“I can’t actually believe how self-righteous you’re being right now…” He snaps, fixing his collar, “Taking drugs is perfectly fine when it fucking suits you, isn’t it? When you needed a distraction you didn’t question anything, in fact you were more than happy to get as trashed as the rest of us! You’ve spent the last god knows how long doing more drugs than most and now you want to preach about how wrong and immoral it is?!”
“Because it isn’t the same anymore, Alex…” Abbey shouts, completely confounded, “It isn’t about getting high and having fun… Lucy is dead and Tom is rotting in prison because of the life we lead, does that not register with you?!” They stand across the room from one another staring in a stony silence and Alex rubs his face, before stepping forward and holding out his hands in placation.
“Look… it should never have happened. And I wish more than anything that we could have helped her, you know I do. But Lucy took drugs because she wanted to… we take drugs because we want to. And yeah there’s a certain amount of danger involved, of course there is but we know that and she knew that too. She knew the score Abbey, it was her decision, her choice… no one else’s…”
“And that makes it better does it?” Abbey blinks, fighting back tears. Alex is upset too, but he is trying his hardest to keep it all in and remain detached. He can’t ever fall apart… not in front of the group. It would make him far too vulnerable and he needs to keep focused in order to get himself and the others through the coming afternoon. He hates fighting with Abbey - more than anything - and even though he knows how angry and confused she is, he just can’t deal with it right now. He needs to bring this argument to an end.
“People take risks every day…” He states, resolutely, “The fear of that should never stop you from living the way you want to live…”
“My god…” Abbey gasps again, shaking her head despairingly, “You know that is almost exactly what Lucy said to me when she sold me this life…” There is another, long, drawn out moment as Abbey’s words hang in the air, but before either of them can speak again there is a knock on the door and Gemma peers round.
“Sorry to interrupt guys, but we’re ready to go…”
“We’ll be right there…” Alex answers without breaking away from Abbey’s despondent gaze and Gemma nods, smiling a bleak, fleeting smile as she quickly escapes the awkwardness.
“Listen…” Alex sighs, taking another step forward and reaching for Abbey but to his surprise, she pulls away.
“You can stand there and make all the promises you want…” She states, solemnly, “But it won’t bring Lucy back. Jesus, Alex… who’s next?” And with that she turns away, grabbing her bag and her jacket from the bed in one swift movement before marching out of the room without so much as another glance in his direction.
Not sticking to the promises he made in Ireland is one thing but being in complete denial about how tragic everything has become is something else entirely. It’s as if he doesn’t want to admit that Lucy is gone which is understandable, but his ‘these things happen’ attitude is beyond belief. He is obviously putting his barriers up and seriously bottling his grief and that never, ever ends well with Alex.
The funeral is even more heart-breaking and far more difficult than any of them could ever have predicted. The turnout is huge, with mourners practically spilling out of the doors of the church. It is a testament to how popular and loved Lucy was and it makes it even more tragic to think that she will be missed by so many.
Beautiful white orchids adorn the coffin and the poignant order of service contains numerous photographs of Lucy with the important people in her life. Abbey tenderly traces her finger over a picture of the two of them, hugging and smiling in front of the camera, both completely oblivious that the photo is even being taken. They look so happy - and as the vicar speaks of her infectious character and her lust for life, a gut wrenching sadness consumes Abbey once more. The last time she was sat at a funeral, she was saying goodbye to her twin brother, the one person in the world who understood her better than anyone. It feels as though she is repeating the experience over, and for the second time in her life she finds herself struggling with an almost unbearable sense of loss.
After the thirty minute service concludes to Credence Clearwater Revival’s ‘Who’ll Stop the Rain?’ Lucy’s body is interred in the adjoining cemetery, in a beautiful plot beneath a blossom tree. Despite almost two weeks of grieving while trying to adjust and cope with her death, it is without doubt the harrowing moment when reality truly hits home. As the vicar recites the committal prayer and the coffin is lowered, it is all so incredibly final. She is gone… and they are never going to see her again.
