Baby Batter

by Alexis Angel

  “Nice try,” he hisses. “I read the Baby Batter contract in Piper’s office.”

  Now that he tells me the name of my no-longer-private agreement with Piper, I know he’s not fucking bluffing or pretending anymore.

  “So, what is it that you want?” I sneer at him.

  “I want your company.” His jaw hardens.

  I laugh out loud. “What the fuck are you talking about? Do you really think I’m going to give you my company?”

  “If you don’t back out of the Baby Batter deal and leave Piper alone, then I’m going to crush you and take your business.”

  “How exactly do you plan on doing that?” I cross my arms, eager to hear this fucking asshole’s explanation.

  “You forget the part about how I’m a member of the board for Lacy Desirables,” David says. “I have people backing me.”

  “Good for you, do you want a fucking medal?” I roll my eyes, but inside, I’m bubbling with a nervousness that’s threatening to surface.

  “I’m accumulating enough investors to take over your company if it comes to that,” David says.

  “Can you please elaborate?” My voice is shaky, and I fucking hate myself for showing my jitters.

  “I know your company is struggling,” David gives me a smug look. “I have Shanghai factories just itching to take over your plants and factories.”

  “You’re lying,” I snarl and clinch my teeth.

  “You only wish,” David laughs hysterically, like the fucking insane reject that he is.

  “I report everything I learn in the board member meetings to my advisors in Shanghai. They are ready to fork out a bucket load of money to get their hands on your company.”

  I want to throw this bastard right through a fucking wall, but that will only escalate the rising number of my current problems.

  “So, let me get this straight,” I say and shift my weight. “If I don’t back out of the Piper agreement, then you are going to pursue all these threats?”

  I can’t fucking believe that this guy has enough income, sources, or brain smarts to pull off a blackmail of this epic a proportion, but I can’t exactly stand idly by and wait to see if he makes good on his promise either.

  “That’s right,” David says and crosses his arms with a satisfied grin that I want to punch right off of his stupid fucking face.

  “Who the fuck do you know that is so power hungry for my business that they are willing to help a guy like you?” My tone is condescending and I mean it to come out that way.

  “I’m not giving away sources,” David says defiantly.

  “You fucking better, if you want me to believe that you are actually serious about all this shit!” I yell, a little too loudly, and hope that no one comes fucking rushing into my office.

  David rolls his eyes and caves surprisingly fast. Maybe I can find a way to manipulate him, but I might have to appease him for the moment.

  “I’m with the CEO of Shanghai Manufacturing,” he states proudly. “They want their hands on your business.”

  I swallow hard and look at the ceiling with my hands on my hips. I take a deep breath. I can’t fucking let some stupid fucking overseas operation take my company away from me.

  I work too hard for this shit, and it would cause the job loss of dozens, if not hundreds, of employees working in my current factories.

  I sigh dramatically. “I need some time to think about this,” I say and look directly at David.

  “Fine,” he says. “You have forty-eight hours.”

  Fuck, I have to think of a plan of action―and quickly, before this asshole destroys my life and my empire forever.

  25

  Piper

  “I don’t know, I feel a little tired…maybe a little queasy,” I say as I pick at my salad with a fork.

  I’m having an early dinner with Molly and we’re discussing whether or not I’m going to be pregnant this month.

  “Well if you are preggo, then you are extremely fertile and should count yourself lucky to have it work on your very first try.” Molly takes a bite of her burger.

  “That’s true,” I say. “I hope I am.

  I pick at a cucumber slice, too nervous to take interest in bringing it to my mouth to eat.

  “What about a pregnancy test?” Molly looks at me quizzically.

  I shake my head.

  “Not yet, but I’m going to take one when I get home.”

  “I wish I could be there with you, but I have that meeting with my trainer,” Molly says regretfully.

  “I know. I wish I had your motivation.” I blow out a puff of air. “I just can’t seem to get it in gear with the exercising lately.”

