Without a Compass

by Helen Juliet

  Of course it was weird. Riley had imagined kissing Kai a thousand different ways, and not one of them had involved a dare or his older brother or former bullies watching on. But if Kai was asking if he was going to make things weird between them now…

  “No, not weird,” he told him.

  Kai gave his hand a squeeze then let him go. They turned back to watch Charlotte get the algebra wrong and have to drink anyway.

  Maybe tomorrow it wouldn’t seem weird. If Riley gave it some distance, maybe he could look back and remember how, even just for a second, absolutely wonderful it had felt to kiss Kai Brandt.

  17

  Kai

  Kai knew he was drunk. But he wasn’t off his face. He knew what he was doing.

  And what he’d done was kiss a guy.

  No, he’d kissed Riley. It wasn’t like it was a real kiss; it had been a dare. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that this had felt like a real kiss.

  He’d wanted to kiss Riley.

  He’d kissed so many girls over the years he’d lost count. Kissing was great, it didn’t have to mean anything. He’d just wanted to help Riley out when the twins were trying to get a rise out of him.

  Yet, it had been a good twenty minutes and he couldn’t stop licking his lips, chasing the sensation Riley had left behind.

  His mouth had been supple but firm. Kai hated weak kissers; he liked someone who would claim his mouth and leave a memorable impression. When he’d first seen Riley’s new beard he’d had the thought that it didn’t look scratchy; that was now something he could attest to. It had been soft under his hand and against his jaw and lips, and so very masculine.

  There was no getting away from the fact that, to paraphrase the song, he’d kissed a boy and he’d liked it.

  Did this mean he was gay? No, he definitely still liked girls. Girls were gorgeous and hot and curvy and he definitely wasn’t going off girls. But, maybe there was room to like guys too?

  He shook his head. He was drunk. He was probably just thinking with his dick after a good snog. He didn’t need to re-evaluate his whole outlook on life. Surely, he could just enjoy the moment.

  What really mattered was that Riley was okay. He’d made a promise earlier that day to do his best to help him out this holiday and it was becoming increasingly clear that that involved keeping him away from the Grinters.

  It had been enough time since the kiss now that they could probably leave without it being suspicious. He didn’t want anyone thinking Riley was upset. But Kai wanted to get him away so he could check for himself anyway.

  Charlotte had lost her taste for Truth or Dare after the first round and they’d been singing along with Slady and her guitar since. Riley looked like he might be starting to doze where he sat, so Kai gave him a gentle nudge with his elbow.

  Sure enough, Riley blinked a few times before he focused on Kai. He’d been driving all day as well, he remembered. He was probably shattered.

  “Shall we head back?” Kai suggested.

  Riley blinked again, then nodded. “Need my blankets,” he said, looking around.

  It seemed important to him that he collect up all the ones that his family had brought over. He was okay leaving Brendon and Slady with a couple, but the rest Kai helped him lug back, along with any cushions and throw pillows. They woke a sleepy Bia up and encouraged her to walk beside them. She peed several times as she waddled dozily along beside them.

  “I’m sorry if those guys made you feel uncomfortable,” he ventured. They were walking side by side and he looked across to gauge Riley’s expression. But he was just staring at the ground, watching his step as they picked their way over the uneven grass. “Do you mind?”

  “Huh?” Riley looked up and frowned.

  Kai licked his lips, feeling uncomfortable. “The kiss? That was a shitty dare.”

  “Oh,” said Riley. He gave a small chuckle. “Yeah, but it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Kai wasn’t convinced. Riley’s tone was dismissive, but he didn’t want to leave it at that.

  “As long as things are cool between us,” he prompted, just to be sure.

  Riley bumped his shoulder against his arm. “Of course,” he told him. “Forget about it.” His smile seemed genuine, so Kai felt happier to let the matter drop.

