Even Angels Fall

by Fay Darbyshire

  2. The vast array of drugs that she has been taking over the past year have finally started messing with her brain. It could be the case. But she hadn’t taken anything on that particular night that would cause her to have such a disturbing hallucination?

  Or 3. The stress and anguish she feels due to everything that has happened lately has seriously started to affect her. Although Abbey doesn’t want it to be true, deep down, she knows that this explanation is probably the most likely. Her family - particularly her mum - don’t exactly have the best track record in coping when things get tough.

  In all honesty, the combination of all three most likely culminated in Abbey seeing Ryan. She must be far more fragile than she first realised after everything she has been through and coupled with her post sleep state and the fact she has been tampering with mind altering substances on a fairly regular basis… well, it was a recipe for disaster. Or rather a recipe for disturbing visions. At least that is the conclusion Abbey has reached, as it is the only explanation she can accept without scaring herself further. The alternative is far too awful to consider; the idea that she is slowly turning into her mother.

  On a slightly more positive note, Alex’s priorities seem to have shifted considerably after Abbey’s little ‘episode’. He is incredibly attentive, constantly checking in and making sure that she’s OK after her momentary breakdown. It is perhaps the only good thing to come out of such a traumatising experience and Alex seems to have finally realised that ever since their trip to Ireland he has been throwing himself back into ‘work’ with perhaps a little too much determination. It was important for him to get back on track and reclaim some control and power in his life - plus he was keen to prove himself to Moorland after all of his help - but after disclosing this to Abbey she had taken the opportunity to remind him that family should always come first. The group is fractured and it is important that they all stick together right now. They need him and so does she.

  He had been extremely receptive to her advice and was surprisingly quick to act on it; switching off his phone through the day and spending much more time at the flat than before. After this unexpected turn around - and considering that perhaps communication really is the key - Abbey had finally confessed to Alex about Lucy. He was of course angry and concerned at first. But Abbey assured him that things were improving now that Nathan had managed to talk to her directly about their concerns. It had been an uncomfortable conversation by all accounts and Lucy was highly defensive about what she was being accused of, but she eventually agreed that perhaps she had started to get a little carried away with it all and promised that she would take more care in the future.

  The drugs had been a coping mechanism, she took them to block out the things that were hurting her but now, as far as Abbey is concerned, she doesn’t need to strive for that numbing effect anymore. Not when she can turn to her, or Nathan or any one of the others instead. She just needed reminding that her friends are here for her to talk to and confide in no matter what and now that they all appear to be on the same page, Abbey truly feels like things will work out.

  Needless to say the revelation about Lucy, along with Abbey’s frightening melt down, seems to have shocked Alex into focus. He understands better than anyone how tough it has been lately and even though things appear to be improving, it’s about time they forgot about all the bullshit and got back to what they do best. And that’s drink, laugh and party in style. It’s time they started a new chapter and before they can do that, they all need to blow off some serious steam.

  By 8pm on Saturday night enough alcohol has been drunk to sink a small ship. Alex has gone all out, supplying booze, food and limitless drugs. The music is turned up full and they are all in high spirits, looking forward to the night ahead. He has even turned his phone off again - refusing to deal with anyone work related in his down time - and has organised guest list entry to one of the best clubs in town. He has missed this. Abbey can tell. He is laughing and joking with the lads like a typical 28 year old and his relaxed, care free demeanour is firmly back in place… at least for now. Truth be told, Abbey has missed it too. She remembers so clearly how much of an escape this was when she first met her friends and became part of the group. They saved her. They gave her hope and support when she needed it most and it meant the world. Things may not have stayed quite so simple and complications arose, but that’s life. And it is to be doubly expected when you live a life like they do.

  Tom is missed by all of them. It feels strange not to hear his loud, cockney accent bellowing across the room, cracking jokes and telling his hilarious stories. But he would want this. He would want them to be happy and to rebuild the bond that has been damaged lately, by their on-going problems and the resulting separation. It feels good to be back together in this way and Abbey is comforted, knowing that if they can make it through all the bullshit that the last few months has thrown at them, then their friendship really is strong enough to survive anything.

