But Enough About You: Essays
Page 44
It ends on a high-comic note: “There is one thing you all will be able to say when you go home. You may all thank God for it. Thank God that at least thirty years from now, when you are sitting around the fireside with your brat on your knee, and he asks you what you did in the great World War Two, you won’t have to say that you shoveled s— in Louisiana.”
Contrast that with the pep-talk scene in the war movie A Bridge Too Far. Allied troops are about to embark on the ill-fated Operation Market Garden mission in Holland. Lieutenant General Brian Horrocks of the British Army, played by the excellent Edward Fox, tells them, “Gentleman, this is a tale you will tell your grandchildren—and mightily bored they’ll be!”
On the eve of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the forty-two-year-old commander of the First Battalion of the Royal Irish Regiment gave a remarkable talk to his men. It’s worth quoting nearly in entirety:
The enemy should be in no doubt that we are his nemesis and that we are bringing about his rightful destruction. There are many regional commanders who have stains on their souls and they are stoking the fires of hell for Saddam. He and his forces will be destroyed by this coalition for what they have done. As they die they will know that their deeds have brought them to this place. Show them no pity.
There are some who are alive at this moment who will not be alive shortly. It is my foremost intention to bring every single one of you out alive, but there may be some among us who will not see the end of this campaign. We will put them in their sleeping bags and send them back. There will be no time for sorrow.
Those who do not wish to go on that journey, we will not send. As for the others, I expect you to rock their world. Wipe them out if that is what they choose. But if you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous in victory. It is a big step to take another human life. It is not to be done lightly.
I know of men who have taken life needlessly in other conflicts. I can assure you they live with the mark of Cain upon them. If someone surrenders to you, then remember they have that right in international law and ensure that one day they can go home to their family. The ones who wish to fight, well, we aim to please.
If you harm the regiment or its history by overenthusiasm in killing or in cowardice, know it is your family who will suffer. . . .
We go to liberate, not to conquer. We will not fly our flags in their country. . . . Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the birthplace of Abraham. Tread lightly there. . . .
You will see things that no man could pay to see . . .
Lieutenant Colonel Tim Collins is from Belfast. The Irish, North and South, are known for their gift with the spoken word. His speech to his troops became a sensation—which ended up being ironic, as he was subsequently accused of pistol-whipping an Iraqi civil leader and shooting at the feet of civilians. He was cleared by the Ministry of Defence, but his battalion is being investigated for other incidents. The colonel, whose nickname is “Nails,” is on his way to Pattonization.
Perhaps the most inspiring speech in history was given by a soldier. They are the few short words spoken two and a half millennia ago in a tent by the mountain pass of Thermopylae, in Greece.
The entire Persian army was about to come through the pass, defended, as you well know, by a small unit of Spartans. Herodotus tells the story:
. . . one man is said to have distinguished himself above all the rest, Dieneces the Spartan. A speech which he made before the Greeks engaged the Medes [Persians] remains on record. One of the Trachinians told him, “Such was the number of barbarians, that when they shot forth their arrows the sun would be darkened by their multitude.” Dieneces, not at all frightened at these words, but making light of the Median numbers, answered, “Our Trachinian friend brings us excellent tidings. If the Medes darken the sun, we shall have our fight in the shade!”
Now go out there and kick ass.
—Forbes FYI, November 2003
* * *
I. Convalescing from his wounds in an Italian hospital during World War I, Ernest Hemingway met a British soldier who wrote out a line from Henry IV, Part II. The words became Hemingway’s mantra. He quoted them in his short story “The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber.” The line is spoken in the play by a character named Feeble: “By my troth, I care not: a man can die but once; we owe God a death . . . and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next.”
II. Legend has it that this translates literally as “I am a jelly doughnut,” ein Berliner being a local pastry, and Berliner being an inhabitant of the city. Maybe, but the Berliners who heard Kennedy speak knew perfectly what he meant. As I type, today’s New York Times carries the obituary of Robert H. Lochner, eighty-four, Kennedy’s translator on that day.
Acknowledgments
Many of the essays here were originally published in The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Atlantic Monthly, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, Time, Newsweek, National Review, New Republic, Bloomberg/BusinessWeek, Smithsonian, and in the magazine that was my happy professional base for almost twenty years, Forbes FYI, now ForbesLife.
