Without a Compass

by Helen Juliet

  “Dad!” Riley cried, mortified. His dad didn’t look too comfortable either.

  His mum sighed. “Really Phil.”

  “I’m twenty-one!”

  “Oh, you mean sex,” said Jake, pleased with himself. Riley buried his head in his hands. “We learnt about that at school, about condoms and STIs.”

  “YES,” said Riley forcefully. “We’re being safe. Now let’s never, ever talk about this again.”

  His mum chuckled and rubbed his knee. “So, does he know you’ve told us? I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

  Riley looked at her appreciatively. “Yeah, I think so. He probably guessed I was going to talk to Jake. Are you sure you’re alright with it?”

  “I think it’s great,” said Jake immediately.

  “Like I said,” his mum told him, her hand still a reassuring presence on his knee. “As long as you’re happy. We obviously like Kai very much, and if you like each other, that’s wonderful.”

  Riley felt there were some unspoken words hanging in the air about what might happen if they broke up. Not that they were even officially together yet. But you couldn’t go into a relationship thinking about that, otherwise no one would get together, surely? He just had to trust how much he liked Kai, and that he seemed to like him back. Enough to come after him following that ridiculous tantrum he’d thrown that morning anyway. Yes, there was a family history between them, but they would just have to take each day as it came and hope for the best. That was what most couples did, he imagined.

  “I do like him,” he said out loud, giving his parents a wobbly smile.

  His dad cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, shifting in his seat. “I guess we’re used to having him about all the time anyway. It won’t be much different if he’s around seeing you instead of Brendon.”

  “As well as Brendon,” said Riley firmly. He wasn’t about to take his brother’s best friend off him. Although, he did allow himself a small smirk. “I just might claim first dibs on him now.”

  Speaking of which, he wasn’t sure if it was a good sign or not that still no one had emerged from Kai’s tent. He and Brendon been talking for a fair old while. But so had Riley and the rest of his family. Fingers crossed everything was okay.

  What was the worst that could happen?”

  35

  Kai

  Kai and Brendon took up most of the room in the tent just by standing in it.

  It had always been a bond between them. They were both tall lads that then discovered the gym and took pride in bulking themselves up. People tended to take a second look when they went anywhere together.

  Brendon’s long hair and comparable lack of body art made him less intimidating than Kai, especially when he was with Slady who always had smiles for everybody. But the two guys together made a fairly impressive sight. Kai had never felt more aware of how much space they took up before as they turned to face each other under the low roof of the canvas.

  “Cheers for looking after Riley,” Brendon said easily as he let Kai’s bag fall from his hand onto the floor. It was much lighter now that Kai and Riley had drunk almost all the water they had brought with them yesterday morning. That being said, Kai’s mouth was suddenly dry and tacky.

  “Uh, yeah,” he said. He nodded and placed his hands on his hips. He was aware he was mimicking one of Riley’s signature gestures, but it gave him a bit of courage in a strange way, like he was there with him.

  Brendon shook his head and flopped onto Kai’s bedroll. With all the blankets piled on top, it looked luxurious compared to where he and Riley had spent the previous night. Brendon stretched out, leaning on his elbows.

  “So did his boots just cut his feet to ribbons?”

  Kai rubbed his forehead. He didn’t really want to talk about footwear. “Uh, yeah,” he said again. “He tried to tough it out, made it worse.” He shrugged, trying not to smile. As stupid as that had been, Kai couldn’t help but be a tiny bit proud of Riley’s resilience.

  “What?”

  Kai blinked. “What?”

  “What’s that look for?” Brendon grinned. “Oh God, what dorky thing did he do? Go on, you can tell me.”

  Kai broke out in a cold sweat. He tried to remember if they’d ever talked about Riley before between the two of them. In the past, he wouldn’t have been so hyper-aware of every single little thing mentioned about him, but now wasn’t sure what to say.

  ‘We spilled some of our darkest secrets to each other, snuggled up and watched movies, then made love, twice.’

  Probably not.

