Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Because he wouldn’t be Jason.

  She stroked his hair, feeling overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy that once again her time with him was limited. She wanted to spend time with him whilst he was here but feared that she might break again when he left.

  “Will you come out on the bike with me whilst I’m here?” His question came out of the blue.

  She laughed. “What? Are you kidding?” Me on a bike? No chance.

  He shook his head against her chest. “Nope, I’m perfectly serious. Don’t you think it’d be a massive turn on clinging to my body with a huge roaring monster between your thighs—and I mean the bike by the way—and us travelling at, oh, say around a hundred miles an hour?”

  She somehow knew he was grinning even though she couldn’t see his face, and knowing that made her grin too. “Hmm. You do know that exceeding the speed limit is actually illegal don’t you? And I haven’t got a clue how to even be on a bike. I’d be terrified. And I might scream like a pathetic girl or something equally as ridiculous.”

  He lifted his head and looked at her with a serious expression now fixed in place. “But you’d be with me, so you’d be perfectly safe.”

  Tell that to my heart. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it. But that’s all. I’m not saying yes.”

  With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he replied, “But you’re not saying no, which is good enough for now. I’ll just work on you with my masculine charms until you say yes.”

  “I bet you will. Hey, changing the subject completely, have you eaten?”

  He raised himself up carefully and eyed her with a playful grin. “Very subtle, Wattsy. No, I haven’t eaten. Are you hungry for something other than me?”

  “As surprising as that may seem to you, yes, I’m bloody starving. Shall we go out somewhere? Grab a bite to eat and get a drink maybe?”

  “Sounds like a plan. Or we could grab a takeaway and go back to yours. I’d like to see where you ended up living. And then I’d get to meet this canine companion of yours.”

  She cringed. “Rowdy? Oh, I should probably warn you he doesn’t like men. He’s very protective of me. Well, actually he’s as soft as a brush, but he can be protective. It depends if he sees you as a threat.”

  He laughed heartily. “What kind of name is Rowdy?”

  She giggled. “Ah, all will become clear when you meet him.”

  He nodded thoughtfully. “Okay, and what do you mean a threat? Like if he thinks I’m going to steal his biscuits?”

  “Durrr, no. Like if he thinks you’re going to steal his Stevie.”

  “My Stevie,” Jason mumbled sulkily, his voice only just audible.

  She chuckled. “Sorry what did you say? I didn’t catch it.”

  He pouted. “Nothing. Let’s go eat.”

  ****

  Jason carried their bag of Chinese food back to Stevie’s car, and she unlocked the red convertible with the push of a button on her key fob.

  He looked over the car admiringly. “I still can’t quite believe that this is yours,” he stated with raised eyebrows.

  She placed her hands on her hips. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

  “Oh, I don’t know… I just thought you’d drive something more…practical, I suppose.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Gee thanks. I’m twenty-eight, not sixty-eight.”

  Jason climbed into the passenger side. “Yeah, I know. It’s just quite…sporty. I’m impressed, don’t get me wrong.”

  “I am quite sporty, thank you very much, and I don’t really care if you’re impressed or if you aren’t to be honest.”

  Jason made a face at her, making her giggle. She had the most beautiful laugh. She pulled out into the early evening traffic and headed toward her town house on the outskirts of Wilmserden.

  “Are you sure you want to go back to mine? Wouldn’t you rather go out somewhere?”

  He gestured to his battered face. “Looking like this? No thanks. I hate being stared at and talked about. I’d rather just stay in and chill with you, if that’s okay? I can get a cab back to the hotel later.”

  She tilted her head to one side and smiled. “But I might stare at you. And I have been known to talk to myself, so I may just talk about you too.”

  Jason smiled widely. He loved her playful side. “You think you’re funny, but you’re sooo wrong.”

  “Oh really? So why are you smiling?”

  “I’m not smiling.” He smiled wider still.

  “You are so smiling!”

  “Oh shut up and drive woman. It’ll be time for me to go back to my hotel before I get a chance to eat at this rate.”

  “Yeah? Well that’d mean there would be more food for me. I’ve seen you eat remember. The phrase a potato more than a pig springs to mind.”

  Jason gasped. “You cheeky sod!”

  The pair laughed together and it felt so good, and secretly Jason hoped he wouldn’t be going back to the hotel tonight at all.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Rowdy the dog started barking excitedly as soon as Stevie turned the key in the lock. “Urgh, that dog is so bloody—”

  “Rowdy? Yeah I get the reason for the name now.” Jason grimaced at the loudness of the bark and wondered if the dog was as menacing as he sounded. He was about to find out and wasn’t exactly happy at the prospect.

  Once inside the door, the huge fluffy canine growled and lurched for Jason pinning him to the wall. His teeth were bared and his paws rested at the top of Jason’s chest as he snarled at the intruder. “Fuuuck! Oh shit…oh no. He’s massive, Stevie. I think he’s going to kill me!” Jason’s voice wavered with fear as he stood wide-eyed and frozen to the spot.