  Alex stands by the CD player, scanning through a stack of albums while trading insults and banter with Nathan from across the room and Liam skilfully divides a small pile of cocaine into several lines, laughing as Darren dives over the sofa onto Gemma and Sophie, breaking up their conversation. Abbey watches them all fondly, feeling a slight pang of concern as she is reminded that someone else other than Tom is missing out on the fun.

  Lucy told Nathan that she needed to be on her own for a little while, whatever that means, but it has been half an hour since she left the room and she still hasn’t re-joined the party. It is strange behaviour for Lucy as she hates missing out and is terrible in her own company. She gets bored instantly with no one there to mindlessly chatter to.

  Abbey stands discreetly and moves over towards the door, glancing back just in time to see Nathan flash a brief and appreciative smile. He is obviously anxious but is trying hard not to make a fuss, as it would inadvertently cause Lucy to feel even guiltier about making him worry.

  After checking her and Alex’s room and finding no sign of Lucy in there, Abbey knocks lightly on Tom’s bedroom door before pushing it open, pausing on the threshold as she smiles quizzically at her best friend. Lucy is laid on Tom’s bed with her head hanging off the end of the mattress. Her wild, blonde hair dangles loose with the tips almost touching the floor and she tilts her head back further as she smiles in greeting.

  “What are you doing?” Abbey laughs in amusement.

  “Just thinking…”

  “About what exactly…?”

  “You know… stuff. I’m trying to get a bit of perspective…”

  “By hanging upside down…?!” Abbey quips.

  “Everything’s been pretty messed up recently. I figured maybe if I change the way I’ve been looking at it all, it might start making sense…?”

  “So… let me get this straight…” Abbey smirks as she moves further into the room, “Because, in a manner of speaking, all the changes that have happened lately have turned your world “upside down”, you thought that if you literally turned yourself upside down, things would be the right way up and would make sense…?!” She frowns at her own explanation.

  “Exactly…” Lucy states nonchalantly and Abbey moves over to the other side of the bed, fighting back her laughter as she lies down beside her. She fans her hair out from underneath her shoulders and drops her head back so that it is hanging off the mattress in the same position as Lucy’s. They both turn to look at one another, laying there in silence for a brief moment.

  “You’re really weird…” Abbey states affectionately and Lucy breaks into a huge grin.

  “It’s taken you all this time to figure that out…?” She laughs.

  “No… I just thought it should be said…” They smile at each other and Abbey rolls her eyes, before staring back up at the ceiling, “Do you want to tell me why you’re really in here…?” She presses, cautiously and Lucy sighs in response.

  “It just feels weird… without Tom…”

&nbs
p; “I know. I keep looking for him and then remembering…”

  “Do you think he’s OK?” She asks in a pained whisper.

  “I really hope so. He can look after himself Luc, you know that…”

  “It isn’t fair though. He should be here…”

  “I know…” Abbey completely agrees but she shifts uncomfortably, unsure whether Lucy’s opinion of it being unfair is also her way of implying that it should be Alex in prison instead.

  “It’s just not the same…” She adds, sadly.

  “It’ll take time, but we’re all trying. Everyone’s here tonight, having a laugh together and we’re missing you in there. Having fun again doesn’t mean you’re abandoning Tom. Do you really think he’d want you moping about in here instead of enjoying yourself?”

  “I suppose not…” Lucy smiles, “It used to be me giving you the pep talks didn’t it?!”

  “Yeah it did…” Abbey laughs, “And those pep talks worked…! What is it you used to say? ‘Live for now, party like it’s your last’… You should take your own advice!”

  “It’s pretty hard to get in the party spirit when things have been so shit lately…”

  “That’s all the more reason to try! We need to get back to how it was and start having a laugh again…! God knows we deserve it!”

