a modicum of concern. “Is she okay?”

  “She was well enough to whine about it.” I couldn’t help but notice the distinct lack of caring in her voice. Hell, if anything, she sounded amused. Guess Firebird wasn’t at the top of Sally’s Facebook friend list.

  “What happened?”

  “Hard to say for certain. She was at the 20th Street apartment when she says something kicked the door down.”

  “Something?” I asked, bemused that reality was already giving way to bullshit.

  “Yeah. Whatever it was, it barged in and mercilessly beat the crap out of her. She claims she was lucky to escape with her life.”

  “Another vampire? HBC maybe?”

  “According to her, it was like nothing she’d ever seen before. She keeps yammering on about something dressed in all black, like a demon out of Hell.”

  “Do you believe her?”

  “She’s a fucking idiot, what do you think? Personally, I think she got sloppy on a hunt, picked a not-so-easy target, and now she’s trying to get some sympathy rather than just admitting one got away.”

  “Oh?”

  “But that still isn’t stopping her from telling anyone who’ll listen.” I was about to say something noncommittal, but she continued, “But you know what? Maybe this is a good thing for us. Lord knows I’ve been looking over my shoulder all week. Hopefully this will give them all something else to think about for a while.”

  I smiled into the receiver. Hopefully indeed.

  “Oh hey, Bill?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Speaking of the HBC, did you happen to start some shit with those assholes again? I got a call from Colin earlier and he…”

  “Sorry, the subway car is entering a tunnel. You’re breaking up. Talk to you soon.” I sputtered some static noises and quickly hung up. Colin, James’s assistant, was the acting vampire in charge of Boston – the hub of undead activity in the Northeast. I’d only met him once, but he’d made a bad impression. The guy was a shit salad with extra asshole dressing. Worse, he seemed to have some history with Sally, a history that apparently gave him cause to enjoy fucking her over ... and me by association. With James out of country, I had little doubt his overly-ambitious underling would take great pleasure in fanning the flames of unrest between the two prominent New York City covens.

  * * *

  “So did he at least thank you for saving his ass?”

  “He didn’t seem all that grateful,” I groused, having brought my roommates up to speed on the night’s events.

  “Fuck it. The guy was an asshole with a case of the blue balls,” Tom said. “What did you expect?”

  “Probably true.”

  “That’s okay, though. This was just your test run. Next time, you need to target one of the dudes in the coven. You save some sweet piece of ass from a big bad vampire and it’ll be all the hero pussy you can get.”

  Ed let out a pained sigh. “Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of Bill being an anonymous vigilante?”

  “Hell no. It makes it even better,” Tom explained. “Remember that scene in Spider-man where he hangs upside down and lets Mary Jane roll up his mask so she can ram her tongue through the back of his skull? Well, do something like that ... except with your dick.”

  I got up and walked to the fridge to help myself to one of the blood packs stored there. Tom’s moronic fantasies aside, as far as I was concerned it was Miller time except with a bit more clotting. “I think it’s safe to say that your plan of me becoming a vigilante is probably the only good one we’re getting out of you this year.”

  “Hey, if you want to spend eternity protecting your virtue, go right ahead. Me? I’d take every grateful blowjob that came my way.”

  “Of that I have no doubt.”

  “Me neither,” Ed added. “Probably the more stubble on them, the better he’d like it.”

  “Tom does have a point, though.” Before Ed could open his mouth, I quickly added, “Not about the blowjobs. Firebird was an easy mark. I need to crack a few tougher nuts if I’m gonna make any real headway on this. I mean, Sally pretty much laughed her story off as a feeding gone bad. We need some more credibility if we’re really going to scare these motherfuckers.”

  “You could target her,” Tom suggested.

  “Don’t forget she knows where we live.”

  “Ed’s right,” I said. “Sally’s a smart cookie. We make the wrong move around her and she’s gonna figure this shit out in an instant and be kicking down our door.”

  Ed nodded. “As much as I wouldn’t mind seeing her again, I’d prefer it be under less murder-inducing circumstances.”

