Even Angels Fall

by Fay Darbyshire

  The one thing Abbey really can’t get over is how alike Darren and Lucy are. They have exactly the same laugh and the same quirkiness about them; they have the same expressions and mannerisms and the same taste in music. It is almost spooky… but also understandable. Since their parents left it has been just the two of them and they were forced to learn how to take care of themselves. To share that experience and to endure such a difficult childhood, was undoubtedly going to make them close -and evidently - very similar.

  Despite how long they have all been friends, Abbey doesn’t feel at all like she is intruding. They interact with her the same way that they interact with each other, making her feel like part of the group almost instantly. It is only Alex that seems to have a problem with her. He has spent most of the night in the kitchen, but whenever he re-joins the party the intense staring continues. Instead of it being unsettling like it was at first, he is starting to get on Abbey’s nerves and she wants to know what the hell his problem is, but she certainly isn’t about to ask him. Even though his behaviour is annoying her, every time she glances up and catches his eye her stomach twists with anticipation and she feels a rush of adrenaline. He is so incredibly attractive, dark - and if her intuition is correct - a little dangerous too.

  “OH FUCK OFF…!” Tom chucks the control pad on the floor as Darren throws his arms up in celebration, “That is pure fucking fluke… I can’t believe you pulled that back and won…”

  “What can I say? I’m a natural…! Dobs you’re up!” Liam takes his place next to Darren for the next round of FIFA and Tom perches on the corner of the sofa - sulking as he swigs his beer and rummages through his pockets.

  “I can’t actually believe you beat me… you used to be utter shite at this game…” Tom carries on ranting as he opens up a little bag of white powder and tips a pile of it out onto the glass table in front of him. He licks the residue off his fingers and opens his wallet, taking out one of his bank cards, “How many am I racking up… 2 each, yeah? Abbey, you want some?”

  Abbey shakes her head and smiles awkwardly, staring down at her feet. Darren and Liam are completely engrossed in their game and Sophie and Gemma are too busy talking to notice her reaction, but Lucy glances worryingly at Nathan, sensing how uncomfortable Abbey has become.

  It isn’t that she disapproves or is angry in any way; she just hasn’t ever been openly exposed to drugs before. She has been told so many times in various awareness classes at school how dangerous and harmful they are and her old friends would never have touched any type of illegal drug in a million years. She has never really thought about it at all, as they simply weren’t on her radar. Until now.

  “Nice cheeky little pick me up… don’t mind if I do…” Tom rolls up a twenty pound note and leans forward; placing the note inside one nostril as he covers the other with his finger before inhaling sharply. He does one line, then the other, and passes the note to Gemma, who kneels on the floor next to him, pulls her hair back and does the same. Abbey looks on curiously, so morbidly fascinated with what she is seeing that she doesn’t notice Alex standing in the doorway until he speaks.

  “So, Abbey…” A mixture of emotions shoot through her at lightning speed as Alex says her name out loud for the first time, in his incredibly seductive accent. Shock, delight, excitement… then overwhelming nerves as the sullen, unsociable stranger, finally - after almost 3 hours - directly acknowledges her, “What are your feelings on drugs?” He asks, “Are you game? Or are you one of these self-righteous, sanctimonious do-gooders who believe that they’re a black mark on society… responsible for the high crime rate and the poor choices made by the fucked up youth of today?”

  Abbey realises she is holding her breath and exhales, slowly. The room has gone quiet and she pauses for a moment – carefully processing Alex’s outburst - before deciding to answer him truthfully.

  “I’ve never really thought about it…”

  “Of course you haven’t…” He smirks.

  “Give it a rest Al…” Lucy frowns and he shrugs at her indifferently.

  “I’m just asking our guest a question…”

  “As you can probably tell he doesn’t have a strong opinion on the subject…” Tom quips, sarcastically, laughing to himself as he follows Alex out of the room.

