The List (Part Five)

by Allison Blane

  The List

  Part Five

  Allison Blane

  Contents

  Part Five

  About the Author

  Also by Allison Blane

  Untitled

  Copyright

  Part Five

  It felt as if the note was staring back at him, boring into his soul and trying to pry out some admission of his guilt.

  There it was. In Dana's hand. Her thoughts in his handwriting--the list of dirty fantasies he'd copied from her diary and stashed away for his own personal study. The ultimate betrayal.

  "It's not what it looks like," he said, even though it most definitely was.

  "I'm not really sure what to say to that." She smoothed the note out on the table, and he turned off the burner on the stove, and then slid into the seat opposite her.

  For a long while, he allowed the silence to stretch over them as he willed her to look him in the eye.

  Like, maybe if she met his gaze it'd be easier for her to forgive him. Or, at least a little bit less painful to listen to what he'd done.

  When a few minutes had passed and there was still no sign of movement, though, he reached across the table for Dana's hand and she yanked it away so fast he was amazed she didn't catch a splinter.

  "Dana, I was going to tell you."

  "How about you tell me now. What were you doing looking in my private diary? I feel...used. Violated." She winced and he sighed.

  This hadn't been the way he'd planned on telling her. In his mind, there had been joking and whispering and long, heartfelt explanations. Here? With the single kitchen light shining on them from overhead, it felt more like a crime scene interrogation.

  Which, he supposed, was probably more fitting.

  "I didn't think it was going to be a big deal--"

  "You what?" She hissed, but he rushed to continue before she had the chance to fully unleash her rage.

  "At first, I mean. The diary just fell open. You remember? That day you couldn't find it?"

  "I was a wreck that day. I was convinced one of my patients had found it. And then--"

  "I went to the hospital to visit you."

  She grimaced. "Because of the diary."

  "At first, yes. But...it was fun and you were so happy. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to give you the things that you wanted and I didn't want to--"

  "Stop. I think I get the picture. You've been using my list like a check off sheet of sex positions and you didn't want me to know about it because you wanted me to think you were some kind of sex psychic, is that it?"

  He held up his hands in a show of innocence. "No, it wasn't like that."

  "Whatever it was, did you read anything else in the diary?"

  "No."

  "Okay." Without another word, she slid her chair back from the table, and turned on her heel.

  He watched her go, already envisioning all the different things he could have said in order to make things better.

  But at the end of the day? He should have always known it would end up like this.

  With him groveling for Dana's forgiveness as they both scavenged for the pieces of the trust he'd shattered.

  He padded out to the living room to find a pillow and blanket sitting in front of the closed bedroom door.

  When he knocked, there was no answer, just as he knew there wouldn't be.

  * * *

  Dana stared at the ceiling for most of the night, trying to piece together what she was supposed to think, how she was supposed to feel.

  Had it been that stupid freaking list that had made Jax so hot for her? Even if the thing was of her own making, it stung to think that when he looked at her, he'd been thinking about those things.

  That it wasn’t just a spur of the moment fantasy.

  That was the real thing she wanted. To do all those things in the moment with her husband because they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Not because they were ticking off markers as a means to some arbitrary end.

  She blew a piece of hair out of her face and watched as it drifted back onto her cheek.

  Of course, she could see how he might think it was sweet. Trying to put her needs ahead of his own. Before that day at the hospital...

  Her stomach turned, thinking of how happy she'd been. Before that, they'd barely gotten to spend any time together. Now it felt like they were a priority.

  That she was his priority.

  She rolled over and stared at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning, and if she hadn't come up with answers yet, she certainly wasn't going to have them tonight. The best thing to do would be to close her eyes and pray for sleep to come.

  The rays of sun streaming through the window felt a little too forceful this morning. Dana blinked, rubbing her eyes before finally burrowing her head into the pillow again.

  Oh god, she'd have to face Jax today.

  Or, more accurately, Jax would have to face her.

  And the worst part of it was she still had an indecipherable ache in her chest whenever she thought about the whole situation.

  With a deep breath, she rolled to her feet and stretched.

  Today was going to be a tough one, but she was going to face it.

  As she slid into her robe and slippers, she yawned and then padded toward the door only to nearly slip and fall on something.

  A tiny piece of paper had apparently been stuffed under her door last night, and she bent over to find the now slightly discomforting sight of her husband's handwriting.

  Dana,

  I can't begin to say how sorry I am, What I did was a violation of your trust and your privacy. I promise you, I will do whatever I can to make up for what I've done to you.

  I thought all night about the best way to start, and I think the best solution is to give you my list. I know it's not exactly the same as what I did, but I hope it will make you feel like we're close to being on even footing.