  “Rowdy no! Down! Bad boy!” she shouted as she yanked at the dog’s collar. “Nah…you’ll be fine. Just don’t make any sudden movements.” The dog, seemingly reluctant to do so, jumped down but kept a watchful eye on Jason as he backed away slowly toward the living room.

  He swallowed hard. “I…erm…I really don’t think he likes me.”

  She pulled her lips in. “No, you’re right. He doesn’t. I’d say he pretty much hated you on first sight.” Jason was aware that he must look ridiculous with his six-foot plus frame cowering and eyeing the dog warily, but he simply didn’t dare take his eyes away.

  “Can you open the wine, Jace? There are a couple of bottles in the fridge. Or if you prefer red, there’s some in the wine rack.

  “I would…but…the dog is kind of…watching every move I make, and I daren’t move very far right now. He looks ready to take my head off…or…or worse.”

  She laughed. “What’s worse than him tearing your head off?”

  “Well at this precise moment he looks primed and ready to bite me in my…erm…goods.”

  She threw her head back and guffawed loudly. “In your goods? That’s hilarious!”

  “Considering I’m on the receiving end of both your ridicule and the hungry looking dog eyeing up my meat and two veg, I’d say hilarious is not a word I would use right now. Can you please do whatever it is you do to get him to go away? Mind tricks, hypnotise him, drug him, or something…whatever, and just get him the hell away.”

  Pursing her lips together and obviously trying not to laugh any more, she clicked her fingers. “Rowdy…come on…out.” Once she gave the dog the command, he skipped off merrily, leaving Jason to heave a huge sigh of relief.

  “Now can you open the wine, you big baby?” she teased as Jason walked through to the kitchen on rather shaky limbs.

  He gaped open mouthed at her. “Big baby? Have you ever been on the receiving end of teeth like that in your nether regions?”

  “No, I haven’t! And he didn’t even bite you, you big wuss. He’s a big softy.”

  Jason cocked his head to one side and narrowed his eyes at her. “Oh yeah…snarling teeth and sharp claws…very cute and cuddly. Just like a teddy bear.”

  After rolling her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time, she served up the fo
od and carried two plates over to the small dining table at one end of her kitchen.

  He brought the wine and sat opposite her, glancing around his surroundings. “It’s a really nice place this. Very…you.”

  She frowned at him. “Why did you say it like that?”

  He chuckled. “I didn’t say it like anything. I just meant that it’s you…you know…modern yet cosy…very tidy…very, very tidy…on the verge of OCD tidy.” It was his turn to tease now.

  She threw a napkin at his head. “I do not have OCD. I just like things neat that’s all. Everything has its place. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “No…no nothing wrong. I’m just wondering how long it will take you to straighten all the tins in your cupboard that I’ve mixed up.” He sniggered.

  She gasped as her eyes widened. “You’ve messed up my cupboards?”

  “Only the one with the tins lined up alphabetically with the labels all perpendicular… Well, they’re not anymore.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and she looked around her. He presumed she was looking for something else to throw. Instead she huffed and carried on eating. Smiling to himself he vowed to check the cupboard again before he left.

  ****

  Once they had finished with their meal, they moved through to the lounge and Rowdy was put to bed; much to the dog’s apparent disappointment. Jason could have sworn that he actually heard the dog grumble, “That’s not fair,” as the door closed on him. But he was decidedly more relaxed knowing that the wolf…sorry…dog was safely tucked away in the kitchen behind a wooden barrier. Although he was sure that if the dog was so minded, the flimsy door wouldn’t be much of a barrier at all.

  After a few moments, she broke the silence that had fallen between them. “So what are your plans for going back home?” She sat on the lounge floor. Crash by The Dave Matthews Band played in the background, and Jason had his eyes closed.

  He opened them and looked over to her. “Sick of me already, eh?”

  “Don’t be daft. I…I just wondered how long you were staying.”

  “Well, that all depends on Dillon, I suppose.” He took a large gulp of his wine. “I’m not sure what to do. I feel on the one hand that I should tell him everything…he should know…but I’m also scared of spoiling the memories he has of Mum and Dad. Plus there’s the added issue that he may not believe me. Like I said before, he was under the impression that my reasons for leaving were selfish, which I suppose they were, but not intentionally.”

  “I think he needs to know. It would help him to understand, and you’re each other’s only remaining family now. You’ll need each other. You may not think so, but I do.”

  “That’s true… It’s just not something I want to talk about at all. I found telling you so, so hard. I just don’t know how he’ll take it.”

  “Well, you won’t know until you try. When are you seeing him?”

  “He hasn’t called. Probably expects me to have gone back to Scotland. I want to prove to him that I won’t run again.”

  “I think he’ll appreciate that once he knows everything.”

  They sat in silence for a while. Jason closed his eyes once again and listened to the compilation CD that she had selected. Each track had a kind of melancholy quality. “White Flag” by Dido floated through the air as the two former lovers sat close enough to touch but neither reached out.

