by Faiz Kermani
Tungtang climbed on top of a sticky bun and leaned heavily to one side until the bun rested against the trembling cup. She looked over the edge and was immediately captivated by the sight of the beautiful, swirling, dark brown pool of liquid that greeted her. She had to take care not to fall in – dizzy as she was with excitement from the warm steam that gently caressed her dusty, dry toad face. She flicked her tongue to the edge of the luscious liquid and noisily slurped her prize. It was even better than she could have imagined, and wonderful thoughts fluttered through her head. The mysterious drink cast a magic spell over her, and before she knew it she had drained the entire cup.
Tungtang sank back heavily onto a small pastry and let out a loud belch of satisfaction. It was the most delicious thing she had tasted in her whole life!
Chattering voices alerted her to approaching people. The two humans were back! Quickly, she rolled the pastry between her feet and dropped herself over the edge of the table. The soft, squishy contents in the pastry cushioned her fall and she bounced harmlessly across the floor and under a shelf.
A piercing scream rang out as Tungtang crouched in her hiding place.
“Who drank all my tea? And where is my Edelweiss éclair?” The white-haired woman was waving her arms about and glaring angrily at the other people in the room. “I demand to see the manager at once!”
Within seconds, the calm atmosphere of the room was transformed as the strange old woman and her husband ranted angrily. A young man and a young woman arrived at the table looking worried.
“This is an utter disgrace!” screamed the white-haired lady. “Lord Lobsterpants and I leave our table for a few minutes and a thief drinks our tea and makes off with our cream cakes!”
“And look at the state of the table!” fumed the bald-headed man. “There are enormous muddy stains all over it!”
“Lord and Lady Lobsterpants, I’m ever so sorry. I don’t know how this happened,” said the young man. “Please accept our apologies and let us make this up to you.”
“I’ll fetch some more tea and cakes,” said the young woman hurriedly.
“If you think we are going to sit down in this intolerable filth, you are very much mistaken,” shrieked the old lady. “What sort of people do you think we are?”
“We’ll find you another table immediately,” pleaded the young man.
“Unacceptable. Unacceptable!” bellowed the old man as he banged his walking stick against the table. “Perhaps we should be on our way. I do not think we should waste any more of our time in the company of these ridiculous, uncouth people.”
The old woman carried on complaining as she and her husband exited the room. “You will be hearing from our lawyer. My husband plays golf with the Prime Minister!”
“What was that all about?” said the young woman helplessly.
“I have no idea,” replied the young man. “They seemed so pleasant when they came in.”
“Something weird is going on,” said the young woman as she picked up a squashed pastry from the floor. “Why would this be on the floor and covered in mud?”
Chapter 4
That evening, when the room was empty and silent, Tungtang crept out from under the shelf. It had been an exciting but tiring day for her and she needed to find somewhere more comfortable to sleep.
As Tungtang hopped between the tables, her nostrils picked up the beautiful scent of the marvellous drink she had enjoyed earlier that afternoon. It was much stronger than before. She followed the enticing perfume down a corridor, where she heard the sound of loud voices.
The discussion was coming from behind a door that was slightly ajar. Humans had proved to be very entertaining, and Tungtang was too inquisitive to pass by without listening in. She peered through the gap and recognised the young man and young woman she had seen earlier. They were deep in conversation. She soon learned that the man’s name was Kamran and the woman’s name was Lydia, and that they owned the building.
“Sometimes I wonder why we bothered to open this place,” said Kamran. “Things were going so well at the beginning—”
“We have to give things more time,” interrupted Lydia. “Every business has its ups and downs.”
“Maybe we were wrong to open a tea shop,” continued Kamran, with his head in his hands. “Perhaps we should have done something else.”
“Like what? People like drinking tea.”
“Yes, but they don’t need to come here to drink it, do they? They can go anywhere. Look at all the cafes opening up across town. They’re much cheaper than us.”
“Those places don’t have the same atmosphere as this place does. People like to come here and have a memorable experience.”
“I’m worried that not enough people think they’ll get anything special here.”
“Then we need to prove to people that we are different.”
“How?”
“I’ve been thinking about that. All those other places serve tea, but do they really understand tea? We need to show people that we are the tea experts because we love tea.”
“But how are we going to do that?”
“We’re going to hire a tea-taster.”
“What? That’s crazy. Where are we going to get the money for that?”
“Don’t worry. I’ve already looked into it and we can afford it. The taster would come in once a week and demonstrate how great our teas are and explain why. Then people would see how much we care about what we serve.”
“And then you think that more people would turn up?”
“Yes, absolutely. We’d get customers who also care about the tea they drink. People who don’t want to drink the poor quality rubbish they serve in those ordinary cafes.”