One by one, the mourners tearfully lay their flowers and pay their respects, until Abbey, Alex, Darren, Sophie, Gemma, Liam and Nathan are the only ones left at the graveside. None of them move - almost as if they can’t physically bring themselves to leave - knowing that when they do, it will all be over and they will have to let her go.
Without saying a word, Nathan steps forward, gently throwing a single white rose onto the coffin before dropping to his knees. His face is crumpled in agony and his shoulders slump forward in utter despair as if he has absolutely nothing left inside him. No joy, no hope, and no purpose. There isn’t anything any of them can do other than stand quietly at his side, lost in their own grief as they wait for him to say his devastating goodbye.
Once Nathan’s thick, heavy sobs have stilled slightly and his pain has almost exhausted him, he walks arm in arm with Darren back towards the car and Sophie and Gemma follow behind. Liam takes a deep, steadying breath as he stands for a moment longer, staring down at the coffin with heart-wrenching disbelief. He looks as though he is about to say something, but doesn’t. Instead he takes a step back and looks up at a patch of blue in the sky above, smirking as he raises his hand in a loving salute.
Abbey clings tightly to the amber pendant around her neck, placing it against her lips and kissing it softly as she begins to back away beside Liam. It is only then that she properly acknowledges Alex for the first time since leaving the church. The damn has burst. The cracks have opened and tears fall freely down his face as he stands at the foot of the grave with his hands held respectfully in front of him. He is still battling his emotions, but he can’t contain them anymore. He can’t hold it in. He finally has to admit that Lucy has really gone. Abbey places her hand gently on his shoulder and he exhales sharply, rubbing his fingers in his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. He shakes his head with a sorrowful resignation and as he grasps Abbey’s hand he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a slightly dog-eared picture of the group. They are all smiling at the camera, ready for a night out, young, happy and completely carefree. Lucy is in the centre of the shot next to Alex and he has his arm draped affectionately over her shoulder.
He releases his grip and they watch as the photo flutters down into the grave, landing face up amongst the bed of scattered roses.
“I’ll see you later, kid…” He smiles, sadly, “Take the party up there, show ‘em how it’s done…” And after one final, reflective pause, they turn and follow the others back to the car and onto ‘The Locke’ for the wake.
After her fifth double vodka and coke Abbey loses count of how much she has had. She wants to drink herself into a stupor so that her memory becomes blank and she can block out the world around her, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Instead it drags her down further into the depths of her pain and she can’t seem to claw her way back out.
The many friends that have joined them at the pub for a drink in Lucy’s honour seem in relatively high spirits for a wake. There are tears, but there is also laughter, and a lot of reminiscing about the good times and the fond memories they shared. Perhaps it is exactly how it should be at a funeral? Remembering the happier days and being thankful that you had someone so special in your life, even it was for far too short a time. But Abbey, Alex, Gemma, Sophie and Darren have distanced themselves f
rom the rest of the congregation and have absolutely no desire to join in. None of them feel like talking, choosing instead to sit alone and drink continuously in a feeble attempt to numb the pain. Nathan had barely lasted half an hour before it all got too much for him and Liam had to take him home, and judging by the state he was in when he left, Liam will most likely be staying with him for the rest of the night as well.
They are all scared for Nathan, but it is incredibly hard to take care of someone else while you’re battling with your own pain. Abbey understands that now and for the first time ever she truly appreciates how difficult it must have been for her mum and her brother. She hated them for not reaching out to her enough after Ryan died. They didn’t try to help her or take the time to understand what she was going through but they couldn’t, because they were too busy struggling with their own grief and trying to find their own way through the hurt. It wasn’t easy for any of them.
