The Woman Who Knew Everything

by Debbie Viggiano

  Dee swaggered over to the men looking, she hoped, a lot braver than she felt. She brandished the bottle of red like a weapon of mass destruction. ‘I know your game.’

  ‘Do yer play then?’

  ‘How dare you,’ hissed Dee. ‘I’m a respectable woman. Now step away from my friend.’

  ‘Er, Dee–’ said Chrissie.

  ‘Shut up, Chrissie,’ Dee snarled. ‘Close your front door. Slowly. No sudden movements. Don’t worry about these two bozos. I have them covered. One false move and I’ll bottle them.’

  ‘Yer wot?’

  ‘I said step away from her,’ snarled Dee, waggling the bottle about. ‘DO IT. NOW!’

  ‘Fuckin’ hell. Have yer got…wot does me missus call it?...oh yeah…TMP.’

  ‘I suppose that’s code for drugs, eh? No, I don’t have any TMP. Do I look like somebody who carries TMP about her person?’ Dee raised the bottle menacingly. Keeping her eyes on the two men, she addressed Chrissie. ‘Get in the car.’

  ‘Um, Dee–’

  ‘JUST DO IT, CHRISSIE,’ Dee roared. For the last thirty seconds, adrenalin had been whooshing around her body. The short burst of hormone had empowered her, making her feel like she could take on anyone – even these two thugs – but it was fast diminishing and could sputter out at any second. The last thing she wanted was for her legs to buckle, and her backside to thump down on this dog-shit covered pavement with these two heavies towering over her.

  Chrissie obediently scuttled over to the car. Dee waited until she’d heard the sound of the passenger door open and close. Good. Her friend was safe. She gave one final shake of the bottle, eyes not leaving the brutes’ scowling faces.

  ‘If my girlfriend returns home to find her house has been burgled, I’ll seek you two out. I have a very particular set of skills,’ she dared to prod one of the men with the neck of the wine bottle, ‘skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my friend alone,’ Dee seemed to have morphed into Liam Neeson, ‘I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will–’

  ‘Oh piss off, you silly tart.’

  At that moment the door to the maisonette flew open and Andrew stood there. He saw Dee and gave a polite wave before addressing the two men.

  ‘Are you two coming in or what?’ he asked them. ‘Everyone else is here and waiting.’

  Dee blanched. Oh dear God. ‘I-I’m so terribly sorry,’ she stuttered to the men. ‘You’re right. I had some TMP after all. It’s a bastard. Here,’ she proffered the wine bottle to the man nearest to her. He flinched away. ‘Peace offering.’

  ‘Ta,’ said the other man, snatching the wine. ‘If Chrissie hangs out with nutters like you, no wonder she has attitude problems. Thank fuck yer not my wife.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Dee, her voice wobbling. ‘Thank…fuck.’

  She yanked open the driver’s door, practically threw herself inside, then hit the central locking button. ‘Sorry about that,’ she gasped.

  Chrissie was looking po-faced. ‘I kept trying to tell you, but you wouldn’t let me speak. They’re Andrew’s friends.’

  ‘Yes,’ Dee gulped. ‘I’ve since gathered.’

  ‘When he finds out you were threatening to put two of his mates in hospital, he’ll probably ban me from ever speaking to you again.’

  ‘Then let’s hope Bill and Ben don’t tell him.’

  Chrissie’s shoulders began to shake. She was laughing. ‘Can we get out of here? And make it quick. Before Andrew comes roaring out and hauls me back inside on the grounds of me fraternising with a lunatic.’

  ‘Done,’ said Dee, as the car engine burst into life. Her tyres squealed away from the kerb as she wrestled with the steering wheel. ‘Bloody hell, Chrissie. What sort of blokes does Andrew hang out with?’

  ‘Oh, they’re not so bad,’ Chrissie lied. She wasn’t about to give anything away regarding Andrew’s friends, even though they were more undesirable than pet cockroaches. Chrissie didn’t like any of the men her partner hung out with. She felt they were a bad lot and an even worse influence.

  ‘What are they all doing in your place? Discussing drug deals?’

  Chrissie looked out of the window so Dee couldn’t see her face. ‘They play games.’

  ‘What…you mean…cards?’

  ‘No. Computer games.’

  Dee gulped. Talk about reading a situation wrong. ‘I need to stop at an off-licence and buy Cougar Kate another bottle of wine.’