Special thanks—and then some—to two people who have been my professional north stars for over twenty years (one north star is good; two is even better): Jonathan Karp and Binky (née Amanda) Urban. Bless you both. Every author should be so lucky.
I have been the beneficiary of hugely talented editors over the years. To name a few to whom I owe so much: Tina Brown, Cullen Murphy, Patrick Cooke, Susan Morrison. As for family and friends who generously—and often valiantly—served as first responders: John Tierney, Gregory Zorthian, Lloyd Grove, Lucy Buckley, and my precociously talented daughter, Cat.
Special thanks and devoted love to my wife, Katy Close, without whom nothing would be worthwhile.
Finally, another large Milk-Bone to the Faithful Hound Jake, who as the author banged away, vigilantly stood guard, albeit recumbently.
CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY is the pen name of Christopher Buckley.
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They Eat Puppies, Don’t They?
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Florence of Arabia
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Little Green Men
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The White House Mess
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Index
“About the Author” paragraphs, 5
Afghanistan, 141, 161–63, 192, 228–29, 237, 367–69
Africa: Melocotón–Buckley trip to, 118–24
airplanes: advisory for small, 153–55; in Alaska, 109–14
alarm clock: history of hotel, 146–50
Alaska: Buckley’s trip to, 109–14
Ambrose, Stephen, 256, 299
American Heritage Dictionary (Buckley), 255
Amis, Martin, 224, 228, 230
Amtrak: “Quiet Car” on, 20–23
Animal House (book/movie), 275–78, 428
apocalypse: 2000 and, 245–48
astronauts: screening for, 365–67
Auden, W. H., 7, 273, 289, 311, 319
Auschwitz, 130–39, 283, 285, 336, 429
autumn: Buckley’s comments about, 37–38<
br />
Balzac, Honoré, 10, 330, 334
bankers: outrage at, 188–90
Bartz, Carol, 422, 423, 424, 425
Behan, Brendan, 92, 93, 96
Benchley, Robert, 2–3, 303, 381, 387, 395
Berlin Wall, 434–35, 434n
bib, lobster, 62–64
Biden, Joseph, 21, 401, 424
billionaires: history of, 76–78
Birkenau (Auschwitz), 131, 137–39
birthdays, 50th, 43–54
Blair, Dennis, 28–31
Bloomberg, Michael, 226
body language, 306–10
book tours, 5–6, 210, 211, 215
books: and turning books into movies, 39–43
bookstores: book tours and, 6, 210
Booth, John Wilkes, 181–82, 184, 186, 292
Borowski, Tadeusz, 132, 134, 136, 138
Bradbury, Ray, 7, 8, 266–74
Braveheart (movie), 39, 41, 90, 433
Brinkley, Douglas, 218, 265, 297, 298, 299
Brown, Tina, 250
Brún, Garech a, 91–92, 93–94
Buckley, Caitlin (daughter), 42, 168, 342
Buckley, Conor (son): Dordogne tour of, 340–45; skiing lessons for, 357–59
Buckley, Katy Close (wife), 23–24, 357, 359
Buckley, Patricia (mother), 18, 19, 21, 35, 37, 392, 426
Buckley, Reid (uncle), 46
Buckley, William F. Jr. (father): at Auschwitz, 139; and Christopher’s boarding school speech, 26; Christopher’s graduation present from, 26; and Christopher’s introduction to Solzhenitsyn’s works, 219; Christopher’s relationship with, 166, 216; death/funeral of, 225–26, 392; 50th birthday of, 43; Hitchens and, 225–26; and Lunn friendship, 50; retirement of, 215; scotch drinks of, 426; as Suzy Wong sailboat owner, 31; Vidal and, 223–24; and Yale-Harvard football games, 38