As the pub begins to close up and Sophie and Gemma carry an almost comatose Darren to a waiting taxi, Abbey and Alex head back to the flat alone. Still reeling from their heated exchange earlier, the atmosphere between them is slightly awkward as they walk quietly side by side. Abbey hasn’t been this drunk in a long time but she has no intention of stopping for the night. She had felt irrationally jealous of Darren as he sat slumped in the passenger seat of that car, teetering on the brink of unconsciousness. She wishes she could close her eyes and switch off her thoughts as well, but ever since Lucy’s death she seems to have inherited Alex’s sleep deficiency. Too many harrowing memories keep racing through her mind and she just wants them all to stop. That is why she plans to follow Darren’s example and is determined to carry on drinking until her brain completely shuts down.
They arrive back home to a dark, empty flat and Alex retreats into the bedroom almost immediately, which Abbey is grateful for. She wants to be on her own to cry and sob and let herself feel without anyone holding her back. There is a fresh bottle of vodka in the fridge but no mixers. Usually that would bother her but tonight she is on a mission to get blind drunk and pouring it straight will no doubt enable her to achieve that goal a lot faster.
As Abbey relentlessly downs numerous shots - only stopping for another line of coke or to drop another pill - she can gradually feel herself slipping. She honestly doesn’t know where the hell she can go from here. Things can’t get any worse and she feels utterly trapped. Her family fell apart and now her friends are suffering too, and once again she feels as though she is completely on her own. She is drifting, with no direction and no hope, and the two people she wants to talk to more than anything in the world are lost to her forever. ‘How did it ever get to be like this?’
Painfully vivid images flash through Abbey’s mind in quick succession. Lucy’s lifeless body, Ryan, Alex, her mum, her brother’s battered and swollen face, Nathan at the hospital… one vision after another in a persistent, dream like assault. It is all too much and as the intoxicating effects of the cocaine and ecstasy spread through her body, she begins to lose her grip on reality, spiralling even further down into the deep black hole of depression. She wants this pain to be over. She doesn’t want to feel, or think, or be anymore. She isn’t strong enough to cope with this.
Completely removed from reality and unable to rationalize anything; all Abbey can focus on is the peace of mind that she so desperately longs for. All she wants is to see Ryan and Lucy again, and as she struggles to distinguish between what is real and what is a product of her imagination, she suddenly finds herself staggering outside onto the balcony.
Very hesitantly, she places her hands on top of the steel barrier, feeling the smooth, cold metal beneath her fingertips before slowly tightening her grip and pulling herself upwards. She carefully throws hers legs over the side before leaning forward and gently tilting her head back, breathing in the cold night air as she marvels at the stars and the sense of freedom they bring her. Utterly immersed in her drug induced haze and the welcome feeling of weightlessness, she doesn’t hear the balcony door slide open or notice a shocked and terrified Alex appear behind her, with his eyes wide and his arms outstretched in horror.
CHAPTER TWENTY
STARTING OVER
“Abbey…” Alex whispers, breathlessly, “What the hell are you doing…?”
It takes a brief moment for Abbey’s mind to pull into focus as she turns her head towards the distant and echoing sound of Alex’s voice. Her vision is blurred and her heart is beating fast, despite the strange sense of calm that has clouded over her.
“Is this real…?” She whispers back, while looking down at the road nine floors beneath her.
“What?”
“Is this real…?” She asks again - and Alex edges cautiously towards her with his hands outstretched in an appeasing fashion, as if he is approaching a startled animal he doesn’t want to frighten.
“You know this is real Abbey. I need you to give me your hand and climb back over the railing…”
“I don’t… I don’t understand…” She shakes her head and sways slightly from the dizzying sensation, causing Alex to hold his breath and lean forward apprehensively. The balcony is wet from the earlier rain and Abbey is drunk and totally out of it. She could fall to her death at any moment.
“If you slip, you’ll fall… and we’re a long way up babe. I need you to give me your hand so I can pull you back over…”
“It’s a lie you know…” Abbey murmurs so quietly it is barely a whisper and Alex almost doesn’t catch what she is saying.