  Phil and Bev had done a great job of tidying up after their barbeque dinner, so when they arrived back in the Andersons’ area Kai just focused on getting Riley’s stuff back into his tent and Bia settled in her basket under his tent’s canvas porch. Anything he didn’t want getting damp with dew in the early morning got shoved inside by his blow-up mattress. Riley seemed half asleep still, fumbling and doing things at half speed.

  “Why don’t you just get into bed,” Kai said, steering him to his tent. “Everything else can wait.”

  Riley shook his head though. “Need to brush my teeth,” he said. “Wash my face. Otherwise crusty eyes.” He fished his wash kit out from the tent’s interior and looked around.

  “That way,” said Kai fondly, pushing him toward the shower block.

  “You coming?” Riley asked. He looked up at him, his eyes wide and owlish.

  Kai shook his head. “I’m kind of buzzed,” he said truthfully. “I’m going to sit on your awesome patio set and have another beer. I’ll be here when you get back.” It wasn’t far to walk and the moon was bright. Riley eyed up the space from here to there, nodded, then got going.

  Kai chuckled to himself and got comfy, looking up at the stars. There was no light pollution thanks to the nearest big towns being miles and miles away, so he was able to marvel at all the constellations strewn across the sky above. He couldn’t name a single one of them; the only one he knew was the Big Dipper, but that didn’t seem to be about.

  He hoped things would be alright between him and Riley in the morning; he didn’t really see why they wouldn’t. There were plenty of his friends that had had sex with each other, himself included, and they were all still fine with each other years on.

  Maybe that was it. He wasn’t entirely sure if the two of them were even friends yet. They’d known each other forever, but today was undoubtedly the most time they’d ever spent together. It would be a shame if that got spoilt thanks to one little kiss.

  A rustling behind him signalled Riley’s return, so Kai turned to greet him. “Everything okay?”

  Riley nodded. He seemed a bit more sober now. “I think I’m just going to, you know. Head to bed.”

  Kai stood. “Sure,” he said. “I’ll catch you in the morning, yeah?”

  He turned to walk back over to his tent.

  “Um.”

  He glanced over his shoulder. Riley was hugging himself, his wash bag dangling from his fingers. There was something vulnerable about the way he stood in his oversized hoodie and shorts. Kai could see him as a teenager again, just for a second.

  “Thank you,” he said. “For today. It was fun.”

  Kai grinned. “It was,” he agreed.

  He hummed Blink-182 all the way back to his tent, smiling to himself as he heard Riley zip his entrance closed.

  It had been fun, he thought as he finished off his beer and set the bottle by the outside corner of his tent. Unexpected, but definitely fun. Kai grinned as he stumbled a little over his own feet as he pulled his clothes off. The tent was almost tall enough that he could stand in it, but raising his arms above his head meant he bashed the top and he chuckled to himself at his own cumbersomeness. As he got down to his briefs he zipped the front all the way closed for privacy and dropped onto his bed.

  He felt all tingly as he snuggled against the pillows. His skin was hot and tight, and he trailed his fingertips down his chest as he smirked in the darkness to himself with devilment. He was drunk and surprisingly horny and there was really only one thing he wanted to do about that.

  He wriggled and kicked off his underwear, relishing the feel of the silky sleeping bag against his naked flesh. His cock was already perking up as he took his time trailing his h
ands down his belly and up his thighs, biting his lip in anticipation. He kept one hand moving around his crotch, teasing, while the other rubbed and pulled at his nipples, getting them hard.

  He wasn’t ever particularly imaginative when he got himself off. His fall back was just a pretty, busty girl going down on him. After all, who didn’t enjoy a good blow job?

  He gave in and cupped his heavy balls with one hand and started brushing his shaft with the other. He grunted in pleasure, sparks flying over his skin. His first few strokes were rough and dry, but after he teased the head for a while, encouraging the foreskin back, he began leaking pre-cum which meant more lubrication.

  He turned his face into the pillow, panting, not wanting to deny himself much longer. His orgasm was building and he chased it eagerly, rolling his balls in his fingers then stroking his perineum.