  ‘Whatever for?’

  ‘It’s her fortieth, remember? We can’t turn up empty-handed.’

  ‘Hell, I’d forgotten it was her birthday. I’d better buy some chocolates. Have you bought her a birthday card?’

  ‘Steady,’ said Dee, ‘she’ll be thinking she’s one of our besties if we overdo it. Wine and chocolates are fine.’

  Dee exited the estate and zoomed towards New Ash Green. She’d offered to pick up Amber too, even though Amber did have her own car. At least her friends wouldn’t have to worry about drinking and driving. As luck would have it – or bad luck in Amber’s case – Cougar Kate lived in Redhill Wood. This was the posh side of New Ash Green with detached houses in a woodland setting. It was also less than a quarter of a mile from Amber’s two-up-two-down.

  By the time Chrissie and Dee had bought more wine and some chocolates, they were running ten minutes late. Amber was waiting for them, standing on the pavement of the ring road that circumnavigated New Ash Green.

  ‘At last,’ she said, getting into the back of Dee’s car. ‘I’ve been freezing my Victoria’s Secret tits off waiting for you two.’

  ‘Ooooh, hark at you!’ said Dee. ‘Wearing a new bra?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Amber. In the back seat, and in the dark, the girls couldn’t see the grimace that crossed her face. The bra had cost an absolute fortune. She hoped Matthew appreciated it when she put her seduction plans to the test later on. Come hell or high water, she was going to inject some va-va-voom in their relationship. Her plan was to woo her partner from total indifference to non-stop lust. She’d have the contents of Matthew’s M&S underpants permanently standing to attention. Come Monday morning he’d have no choice but to ring his office and throw a sickie. Or a stiffy in this case.

  Two minutes later, Dee pulled up outside Cougar Kate’s house. There were several cars outside indicating the party girl had a full house.

  ‘Ready, girls?’ asked Amber, as Dee locked the car after them. ‘I, for one, can’t wait to meet this Madam Rosa and find out what my future holds.’

  Chapter Six

  ‘Come in, come in!’ Katherine Colgan greeted Dee, Chrissie and Amber as if they were long lost relatives who’d travelled to Redhill Wood from the other side of the world. ‘You must be gasping for a drinkie-poo. Oh, Dee, thank you sooo much,’ she said, accepting the bottle of red, ‘that’s one of my favourites. Ooh chocolates, Chrissie. You’re too kind.’ She looked expectantly at Amber.

  ‘They’re from all of us,’ said Amber with a sniff. Buying this particular woman a birthday gift, even a two quid supermarket spray of carnations, was not something she’d ever planned to do. The fact that Amber was even in this house was purely because she’d been steamrollered into coming along. Her grudge for Katherine Colgan was as fresh as the day she’d made a play for Matthew. Amber checked out Cougar Kate’s outfit. She was wearing a fitted dress with a big gold zip that went from bottom to top. Naturally the zip hadn’t been done up to the neck. It stopped short of Cougar Kate’s jostling bosoms which looked like two puppies trying to make a break for freedom. Amber slid her coat off and handed it to Cougar Kate, taking satisfaction in seeing the woman check out Amber’s figure as she did so.

  Yes, cop a load of my cleavage, Amber silently sneered, and not a molecule of silicon in sight! Amber couldn’t wait to get home and see Matthew’s reaction to her newly-upholstered breasts. She’d drive him insane. He would
n’t know whether he was coming, or coming and coming and coming.

  ‘Thank you all so much for being here to celebrate my birthday,’ said Cougar Kate graciously. ‘Go and join everybody else,’ she indicated a door leading off the hallway, ‘and eat, drink and be very merry.’

  Everybody had congregated in the open plan kitchen-come-dining-room. A flat-screen on the wall was tuned to a radio station playing club anthems. There was quite a crowd in the room, some already tipsy from drinking on empty tums. Others were grouping around a table heaped with food. Amber’s stomach let out a growl of hunger. She had to concede that Cougar Kate had put on a lovely spread. The three women wandered over to another table loaded with different bottles of spirits and ice-buckets full of champagne bottles. Opting for champers, they took their glasses and huddled in a corner of the room, assessing the crowd while they sipped.

  ‘You have to hand it to her,’ said Chrissie, ‘Cougar Kate has done a lovely job.’ She nodded at the mini banquet everyone was enjoying, then gazed around the room. How she’d love to have a birthday bash like this, and in such a glorious house too.

