Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Chapter Six

  Stevie straddled Jason’s lap, just like she would have done in his room all those years ago. Oddly enough, it didn’t feel strange to be sitting this way. Jason tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and caught the last of her tears with his thumbs.

  He closed his eyes and took a deep, slow, shaking breath. When he opened them again, he had a hard, distant look about him.

  “It started at primary school. I was doing so well in every subject. I was getting really good reports. I was…what…ten?” He shrugged. “Everything was going great. That is until I got chicken pox from Danny Milton. Remember?”

  She vaguely remembered him being off school for a while, but at age ten she and Jason weren’t such good friends. He was always teasing her. She nodded anyway.

  “It made me really ill. I had such a bad case that I ended up in hospital for a few days and I was off school for weeks. Anyway, when I went back I struggled to catch up. I tried hard, but apparently I didn’t try hard enough.” He clenched his jaw and she could feel the tension radiating through his body.

  He closed his eyes again.

  “Jason?”

  He snapped his eyes open as if remembering she was there with him. “Sorry…yeah. So my dad was…erm…not too happy that I’d fallen behind. He was so used to being able to brag to his friends that his eldest son was the brightest kid in school. Me lagging behind suddenly meant that he had to make excuses for me.”

  She frowned. “What do you mean he had to make excuses for you? He’s your dad. Why would he have to tell anyone anything? You’d been ill, for goodness sake.”

  “Yep, most parents would see it that way too. Mum did. But not him…no…he was pissed off that I got seven out of ten in my spelling test that week instead of my usual ten.”

  She swallowed hard. “So what’s this got to do with anything between you and I?”

  “He started by just slapping me around the head and insulting me. It hurt, but I was a tough kid.”

  “Again, what has this got—”

  “Stevie, I’m trying to start at the beginning…please.”

  She cringed. “Sorry…okay…go on.”

  “He’d warn me to try harder. I would try really hard, but no matter what happened… If I didn’t get full marks, he’d slap me around the head and back a few times and call me thick. Tell me I would amount to nothing… I was ten.”

  She gasped. “That’s so cruel.”

  His laugh was humourless. “You think?”

  “Did things get worse?”

  “Oh, hell yeah. I didn’t dare get poor grades for anything. I even tried lying. But I’m human…humans make mistakes, although he wouldn’t accept that. No kid of his was going to make him a laughing stock. That’s what I was reminded of regularly.”

  An unwelcomed picture began to build in her mind. She bit her lips to stop herself from speaking as he continued.

  “The older I got, the harsher the punishments were if I didn’t quite meet his expectations. He had a piece of garden cane that he kept in his shed. If I got less than the expected full marks, he’d remind me with the cane across my back just how badly I’d done. Not that I needed reminding. I felt humiliated enough simply by hearing him belittle me, telling me how stupid I was. Telling me how he wished I’d never been born and that I was an embarrassment. That I’d ruined his life. I’d ruined his life.” He shook his head as if disbelieving his own words. “But he was clever…he never left permanent marks. The hits were hard enough to hurt like hell, but not enough to scar me, initially. I was told that if I tried to complain things would get worse and that no one would take me seriously anyway.”

  As tears welled up in her eyes once again, she had the overwhelming urge to comfort him. To hold him and try to erase the horrid memories he’d harboured for all this time. But instead, she sat silently, allowing the tears to spill over as she listened.

  “The further on in school I was the stakes got higher and higher. It became less about my grades and more about him just hating me. He’d use any excuse.” He snorted a dry mirthless laugh. “By the time I was eighteen, we’d gone beyond the garden cane and moved on to the leather belt.” Suddenly, he made direct eye contact with her and held her face gently in his hands. “Stevie, what I wanted…what I desired more than anything in my life at that time was to make love to you. To lose myself in you. To just forget everything. I wanted to love you and be loved by you…but…I couldn’t. The marks that were being left on my body then were…ugly… I didn’t want you to see. I didn’t want you to be repulsed. And I didn’t want you to know what a coward I was by letting it happen.” His lip trembled as he spoke.

