Before I Let You In

by Jenny Blackhurst

  Karen didn’t laugh. Her brow furrowed and her eyes stayed trained on Noah. Eleanor got the distinct impression she was avoiding looking at her.

  ‘We could carry on making small talk if you like,’ she offered. ‘Or you could tell me what you came here to attempt to say,’

  Karen grimaced. ‘It’s not that easy, Els …’

  ‘Is it Michael?’

  ‘No, it’s Adam.’

  Eleanor felt her stomach churn at the words. Karen wasn’t one for drama – whatever she was about to say, she’d thought about it a lot and it was clearly concerning her.

  ‘Spit it out then.’ She tried to sound unconcerned, but the wobble in her voice gave her away. ‘What about Adam?’

  Karen switched Noah to the other side, prolonging Eleanor’s unease for a few more seconds. When she spoke again, it was in a low voice, but her words might as well have been an assault.

  ‘I saw him with another woman.’

  Although she’d been half expecting it – what else could have been so important and yet so hard for her friend to say? – Eleanor felt sick. When she said nothing, Karen continued.

  ‘They were in a jewellery shop in town. He had his hand on her arm; they were obviously, um, together.’

  ‘Obviously?’ Eleanor repeated, almost feeling the moment the denial kicked in. ‘Why obviously? Did you see them kissing? Were they holding hands?’

  ‘Well no, but …’

  ‘But what?’ Eleanor’s voice went up an octave. ‘What else is there?’

  Karen shook her head and for the first time looked straight at her friend. She let out a sigh. ‘Nothing. There’s nothing else. But they were together, I just know.’

  ‘You just know.’ Eleanor suddenly felt every minute’s sleep she’d lost in the last twelve weeks weighing down on her. She just wanted to curl up under a blanket and not have to think about what Karen was trying to tell her. ‘It isn’t like you to embellish, Karen. If there’s something else, you need to tell me now. This isn’t some teenage boyfriend; this is my husband. The father of my children. I need more than just “I know.”’

  Her best friend sat on her sofa, cuddling her little boy and looking as though there was so much more she wanted to say. Why was she holding back? Was she protecting Eleanor? Because if she had solid evidence, Eleanor needed to hear it. She’d never been one for holding on to faint hope – she needed a definitive reason to believe her husband was betraying her, because she couldn’t afford to be wrong.

  ‘No, there’s nothing else. But it was the way they were together; there can’t be an innocent explanation for it. I’m sorry, Els, I know you don’t need this now, but I couldn’t not tell you. Do you hate me?’

  Eleanor couldn’t bring herself to answer, the question was so ridiculous. The floor had just been ripped out from under her, and all Karen could worry about was whether she was still going to be speaking to her at the end of it.

  She stood and crossed over to take her son from the arms of the other woman. ‘I don’t hate you, Karen, I just don’t know what to think. You come in here with literally nothing other than “the way they were together” and expect me to – what? What should I do now?’ She paced back and forth, instinctively rocking Noah on her hip although he wasn’t making so much as a grizzle.

  ‘I don’t know. I thought maybe you already suspected, that this would be enough to make up your mind.’ Karen bit her lip. She looked as though she was already regretting her decision to tell Eleanor what she’d seen.

  ‘Well I didn’t. And now I’m supposed to confront him with “Karen saw you touch a woman’s arm”? Let’s be honest, even if he was having an affair, all he’d have to do would be to say you were wrong, it wasn’t him you’d seen, or that she was a work colleague, and I’d have to believe him anyway. I can’t risk throwing away my marriage over your hunch.’

  ‘So you’re admitting it’s possible?’

  ‘No! Look, we might be a bit tetchy with one another, but Adam and I are solid – when would he even find time for an affair?’

  Even as she was saying it, her mind was showing her a slideshow of all the times he’d been late home from work recently, or out with friends. She allowed herself to feel the pain of the image of her husband touching another woman, kissing another woman. No, she couldn’t let herself go down that road. Not on the basis of him standing next to some woman in a jewellery shop.