  “I think I like this new optimistic Abbey…!”

  “Well, it’s my new outlook on life, you know? The way I see it, if you want something to be different then make it different because no one’s gonna do it for you. If you’re stupidly positive then eventually things are bound to get better, right…?”

  “Are you on drugs…?” Lucy jokes and they both burst out laughing.

  “Yes, Yes I am, but that isn’t the point…!” Abbey states in mock defiance, “Things will get better, Luc. We all have each other and that’s what counts. Tom isn’t gone forever…”

  “True…” She nods in agreement, turning to look directly at Abbey again, “But what about you… seriously? Alex mentioned what happened last week Abs, that’s full on…”

  “Yeah, I guess it is…” She shrugs.

  “You saw your brother? I mean actually, physically saw him?”

  “I don’t know what the hell that was about if I’m honest, but it scared the shit out of me. For more than one reason…”

  “How do you mean…?” Lucy asks, and Abbey gestures dramatically with her hands as if the answer should be obvious.

  “You mean apart from seeing dead people in my bathroom? It scared me because my first thought was…” She trails off, almost not wanting to say the words out loud, “It’s feels like what happened to my Mum, is happening to me…”

  “You don’t know that…”

  “My Mum saw Ryan, Lucy. All the time! She spoke with him, like I’m talking to you right now, I mean it’s insane. I always thought she was completely crazy but now I’m doing the same thing…”

  “You didn’t talk to him. You saw him for a few seconds, Abbey…”

  “But he was so real… like I could actually reach out and touch him. I honestly don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t screamed the place down and made Alex come running…”

  “I bet that really shit him up…” Lucy muses, trying to fight back a smile.

  “Not half as much as it shit him up hearing that his girlfriend clearly needs committing…” They both laugh darkly in the knowledge that all jokes aside, it is definitely something that Abbey needs to keep a close eye on, “Seriously though… what if it is happening to me? What if I am losing it like my Mum did?”

  “You’ve had a lot to deal with Abs… we all have. When people are under pressure and stressed out their minds react in different ways. Maybe it all just got on top of you and this was your heads way of saying you can’t cope anymore? It doesn’t mean you’re going crazy…!”

  “I hope not! You’re crazy enough for the both of us…!” She smirks and Lucy nudges her playfully in the ribs.

  “You’ll be fine. Like you said, you’ve got us lot to make sure of that…”

  “So do you…” Abbey interrupts, “And you know that talking to your friends is better than burying yourself in drugs…”

  “Is this the part where you tell me off?”

  “No. I’m not your mother. But you were the one who told me you had to be smart with drugs and not push your limits… remember?”

  “I know. It’s hard to explain… Everything just got too much for me to handle and I needed that escape, then the more I did, the more I needed bigger and bigger hits to get it…”

  “But you’re not doing that anymore right?” Abbey scolds, “You’re partying on the same level as the rest of us, not getting silly with it?”

  Lucy smiles but says nothing as she lifts her hand and makes a cross shape over her chest in the sign of a promise. Abbey wishes that Lucy would give her some proper reassurance and swear to her that she’s learnt her lesson, but when are things ever that simple? If Lucy was struggling enough to get to this point with drugs then there’s no way she can just flick a switch and suddenly be fine. Besides, if she was feeling better then she wouldn’t have spent half the night on her own hiding in Tom’s bedroom, but what more can Abbey do?

  “It feels like it’s just one thing after another these days…” Lucy sighs.

  “Tell me about it. There always seems to be something… so much for your good luck charm Blake!” Abbey smirks, automatically reaching for the chain around her neck and twirling the amber pendant between her fingers.

  “I told you, it’s the thought that counts…!” She laughs, “I swear to god, luck just doesn’t exist… at least not the good kind anyway!”

  “I don’t know, sometimes it does. I found you lot when I needed you…”

  “That was more by chance I reckon. But I guess it worked out well. You got with Alex and you landed me as an amazing best friend, you really can’t fault that!” Abbey smiles and raises her forearm so that her elbow is resting on the mattress beneath her. She tilts it towards Lucy and she mirrors her action so that their arms twist together and they lock hands.