  “Don’t worry about him… he’s a little touchy with people he doesn’t know…” Lucy smiles reassuringly, as she sits down next to Abbey.

  “It’s OK. I am in his house; he can say what he likes…”

  “I’m sorry…”

  “For what…?” Abbey frowns, she wasn’t expecting an apology.

  “I probably should have told you, you know… about the drugs…we just weren’t sure how you’d react and we wanted you to meet everyone first, without it being the only thing you knew about them…”

  “I would never judge anyone I didn’t know. Especially over something I have no clue about. It might not be my thing but, you know, each to their own…” Abbey tries her best to sound casual and unaffected, and it seems to work.

  “I’m so glad you came tonight…!” Lucy beams.

  “Me too…!” And despite the last 10 minutes being a bit of an eye opener, Abbey means it. She has really enjoyed herself and it feels great to be part of a group of friends again – to spend time with people who just want to hang out, get drunk and have a laugh together. It hadn’t exactly gone great with Alex but she feels better after Lucy’s explanation… ‘he’s a little touchy with people he doesn’t know’. At least that implies she isn’t the only person who has received a frosty reception.

  An hour or so later and the double vodka and cokes have definitely started to take effect. Abbey feels seriously light headed as she leans on the sink for support, running her hands through her hair and taking a deep breath as she asses her appearance in the mirror. ‘Maybe it’s time to slow down’ she thinks to herself. She can hear the others shouting and laughing in the living room over the thudding beat of the music and after checking her hair and make-up one last time, she turns back to re-join the party.

  As Abbey unlocks the bathroom door and opens it rather clumsily, she stops dead in her tracks – freezing on the spot, totally shell-shocked – as leaning casually on the doorframe in front of her, is Alex.

  “Having fun…?” He isn’t being polite. Abbey can sense the underlying tone in his question.

  “Yes thanks…” She answers, quietly. He is so intimidating, but Abbey can feel the excitement pulsing through her as they stand just inches apart.

  “Listen, I get that you’re Lucy’s friend an all, but I’m not exactly a fan of people I don’t know hanging around. I don’t want you involving yourself in business that doesn’t concern you. Whatever you see or hear, you best be able to keep to yourself…” Alex’s body language is assertive and his words are a warning, but surprisingly Abbey doesn’t feel threatened. In fact, standing face to face with him in the darkened hallway she sees through his defensiveness and instead, glimpses a brief flicker of vulnerability. She doesn’t know this man at all and he has been nothing but rude to her all night, yet she finds herself drawn to him in a way she can’t explain. There is no denying that she is physically attracted to him – he is breathtakingly gorgeous – but it is more than that. He is so guarded, brooding and mysterious… and he fascinates her.

  “I’m sorry that me being here bothers you. I only came because Lucy invited me…” She explains, cautiously.

  “I know that. It’s nothing personal – and I know it might seem like I’m being paranoid, but if you’d been through half the shit I have you’d be wary of people too…” Abbey is taken aback by Alex’s honesty but also irritated by his assumption that she hasn’t been through shit of her own. He obviously has an issue with her being in his home, amongst his friends, but for some strange reason, she really doesn’t want him to feel that way. With a sudden, new found bravery - probably due to the alcohol in her system - Abbey steps forward and stares directly into Alex’s eyes, t
rying to match his intensity. They are so dark and penetrating that it almost feels as though he can read her mind.

  “I know I’m a complete stranger to you and there is no reason why you should trust me…” She whispers, sincerely, “But for what it’s worth… you really don’t have to be wary of me…”

  They hold each other’s gaze in a heated silence until the living room door bursts open and Gemma stumbles over, immediately sensing the tension between them.

  “Oh… sorry… have you finished…?” She stutters, pointing to the bathroom.

  “Sure…” Abbey smiles and lets Gemma pass before crossing the hallway towards the living room. She pauses outside the door, turning back to face Alex who is watching her closely, with a mixture of curiosity and confusion on his face.

