Break a Leg, Darlings

by Marian Babson

  'Woooof!' A deep echo endorsed my sentiments and the hairy mattress sagged and wobbled.

  I tried to push myself upright, but slid and pitched forward, clutching my mattress around its massive neck. On the second try, I managed to sit up and discovered I was astride Tex – just like the cowboy heroes who leaped off balconies on to the backs of their faithful horses waiting below. Well, Tex was the size of a small pony.

  'Trixie! Are you all right?' Evangeline was at my side, looking more distraught than I had ever seen her. Nigel, Terence and the members of the club were right behind her, clustering around me. 'What happened?'

  'Aaarrffrruuff!' Tex decided this was a great new game and began to prance about with me still on his back.

  'Stop it! Stand still!' I tugged at his ears. 'Get me off of here, I appealed to someone, anyone.

  'SIT!' Evangeline thundered in response to my plea. 'Sit! Sit!' As usual, one word from her and Tex did as he pleased. To my anguish, he decided that taking me for a canter around the courtyard would add to the fun. He set off briskly. I clung on, trying to keep my feet from dragging on the cobblestones.

  'SIT!' Evangeline was still in there trying. Nigel broke away from the others and circled, trying to cut us off at the pass.

  He had the right idea. If Tex got out of this courtyard and began roaming the streets, there was no telling where we might wind up. If only he'd stand still, I could get off.

  Dizzy and disoriented, I closed my eyes, rested my head against the back of Tex's neck and held on for dear life. Maybe this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon.

  'You terrible woman!' An avenging fury pushed her way through the onlookers. 'Get off that poor defenceless dog!'

  'I'm trying,' I whimpered. 'I'm trying.'

  With a yelp of delight, Tex whirled abruptly to carry me up to Lucy, who aimed a blow at my head. Thanks a lot, Tex.

  Tex backed away, perhaps sensing that he had made a gaffe.

  'Whoa! Stop!' I tried again. 'Good dog, good boy. The game is over. Stop it now and sit.'

  For an indecisive moment, it seemed that he might obey.

  'THE SEMTEX!' A new voice bellowed above the fray. 'To me, The Semtex!'

  Amidst screams and shouts, the courtyard emptied rapidly.

  'Tex!' Lucy shrieked. 'Come here, Tex.'

  Tex shimmied uncertainly, looking from one to the other, then dashed to the far end of the courtyard. Only a few diehards followed him.

  'Sit!' Evangeline led them, still locked in a battle of wills with the dog.

  'Don't you dare give my dog orders, you rotten thief!' Lucy snarled.

  'Lu, take it easy, Lu.' Nova was behind her now, anxiously placating.

  'So you've found her out, too,' Dorsal said. 'They can't hide their true colours long. Thieves! They ought to be –'

  'Dorsal, Dorsal, man. Don't be going wild.' Brendan appeared at his friend's elbow. 'You've found The Semtex. Leave it at that.' He grappled with Dorsal suddenly, forcing him back against the wall, still making soothing noises.

  Tex was just bright enough to realize that he was in trouble. He backed into a corner, cringing lower to the ground.

  Evangeline made an imperious gesture and Terence and Nigel stepped forward quickly and lifted me off Tex's back and on to firm ground. Tex whined and licked my hand; was the party over so soon?

  'You ought to know better!' Lucy raged at me. 'You could have broken his back! What do you think he is, a horse?'

  'You could have fooled me,' I muttered, keeping a firm grip on both Terence and Nigel. Nigel patted my hand. Evangeline was right, we had been underestimating the dear boy.

  'Are you all right?' Evangeline looked at me anxiously. 'Is anything broken? Can you walk?'

  Hearing her voice at a calmer level, Tex decided to recognize her as another old pal. He heaved himself up to greet her, his forepaws descending on her shoulders with some force.

  'Down!' Evangeline was equal to the occasion; she reinforced her command with a brisk knee to his midriff. He dropped back to all fours with a startled yip.

  'You kicked him!' Lucy said. 'You kicked Tex!'

  'Nonsense!' Evangeline said. 'I merely reminded him of his manners.'

  'Manners!' Lucy gave a short incredulous laugh. 'Nova invited you into our flat and you stole my script right off my desk – and you talk about manners!'

  'Thieves!' Dorsal had broken free of Brendan. 'That's what they are! Your script and my dog. They ought to be –'

  'Oh, go hang yourself!' Evangeline's patience snapped. 'You and your phone calls and threats. You should talk!'