  Riley and Brendon may not have ever had much in common, and Brendon had sometimes given him too much of a hard time when they were teenagers, Kai was sure. But the second anyone else tried to make fun of his brothers, Brendon got ugly. There was no other word for it. As much as he liked to josh around, the guy had no sense of humour if people got funny about his family.

  Someone from school – some idiot Kai couldn’t even recall the name of now – had once had the gall to suggest that Brendon was the only ‘normal’ Anderson brother compared to Riley and Jake. He had meant it as a compliment, trying to impress Brendon. Kai had had to perform some pretty spectacular social gymnastics to get the bystanders to convince the faculty that the guy had run his own face into that brick wall.

  One of Brendon’s most admirable qualities was his fierce loyalty and protectiveness. And here Kai was about to tell him that he fully intended to date his little brother. Oh, and shag him six ways from Sunday every chance he got. But Brendon never need know that.

  Who was he kidding though? He and Kai talked about sex all the time. Not so much about Slady – that was Kai’s biggest indicator that Brendon was really serious about her. But Jesus, Kai had spilled his guts about almost every sexual conquest he’d ever made over the past decade. He was into some kinky shit – nothing crazy – but he was quite proud of not being vanilla, and not in the traditional way. He didn’t mind getting bossed around in the bedroom.

  There was no way Brendon wasn’t going to put two and two together and not figure out some of the stuff Kai and Riley were likely to be getting up to in the future – the very near future if Kai had his way.

  Was Kai about to end up with his face smashed through the nearest solid structure?

  “Fucking hell mate,” Brendon’s chuckling voice cut through his thoughts. Kai blinked and realised Brendon was waving a hand at him. “Was it that bad?”

  “What?” Kai asked, having completely lost track of the conversation.

  “Being stuck up a mountainside with my brother all night.” Brendon ran his fingers across his mouth, his mirth barely contained. “Did he snore? Or say your name in his sleep?”

  “Uh, no, it was fine.”

  Kai started pacing the small space inside his tent, one hand on his hip, the other rubbing just above his eyebrows.

  “Shit,” cackled Brendon. He really wasn’t helping things. He pointed at him and rocked backwards. “Dude, it can’t have been that bad! He’s pretty awesome once he opens up. It’s your fault if you didn’t get him talking. Be more interesting next time.”

  “No, no, we talked,” Kai said, licking his lips.

  “And it’s not cool if you’re going to judge him about being shit at camping – it was a miracle he came here at all and then he had to go and rough it in the middle of nowhere.”

  “Bren,” Kai said patiently, pinching the bridge of his nose. He stopped walking and tried to cobble together the right words. “There wasn’t a problem, we got on really well.”

  “Then why are you acting like a pod-person?” Brendon sat up. “No, scratch that, bad analogy. I was going for a Body Snatchers thing, but you’re not all placid, you’re pissed off or something. What did Riley do?”

  “Why do you keep asking that?” Kai snapped.

  Brendon frowned at him. “Because normally you’re so zen, and right now you look like you’re going to snap like a Kit-Kat bar.” He frowned. “Do you need to sleep
? I can fuck off if you need me to.”

  “No, look,” said Kai. “I mean yeah, I barely got any sleep and we’d been walking all day and then your dog disappeared—”

  “What?” Brendon cried, suddenly very alert. “What do you mean? Where is she?”

  “Dude,” said Kai in exasperation. “Bia’s fine, you saw her. She just wandered off during the night. Listen, I have something I need to tell—”

  “She’s getting old, you know?” said Brendon, not listening. “Her hearing isn’t what it used to be, and Riley should never have taken her on such a long walk. Did she have enough water?”

  “Yes. And food,” said Kai through gritted teeth. “Bee wasn’t the issue. I—”

  “So Riley was an issue,” said Brendon. He shook his head. “I told my dad he should have paired him with Slady so us two could go together.”

  “No, I’m glad me and him went together,” Kai said vehemently. “There’s no issue, at least, there wasn’t.”

  “Look, whatever it is,” said Brendon, pointing his finger and nodding. “We can fix it, okay? I don’t want anything to be weird. I think—”

  “Bren.”