  She watched the man before her begin to crumble. His glassy eyes held so much pain and regret. He had tortured himself more than she could ever hurt him. Not that she wanted to do that. Not now.

  Her tears were relentless. “How could you think that? How could you think I wouldn’t still love you? What we had went way beyond looks, Jason. How could you think that I would have let that continue? I could’ve done something to help.” Her voice was just above a whisper.

  He smiled sadly. “You couldn’t have done anything. You were such a beautiful girl…inside and out. I didn’t want you to be tainted by knowing all this shit back then. It was my problem to deal with.”

  “But why didn’t you report it? Get someone to make him stop?”

  “I didn’t know who to tell back then. And I didn’t want him to get into trouble, as stupid as that sounds. He was still my dad, and he would still tell me he loved me when Mum and Dillon were around. I’d believe him, and then it’d be back to the beatings when I’d not done the right thing. I still…still have faint scars, but the worst marks weren’t the physical ones. He made me feel worthless…like I didn’t deserve happiness. He took a wrecking ball to my self-esteem. I hated myself as well as him. I was so sure that I deserved the treatment. I was so sure that I’d done something terrible to have been punished in such a brutal way.”

  A sob left her throat as she imagined him being so terrified that he couldn’t tell anyone and that he’d felt the need to stay covered up in front of her, the girl he loved. She had always thought he was waiting. He had always told her that’s what he was doing, and she’d had no reason to disbelieve him. He had told her he wanted their first time to be perfect, but in the end, she thought he hadn’t wanted her at all. Clearly, now she realised she was so very wrong,

  “I’m so sorry, Jason. I should’ve known.”

  He gripped her arms. “No, don’t you dare blame yourself. This is not your fault. I won’t have you feeling guilty for me. There was nothing you could’ve done.”

  She placed her hands on his chest. His heart was racing under her touch. “But it wasn’t your fault either. You didn’t deserve any of that.” She reached up to touch his cheek.

  “I didn’t know that at the time. I felt…I felt like such a disappointment…like I could do nothing right. You were the only light in my dark tunnel of a life. I just wanted…no…needed to get away from him…from my life.” His bottom lip quivered and a tear balanced on his lower eyelid, teetered for a spilt second and then fell. “I knew I hadn’t done as well in my finals as he’d want. I knew I wasn’t going to get the required four A’s.” His voice broke again.

  “That was going to be another reason for him to hit me and make me feel like shit. He wanted me to be a doctor. I never wanted that. It meant more to him to be able to brag to his friends and live vicariously through me than it did to have me happy. And if I’m honest, I have no idea what would’ve happened if he laid another finger on me…or belt…or whatever the hell implement of torture awaited me. But I’d turned eighteen, and I couldn’t wait around to find out. I would’ve killed him. I’d been on the verge of retaliation so often, but I didn’t want to be like him. And I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell Dillon. I couldn’t tell anyone. When I left I didn’t want to be found. If I’d have been found, I would’ve ended up com
ing back to more of the same or…or worse. I would’ve ended up in prison…or dead.”

  She nodded and lifted her hands to gently wipe his tears away. She wished at that moment that she could go back. She would’ve done anything she could to stop it all from happening.

  “I hope you understand why I couldn’t tell you. I know how much you loved me, and I know you would’ve tried to intervene. So I couldn’t risk you getting involved…not in any way.”

  “Did…did your mum know?”

  Jason huffed out a held breath. “I honestly don’t know. It was all so well hidden. But she can’t have been totally oblivious to the fact that our relationship was strained. How can you live in the same house as someone who’s capable of that level of cruelty and not know? But I didn’t blame her. She was probably scared too.”

  “Did he do the same to Dillon? Or your mum?”