  Karen sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I had to tell you what I saw, but you’re right, you need more. Maybe I should have followed him, or confronted him or something, but I panicked. You know your husband better than me; there was probably a totally innocent explanation for what I saw.’

  Eleanor knew instantly that Karen didn’t mean a word of what she had just said. Something had made her believe unequivocally that Adam was seeing someone else and she was refusing to say what. But why tell her anything if she couldn’t tell her everything?

  ‘Look, I appreciate you letting me know what you saw. I know you, and I know you wouldn’t have said anything unless you really felt like you had to. Do I believe Adam is having an affair? No, not really. But I also believe that you thought that strongly enough to tell me. So I’ll keep an eye on things, pay closer attention to what’s going on. But that’s all I can do really, without any proof.’

  Karen stood up, clearly taking the hint from Eleanor’s tone of voice that the conversation was over. ‘Will you be okay? Because I hate to just drop this on you and leave, but I’m guessing Adam will be back soon and …’

  And you don’t want to face him after what you’ve just accused him of. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, trying to force her face to match her words.

  Karen kissed Noah on the forehead and Eleanor placed him in his bouncer to see her friend out.

  At the front door, Karen turned. Had she changed her mind about telling Eleanor the full story? ‘You really haven’t noticed anything unusual? Any signs that someone has been in the house, watching you and the baby …?’

  ‘You’re freaking me out now, Karen. And no, I haven’t noticed anyone stalking me or my family or Adam sneaking anyone out of the back door when I get home. Have I been distracted? Yes. But not enough that I’d let those things pass me by.’

  ‘I’m just trying to look out for you, Eleanor …’

  She nodded briskly. ‘I know. But I’m a big girl now, I don’t need you interfering. Just let me deal with my marriage, okay?’

  ‘Sure,’ Karen mumbled. ‘Love you.’

  But Eleanor had already closed the door.

  22

  Eleanor

  Eleanor leaned against the front door and let out the breath she’d been holding. Exhaustion clawed at her eyelids, but there was no way she could let it win. She stood silently for a second or two, listening for the sound of crying that usually accompanied her leaving the room. When she heard nothing, she took the stairs two at a time and crossed the landing to the bedroom she and Adam shared, shoving open the door and cringing as it slammed against the wall.

  She didn’t know what she was looking for, and whatever it was she didn’t have much time to find it. Considering that until recently she had been the one who did all the cleaning and tidying, there weren’t many places Adam could hide things, but there were places she didn’t touch – his bedside drawers for a start. She moved with a frantic urgency, pulling out her husband’s innocent belongings: a phone charger, a spare light bulb, a remote control for a docking station long taken to the tip. No letters from a secret lover or spare phone, no lacy underwear or receipts from a fancy hotel room. A search of his jacket pockets and under the bed yielded the same result. Nothing to suggest he was anything other than a loving husband and father. Of course that didn’t disprove what Karen had told her, but it didn’t give her anything to confront her husband with.

  What are you doing? she asked herself, sitting back on her heels. Do you really think Adam is cheating on you?

  She tried to picture her husband browsing for jewellery wit
h another woman, placing a hand tenderly on her arm as she chose her consolation prize. Another thought occurred to her. Was he going to leave her? With a sickening clarity she realised that even if she found evidence that Adam was cheating on her, there was no way she could ever confront him. Because that would force him to make a choice. And what if he didn’t choose her?

  23

  Now

  How did you feel when you realised that Eleanor was the wife Jessica despised?

  I think I was just confused if I’m honest. I’m not saying I don’t believe in coincidence, but her choosing me as her psychiatrist by accident was stretching credibility. At first I just thought she wanted me to tell Eleanor so that Eleanor would leave him. There was simply no chance of that – patient confidentiality forbids it.