  'Now then,' Brendan said. 'Now then, let's not get excited. Why don't we go into the pub and have a drink?'

  'Because I don't drink with thieves!' Dorsal said.

  'That's right!' Lucy drew herself up. 'I want my script back and, after this, I wouldn't let you play the lead if you were the last actress in the world!'

  'Lu!' Nova was appalled. 'You wrote it for her! She was the only actress you visualized in the role all along.'

  'That was before she stole from me! Now I've changed my mind.'

  'You ought to get the law on her,' Dorsal said. 'That's burglary, that is. You ought to make her pay for it.'

  'Now then, now then.' Brendan tried again. 'Let's keep calm. Let's not blow this up out of all proportion. The lady will get her script back and you've got your dog back, so let's all go home and forget about it.'

  He took Tex by the collar and gave a tug. Tex didn't move.

  'I beg your pardon,' Lucy said, 'but that is my dog!'

  The devil you say!' Dorsal scowled at her. 'I'm surrounded by thieves – and now maniacs. 'Tis my dog, I've had from a pup.'

  'That's all very well.' Lucy stood her ground. 'But he's mine now!'

  'Be calm, Dorsal, be calm,' Brendan pleaded. 'We can work this out. We'll sit down over a pint and discuss –'

  'There's nothing to discuss!' Dorsal whirled and stalked away, barking over his shoulder, 'The Semtex, heel!'

  'Come here, Tex,' Lucy called sweetly.

  Tex lowered himself to the ground, sank his chin into a hollow between two cobblestones, closed his eyes and whined.

  'Will you look at that now?' Brendan exclaimed. He shook his head and moved closer to Evangeline and me. 'No good will come of this,' he brooded. 'No good at all.'

  'This is your last chance, you dirty ingrate!' Dorsal advanced on Tex threateningly. 'Come here at once!'

  'Come to me, Tex,' Lucy crooned. 'Come to your Lucy-Lu.'

  HERE, THE SEMTEX!'

  'Come to Lucy, darling Tex ...'

  Reluctantly, Tex inched forward on his belly, avoiding eye contact with Dorsal, until his head rested on Lucy's feet. He shuddered and closed his eyes again.

  'You see?' Lucy was triumphant. 'He's chosen me. He wants to be with me. He's my dog now!'

  I wanted to close my eyes, too. I can't stand bloodshed. I felt Evangeline's hand close on my arm as she pulled me into the shadows and we began backing towards the way out.

  'Tex is coming home with me,' Lucy said.

  'Oh, the black look on his face,' Brendan moaned. 'Oh, the killing fury of that look. There's death in the air tonight!'

  'Will ye stop keening like an old woman!' Dorsal turned on him, fists clenched.

  Nigel bumped into us as he backed away, too.

  'Be calm, Dorsal, calm,' Brendan said.

  'Please step aside.' Lucy was not going to hesitate to rub salt in a wound. 'We're ready to leave now.'

  'All right! All right!' Dorsal turned to her, his face thunderous. He hitched up his belt. 'All right, no one can say I'm not a reasonable man. So, do I move in with you? Or do you move in with me?'

  'Now wait just a minute,' Nova protested. 'Lucy lives with me!'

  'And what about our flat-share, Dorsal?' Brendan bleated.

  'All right!' Dorsal nodded decisively. 'We'll need a bigger place then.'

  We had reached the courtyard exit. We turned and ran.


  'Lucy will come round,' Evangeline said in the morning.

  'Don't be too sure.' I was only half listening; I had my own problem. 'Stealing the only copy of a script is pretty unforgivable.'

  'I'll guarantee it.' Evangeline glanced at her watch complacently. 'I've ordered flowers to be delivered to her at ten o'clock, champagne at noon, chocolates at three, a hamper of teatime goodies at five, more flowers at seven, and a bottle of brandy and Benedictine at nine. How does that sound?'

  'It's a start,' I said, but I had to admit that when Evangeline tried to make amends, she didn't do it by halves. And she was clever, not to say sneaky, about it. The spread of deliveries would ensure that Nova was present for some, if not all. And Nova was already on her side.

  'There's just one little glitch,' I pointed out. 'I didn't hear any mention of the script being delivered. Or are you wrapping one page around each of the presents?'