  “No, I kept an eye on Dillon. I think I maybe would have killed him if he’d started on my little brother…and my mum was always just so…positive all the time. They never argued. Well I never saw or heard them. She was maybe in some kind of denial, self-preservation and all that. I’m guessing if she did know she believed if she ignored it long enough it would stop…or go away maybe. I really don’t know. I know how much she loved me though. My heart tells me she had no idea.”

  Placing her hands on either side of his face, she rested her forehead on his. “I…I hate him. I hate him so much for ruining your life…and in turn, ruining my life too.”

  Jason clenched his jaw and closed his eyes for a few moments. “No one hates him more than I do. No one.”

  “Have you seen him since?” She wondered how much he actually knew about life back home.

  “Nope. I never made contact with anyone. Once I left, that was it. I drew a line under everything. I couldn’t look back. I joined the army and tried to forget.”

  She raised her brow. “The army?”

  He smiled at her reaction. “Yes, I needed some way of getting my anger and aggression out in a controlled way. The army taught me how to channel my feelings into something positive. I needed the discipline. Fighting for my country was…well…if anything good could come from all this shit, then that was it.”

  “When you talked about wanting to un-see things, was that connected to your time in the army?”

  He nodded. “I saw terrible things. I saw my friends killed. I saw innocent people killed. It was horrific. I still have nightmares about the things I experienced.”

  She closed her eyes, dreading delivering the next piece of information. “Oh God, Jason, you don’t know.”

  “Know what? What’s wrong?”

  “Oh Jason, I’m so, so sorry. Your mum…she passed away…two years ago.”

  A pained sob left his body, and he crumpled into her chest.

  Chapter Seven

  Stevie held onto Jason as he convulsed with agonising sobs. She could tell that the news of his mother’s death had been like a blow to the solar plexus. The painful heart rending cries racking his body were almost too much for her to bear. But bear them she did. She stroked his hair as he rested his head on her shoulder, his tears soaking through her fleece and tank top. Her own tears fell silently as she clung to him.

  She had visited Shirley in hospital on several occasions and had been support for her through the years that Jason was missing. Shirley had always said Stevie was like a daughter to her. Her illness had simply gotten worse and worse until it finally took her. Stevie now knew that guilt could have played a huge part in her not fighting the heart disease. It was as if Shirley felt it was somehow a befitting and just punishment. Looking back now, things made a lot more sense.

  Jason cried for what felt like an age. When he finally stopped, he gazed up at her with a look of deep regret. “I should’ve been there.” He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “I think I always presumed they’d go on forever…you know…somehow frozen in time. Don’t get me wrong, I know people change and life goes on, but naïvely I just thought Mum would be fine.” His voice broke again and her heart lurched.

  “A lot can happen in ten years,” she whispered sadly.

  “I’m realising that now. It doesn’t feel like ten years. God, I was so selfish.” He covered his face with his hands.

  She gripped his hands and pulled them away. “No, Jason. You did what you had to do. I know that now. I had no idea any of those things were happening. And I’m so angry with your dad. I—”

  “He’s not my dad. He stopped being my dad the minute he laid a hand on me. I have no father. I have some wanker who donated sperm…that’s it.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  “No, don’t be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I went about everything the wrong way.”

  She shook her head vehemently. “No, you were still a kid. We had only just turned eighteen. You took yourself out of a very difficult situation. That was the only thing you could do.”

  He glanced at the clock and shook his head. “Look, it’s gone one. I’m exhausted. Why don’t I walk you back to your cabin and we’ll talk tomorrow… Well, later today.”

  “It’s fine. I can make my own way back. You should get some sleep. It’s not far to walk. Unless I’m going to be eaten by mountain lions or something.” She giggled.

  He frowned. “Stevie, this is the Cairngorms not the Yukon.”

  She smiled at his answer. “Funny, I had the same conversation with someone the day we arrived.”

  He grinned. “Eh? What are you on about?”

  “Oh nothing. Right… I’ll be off.” She stood to leave.

  He stood too and enveloped her in his arms. “Thank you.”