  “I could do a lot worse…!” Abbey smiles, “But I do get what you mean. It must be really nice, being one of those people that just coast through life, getting whatever they want! Some people have all the luck…!”

  “You know what I think Miller?”

  “What?”

  “I think…” Lucy announces, with underlying amusement in her voice, “That our guardian angels must drink as much as we do…!” Both Abbey and Lucy burst into a fit of laughter and continue giggling for a good five minutes. The sensation of hanging upside down is causing the blood to rush to their heads which only prolongs their amusement. Eventually Abbey sits up and clears her throat, struggling for breath as she leans forward, feeling more than a little light headed.

  “Well, watching over us two must be one hell of a job, you definitely wouldn’t do it hung over…!”

  “Very true…!” Lucy agrees, as she rolls onto her side.

  “Will you come back to the party now please…?”

  “Sure. I’ll be through in a bit…” Lucy nods, and Abbey frowns at her impatiently. Why can’t she just come through now, pour herself a drink and have a pick me up or two? She will feel so much better for it instead of staying in here and making her bad mood worse by dwelling on things that can’t be changed.

  “Don’t be too long OK…?” Abbey requests, but there is a hint of authority behind her voice and Lucy nods obediently.

  “Yes boss…!” She laughs, “And thanks, Abbey. I love you to bits; you know that right?”

  “Of course I do…” She smiles back in return, lingering for a moment by the open door, “Things will work out Luc, I’m sure of it…”

  “I know. We’ll be fine…”

  “Love you too weirdo…!”

  Abbey wants her happy, fun loving Lucy back so badly. This dark mood she seems to have spiralled into has been going on for far too long.
Ever since Nathan confronted her about her escalating drug use she has withdrawn into her shell and Abbey is unsure of how to reach her. Maybe she just needs more time? After all, she knows how much they all love her and when she is ready to deal with this properly they will be there for her without question.

  As Abbey re-joins the party Lucy lays back on Tom’s bed - the right way round with her head on the pillow - and glances at the clock on the wall. She knows that Abbey is right and that she is wallowing in self-pity but she just can’t seem to get motivated. She has no energy what so ever and isn’t in the mood for getting drunk at all. Restlessly, she sits up again; swinging her legs round and perching on the edge of the mattress as she slides open the top drawer of Tom’s bedside table. There are various papers stuffed in there along with a phone charger, a couple of lighters, half a pack of cigarettes and some old photos. Lucy flicks through them with a heavy heart. They are a few years old, taken on various drunken nights out during happier times. One from Tom’s birthday two years ago of him swigging tequila out of the bottle and sticking a defiant finger up to the photographer almost makes her laugh out loud. He is such an idiot. God she misses him.

  As Lucy tries to muster up the energy to join the others in the living room, something catches her eye. It is a green plastic carrier bag wrapped up small and stuffed right at the back of the drawer, almost as if it has been hidden. She gently pulls it out and unravels the contents from inside. There are several pills, each with tiny little black hearts stamped in the centre. Lucy recalls Tom telling her about these. They are a particularly strong brand of ecstasy - mixed with various other ingredients - which Tom claimed would ‘put a massive smile on anyone’s face and blow their fucking mind’.

  Lucy hesitates for a second, turning the little pills over and over in the palm of her hand. Maybe these are exactly what she needs? She wants to lighten up and get herself back into a positive frame of mind but she has been hitting the usual stuff so hard lately that the effects aren’t as strong or as satisfying as they used to be. This stuff though, is meant to be dynamite. She could take a couple, just to get her in the partying mood? One last blow out… one final night of getting that ultimate high and then she will kick it into touch and go back to being sensible. No more risks. She sits for a couple of minutes, internally debating with herself, before grabbing her bottle of beer and placing one of the pills on her tongue. ‘Why the hell not…?’