  “Well you have a lot on your plate,” Molly says.

  “That’s true, there’s so much going on at work, and with Zane, and the contract…” I trail off mid sentence. Just talking about it is mentally draining.

  “Yes, but you also still have a lot on your plate,” Molly jokes and points to the plush salad, enticingly fresh and sitting there virtually untouched.

  I laugh out loud.

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you Molls,” I quip.

  “Duh, you can’t live without me, I’m your P.O.C.”

  “P.O.C.?” I stare at her and she smiles.

  “Partner in Crime!”

  “Oh right,” I chuckle.

  The waiter comes to give us the bill and I’m thankful because I’m ready to head home and get this shit over with.

  “You look white as a sheet,” Molly says as we head out into the busy, early evening Manhattan streets, still bustling with straggling rush hour commuters.

  “I just need to know the answer,” I say. I’m a sufferer of impatience.

  “You haven’t missed your period yet?” Molly stops at the traffic light and we wait for the crosswalk to switch.

  I shake my head.

  “No, but I have one of those sensitive tests. You know what I’m talking about right? The ones that say know the results up to five days sooner?”

  “Oh yes,” Molly nods. “I’m no stranger to taking pregnancy tests.”

  I laugh.

  “Me either, but this will be the first time I actually want the answer to be yes.”

  “Well, I have my fingers crossed for you,” Molly says as we cross the street.

  “Thanks,” I say. “Love you, mean it.”

  We hug and walk in opposite directions, me back to my house, and her to the gym after just consuming a half pound cheese burger. Molly is unusual, mysterious and amazing and I’m so lucky to call her my best friend.

  I walk in the door to my apartment a few minutes later, shaking with anxiety as I toss my keys in their bowl on the counter.

  I run a hand through my hair and go to my master bedroom where I splash cold water on my face and stare at my reflection in the mirror.

  I look cute, but a little tired. My hair is still bouncy from the day, thanks to the millions of dollars I spend on hair care products.

  Okay, maybe I’m slightly exaggerating, but I swear every time I go to the salon they talk me into buying hundreds of dollars worth of products that I’m not sure even make that much of a difference, but I use them anyway.

  I’m off track, and derailing off focus.

  Let me get back to where I need to be, which is sitting on a toilet, holding a pee stick between my legs.

  This obviously isn’t my first time taking a pregnancy test, but I want the second line to grow pink immediately, I cling to every wish and hope as I relieve my bladder.

  I pull up the test stick and watch as the liquid slowly runs over the testing strip. I wait for a few seconds, knowing that in reality, you don’t have to wait the five minutes and the line is usually instant if it’s positive.

  This isn’t like the movies, this is fucking real life and my heart is beating so hard, I can hear my pulse in my ears.

  At first there is no second pink line. Fuck, a sinking feeling burrows under my skin.


  I wait a few more seconds, but not even a faint positive line appears. I’m upset, and now I have to tell Zane.

  I need to call him so I decide to tell him over the phone that his baby batter didn’t take this month. There’s always next month, and I hope he doesn’t care about it too much.

  I chuck the stick in the trash. I don’t want to fucking look at anymore; it makes me too sad.

  I take a deep breath, exhaling dramatically as I plop down on my couch. I have to bite bullet, rip off the Band-Aid, and do whatever fucking other cliché’s there are out there and call Zane…now.

  He answers on the second ring, and his voice sounds a little gruff. It throws me for a loop and I stutter for a few moments.

  “Uh, hi, Zane…it’s…Piper.”

  “Yeah, I know, I have your number saved into my phone,” he says with dry sarcasm.

  “I’m sorry, is something wrong?” The hairs prickle on the back of my neck. I sense trouble, but I have no idea why.

  “Nothing,” he states flatly, and doesn’t keep the conversation flowing.

  Great, I guess he’s wearing his asshole hat tonight, so I just have to roll with the punches.