“I’m not lying to you…” He answers impatiently, trying to remain calm while desperately urging her to grab hold of his hand.
“No, not you… I mean this, all of this. It’s a lie…”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Alex stresses, helplessly. He is trying hard not to make any sudden movements that might alarm her, while speaking slowly in a low, reassuring voice, as if trying to reason with a child.
“This… all of this…” She continues, dazed and distracted, “You take a hit and it makes you feel free. It makes you feel like you can do anything. You feel like everything is fine, better than fine… but it’s a trick. You don’t know what’s real or what isn’t… the good or the bad… it lies to you, this feeling… It’s a lie…”
“Abbey… you’re tripping. Please come back inside…” Alex begs, knowing full well that she is too far gone to be reasoned with.
“Is this real…?” She asks quietly once more, while gazing dreamily at the ground, “If I let go now… would I fly…?” Abbey flexes her fingers in the tiniest, most subtle way imaginable but it is all Alex needs to jolt him into action. He leaps forward and wraps both arms tightly around Abbey’s waist, hauling her over the railing and dragging her aggressively back into the living room. He finally let’s go as he throws her down onto one of the sofa’s and the impact shocks her out of her drug induced haze. She gasps as the reality of what she has just done comes sharply into focus, but before she can scream, panic, or cry, Alex grabs her shoulders and spins her round to face him, standing above her while shaking her wildly.
“What the fuck are you doing Abbey, for Christ sake?” He shouts, terrifyingly loud, “Do you really think that’s the answer? Do you really think that’s the way out? You of all people, after what you went through with your brother… you’d seriously put your family through that again… you’d seriously do that to me? I’ve lost Lucy and I’ve lost Tom and everyone’s hanging on by a fucking thread… I’m only just hanging in there and you go and do something so fucking stupid, Abbey? Why? I can’t lose you, do you understand me…. I can’t fucking lose you too…” Alex’s anger begins to subside towards the end of his furious rant and he drops to his knees in front of the sofa, crying with frustration, anger and grief. He pulls Abbey down onto the floor next to him and wraps his arms around her neck, holding her close and gripping her in an unbreakable embrace. She holds him back tightly as she sobs into his chest and they sit there
together for the longest time, crying for Lucy and for Tom, for the hopelessness they feel, and for the life they dreamt of living together, which they know they can never have.
It is the final straw for Abbey. Sinking to a new low and letting the pain overcome her so much that she ends up in the same frame of mind - the same hollow, empty space - as Ryan did years before. Alex was right to say what he said. After everything she and her family went through and she almost follows the exact same path. It is the wakeup call she needed. For so long she has been torn in two, between her real family and her life with her friends, and despite how much she loves them, how much she loves Alex, she has never truly been able to let go of her family. She never wanted to choose between them but now she feels as though the choice has been made for her due to the escalating circumstances and the dangerous situation she has found herself in. It isn’t easy; in fact it is almost impossible for Abbey to consider life away from all she has known for the past year. The friends she has grown to love; good people, just a little messed up, like her. And Alex, who is still by far the most important thing in her world.
Her heart sinks in her chest as she accepts what she has to do. It is far too complicated now and things have gone way beyond her control. What happened on the balcony is testament to that. Even though she loves Alex and always will, she knows she has to get out.
Spending the next few days agonising over her decision doesn’t help, but she can’t deny that it feels more and more like the right thing to do. Whether or not she tells Alex though, is something she can’t decide on - and the uncertainty is killing her. He saved her life, helped her in more ways than he will ever know, and now he’s the one that is struggling and she is planning on running away. He deserves more than that, he deserves better. But it is becoming clearer by the day that Abbey isn’t the one that can give him what he needs. Not when her staying means she could lose herself completely and end up sharing the same fate as Ryan and Lucy. It is too big a risk.
Even Angels Fall Page 38