  1. Falling asleep inside you

  2. You surprising me in the shower when I'm getting ready for work.

  3. Eating ribs while having sex (this, I think, is everyone's sexual fantasy)

  She suppressed a laugh, then continued on, turning over the page to read through each and every one of his 57 wishes.

  Some were sexy, some were silly, and some were deeply intimate, but the more she read, the more she knew how much time he'd spent. He'd poured himself onto this page, and as far as she was concerned that was worth something. She read over the closing again and sat back on the bed, tilting her mouth to one side as she deliberated her options.

  I know this isn't enough, but it is a start, and make no mistake--these are not requests. I could live my whole life without any of these things happening. The most important part of any of them--the thing that makes them fantasies--is that they're all with you. For me, you are the only thing I need.

  I love you,

  Jax

  There was, she decided, no determining the correct course of action. All she could do was go face her husband, and once she laid eyes on him, the right answer would come to her.

  It had to.

  * * *

  When Dana walked into the room, he sat bolt upright, his heart already in his throat as he waited for her to speak. Apparently, though, she was determined to make that no easy task.

  For a long while, she stood in the doorway of their bedroom staring from him to the letter in her hand and back again. Her expression was mercilessly blank and he wondered if she'd read the letter or if she simply hadn't cared enough to make the effort.

  He swallowed, wondering if maybe he should explain, but after what he'd written, what else was there to say?

  Finally, she crossed the room and sat in the armchair ne
arest the door. With her mouth tilted to the side, she set the letter down on the coffee table in front of her, then leaned back in her chair.

  "I read it." She said at last.

  He nodded, waiting for the verdict.

  "It was thoughtful and I...appreciate that." She took a deep breath, her normally smooth brow wrinkled in concentration. Last night's makeup still coated her face, though now it was smudged with sleep and time. It didn't matter.

  She was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on.

  "You're right that it's not the same. This letter, I mean. But, I thought a lot about what must have been going through your mind when you found the list. I wondered what I would have done if I were in your position."

  He nodded, leaning closer to the edge of his seat.

  "I would have read it." She nodded. "If I'm being completely honest with myself, I know that I would have done that. But I would have told you."

  The clock ticked on the wall, and still he waited, listening to the second hand twitch. He knew he should apologize and yet, at the same time, he knew that now was not his time to speak.

  "I think I understand why you didn't. Or, at least, I think I can appreciate where you were coming from. And I do have to credit you with trying to make me happy, even if you went about it the wrong way."

  She got up, then joined him on the sofa, taking his hand in hers so gently that he could hardly believe it. "The thing is, I should have told you that stuff. We should already know these things about each other. Do we have trouble talking about sex?"

  "Not when we're--"

  "No, not when we're having sex. But in general. Can you tell me what you want?"

  "Yes."

  "Then tell me. Tell me right now."

  "I want you to forgive me." He said.

  "No, I mean, if you could pick anything on your list to tell to ask for, what would it be? I want you to look me in the eye and be honest about what you want."

  "Dana, this is a little..." He didn't know what. It just wasn't the way they did it. Or, at least, it never had been.

  Before the list, sex had been reserved for their private moments. It was something that had never been spoken, but was asked for with a nibble on the neck or a deep kiss in the middle of the night. For as long as he could remember, he'd never told her what he wanted aloud.

  "I know. That's the point. And things between us are going to be just fine. So long as you tell me what you want."

  He cupped her cheek, glancing from he smear of her eyeliner to the faint pink outline of what had once been her bright red lipstick.

  "I want to watch you undress and then I want to take a shower with you and wash all of this off of us."

  She nodded, and the expectant flutter of her eyelashes let him know he was expected to continue.

  "I want to put soap in my hands, lather it up, and then wash every part of your body. Then I want you to do the same for me. And...and I want you to get on your knees and..."

  She nodded again. Continue.

  "I want you to suck my cock. I want to pull your hair while you lick me and then when I'm about to come, I want to push you against the wall and fuck you while the shower sprays over us."

  This time when he finished speaking, she didn't nod. Instead, she dropped her robe to the floor, pulled her dress over her head, and then walked into the bedroom, her ass swaying with every move.

  When she got to the doorway, she turned to face him, then reached behind her and let her bra fall to the ground. "Well, what are you waiting for? You've read my list. Let's start in on yours."

  * * *

  The shower steamed the room in a matter of minutes, and when she stepped into the spray, she did feel oddly renewed. With the droplet dripping down her body, she lay in wait for her husband to push aside the shower curtain and join her.

  And luckily, she didn't have to wait long.

  Jax stepped into the little space quickly and quiet, but the second she saw him, it felt like his presence had consumed the place entirely. His hungry gaze made her feel breathless and overcome with raw, insistent need.

  This was the way it was supposed to be.