  “Well, I’m calling you,” I press on, “because I took a pregnancy test just now.”

  I pause with baited breath, waiting to gauge his reaction.

  “Okay?” he asks, and his tone reflects disinterest.

  “It’s negative,” I say and bite my lip.

  “So? What the fuck do you want me to do about it?” he yells into the phone.

  Whoa. Holy shit. What the fuck?

  I’m in total shock and don’t even know what to say. Any words I have to reciprocate freeze in my throat. This was the last reaction I expected.

  When I recover after a second or two, I’m hurt but I don’t let it show, so I fight back.

  “What the fuck is your problem tonight?”

  “I don’t have a problem, I just don’t know what you want from me,” he snarls into the phone.

  “Um, how about a little fucking support or something? Or how about ‘there’s always next month?’” I shake my head. “Throw me a fucking bone.”

  “I am throwing you a bone,” he retorts, and I take that to mean his hard cock, in the literal sense of the word.

  “Gee, thanks,” I drone derisively.

  “I don’t have time for this shit right now,” he sighs into the phone and I can picture him rubbing his temples.

  I have no idea why he has a massive stick up his ass, but he needs to get over himself, and fucking fast.

  “I don’t have time for your bullshit either!” I roar into the phone and hang up on him.

  Okay, so maybe I have a slight temper issue too, and with pretty much zero ability to contain it properly. But I can’t help it; I’m hurt by his abrasiveness out of fucking nowhere.

  I close my eyes and try to numb my senses, but it doesn’t fucking work. I sit up and go to my kitchen and drink chardonnay straight out of the bottle. I’m not pregnant, so it doesn’t fucking matter.

  As I start to relax and unwind, I think about how maybe I’ll call Zane and apologize. But I remember how he snarled at me out of nowhere and considered that.

  No, I’ll let that fucker sweat it out a little while longer. Maybe he’ll come to his senses in the morning. If not?

  Well, I have no fucking clue.

  26

  Zane

  I’m at the bar with a couple of my friends, Rob and Jack. I’m ready to blow off some steam and potentially get shit faced.

  Yes, that’s the kind of day I’m having, where I need to use alcohol as a way to escape my fucking problems and forget I’m in this fucking mess in the first place.

  We find a table in the back of the bar, a cozy little booth away from everyone else.

  Jack stares at me as if I don’t have my head on straight.

  “Why the fuck are we sitting all the way back here, man? The hot chicks are at the front.”

  “Good, I don’t need to get fucking tempted tonight,” Rob says. He’s married with two kids and the last thing that guy needs is to be booted on his ass while his wife keeps the massive house out in Montclair.

  “You definitely don’t need to be a stray cat/” I grin and laugh at Rob’s expense.

  Rob has an issue when it comes to resisting the bad forces, and he’s been caught several times by his wife for various afflictions.

  Now, I’m not necessarily talking about cheating every time. I actually think he only cheated once, and that was years ago with a stripper at a bachelor party for another one of our friends.

  But that’s a different story for another day.

  He’s also been caught gambling away their mortgage money, and various shit of that nature. Rob is a nice guy with a great big ole’ soft heart; he just isn’t fucking good at being smart.

  He’s calmed down quite a bit since his wife popped out their son and daughter, but on nights like these when the three of us are together, anything can and most probably will fucking happen.

  “Fuck you dude, you’re the one tied to a ball and chain, so why should the rest of us bros have to suffer?” Jack is only giving Rob a hard time for the fucking fun of it, and I don’t mind getting in on that action too.

  “I’m not looking to score tonight,” I admit.

  Both guys pause with their mouths hanging wide open, their beers in the air mid glug.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” Jack whispers as if he’s witnessing hell freezing over.

  I laugh.

  “I need a break from women.”

  “Are you okay, dude?” Rob gives me a funny look and places the back of his hand against my cheek, pretending to check if I have a fever.