  ‘It’s all right, I suppose,’ Amber shrugged. She was looking increasingly like someone with a bad smell under her nose.

  Dee laughed. ‘Put the face away, Amber. Cougar Kate isn’t interested in Matthew. Accept her hospitality and leave the past where it belongs.’

  ‘Easier said than done,’ said Amber, her lip curling like Elvis Presley. ‘Just look at her. She’s in her element playing the hostess with the mostess.’

  ‘You have to admit she looks pretty good for forty,’ said Chrissie. ‘I’d settle for looking like that now, never mind in thirteen years’ time.’

  ‘Anyone can look like that,’ Amber rolled her eyes. ‘All that’s required is two hours in front of the mirror every morning, preferably with the contents of Boots’ beauty counter at their disposal, not forgetting a spare five thou for the Dolly Partons.’

  ‘Ooh, ouch,’ said Dee with a laugh. ‘Did you get out of the wrong side of bed this morning? What’s up with you?’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Amber quickly. She mentally shook herself. She must stop bitching. The girls were right. Cougar Kate’s flirting with Matthew was water under the bridge. Even so, Amber would never forgive her.

  Suddenly the music’s volume dimmed and Cougar Kate clapped her hands. ‘I want to let you all know that the wonderful, internationally-acclaimed Madam Rosa, has arrived!’

  ‘Gawd, she’s carrying on like she’s a presenter for the Royal Variety Performance,’ tutted Amber.

  ‘Madam Rosa will start receiving you, one by one, in my lounge as soon as she’s cleaned the room from negative energy…’

  ‘I’ll bet there’s plenty of that,’ said Amber nastily.

  ‘…and lit her candles and incense sticks to invoke peace, harmony and contact with the spirits.’

  ‘Madam Rosa could easily do that if she did her readings by that table full of booze,’ Amber snorted.

  ‘Give it a rest, Amber,’ muttered Dee.

  ‘There’s quite a few of us here tonight,’ said Cougar Kate, ‘and consequently time constraints are in place. Each of you will be granted an audience of ten minutes precisely, so make sure you have any questions you want to ask at the ready. Further in-depth consultations with Madam Rosa can be booked at a later date for the very affordable fee of forty-five pounds for forty-five minutes.

  ‘That’s a pound a minute,’ gasped Chrissie.

  ‘Nice little earner if you can get it,’ Dee pointed out.

  ‘Oh for heaven’s sake,’ said Amber, rolling her eyes. ‘This evening is a marketing ploy for Madam Rosa. It’s like any product party. The hostess gets a free gift for drumming up business for the franchise member. Cougar Kate has safely bagged a free forty-five-minute reading for herself, and all she had to do was invite a few friends round.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Chrissie, ‘after all, Katherine’s gone to a lot of trouble and expense here.’

  ‘It’s her birthday,’ said Amber. ‘She’s simply combined something she’d have done anyway with a freebie for herself.’

  ‘Does it matter?’ asked Dee. ‘The main thing is we’re going to have a whole ten minutes to ask Madam Rosa if our partners will ever pop the question. That’s the purpose of us being here, so let’s make the most of it. One question, one answer. By my calculations we’ll still have eight minutes left to ask a second question. Sounds fair to me.’

  ‘Well I think it’s obscene,’ said Amber moodily. ‘There must be thirty people here. If they all go ahead and book a further appointment with Madam Rosa, that’s well over a thousand pounds she’ll be pocketing. And I’ll bet she doesn’t pay tax either, unlike the rest of us.’

  Dee and Chrissie exchanged looks. Amber seemed more wound up than a clockwork mouse.

  ‘I wonder who will go in first,’ said Chrissie. ‘I’m feeling a bit apprehensive, even though I don’t really believe in fortune-telling.’

  ‘It’s a load of old rubbish,’ said Amber scornfully. She drained her glass and smacked her lips appreciatively. ‘I’m going to have at least three glasses of fizz before I go in. And something to eat. I might as well freeload while I’m here before listening to Madam Rosa’s twaddle.’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake, Amber,’ said Dee rolling her eyes. ‘Get another drink down you and shut up. I’ve never known you moan so much.’