  “No, look, it’s fine,” said Brendon. “You survived, right? Made it back? If you just—”

  “Bren.”

  “I don’t want anyone to be awkward!” Brendon cried in exasperation. “We’re here for a week and it’s pretty close quarters. So whatever it is, just spit it out and—”

  “RileyandIhadsexandIreallylikehim.”

  Brendon froze.

  The moment stretched on. Kai wondered if being struck by a bolt of lightning was out of the question.

  “I’m sorry,” said Brendon slowly. “But…what was that?”

  “I really like Riley,” Kai repeated.

  “No,” said Brendon, getting to his feet. It took all of Kai’s will power not to step backwards. “The first part.”

  “Look, it’s not what you think-”

  “That you had sex with my little brother?”

  Kai blanched. “Uh, okay yes, it’s exactly what you think.”

  “Dude!” Brendon hissed, his hands in his hair. “What were you thinking?”

  “Look, we used protection, and—”

  “Dear Lord, I do not need any visuals!” Brendon cried, covering his eyes. “Man, you can’t mess around with him!” He dropped his hands and balled his fists. “That’s seriously not cool!”

  Kai’s insides turned to ice. “We weren’t messing around,” he tried to explain.

  But Brendon was shaking his head. “You’re not gay, he is! You can’t just…use my little brother, man! Is this about that shitty kiss dare?”

  “No!” Kai cried. “Well, I mean, I guess it sparked something, maybe?”

  “I knew I should have fucking stopped that, it’s not funny, Kai.”

  Fuck, he was furious. Kai held up his hands, tapping into his own anger that Brendon would even think he’d do that to either of them. “Bren, just listen. I mean it, I really like him. I may not be gay but I’m not straight. Can you just calm down and listen to what I’m saying?”

  Brendon breathed heavily in and out of his nose, considering Kai’s words. “You like him?”

  “Yeah,” said Kai earnestly. “I know it’s a shock, but…okay, can we forget about the gay thing a second. If he was your sister, do you think I’d mess around with her then dump her like nothing happened? Or—” He licked his lips and hoped he was making sense. “Do you think I’d consider very carefully how much I wanted to be with her before even attempting to make a move?”

  Brendon was still for a moment, presumably thinking, then gave his whole body a shake. “Right. Okay, right.” He clicked his finger and bent his head from side to side, cracking his neck. Kai wondered for a brief second if he was preparing to swing for a punch.

  But of course he wasn’t. He began cracking his knuckles and rolling his wrists, dispelling his energy.

  “So what are you saying?”

  Kai took a steadying breath in. “Riley and I…connected last night.” And this morning. “He’s a great guy, he makes me really happy and like, makes me laugh and stuff. I know the fact he’s your brother is pretty whack, and I haven’t dated any guys before, but I just like him for him. And, um—” He wrung his hands. “We’d like to keep seeing each other. But only if you’re cool with it.”

  Brendon blinked. “Uh, are you asking my permission?”

  Kai shrugged. “I guess, sort of? Maybe your blessing. I’ve already asked if he wants to keep meeting up again back home.”

  Brendon rubbed his eyes, rocking on his feet like he wasn’t sure which direction to move in. “You’re serious about this, then? You…want to date a guy?”

  “Is that a problem?” Kai asked tentatively. He quashed his hurt, giving Brendon a chance to answer.

  “No,” he said thoughtfully. “No, not really. It’s just unexpected. I—” He grimaced. “Look, are you sure you want to try this with Riley first? Couldn’t you dick around with some other bloke first, see if it’s really for you?”

  He crossed his arms and flicked his eyes back and forth, clearly uncomfortable. Kai’s heart softened a bit. He had every right to be suspicious of Kai’s intentions. He’d never treated any girl badly, he was certain, but there had been a fair few over the years, and some of them had been much more focused on the sex than the relationship.

  It wasn’t like that with Riley. “This isn’t some experiment,” he said, using the offending word from his and Riley’s conversation earlier. “And yeah, the sex was amazing—”

  “LA LA LA!” Brendon yelped, slapping his hands over his ears.