  He didn’t normally touch himself more than that, but he found himself letting his fingers drift further between his legs, probing the puckered flesh around his entrance.

  Was this what Riley would do?

  He gasped, the kiss still fresh on his lips as the image of Riley hovering above him crept into his mind and refused to leave. Riley would know how to finger him properly, maybe while he sucked his cock. Fuck, Kai was breathing heavily now, his eyes screwed shut as his fist jerked frantically over his cock. He kept his other hand rubbing his anus, pushing in just slightly with his middle finger.

  He pictured Riley smiling like he did when he relaxed. Like he was really enjoying himself with Kai, kissing and fucking and-

  He came all over his fist, spitting hot mess along his belly as he gasped for air like he’d sprinted the hundred meters.

  It took a minute for Kai to catch his breath and come down from his orgasm high. What the hell had just happened? He scrambled to find some toilet roll from his bag and hastily mop himself up. Jesus, he’d come like a fucking train.

  Guilt crept up on him as he balled the tissue up and chucked it into the corner of his tent. That kiss had been to support Riley, not to fuel his spank bank. He was straight, he didn’t wank off to guys. Especially ones he’d promised himself he’d look after; that just felt wrong. Poor Riley deserved better than that.

  He rubbed his eyes with his fingers, smelling his own sex and sweat. It was just a fantasy, no one needed to find out. It wasn’t like Brendon would look at him and know that he’d jerked off thinking about his brother. And anyway, he justified further. Riley was more than old enough now, he hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d never even kissed his mate Holly and he’d had his fair share of inappropriate thoughts about her. It was fine.

  He huffed and yanked his briefs back on. He’d learnt that it was best not to sleep starkers while out camping, in case there was an emergency and someone burst in on you. Despite cleaning himself he still felt sticky and a little bit wrong. At the same time though, his orgasm had made him sleepy and his body was heavy with satisfaction.

  He decided he could wrestle with his conscience in the morning. For now, he zipped up his sleeping bag against the night cold and turned on his side.

  Alcohol was still thrumming through his system as he closed his eyes and relaxed. So as he drifted closer to unconsciousness, he couldn’t quite help the fact that Riley slipped into his thoughts again, his lips pressing against Kai’s tentatively, then with more courage.

  And this time, in the privacy of Kai’s imagination, there was no one around to watch them.

  18

  Riley

  There was nothing better than an early morning run to clear his head, Riley found. After taking some painkillers and glugging an entire bottle of water, he felt able to shake off his hangover enough to head out.

  There was a pleasant nip in the dawn air that was a relief after the previous day’s humidity. Riley didn’t think it would last once the sun properly rose. But it was enough to encourage him to pull on his running trainers while everyone else was still asleep.

  They were so old they were disintegrating and the insides stank alarmingly. But after however many hundreds of runs, they felt like a second skin moulding perfectly around his feet. Riley wanted to put off buying new ones until they literally fell apart. Which was a good thing because after having to fork out for new hiking boots he wasn’t going to be able to afford trainers as well for ages.

  He waited while Bia did her morning business on the grass. Then he cleared it up, then left her snoozing in the porch way of his tent. If anyone woke before he returned, he hoped they would put two and two together and realise he wouldn’t be long.

  “Bye, Baby Bee.”

  He stroked her head and she flicked her ears at him without bothering to look up. There was a time where she would have loved to come join him for a jog. Now she was more than happy enough to snuggle back down to sleep.

  “Hold the fort until I get back?” he joked, giving her one last rub.

  He took the path back to the tiny village and along the road he’d used to drive to the campsite. It wasn’t worth risking twisting an ankle on the grass, and the tarmac felt good under his feet. He was also keen to avoid getting lost, so was happy to run a simple route then just retrace his steps back.

  Riley loved early mornings, especially in the summer. There was something magical about heading out when most of the world was still slumbering. Other people might find it isolating, but he found the peace calming.