  “And for the record…” Abbey states, defiantly, “…You have no idea what I’ve been through…” And with an unusual amount of confidence, she leaves Alex standing in the dark behind her, shocked but also impressed at the fact she stood her ground. This is obviously going to be far more interesting than he first anticipated.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHOICES

  Abbey knows she is drunk, but as soon as she steps outside Alex’s flat into the cold, morning air, it really hits her. It is an unfamiliar sensation. Her head is spinning and she can barely remain upright as she waits in the doorway of the apartment block with Lucy and Nathan. It is 3:00am and they have only just ordered a taxi. The reality of sneaking out is starting to dawn on her and Abbey has no clue how she is going to climb back through her bedroom window in the state she is in… let alone quietly.

  The taxi stops at the top of Abbey’s street and Nathan insists that they get out too and walk her home. The rational part of Abbey knows this isn’t the greatest idea, but she is so drunk and on such a high after the party that she doesn’t care enough to object. The three of them stagger along arm in arm, leaning on each other for support and as they reach Abbey’s driveway Nathan trips over the curb, falling into the gate and almost pulling it off one of its hinges. They burst into hysterical laughter while drunkenly urging each other to be quiet and after finally calming down and saying goodnight, Abbey watches fondly as Nathan and Lucy stumble off down the road. As they get further away in the distance a familiar sense of gloom slowly creeps back in, like a black cloud hanging over Abbey’s head. The fun is over and it is back to reality.

  She smiles as Nathan picks Lucy up and swings her around, kissing her passionately under the street light. They stagger backwards into a parked car and the alarm sounds; shattering the eerie silence and making them both jump as they burst into laughter again, before racing hand in hand, around the corner out of sight.

  Abbey ducks into the front garden and carefully creeps down the side of the garage. ‘How the hell am I going to do this?!’ She muses. After 5 minutes of trying to calculate the best way to clamber up the side of the house without falling on her face or alarming the neighbours, Abbey concludes that she is simply going to have to hope for the best.

  She throws her bag over her shoulder, climbs onto the garden wall and hoists herself up onto the garage roof… so far so good. She crawls across the garage on her hands and knees, quietly laughing to herself, amused at how ridiculous she must look and how funny it would be if someone saw her at this precise moment. The window isn’t as high as she had thought and about half way up the drainpipe there is a bit of plastic fastening it to the side of the house, which sticks out just enough to act as a good footing.

  Abbey opens her window as slowly and gently as possible and holding onto the window ledge she pushes herself up, swinging her right leg over and through in the same movement. Using all of her strength she manages to twist her body and lift her other leg inside until she is hanging out of the window head first. She starts to laugh again, partly due to the level of alcohol in her system and partly because of the head rush from being upside down. She rocks backwards -and ever so gently - slumps onto her bedroom floor, highly impressed at herself for not only managing such an athletic feat but for doing it rather stealthily. Abbey sits there for a moment, catching her breath, before slowly standing up and dusting herself off. She throws her bag onto the bed and pushes the window shut triumphantly, but as she turns around, the lamp in the corner of her room clicks on. Peter is sat in the chair by Abbey’s work desk. His face is blank and his eyes are full of anger, as he folds his arms and purses his lips. ‘Busted’.

  “Jesus… could you be any more dramatic?!” She quips.

  “Where have you been?” Peter’s answering tone is cold and abrupt.

  Abbey knows she is in big trouble and that she should be careful, but her brother has an uncanny ability to get under her skin and as a result - despite the situation - she immediately goes on the defensive.

  “Out…” Abbey mirrors Peter’s tone.

  “Did you have fun?”

  “Yeah, I did actually…” She smiles to herself as she thinks back to the party and Peter’s temper suddenly flares. He hurls himself out of the chair and strides towards Abbey, looming over her as he spits his words out furiously.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Is this some pathetic little crusade to get attention or are you trying to impress that set of losers you call friends?!”