“I hope we don’t get any more customers like the ones this afternoon,” groaned Kamran.
“Don’t worry about it. No one else reported anything strange. We just have to forget about those crazy people and focus on the future.”
“You’re right. Let’s try out your idea.”
“Great! I’ll contact the local newspapers tomorrow and put in a small advert.”
Tungtang’s eyes widened. Thanks to this fascinating conversation she had finally learned the name of the magical drink – it was called tea! She croaked the human word softly to herself.
“Did you hear that?” said Kamran, jumping to his feet.
“What?” asked Lydia.
“I heard a strange noise. It came from near the door.”
By the time Kamran had reached the door, Tungtang had vanished.
Tungtang continued to follow the exotic smell and found herself in a small room full of wooden boxes. She found a way to pry open some of the crates and rolled around in the tea leaves, greedily crunching on those that happened to fall into her mouth. What a delight to discover that there were so many wonderful varieties! She let out a huge belch and chuckled as a heap of leaves flew high into the air and then dropped conveniently onto her outstretched tongue. How glorious to be able to both eat and drink tea – what more could a toad wish for in life?
She hummed a little song to herself as she relaxed on a soft bed of tea leaves. They were labelled Emerald Sea.
Tea, tea – wonderful tea
What a glorious discovery
Your scent is heavenly, your taste divine
I want to drink you all the time!
That night, Tungtang dreamed of nothing but tea. She could not have been happier.
Chapter 5
Queen Catherine’s Olde English Tea Shoppe is Looking
for a Tea-Taster!
Are you passionate and enthusiastic about tea? If you know your Pouchong from your Lapsang souchong and your Keemun from your Yunnan, you could be just the person we are looking for.
We have an exciting and unique oppor
tunity for an experienced, talented tea-taster to join us. Your job will be to sample all our high quality teas and make recommendations on what we should stock. You will also help us develop new blends to introduce to our customers.
If you are interested, please pop into the shop or call and ask to speak to Lydia or Kamran.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Tungtang settled quickly into her new home. The tea storage room was warm, comfortable and an endless source of delicious food. It was also a convenient place to operate from during the day. Over the months that followed, she developed an efficient routine that matched the hours of business of the shop and satisfied her continuing love of tea. In the evenings, after her work was done, she would creep outside and jump around in the muddy puddles in the small yard behind the shop for a while before heading to bed. Life was rather wonderful.
Tungtang thoroughly enjoyed being around humans and felt that she was an expert on them. It was true that they were strange, unpredictable creatures, but they were always entertaining. Unlike toads, who could have a deep and meaningful conversation by exchanging a few well-chosen croaks here and there, humans felt the need to talk loudly all the time – usually while the person they were speaking to was also speaking. Her favourite conversations were when people exchanged gossip. It was the best way to find out about what was happening in the town.
Tungtang would try to move silently around the tables of the tea shop unseen, taking advantage of the fact that the customers were distracted by discussions on all manner of subjects – ranging from disagreements over who should get their vote at the next council election to complaints about their neighbour’s overgrown hedges. Occasionally she would almost get spotted, which caused dramatic reactions from some customers.
“I want to speak to the manager! Someone’s stolen my tea!” shrieked a smartly-dressed young lady one day – as various other customers before her had done.
Kamran and Lydia ran as fast as they could to the table… but once again the mysterious tea thief had long since vanished. The tablecloth was covered in the familiar pattern of dirt, and half-eaten cakes littered the floor.
“This place is an unhygienic disgrace!” shouted the lady. “When your advert stated that I would have a memorable experience, this is not what I was expecting!”
“We’re ever so sorry—” started Kamran, but it was too late. Within moments, the lady had picked up her expensive handbag and walked out.
Lydia shrugged her shoulders. She was as puzzled as he was by these recurring incidents.
From behind a nearby flowerpot, Tungtang grinned in satisfaction. Who would have realised that Victoria sponge cake went together so well with Golden Giraffe tea? It was almost as good as the combination of lemon soufflé and Himalayan Harmony that she had plundered from the group of foreign tourists the previous day.
When all the noise had died down and everyone had forgotten what had happened, Tungtang crept slowly along the corridor to the storage room for a quick snooze. She yawned as she debated whether to sleep in a box of Earl Grey or English Breakfast. She did enjoy the refreshing fragrance of Earl Grey, but her work that morning had been extremely tiring. It was one of those naps that would be more suited to the warm, toasty flavour of English Breakfast. Soon, she was snoring merrily upon a blanket of dark tea leaves, which stuck to her – thanks to the spit that drooled from her open mouth.
***
Tungtang was woken by the sound of the old clock in the main tea room striking four o’clock. It was her favourite part of the day – afternoon tea. The shop was always packed with eager customers demanding afternoon tea; they would try to push each other out of the way in order to get the best tables. Tungtang loved the confusion and the noise as it made her job of sampling their tea and cakes so much easier.