  “Agreed. So she’s out. That leaves the guys. Dusk Reaper is an obvious one. I wouldn’t mind knocking that dickface down a few pegs, but maybe we’ll save him for later. Brian is tough, but not too bright. Keith is a troublemaker, but he’s a typical bully. He’d probably run crying home to mama the second he was outclassed. Those are our top choices. The rest, well, a few of them are real killers. Hell, I’m not sure I could win even if I had to put the bite on them.”

  “Maybe yes, maybe no,” Ed replied.

  “I’m pretty sure someone like Dread Stalker would hand me my ass.”

  Ed raised his hands in a shrug and smiled.

  “Okay, and you’re smirking why?”

  “Because I know something you don’t,” and then to Tom, “and lots of stuff you don’t.”

  “Such as?”

  “Such as,” he repeated, rising, “I kind of figured we might run into an issue like this. After Tom called me at my old man’s and clued me in, I got to thinking. More importantly, I pulled Pop aside and got his thoughts on it.”

  “You didn’t…”

  “Relax. He’d think I’d gone soft in the head if I started spouting off about vampires and shit. No, I just wanted to discuss self-defense with him… see what he had to say about it.”

  “And?”

  “And that’s pretty much his favorite fucking subject in this world.” He walked into his room, continuing to talk as he did. “So in the end I wound up borrowing a bit more than a spare can of deer spray. Figured I’d save this just in case we needed it.”

  I glanced at Tom and smiled. “He got me a shotgun too!”

  “Are you fucking stupid?” Ed called from inside his room. “Seriously? What are you gonna do with one? Try shooting something like that off in the middle of fucking Manhattan. Subtle it is not. You use that in the Village and you’re gonna get a lot more attention than just a few vamps.”

  He had a point there. I could trust that vampires wouldn’t go running to the cops. The people I saved were iffy, but the circumstances around their rescue were bound to be weird enough that most would be afraid of being laughed out of the precinct. Still, if I started blasting a boomstick in the middle of our territory, it was bound to attract unwanted attention. There was also a chance I’d slip and actually blow someone’s head off. Truth be told, there was at best a small handful of Village Coveners I’d miss, but this whole exercise wasn’t about killing them – it was about convincing them to not kill me. That woul
d be difficult to pull off without any witnesses left behind.

  No. This was a mission to sow fear, not leave a trail of bodies in my wake. There was also the small problem that I’d never used a firearm before in my life. For all I knew, I’d be just as likely to shoot myself.

  Thankfully, Ed proved all of that speculation to be moot when he stepped out of his room.

  “Ta da!” he declared in a faux cheery voice. “This, my friends, is the latest in military surplus stun guns. Guaranteed to knock an elephant on its ass or…”

  I finished for him, a big grin etched across my face, “Or flash fry some vampire balls.”

  AWESOME ACTION MONTAGE

  “I’m not saying you’re full of shit. I’m just saying I don’t really see any reason to panic over this.”

  “Did you see what that monster did to Keith?” Starlight asked, her eyes wide with fear. “He was almost killed.”

  That was a bit of an overstatement. I knew because, interestingly enough, I had seen what happened to Keith. I’d also seen what happened to Victoria and Brian before that. Hell, I’d gotten an up-close and personal look at my handiwork.

  I’d also seen the damage they’d inflicted upon me one by one. Even armed as I was, fighting vampires was still risky business. I was no doctor, but I counted a couple of cracked ribs, several deep gouges in my side, and a dislocated shoulder among the injuries dealt me. The only difference between us was I’d limped home to heal up, making sure nobody saw my injuries. These whiners seemingly couldn’t wait to find a shoulder to cry on.

  Boo fucking hoo.

  Despite all of that, I had to admit that shit had gone far more smoothly than I had any reason to expect. Four attacks thwarted over the course of the week, four humans saved, and four vampires sent packing with their asses handed to them. Even better, nothing had leaked out to the press… outside of a fifth page tabloid story that Ed happened upon after an extensive web search and, well, I didn’t exactly see anyone other than conspiracy nuts paying attention to that shit.

  It was all almost enough to make me cackle out loud. However, that might have come across as either suspicious, crazy, or both. So, instead, I settled for reiterating my lack of concern. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Are you all seriously this afraid of some nutjob in a mask?”