  'Ah, yes.' She took on that dreamy look I have learned to know and suspect. 'I thought that, if Lucy hasn't contacted us by tomorrow morning, you could ring Nova and invite them to lunch at the Ivy. Tell them we'll return the script then.'

  'Less of that we, please. You got yourself into this. It's your theft – and your role.'

  'Envy does not become you, Trixie. You must learn to rise above it. Besides, Lucy still has a great deal of work to do on the script. She can write in something for you. Perhaps a cameo appearance as the Princess of Wales coming backstage, so overwhelmed by my magnificent performance that she must congratulate me, even though she is aware that her husband and I – '

  'Evangeline,' I said. 'I was pushed.'

  'Don't apologize. I understand. We are all pushed, often to the limits of our endurance. It is part of the artistic –'

  'Off the balcony. Last night. Deliberately.'

  'What?' I had her attention now. 'Are you sure?'

  'I woke up in the night remembering ...' I had not gone back to sleep until dawn. 'It was a delayed reaction.'

  'You're sure it wasn't a false memory?' Evangeline seemed to consider that a soothing idea. 'With all those rowdy louts, pushing and shoving their way past us ...'

  'It wasn't an ordinary push. It was an up-and-over lift.'

  'And you've just seen fit to mention it?' Evangeline's disbelief was worthy of Superintendent Heyhoe.

  'I told you this was a delayed reaction. It happened so fast – and so much else kept happening – that I only registered it subconsciously. It came back to me and woke me up in the middle of the night.' I closed my eyes, then opened them quickly. It was going to take a long time before I lost that feeling of falling helplessly through the air, waiting to crash into the cobblestones.

  'Why should anyone push you like that?' Evangeline asked the question I had been asking myself all night. 'Who would want to kill you?'

  'Why would anybody want to kill me? I'm a fairly inoffensive person.' Unlike some I could mention. Evangeline had made a few new enemies recently, but Dorsal and Lucy had both been on the ground below when it happened. Hadn't they? And surely either one of them would have pushed Evangeline and not me.

  'You were being very silly and leaning way out over that railing,' Evangeline said severely. 'Perhaps someone just wanted to frighten you, to teach you a lesson, and it went too far.'

  'It sure did. No' – the scene replayed itself in my mind – 'no, it wasn't somebody just fooling around. Whoever did that wasn't fooling. If it hadn't been for Tex ...'

  'It probably wouldn't have killed you,' Evangeline decided briskly. 'It wasn't really all that far to fall.'

  'It wouldn't have done me any good.'

  The telephone rang and I glanced in its direction without enthusiasm.

  'That may be dear Lucy.' Evangeline hurried to answer. 'I knew she wouldn't stay angry long.'

  'The noontime champagne must just have been delivered.' It hadn't taken Lucy long to capitulate. I hoped Evangeline wouldn't decide she could cancel the rest of the deliveries.

  'Hello? Oh!' Her smile faded. 'Vic, how nice – Yes. Yes, she's fine. She's right here – Oh!' She held out the phone. 'He wants to talk to you.'

  'Hello, Vic.' I took it resignedly, not sure whether I wanted to talk to him. I was beginning to feel I'd had rather enough of Vic and his group of chummy gamblers.

  'You're all right? You promise me you're all right? You're not suffering any –' The anxious voice wavered and broke. 'Any after effects?'

  'Only a fresh collection of bruises.' I wasn't sure how many. I'd find out when I showered, but I was putting off the evil moment as long as I could.

  'I can't understand what happened. Did that mad Irishman get at you again? That's the second time! He's dangerous. He ought to be locked up before he can do any real damage.'

  'He should be all right now that he's got his dog back. Or, at least, knows where it is.' Any future threats should be aimed at Lucy now – and she struck me as a young woman who could take care of herself.

  'Are you coming to the Happy Larry tonight?' He changed the subject with evident relief. 'They're launching a revised version of Gather Ye Rosebuds. Lots of changes: they've added some new songs and sketches, and dropped some of the ones that didn't go over so well. It's a much stronger bet for a West End transfer now. And —' He hesitated delicately. 'And you never did see the second act, did you?'

  'Circumstances intervened,' I agreed drily. Suddenly, the picture of Sweetums's broken body flashed across my mind. Sweetums had gone flying through the air, too, but she hadn't been as lucky as me.