Buckley family home, 17–19
budget cuts, 370–71
Buffett, Warren, 82, 404, 405
bug zapper: history of, 65–68
Bush, George H. W.: as Andover alum, 190; and Bawl Brigade, 166–67; and bomb for “Afghanistan Day” speech, 161–63; Buckley as speechwriter for, 28–31, 159–60, 161–63, 167–68, 182; critics of, 164–65; elections of 1988 and, 245; George W.’s relationship with, 166; and Pebble Beach pro-am golf tournament, 165; Reagan’s relationship with, 159–60, 163–64, 166; Regan conversation with, 425; as “Vishnu,” 159–67; vomiting in Japan by, 202, 389; in World War II, 160–61, 164
Bush, George W., 80, 166, 190, 192, 224, 239, 291, 330, 331, 428, 436
cabinet, presidential: appointments to, 191–93
capitalists: outrage at, 188–90
Carter, Jimmy, 384, 419
Castro, Fidel, 295, 412, 435
Catch–22 (Heller), 7, 201, 208, 211, 241, 242, 254–61, 293
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), 30, 75, 162, 164, 169, 368, 372
Charles (prince of Wales), 279, 386, 388, 405, 406, 416
China, 164–65, 237–40
Churchill, Winston, 53, 151, 189, 219, 284, 285, 305, 362, 396, 430–31, 436
Clancy, Tom, 39–40
Clinton, Bill, 171, 213, 225, 307, 308, 411
Clinton, Hillary, 27, 174
Cold War, 28–31, 237, 305
college rejection letters, 359–62
comedy. See humor
Comford, Alex, 233, 234–36, 268
Congdon, Tom, 197–99
Conrad, Barnaby III, 426–27
Conrad, Joseph, 8, 15, 34
corpse, Lenin’s, 400–403
crank: Buckley as suburban, 54–56
Croz, Michel, 45–46, 47, 50–51, 52, 53
Cruise, Tom, 42, 280, 309–10
da Vinci, Leonardo, 253, 350–51
Danny (Buckley’s friend), 18–19, 31, 32–34
Daugherty, Tracy, 241, 255, 256, 257, 259
de Gaulle, Charles, 327, 332, 386–87
Delbanco, Andrew, 312–13, 314, 318
Democrats: and hotel minibar hearings, 117; New Yorker cartoons about, 171–72
Derek, Bo, 269–70, 274
Diana (princess of Wales), 141, 217, 225, 278–80, 406
Dickens, Charles, 151, 330, 348
Dinesen, Isak, 119–20
directions: history of, 98–100
dog sled race, 110–14
Donald, David Herbert, 182–83, 184
Dordogne, France: Buckley’s tour through, 340–45
Douglas, Lord Francis, 49–51, 52
Duyckinck, Evert, 316, 319
e-mail: how to write witty, 394–400
Easter Island: Buckley’s trip to, 142–45
Einstein, Albert, 291, 395
Eisenhower, Dwight D., 149, 165, 305, 400, 439
Elan (Buckley friend): Matterhorn trip of, 44–54
elitism, 189–90
Elizabeth II (queen of England), 281, 385, 386, 387–88, 390, 405, 411–12, 416
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 219, 252, 395
The End of the Age (Robertson), 245–48
entourages, 411–19
errors: regretting of, 80–82
Esquire magazine, 221, 265
faux pas, 383–91
Fernbrook (freighter): Buckley’s adventures on, 15–17
50th birthdays, 43–54
Firing Line (TV show), 215, 225
firings, art of, 422–25
first ladies, 179–80
Fischer, Roger A., 170–71
fish tank story, 23–25
Fitzgerald, F. Scott, 103, 117, 259, 267, 329, 330
FitzGerald family, 94–95
“Five Things You Really Need to Know” (Buckley), 311
football games, Yale-Harvard, 38
Forbes, Bob, 201
France: Buckley’s trips to, 329–39, 340–50; sex and, 233–36; Zagat survey about, 350–54. See also French Revolution; Paris, France
Frankenstein (Shelley), 312–13
Freeh, Louis J., 22–23
freighter: Buckley’s adventures on, 15–17
French Revolution, 189, 334, 344
Frost, David, 176–78
gaffe, 383–91