  “You. Don’t. Know. Them….” Abbey pronounces each word slowly through gritted teeth.

  “I know that they’ve changed you. I know they’ve got you doing stupid stuff like skipping school…”

  “They are NOT the reason I’ve changed…” Abbey shouts, forgetting for a moment that it is almost 4am. The risk of waking Janet is the only thing stopping Abbey from launching at her brother and screaming at the top of her lungs out of sheer frustration, “I changed because my twin brother died! It happened, whether you admit it or not… it happened, and I can’t do this anymore…”

  “Do what?!”

  “THIS…” Abbey shrieks… “This fake life, pretending everything’s fine when it’s not fine…! Acting like nothing happened isn’t going to make it all magically go away, it will only make things worse…”

  “I don’t act like it didn’t happen…” Peter gasps, disgusted at the accusation.

  “Yes you do. You all do…” Abbey argues, “you can’t move on properly if you don’t grieve and the best way to do that is to talk about him, but you don’t… ever. When was the last time we talked about something good or funny Ryan did?!” Abbey can feel her voice falter as she battles with her angry tears.

  “You think it’s that easy?!” Peter snaps, “You think we can all sit down at the table and have a laugh and a joke about the good old days and how great he was?!”

  “I’m not saying it’s easy, but it has to be better than this. Not talking about him, or even acknowledging him… you act like he never even existed…”

  “That is not true…” Peter tries to keep his voice stern but he can’t face Abbey any longer. He turns away and drops back down into the chair, holding his head in his hands.

  “Yes you do…” She disagrees, kneeling down in front of him, “…and I know why you do, because sometimes I feel it too. It’s like when you think about him and how he used to be, it’s too hard… because we failed him. It wasn’t an illness, it wasn’t an accident, it was his choice and we should have known he needed help…” Abbey can no longer stop her tears from falling and Peter forces himself to look up. He too is crying, but his demeanour is still aggressive, his anger palpable.

  “You honestly believe that he isn’t on my mind every single day? He is my brother and he will always be a part of this family, but constantly bringing him up and talking about what happened will only make it harder to let go. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him…” Peter stands, wiping the tears from his face as he moves wearily towards the door and he stops when Abbey speaks again.

  “If everything I just said is wrong…?” She asks in a pained whisper, “Why can’t you bring yourself to say his name…?” She waits for Pe
ter to respond and he eventually turns to face her, with the same blank expression fixed in place once more.

  “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve by behaving this way…” He states, flatly. “But you need to grow up and stop being so selfish… for everybody’s sake…” And with that parting shot, he leaves, quietly closing the door behind him.

  Abbey drops exhausted onto her bed and sobs into her pillow, pulling the covers tightly around her in an attempt to block out the pain. She never believed it was possible to feel such crippling loss. If only her family would open up and be honest with their grief, but Abbey knows that isn’t going to happen. They won’t talk about Ryan, what he did or why… especially not with her. No matter how much she wishes they would. She is completely on her own - totally lost - and more scared than she ever has been before.

  The following few days are excruciating. Abbey is constantly tense, waiting for Janet to come charging into her room at any moment, shouting the odds and no doubt threatening to ground her for the rest of her natural life. But Sunday passes by with no confrontation. In fact, Janet is in a strangely pleasant mood as she potters about the house, cleaning and running errands. Abbey is far less cheerful due to her horrendous hang over. She feels sick enough without the added nausea in the pit of her stomach caused by the knowledge that there will most definitely be repercussions from her late night ‘jail break’. At least that’s what she is expecting… but as the days go by, Abbey starts to feel even more anxious. What is Peter waiting for? Why hasn’t he told Janet? Is this some form of punishment, is he dragging it out to make her sweat? It doesn’t make any sense.

  Abbey can no longer take the anticipation and she decides to confront Peter. They haven’t spoken a word to each other or even made eye contact since their huge argument, but she can’t take the not knowing any longer. If she is going to be in serious trouble she wants it over and done with.