  Staring each other in the face, telling each other their hopes and desires and passions. Even listening to him had made her so wet that she couldn't wait to strip off her clothes and drop to her knees. With any luck, this would only be the first of many, many similar experiences.

  "Are you sure this is what you want?" He took the bottle od body wash in his hand, then stared, waiting for her answer as he rubbed his strong, rough hands together.

  She nodded.

  This was their new beginning.

  All they had to do was start. Slowly, he stepped toward her and then his warm hands were on her, smoothing the space where the water pounded into her back with sweet, gentle movements.

  He took is time, like he was trying to memorize the feel of her. His fingers worked over her hips, massaging the space were her hipbone contoured with her stomach. Then he travelled upward, feeling the underside of her breast with gentle, sweet motions.

  She closed her eyes, her focus pinging between the insistent pounding of the water on her back and the steady tingle of her sensitized skin wherever his touch met hers.

  She leaned her hair back into the spray and let the water drip onto her face, sliding over her breasts and trickling down the center of their body where his fingers had finally found the spot she was more desperate for him the touch.

  She murmured her approval, and his finger slipped inside her, gently at first, and then in and out until she ground along with him.

  It would be her turn soon, and her mouth watered at the thought of taking him deep into her mouth the way she had yesterday in the coat closet. This time, though, she'd be able to use her hands.

  She could massage his thighs and cup his balls exactly as she wanted to, and when she flicked her tongue around his base, she'd be able to work him harder still with her hand.

  She moaned lower at the thought, and then his thumb circled her clit, making her grind into her harder. Making her want to climb on top of him right there on the shower's floor and bring them both to a screaming release.

  Instead, she cupped her own breasts, rolling each of her nipples between thumb and forefinger until her moans became silent screams of satisfaction.

  "Yes, baby," Jax urged her, "You look so hot."

  And so did he. Smiling up at her, his dark hair darker still from the spray of the shower. He looked like something out of Calvin Klein commercial and she thought, not for the first time, of exactly how lucky she was.

  Sure, he'd made a mistake.

  But a mistake that could lead to this?

  That was something she was more than willing to forgive.

  Suddenly, he thrust another finger inside of her, working her even faster than before, but she slipped away before she lost herself in him. If she let this go on, this would all become about her, just as all the other times had been.

  Now? Now was her time to prove that she was just as ready and willing to satisfy him as he was with her.

  She crooked one finger to him and he rose to his feet, towering over her in a matter of seconds. Gently, she pushed him back against the wall, and though she'd wanted to skip right to pleasuring him, she couldn't bring herself not to meet his lips with hers.

  She had to taste his tongue, to circle it with hers, to feel the electricity that always waited for her there. She closed her eyes and pulled his bottom lip between her teeth, nibbling gently before releasing it and then finally lowering herself to her knees and bracing herself against his thighs.

  It was all she could do not to lavish all her kisses along those thighs. To massage his calves and dip beneath his shaft to tease his sack with her tongue. To take each of his balls in her mouth ever so gently and suck until he begged for her to take all of him.

  Bu that wasn't what her husband had asked for, and so that wasn't what she'd do. Instead, she gripped the base of his sh
aft with one firm hand and then slid him between her lips, bobbing over his head once, twice, three times before pulling him in all deep as he could go.

  She gagged a little when he hit the back of her throat, but she didn't care. The way he groaned her name, the way his fingers slid between her locks and pulled her hair away from her face made it all worth it.

  With her free hand, she teased the space between his thighs until he groaned louder still.

  "Fuck, baby." He said, and she smiled against his cock before moving up and down again. With every groan she worked him faster, loving the instant gratification of his approval, but then he gripped her hair a little harder, moving her slower against him, and she obeyed without a thought.

  She moved along with him to match the speed, massaging each of his inner thighs slowly and gently. And as much as she wanted to feel him push inside of her, another part of her wanted to feel him spend himself in her mouth so she could swallow him down in one. Or lean back and watch him work himself until he came all over her breasts.

  Then he could wash the white liquid away and lay her down on the floor of the shower, each of them panting as they felt every little drop of water on their naked bodies.

  She should ask--would ask--but no. This was what her husband wanted, and before she knew it, his strong hold was pulling her back. Then her hair was released and his hands were on her biceps, pulling her to standing though part of her was still in a lust-induced haze.

  "Let me finish," She breathed when he was near enough, and though he smiled, he didn't bother to answer.

  Instead, he pushed aside her soaking hair and dropped kisses along the column of her neck, then lower, past her color bone and over the top swell of her breast until he'd found her nipple.

  One hand dipped between her thighs and he teased her there for a moment before his teeth closed over the nipple and he sucked, gently at first, and then harder until he arched into him and whimpered.