gardens, 35–36
Gates, Bill, 251, 252, 412
Georgetown set, 163
Gibson, Mel, 39, 40–41, 90, 433
Ginsburg, Ruth Bader, 60, 61
Glin Castle (Ireland): O’Moyne–Buckley trip to, 89, 94–95, 97
Goldwyn, Samuel, 249–50, 355
Gore, Al, 171, 213
Gottlieb, Robert, 207–8, 210, 259, 260, 266–67
graduation speeches, 25–27, 363–65
Greene, Graham, 126, 292–96
Hadow, Douglas, 50–51, 52
Halberstam, David, 190, 264
Halloween, 37–38
Halsey, William Jr. “Bull,” 399–400
Hanoi, Vietnam: Buckley’s trip to, 125–30
Harvard University, 3, 38, 101, 190, 220, 311, 360, 362
Hawthorne, Nathaniel, 9, 310, 315, 316–17, 318–19
Heller, Erica, 261
Heller, Joseph: Buckley first meets, 7; Buckley letters to/from, 200–216; Catch–22 by, 7, 201, 208, 211, 241, 242, 254–61, 293; Closing Time by, 200, 205; “Czech, Please” by, 208, 209; death of, 199–200; “Five Meals That Changed History” by, 201, 202; God Knows by, 213; Hitchens and, 228–29, 258; illness of, 204–5, 209; No Laughing Matter by, 199; Now and Then (memoir) by, 201, 210, 211, 255, 259; Rome story by, 203, 204, 205, 206, 208, 211; Something Happened by, 207–8, 209, 260; Vidal compared with, 8; Vonnegut and, 241–42, 260; in World War II, 200, 241, 255
Heller, Ted, 215, 216, 261
Heller, Valerie, 199–206, 209–12, 214, 216, 261
Hemingway, Ernest, 40, 256, 268, 271, 272, 294, 329, 330, 331, 332, 333, 433n
Henry V (king of England), 227, 431–33
Higgs boson particle, 377–79
history: of billionaires, 76–78; of bug zapper, 65–68; of directions, 98–100; of hotel alarm clocks, 146–50; of h
otel minibars, 115–17; of pep talks, 428–41
History, Secretary of, 191–93
Hitchens, Carol, 323, 325
Hitchens, Christopher, 10, 11, 222–23, 224–30, 258, 281, 321–25
Hitler, Adolf, 141, 148, 302, 304, 416–17, 435
Ho Chi Minh, 127, 297
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, 298, 318
Horne, Alistair, 141, 334
horoscope, 83–86
hotels: history of alarm clocks in, 146–50; minibars in, 115–17
“How to Write a Book”: Congdon–Buckley relationship and, 198
Hudson, Charles, 49–50, 52
humor: Buckley’s comments about writing, 1–5; and definition of laughter, 384–85; money as root of, 249
Hussein, Saddam: and pep talks, 435, 436, 437, 439; possible successors to, 372–74
Huston, John, 92, 96–97, 266, 272
Ibn Khaldoun, 297, 298
Iditarod Trail sled dog race, 110–14
Incas, 103–9
Iraq, 165–66, 190, 192, 224, 372–74, 436–37, 439–40
Ireland: and Buckley’s heritage, 35; O’Moyne–Buckley rambles through, 89–97
Japan: Bush (George H. W.) vomiting in, 202, 389; SAT about, 374–77
Johnson, Lyndon, 384, 388, 416, 422
Joy of Sex (Comfort), 233, 234–36, 268
Joyce, James, 89–90, 311
Kennedy, John F., 149, 218, 298, 303, 306, 415, 434–35, 434n
Kennedy, John Jr., 216–18
Kennedy, Joseph Patrick, 300–306
Kenney, Douglas, 275, 278
Kesey, Ken, 260, 263
King, Stephen, 266, 271, 274
Kissinger, Henry, 10, 177, 203, 225, 226, 237–40, 299, 410
labels: warnings on, 391–93
Lady Liberty (archetype), 392–93
Langella, Frank, 175–78
Larkin, Philip, 233, 324
Lauer, Matt, 309–10
Leale, Charles, 181, 185, 186
Lenin, Vladimir: corpse of, 400–403
Lennon, John, 91, 100, 197
Lincoln, Abraham, 116, 181–87, 231, 290–92, 297, 411, 424
Lincoln, Mary Todd, 183, 185, 186, 291
Lincoln Memorial, 179, 186–87
lobster bib, 62–64
London, England: plaques in, 151–52; Remembrance Day in, 140–42