  Amber’s eyes flashed. That was all very well for Dee to say, but then Dee didn’t have a boyfriend absenting himself all hours. Amber was starting to feel like Matthew’s mum rather than a girlfriend. Her role had become one of housekeeper - cooking his dinner and doing his washing. She wanted a boyfriend who kissed his way down her neck while expertly undressing her, and to hear her clothes drop to the floor in a rustle of silk – not a boyfriend who chucked his own clothes everywhere and left them there for her to pick up.

  ‘C’mon,’ said Chrissie. ‘I’m starving. Let’s enjoy some of this lovely food, and have a few more drinks to get us in the mood. And while we’re chomping our way through that delicious looking poached salmon, we’ll think up more questions to ask Madam Rosa for the remaining eight minutes you reckon we’re going to have, Amber.

  Cougar Kate once again clapped her hands. ‘I’m delighted to say that Madam Rosa is ready. Now, who would like to go first?’

  Chapter Seven

  Two hours later, Amber was feeling quite drunk. So far, the guests who’d seen Madam Rosa had returned to the kitchen-come-dining-room with wide eyes. They’d been excited to share what they’d been told.

  ‘She’s amazing,’ one woman gushed. ‘She told me I’m going to get a new job, and guess what? Yesterday I went for an interview!’

  ‘She told me my daughter-in-law is pregnant and going to have a little girl. That must be why my Simon and his Jessica rang me earlier. They said they want to see me tomorrow with some exciting news, and that it’s a surprise!’

  ‘She told me we’re moving home. Quite by chance, earlier this week, I saw a For Sale board outside a house I’ve liked for ages. Me and my hubby are viewing it tomorrow!’

  Amber didn’t like to admit it, but her stomach was starting to churn with nervous anticipation. Everything she’d eaten was mixing unhappily with an overload of booze. She should have stuck to champagne instead of starting on the gin. She knew she was more than tipsy. The chip she’d had on her shoulder for the last year about Cougar Kate suddenly felt like a humungous boulder. Amber put down the bowl of half-eaten sherry trifle she’d been tucking into. It was delicious but she was too stuffed for even a teaspoonful, and there was no chance of fitting in a black coffee for sobering up.

  ‘Amber, it’s now your turn!’

  Amber looked up to see Cougar Kate smiling at her. Amber’s fingers itched to squash her leftover trifle into the woman’s heavily made-up face. Either that, or tip it down her cleavage. Amber had a vision of custard blobs and bits of cream spread over Cougar Kate’s
breasts, and some dickhead like Clive Derek going into meltdown wanting to lick it all off. Amber frowned. Perhaps Matthew might like to do something like that? Not with Cougar Kate, but with her? Amber put her head on one side as she considered. Perhaps, when she was home, she’d have a rummage in the fridge and then greet Matthew with two olives impaled on her nipples. It would have been a whole lot cheaper than splurging on this wretched bra which was now digging into her.

  ‘Are you all right, Amber?’ Cougar Kate tried to frown, but her botoxed forehead wouldn’t let her.

  ‘Ne’er better,’ Amber assured. Spotting Chrissie and Dee helping themselves to enormous slices of Black Forest Gateau, Amber lurched over to them. She tugged on their sleeves. ‘S’my turn to see Madam Raspberry.’

  ‘Are you drunk?’ asked Dee.

  ‘Don’ be rid-clous.’ Amber belched, engulfing her friends in trifle and gin fumes.

  ‘Good luck,’ said Chrissie, gently taking Amber’s unfinished dessert from her. ‘Don’t forget to have all your questions at the ready.’

  ‘‘kay. Back inna bit.’

  Chrissie and Dee watched Amber stagger off to Cougar Kate’s lounge.

  ‘She’s not a happy bunny,’ Dee murmured.

  ‘No. I wonder why.’

  ‘Let’s hope Madam Rosa cheers Amber up.’

  ***

  Amber swayed towards Cougar Kate’s lounge door, which was shut. For a second, Amber felt like she was visiting the headmistress at her old secondary school. She was always getting into trouble with teachers and being sent off to Mrs Thomas’s office.

  ‘Talking in class again, Amber?’ Mrs Thomas would tut as she shook her head. Her hair had been snow-white which had been a source of fascination for Amber. At the time Amber thought she’d never seen anybody so old. Even Amber’s grandma hadn’t had snow-white hair. As each term rolled by, Amber had found herself in Mrs Thomas’s office more and more often.

  ‘Flicking paper at the English teacher again, Amber?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Thomas.’