  'Then why don't you meet us there tonight? Bring the Sylvesters; I'm sure they'd like to see the rest of the show, too. Come early and let us stand you dinner.'

  'Not tonight.' I was adamant. 'You and your friends go ahead. We might catch up with the show later in the week.' When we could see it by ourselves and have a chance to talk to the writers with some privacy.

  'Any night you like,' he insisted cheerfully. 'Shall we say tomorrow? Day after tomorrow?'

  I had no intention of saying. I remained silent until he began to get the idea.

  'Well,' he said uneasily, 'just let us know the night and we'll make the arrangements.'

  'We may not be able to make it until next week,' I said. 'Or the week after. There's no hurry, is there?'

  'It might close,' he said worriedly. 'Greg says he's heard something about it moving to a suburban theatre while they polish it up and work on more changes.'

  'What do you mean, no hurry?' Evangeline demanded indignantly. 'We only have one more week to find a play before Cecile's show opens in Brighton.'

  I waved her to silence, although not without noticing that she no longer seemed so certain that Lucy would change her mind about Hamlet Swoons. It seemed we were both back in the market for a starring vehicle.

  Vic was still bleating on, trying to pin me down to a firm pledge that we would not move without him and his friends. I was finding his persistence increasingly irritating. Since when had we been going steady?

  'We'll let you know,' I said, crossing my fingers. 'We have far too many other commitments today to even think about it, so I'll say goodbye.' I hung up while he was still bleating.

  'Quite right,' Evangeline said. 'And the first thing we've got to do is get to a photocopying machine.'

  18

  'You did tell Lucy one o'clock, didn't you?' Evangeline smiled abstractedly at someone who had waved at her from a nearby table. We were seated at a discreet corner table, the better to discuss business with our guests.

  'I told Nova. Lucy wasn't answering the phone.'

  'Then where are they?' Evangeline hadn't stopped watching the door since we'd arrived. 'It's half past one.' And, since we had arrived early, we were on our second sherry; the sherries we had ordered for Lucy and Nova waited at the place settings.

  'Maybe their car broke down. Or they ran out of petrol.' Or maybe they'd changed their minds, but I'd hold back that explanation for another half an hour. If they hadn't shown by then, Evangeline might
be better able to accept it.

  'Why don't we go ahead and order the first course?' I had nibbled everything in sight except the flowers. 'I'm starving. I don't think they'd mind.' I didn't think they'd even notice. If they came. I remembered the curious note in Nova's voice and the reluctance with which she'd agreed that Lucy would love to lunch at the Ivy. Ordinarily.

  'We'll give them ten more minutes.' Evangeline toyed with the slim sheaf of pages she had placed beside her plate. If she kept on, they'd be dog-eared. Thank heavens there was no way to tell they'd been photocopied.

  Most of the other diners were making their selections from the sweet trolley before Nova finally appeared in the entrance. She had made an effort, I'll say that for her. She wasn't wearing the baseball cap and her wraparound skirt might have needed ironing, but it was a gesture in the right direction, as was the slightly too-tight ruffled blouse in a style I hadn't seen for years.

  'But where's Lucy?' Evangeline looked beyond Nova, but there was no one else in sight.

  'My dear, how nice to see you.' Her smile was strained as she greeted Nova. 'And how ... nice you look.'

  'Lucy isn't coming.' Nova wasted no time on the preliminaries. 'She's still furious. I just wanted to let you know. I'll go now. I know she's the one you really want to see.'

  'Not so fast.' I caught her wrist and pulled her back. 'Sit down. We invited you both to lunch. I'm afraid we did order our appetizers, but have your sherry and look at the menu.'

  'You mean it? Thanks.' She sat down, rocking the table as she knocked against it, and caught up the glass of sherry as though it were a lifeline. 'I'm sorry to be so late. I've been arguing with Lu, but I just can't budge her. She gets awfully stubborn when she's mad.'

  She took a deep quaff from the glass and I surreptitiously nudged the untouched glass intended for Lucy nearer to her. She looked as though she needed it.

  The waiter responded instantly to our desperate signals and Evangeline relaxed slightly as Nova ordered from the set lunch.

  'I'm sorry Lucy is so upset.' It was as close to an apology as Evangeline was likely to get. 'Tell me, my dear, what can I do to make amends?'

  'I ... I don't know. She's worse than usual.' The way Nova was avoiding all eye contact was making me uneasy. 'I've never seen her like this before.'