  But not if you believe someone is in danger.

  Exactly. At first I wondered if she was telling me these awful things to force my hand, so that I had to tell Eleanor. I never thought she’d act on them. I should have moved quicker.

  What happened when you finally told Eleanor what you’d seen?

  You know what happened. She didn’t believe me.

  Did that hurt?

  No, she was in denial. Besides, I still couldn’t tell her about Jessica being my patient, or the things she’d said. I had no other evidence to give her besides seeing him standing next to a girl in a shop.

  So what did you decide to do?

  What could I do? I had to wait to see what her next move would be. Are you saying I should have done more? That this was my fault?

  I didn’t say that. Do you feel like this is your fault?

  Of course I do. I should have done more. I just don’t see how I could have known after one meeting what she was capable of. I didn’t know who she really was. And when I did try and warn them, they didn’t listen. They didn’t believe me. I did my best. I only wanted to protect them.

  Just like you always did.

  Exactly. So you do understand.

  24

  Eleanor

  Eleanor lay on the sofa, her head in her husband’s lap, both of them staring at the TV – although if anyone had asked her to name the mindless drivel they were watching, she’d have had no idea. Her limbs were heavy with the exhaustion of everyday life, but her mind hadn’t stopped working since the minute she’d woken up to an empty bed and a silent house.

  Silent as the grave. That was the saying, wasn’t it? She should have been ecstatic. Noah’s first full night’s sleep since the day he was born meant an entire nine hours’ rest for her, and she hadn’t even woken in a cold panic in the middle of the night to check his breathing in the way she had on the few occasions he hadn’t woken every three hours. She’d obviously needed the rest, and had she woken lazily and reached out to find Adam snoring gently beside her; moved over to snuggle under his armpit like the days before a tiny demon had infiltrated their lives, it would have been the perfect start to her morning. Instead she’d woken with a start, unable to put her finger on what had disturbed her. It must have been Adam heading to the toilet, but when she reached out to snuggle up to his pillow, his side of the bed was cold and his mobile phone was gone from his bedside table.

  She had dragged herself out of bed and cracked open the curtains to see that his car was missing from the drive. Shit – was it later than she’d thought? Her breasts ached with the weight of stored milk, but it was still quite dark outside – though it always seemed to be dark these days, what with winter making its imminent presence known. Maybe Adam had snuck out to take Toby for breakfast, leaving Eleanor and Noah to have a well-deserved lie-in. The thought was so glorious that she’d been gutted to check her phone and see that it was only 7.05 – there’s no way they would have got themselves up and out that early. Gutted, then worried. Where was Adam? He hadn’t mentioned an early start the night before, and it was so unlike him to be up before his alarm went off at 7.45. The number of times she herself had still been up at 6 a.m. from a 2 a.m. feed and prayed he would somehow psychically wake from his slumber and take Noah while she clawed back an hour and a half of the night, but not once had he opened his eyes before that alarm.

  She’d thrown on her dressing gown and slippers and padded across the landing and down the stairs, one eye on the monitor as the third step from the bottom let out its trademark groan, half hoping, despite the missing car, to find Adam with a full English breakfast laid out on the table. But the bottom of the house was as quiet as the upstairs.

  Trying hard to control her rising panic, she had tried Adam’s phone twice whilst going about her normal morning tasks – making toast, pouring cereal for Toby, the whole time cradling the phone between her shoulder and her ear. When she gave up and threw the handset on to the kitchen counter, she heard grumpy little noises crackling from the monitor like angry static.

  Typically, Adam had called back just as Noah hit full-blown panic mode at waking and finding himself alone and probably starving after a full night without milk. Where the bloody hell had she left the phone? It had only been about four minutes since she’d last had it … Yes, the kitchen. Lugging Noah with her, she got to it just as it stopped ringing. Immediately her mobile started upstairs. By the time she’d answered, Noah was puce in the face and Eleanor was already exhausted and livid.