Among the crowd surging into the shop, Tungtang spotted an elegantly dressed old lady followed by a young boy.
“Why can’t we go somewhere interesting?” complained the child. “Look at all these boring people.”
“Behave yourself, Britannicus!” whispered the old lady. “It’s high time that you learned to become a gentleman.”
Lydia was leading them to the back of the room near an ornamental statue – a perfect hiding place from which Tungtang could raid their table.
“I would like to try a pot of the Taj Mahal Tangerine,” said the old lady. “And could you please bring along a plate of Suffolk scones?”
“And for your grandson?” asked Lydia.
“I don’t want tea. I hate tea,” grumbled the child. “This place stinks.”
“Don’t be so vulgar, Britannicus.”
Tungtang stared at the strange child in astonishment. How could anyone hate tea?
“He will have a herbal tea,” continued the old lady.
“No I won’t. Herbal teas are disgusting.”
“Britannicus, behave!”
When Lydia had returned with the tea and scones, Tungtang prepared for her mission. While the old lady argued with the child, Tungtang swung from the statue onto the table. She raced across the tablecloth to the nearest cup and greedily sipped from it. She spun round, shovelled a large chunk of scone into her mouth, dived behind the teapot and then rolled off the table and cushioned her fall against the old lady’s handbag on the floor. Woo hoo! It was such fun. Within seconds she was back by the statue.
“Aaargh!” screamed the boy. “I just saw something near your plate.”
The old lady stared at the dirty stains in shock. “You ghastly child. You did this, didn’t you?”
“No! There was a creature—”
“Don’t talk such ridiculous nonsense. I’ve had enough of your practical jokes.”
“But I saw it!”
“Be quiet. This is the last time I bring you out with me.”
As the two raised their voices, the people at the next table began to get interested. Tungtang was also enjoying the show.
“The creature was there!” The child pointed desperately at a patch of dirt by the teapot, but it made no difference to his grandmother.
“I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour, Britannicus. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. We are leaving at once. You wait until your parents hear about this. There’ll be no pocket money for you for weeks!”
“It’s not fair!”
The child continued to protest his innocence, but his grandmother refused to listen to him. Tungtang sniggered as she made her way back to the store room. It had been another fine day’s work.
Chapter 6
Lydia sank into an armchair in the office and sighed. The search for a tea-taster was not going well at all.
“Another failure?” asked Kamran.
Lydia nodded. “This one was utterly hopeless.”
“He told me he was highly experienced.”
“That’s a joke. He was the worst I’ve interviewed so far. I doubt that he could have told the difference between tea and dishwater. I’m fed up of these timewasters.”
“I’m not having a great time either,” replied Kamran, waving the letter he had in his hand.
“Not another complaint,” groaned Lydia.
“I’m afraid so. The usual comments about the terrible experience they had and the unhygienic state of our tables.”
“I don’t get it. Every time we seem to be doing well, these weird incidents seem to happen. There’s got to be something we’re missing.”
“I wish I knew. Unfortunately, we never catch whoever’s responsible, and the customers are in such an angry mood that you can never get any sense out of them. Then there’s the issue of those damaged tea crates in the store room. It’s all so mysterious that I’m almost beginning to wonder if this place is haunted.”
“Now you mention it, I did overhear something strange yesterday.”
“What?”
“Do you remember that old lady and her badly behaved grandson?”
“Vaguely, but she didn’t make a complaint about us.”
“I know, but when she dragged the child out of the shop he was yelling about seeing a creature in the tea room.”
“A creature?”
“He didn’t say exactly what it was, but he did seem very insistent.”
“I think what we need to do is make a record of each incident, including the time and date and see if we can figure out a pattern. There’s got to be a simple answer to this.”
Over the next few weeks, Lydia and Kamran began to compile records of the strange happenings in the tea shop. Before long, they began to see possible connections between some of the incidents. Why, for example, did they suddenly increase when a new shipment of tea arrived? Why was the wall next to the flowerpots always slightly grimy?
One day, when Kamran had returned from London with a new batch of tea, he sat down with Lydia, and together they worked out a plan of action.
Meanwhile, down the hall, life was continuing as usual for Tungtang, who was as content as could be with the way things were. She nibbled on a soggy lump of muffin that she had swiped earlier and set about arranging her cosy bed in a box of Lapsang souchong tea leaves.
She yawned as she sang a happy song to herself. What new adventures awaited her tomorrow?
Toad for tea and tea for toad
How I love my humble abode
Rows of crates without an end
Filled with every luscious tea blend
How can anyone ever go wrong
With a cup of Lapsang souchong?
It radiates an air of pure sweet pine