  She pulled her brow in. “For what? Making you cry?”

  “For letting me explain.”

  “It’s fine. It fills in the missing pieces…mostly. But I’m sure you have more to tell me.”

  “Why don’t you come again after lights out and we’ll talk more? I have more wine.”

  “It’s a date.” She clamped her hand over her mouth as soon as the words had fallen out. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  “That’s okay. I know what you meant.” He kissed her head. “Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you back?”

  “No, some of the little blighters might see if they’re up, which I wouldn’t put past them. I don’t want to be giving them the wrong impression. Goodnight, Jason.”

  “G’night.”

  She switched on her little torch and made her way down the narrow path, which led to the main clearing. The night was spookily quiet apart from the odd hoot of an owl and the rustling of the gentle breeze through the trees. The moon cast a pale glow over the site and the mountains in the distance, highlighting everything in an ethereal silver glow as she walked wearily back to her cabin, feeling emotionally drained. Once inside, she collapsed into her bed and fell into a fitful sleep plagued by nightmares of a frightened adolescent being hurt with canes, belts, and horrid words.

  ****

  Day Three Of Hell

  Stevie awoke with a start at seven and sat bolt upright. A faint knocking rattled her door. Ugh, that must be what woke me. She stretched as she walked over and opened the door.

  David stood there smiling. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he all but whispered. “Breakfast is being served down in the main hut in about half an hour, so you need to get a move on.”

  “David, why are you speaking to me in that rather bizarre, theatrical whisper?”

  He cleared his throat. “Oh, sorry, I’m not sure. Are…are you coming for breakfast?”

  The sun had already made an appearance and the weather looked bright and warm, but all she wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. “Yeah, can you give me ten minutes or so? I didn’t sleep too well, and I need a shower to wake me up.”

  He nodded. “Oh yeah…sure… I’ll go and make sure the kids are all getting ready. Although, you may need to chivvy the girls along a bit. They’re all too busy app
lying full make up in the hope that Jason will ask one of them to marry him, or something.” He rolled his eyes.

  She couldn’t help but laugh at that. She could see the appeal though. Jason was certainly an attractive man. His dark hair and dark eyes, along with his stubble and outdoorsy ruggedness, made him incredibly sexy. And that was before you considered his defined, sculpted physique. A shiver ran down her spine, making her physically shake.

  “Oooh, I hope you’re not coming down with something, Mrs. Norton.” David wagged a finger at her accusingly.

  She rolled her eyes—which was becoming a regular occurrence around this guy. “What? No! I’m just waking up, David. I’ll see you in ten.” Good grief. She slammed her door in his face, and heard him chuntering as he walked away. He can be such an irritating arse. She grabbed her towel and toiletries, went into her small en-suite, turned the water on, and allowed it to heat to piping hot before stepping under the cascade where she let the water relax her tense shoulders.

  Ten minutes later, she was dressed in black shorts and tank top with a pale blue shirt over the top. She laced up her walking boots and pulled her hair into a scruffy bun atop her head. She applied sunscreen to her face and went without makeup; apart from a little concealer to hide the dark circles that were there as a result of a lack of sleep and crying the night before.

  When she entered the main hut, there was a buzz of conversation, which meant she could enter almost unnoticed. She got in line for food and glanced around the room almost immediately, making eye contact with a rather tired looking Jason. His hair was scraped back into a half ponytail again and he wore a black fitted T-shirt with the WFH logo. The shirt showed the definition in his chest and biceps that she hadn’t had an opportunity to appreciate the night before thanks to the drama that had ensued. He smiled warmly and nodded at her. He gestured to the seat beside him, and she nodded her acquiescence.

  Once her plate was loaded up with bacon, scrambled egg, haggis, and a tattie scone, she made her way across the room to where Jason sat surrounded by girls. Once she had placed her tray down and sat beside him, he leaned in and whispered, “Thanks for saving me from my fan club.”