  ‘Where are you?’ She’d tried – and failed – to keep the annoyance from her voice.

  ‘I woke early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Thought I’d go to the gym rather than risk waking you and the kids.’

  ‘The gym?’ Adam hadn’t been to the gym in over twelve months, and suddenly this morning he was Mr Motivator?

  ‘Well I told you I wanted to start up again.’

  He’d mentioned it. Once. Eleanor had told him that if he wanted to start back at the gym, he’d have to go before work – the kids missed him enough in the evenings as it was. She’d just never expected it to actually happen.

  ‘And you didn’t think that if you were up early you could have done some of the housework, or got the kids’ stuff ready for school like I would have had to do?’

  Adam sighed, and she pictured him rubbing his face. ‘Els, I don’t want to argue. I just wanted some time to myself.’

  She laughed. ‘Time to yourself?’

  ‘We’ve been over this before. Time at work doesn’t count as time to myself. You get your Fridays – what do I get?’

  She’d wanted to ask what was so wrong with time with her – or point out how nice it would have been to wake up together for a change, instead of him going downstairs to find her half asleep and drooling on the sofa – but Noah’s demands for his breakfast had reached a level only dogs could hear, and she could hear Toby banging around in the kitchen and could only imagine the mess he was making getting the milk into his cereal.

  ‘Okay, have a good day at work, babe. Love you.’

  This was all Karen’s fault. If she hadn’t mentioned seeing Adam with that girl, Eleanor would never have spent the rest of the day wondering if her husband had really been at the gym, or thinking about all the ways she could find out if he’d been telling the truth, ranging from calling the gym to say he’d lost his pass and had it been used recently (risky – they’d issue a new one and probably mention it to him) to pretending to be a police officer and asking to see their security cameras (she realised they weren’t fantastic ideas). The old Eleanor of just a week ago would never have moved practically everything in the house under the guise of cleaning to look for evidence of his affair, and she definitely wouldn’t have spent forty minutes on Google looking up phone-tracking software – just in case. She had to forget what Karen thought she’d seen and concentrate on not screwing up her marriage.

  She could tell that Adam had been expecting an argument when he walked in that evening, but Eleanor had been too tired – and too scared of where it might lead – to oblige. The last thing she wanted to do was ask him outright if he was having an affair. What if he admitted it? Everything in their lives would b
e turned on its head, and she’d be forced to decide what to do about it. She didn’t feel ready for that tonight, perhaps not ever. And yet was she really the type of person to ignore her husband’s affair? Those women were weak, spineless, devoid of any character or backbone. Eleanor had never been like that. She abhorred people who lied and cheated; if you treated the person you were supposed to love that way, then what kind of person were you? Whenever she’d talked with her friends about cheating partners, she’d been the first to assert her opinion on the subject – if Adam ever cheated on her, he’d be gone. She felt almost embarrassed by that woman now; she’d known nothing of real life and of a marriage under strain. And suddenly life wasn’t so black and white.

  They bathed the children and put them to bed with barely a word between them. As Eleanor left Noah’s nursery, she paused by the door of her elder son’s room and listened to father and son talking about Toby’s day at school. How had it been so easy with Toby and yet so hard with Noah? True, there were differences in their situation, but if anything their bond after Noah was born should have been stronger than before. Now they had a child who was both of theirs, something they shared together, without secrets and lies. This should have been simple.

  The street outside was silent save for the occasional car pulling in and parking up at one of the other houses. Adam seemed more relaxed now that no row had been forthcoming, yet Eleanor felt him stiffen at a noise from outside the window.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked, sitting up. Adam’s eyes didn’t leave the TV.

  ‘What’s what?’

  ‘You heard something outside. It was in the bushes; I heard it too.’

  Adam leaned over and pulled the curtain aside an inch, peered out into the darkness. ‘No one there. Probably a bird.’