  Being farming country, he did pass a fair number of people already up and starting their days. “Morning,” he puffed to anyone he crossed paths with. He was pleased to be rewarded by a greeting in return or a nod of the head. In London, runners didn’t speak to one another. One, because there were so many you’d drive yourself nuts saying hello to every one of them. And two, because Londoners avoided interacting with strangers at all possible cost.

  Riley chuckled to himself. He loved living in the city, but there were very strict, unspoken rules about when you could try and make friends. On the tube in the mornings was a particular no-no. Bars were fine, but just as long as you had other mates you could fall back on. Going alone was definitely not cool.

  Although Riley knew these social codes, it hadn’t helped him all that much. Not for any lasting friendships that was for sure. The kind of guys he hooked up with hardly ever wanted to stay the night, let alone hang around for a cup of tea in the morning. He should maybe think of a different tactic if he wanted actual mates.

  He glanced at his watch. Another few minutes then he should probably turn back. He was only just getting into his stride, but he’d already had to take a couple of turns. Any more than that and he’d definitely lead himself astray.

  In the end, he managed to run for about thirty minutes. It was enough to wake his body up but not so much that his muscles would be protesting later that day. He was pretty sure his mum had said something about a hike. He didn't want to be the one to flake out because he’d pushed himself too hard beforehand.

  As he made his way back towards his family’s cluster of tents the sun was still low and hazy on the horizon. He inhaled deeply, arching his back with his hands on his hips, and took in the fresh air. For all he was still dubious about how enjoyable his stay here was going to be, he had to admit the air quality was a vast improvement on what he was used to.

  Running had helped him put off thinking about last night. But now as he headed back to grab what he needed for a shower from his tent, his mind threatened to wander back over the various events. “Hey Bia,” he said, hoping to put off the inevitable a bit longer. He manoeuvred around her to pick up his wash kit, towel and fresh clothes. She wagged her tail a couple of times, but otherwise didn’t move, not even to open her eyes.

  To be a dog, he thought as he traipsed over the grass. He couldn’t see that anyone else was awake as he let himself into the shower block. It was still gloomy despite the increasingly strong sunshine. There were only a couple of small rectangular windows near the top of the wall opposite the showers. It was still enough to see by.

>   He sighed as he swapped his trainers for plastic flip-flops and got the water running in the last cubicle along. He’d been told that the water wasn’t a bad temperature once it got going. So long as someone didn’t flush one of the toilets in the block directly behind this one. At this time of the morning, he figured he’d be fine.

  He peeled off his running shirt and shorts. It seemed he could no longer stop his thoughts from heading in their unavoidable direction.

  Kai.

  What an evening. What the hell had even happened, really?

  There were good parts, very good parts. He got warm and tingly whenever he thought about Name in the Bowl. He’d always had the right sort of intuition to excel at that game. The fact that he and Kai had teamed up so successfully was immensely satisfying.

  Truth or Dare was more complicated to mull over. The humiliation had been hard to bear. Even now he felt flushed with shame picturing how Daryl had looked at him. He’d sworn to himself he’d never let him scrutinise him like that again. But after all those promises it had happened anyway, and Riley hadn’t done a damn thing to stop it.

  Daryl didn’t even have to say anything. Just acknowledging Riley’s existence was enough to make him want to crumble apart. Why couldn’t he just shake him off? He didn’t have any right to make Riley feel small, and yet he seemed incapable to stop him.

  Kai wasn’t though. He’d done his best to defuse the situation, which had led to…

  That kiss.

  Riley shuddered just thinking about it. He hung his towel up and tested the water with his open hand. The kiss had hardly lasted two seconds and yet it had been electrifying. Riley’s whole body had zinged with it and did so again just remembering it.

  His flip-flops slapped noisily on the tiled floor as he angled himself under the stream of hot water and got to scrubbing. The water was pretty good, he had to admit. The showers themselves were as clean as a public space in a field could be, he supposed. But they still weren’t what you’d call ‘nice’. He was eager to get through the process as quickly as possible.