  “Sorry, sorry.” Kai waved his hands apologetically. “It’s not about that, I swear. I just want to hang out with him and take him nice places and chat about stupid stuff. Normal couple things, you know. I’m not interested in anyone else.”

  For a few moments, they were just quiet as Brendon mulled his words over. They both kept their eyes on the floor and fidgeted. Finally, Brendon exhaled loudly.

  “Wow. This is weird.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, bro.”

  Brendon shook his head. “No, no. It’s cool. Really,” he added at Kai’s raised eyebrow. “I mean, I won’t deny it might take a bit of getting used to, but there’s not really an issue, is there? You’re both awesome people. And if you make each other happy, then, that’s great.”

  Kai felt like a huge weight lifted from his chest. “You sure?”

  Brendon gave half a shrug, then hauled Kai by his shoulder into a hug. “Just, um, treat him right, yeah?”

  Kai smiled and patted his back. “Of course,” he said with as much sincerity as he could possibly muster.

  “I’ll tell him the same thing,” Brendon added with a chuckle. “You’re both my boys, you have to look after each other if you’re serious about trying this out.”

  Kai laughed too and pulled away. “Thanks, man,” he said.

  Brendon cleared his throat and ruffled his long hair. “Right, this had been quite awkward enough. Shall we venture back outside?”

  Kai could hear the murmur of voices, and he sighed. “Yeah. I better have this talk with your parents too, get it over with.”

  “Oh, dude, for real?” Brendon laughed. “You’re a sucker for punishment.”

  Kai shook his head as he turned towards the tent flap. “I just want to do this right.”

  Brendon paused and touched his arm. “You really are serious about him, aren’t you?” Kai nodded, and he sighed. “Then you’ve got my blessing.”

  “Thanks,” said Kai with a bashful smile.

  “Just—” Brendon held up a single finger. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve both taken a vow of celibacy from now on. Okay?”

  Kai dropped his head back and laughed. “Deal,” he promised.

  36

  Riley

  It was typical that the moment the flap on Kai’s tent twitched was the same moment that Camer
on Grinter poked his head out of his motor home. “They’re back!” he bellowed across the stretch of grass.

  Riley’s dad turned and waved back. “Shall we do results?” he replied between cupped hands. Cameron gave him a thumbs-up and beckoned for his wife to follow him outside.

  The shouting drew the attention of the Sidcups and Patils as well. Before he knew it, they were all congregating just outside of the Andersons’ tents, pulling out their sheets of paper from the scavenger hunt and any bit and bobs they’d picked up as part of their answers.

  Riley looked anxiously as Kai and Brendon walked over to meet them. They looked happy enough, but Riley didn’t dare ask how it had gone in front of the other families.

  Brendon, however, made a point of coming up to him and leaning to whisper in his ear, hand on his lower back. “It’s cool, bro,” he said affectionately.

  Riley raised his eyebrows at him. “Really?”

  Brendon nodded, then stepped away so Kai could take his place. Riley shifted his quizzical gaze to him, but Kai’s warm smile allayed some of his fears. “He’s okay,” he said, touching Riley’s elbow for just a second.

  He wanted to punch the air, or at least tell Kai that his parents and Jake were supportive too after their chat. But he felt like everyone was watching them, even though they probably weren’t. So he just smiled back, trying to convey his relief.

  “Did you wait for us?” Kai asked as the group formed a cluster around Riley’s dad, perched once again on another uneven looking rock. He had a fresh copy of the scavenger hunt challenges on a clipboard and a pen already in his hands.

  “Oh of course,” he said. “It was only fair.”

  He gave Kai a slightly too enthusiastic smile, and Riley tugged his hand, getting his attention before it got awkward.

  “We talked,” he murmured with a nod at his dad, who waved back. Riley blushed, but at least his dad was trying to be supportive.

  “Yeah?” Kai asked. A smile broke out on his face. “And…it’s okay?”

  “Great,” said Riley. He meant it. “One hundred per cent good.”

  Kai looked between Riley’s parents and Jake. They all managed not to do anything too obvious, but between the nods and smiles and thumbs-ups, they all communicated that although this was a surprise, they were happy for the two of them.