  “I’m fine.” I jerk his hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me. I don’t want to get any of your disease.”

  “What fucking disease?”

  Rob is a little on the heavier side and has a receding hair line, so he fucking hit the jackpot when his wife Natalie took his proposal offer and said yes. The only problem is, he feels inferior when he hangs out with the rest of us pretty boys and he gets defensive real quick.

  “You’re married. I don’t want any of that shit rubbing off on me,” I rag on him.

  “Man, fuck you guys,” Rob says and takes another swig of his beer.

  Jack cuts right down to business.

  “So, why don’t you want to meet a hot chick and score tonight?”

  “I’m having a shit storm with one currently,” I say and lean back against the back of the booth.

  “No way? Who’s the unlucky lady who has to suffer next to you?”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Piper Stewart.”

  “Piper Fucking Stewart?” Both guys stare at me as if I’m crazy for even touching that land mine with a ten foot pole.

  I think I’m starting to perceive their point of view now.

  “You guys won’t even fucking believe me if I tell you the fucking mess I’m in with her.” I shake my head remorsefully.

  “I’m all ears,” Rob says and perks up, leaning over the table to hear me over the noise of the bar.

  “I actually need your advice,” I say, hating the fact that I have to fucking lean on somebody else for advice to get out of my issues with the easiest route possible.

  “I’ve got plenty to spare.” Rob grins and Jack punches his arm.

  “Fuck you!” Rob roars as if he’s deeply wounded.

  “Can you guys please fucking get along for two seconds?” I ask. I’m usually cool about things, but I’m just not willing to be their moderator tonight.

  “Okay tell us all about your problems and how everything revolves around you.” Jack rolls his eyes.

  I ignore him.

  “Anyway, I’m in a contract of sorts with her.”

  “Sounds boring,” Jack laughs and looks at Rob for support but Rob only shakes his head and glances back my way.

  “She wants me to give her a baby,” I say
flatly, knowing this statement will capture the bastards’ attention.

  It works, and both my friends spit their beer out of their mouths.

  “Hey, what the fuck?” I scream and stand up because I’m the victim of their spray storm. “You guys suck.” I take a few napkins and wipe the beer off my shirt. “This shirt is fucking new too,” I say.

  “Sorry dude,” Jack says and shrugs. “You’re dropping a bomb like that on us, how the fuck do you expect us to react?”

  “She’s blackmailing me,” I go on.

  “Sounds likely,” Rob says and nods. Everyone knows Piper is as much of a hard-ass as I am, and some say she’s the female version of me.

  I have to disagree, though, because I fuck the living shit out of her.

  I point my finger at them and look them squarely in the eyes.

  “You guys have to take this shit to your graves,” I warn.

  “We won’t say a fucking word to anyone,” Jack agrees.

  “She says if I don’t provide her ‘baby batter,’ she’s going to fire me as her manufacturer.

  “What the fuck is ‘baby batter?’” Rob laughs.

  “It’s my sperm, you fucking idiot,” I say.

  “She wants you to be her fucking sperm donor?” Jack looks positively baffled.

  I nod and take another sip of my beer.

  “Yep.”

  “Shit, we need more drinks for this, let’s order some kamikaze shots,” Jack shouts.

  Rob shakes his head fervently.

  “Fuck no, are you fucking crazy? We are over thirty now, asshole.”

  “You’re just afraid you’ll cheat on your wife again.” Jack rolls his eyes and places his elbows on the table.

  “Can we get back to my problem?” I ask.

  “Yes, please go on.” Rob waves me ahead.

  “The best perk to this agreement is that I get to have sex with her. She’s fucking hot as shit and I love fucking her brains out. She’s easily the most fantastic lay I’ve ever had.”

  I say this proudly because honestly, I am proud to have Piper as one of my conquests, up on my metaphorical wall of fame.

  “She’s smoking hot,” Jack agrees. “Did you actually sign something?”