  As Jason listened, a lump of emotion lodged in his throat. The lyrics resonated deep within him and he opened his eyes. Her eyes were closed and her face was damp.

  He reached over and touched her arm. “Stevie?” His voice cracked with emotion.

  “This song always gets me. Every. Single. Time.” She wiped at her eyes and puffed her cheeks out, blowing the air from her lungs. “It makes me think of when you left. Even though I was the one left behind, I lived by the lyrics for a very long time. I was determined not to give up. I was determined to wait for you. Even though everyone around me was telling me to move on. I couldn’t. I wanted to wait for you.”

  She glanced over to Jason, who listened intently. “And I did…for so long. I felt sure that you’d come back soon after you left. It’s crazy, but I still felt connected to you somehow. As time wore on, I realised that I’d been living in some kind of denial. You weren’t coming back. I think I’d somehow stopped living. And then one day, I decided enough was enough. But I still listened to the song every so often. I felt closer to you when I did.”

  His eyes stung. He had been a blubbering wreck ever since she had come back into his life. Every raw emotion hidden deep within was gradually making its way to the surface once again. Things he had suppressed for so long. He wanted to say the right thing. To apologise again but what good would it do? Apologies wouldn’t bring back the last ten years. He stroked his hand up and down her arm. His chest ached.

  “I had…well, have a song like that too. It tears me up to hear it. I’d sit wherever I could and stick my ear-buds in and listen to it when I was alone.”

  Her eyebrows rose. “Really? Which song was it? If you don’t mind me asking.”

  “It was… It came out after I left but…the words spoke to me.” He cleared his throat as if just thinking about it made him emotional. “It was “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down. There’s one particular verse that just…well, you can probably figure it out.”

  She stood and slowly walked to the stereo system. She pressed a few buttons, and then the familiar sound of a guitar and the voice of 3 Doors Down’s Brad Arnold broke through the silence. She strolled back across and held her hand out to Jason. “Dance with me?”

  He gazed up at her for a moment. She looked so beautiful. He slipped his hand into hers and pulled himself up carefully, feeling the strain in his ribs. The stinging sensation returned to his eyes as he cupped her face and bent to kiss her forehead. Pulling her close into his chest, he wrapped her in his arms and let those damned raw emotions of the past few days…the last month and the past ten years…overflow. The grief for the loss of his best friend and first love…the grief for the loss of his mother and his pain and anger toward his father all poured out.

  Suddenly he was sobbing. His body shuddering as the tears spilled from his eyes, soaking into her clothing as she held onto him. At the particular verse that got to him the most, he pulled away and stared into her eyes as if to convey the message within the lyrics directly into her soul. The message that no matter where he’d gone when he was away for all those years, no matter how difficult times had become, the love he felt for her had never faded.

  She tiptoed and covered his mouth with her own. Kissing away the pain and anguish. He held on tight to her, never wanting to let her go. Why could this not work? Why could they not figure this out? He wished he knew why she was so reticent. But then he remembered the words she had spoken only minutes before, and he had his answer. Regardless of the reasons behind his leaving, the fact that he left and was gone…lost for so long that it had broken her. Not just her heart, but her trust and her spirit too. He sobbed again, leaning his face into the crook of her neck as she stroked his hair.

  “I want to make this better, Jason… I want to help but I don’t know how.”

  Jason knew what he wanted. He wanted to be with her. To hold her. To make love to her and to get lost in her again. To forget the fact that this was temporary. To forget that the last ten years had been spent apart. For tonight he wanted to just be with her.

  Pulling away he gazed into her eyes. “I understand why we’re temporary…or why there is no we. I know what I did hurt you too much. But…just for tonight, let me love you. I just want it to be you and me…for however long we have…even if it is just tonight. I want to stop thinking about all the bad stuff. I want to love you… I do love you…so much.” He stroked her hair as he poured his heart out.

  She took his hand and silently led him toward the stairs and up. Jason wiped at his eyes as he followed her. She opened a door and led him inside her pretty bedroom. He glanced around but his gaze s
oon came back to her. She stepped closer to him, and he caressed her cheek with his thumb. Bending to kiss her, he closed his eyes and breathed in her scent.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Stevie pulled at Jason’s T-shirt and he bent forward, lifting his arms stiffly. Once she had removed it, she dropped it to the floor and smoothed her hands over his chest tracing his tattoos with her fingertips. He watched her as she moved her hands over his taut skin. She bent and kissed the bullet scar and bruising at his side and continued to trail kisses back across his stomach and up to his pecs. He closed his eyes and inhaled, expanding his chest under her touch. He really was stunning.

  When his eyes were locked on hers once again, she took hold of the hem of her own shirt and lifted her arms over her head, removing the item and discarding it on the floor. She unfastened and stepped out of her jeans and stood before him in just her pale blue satin underwear. They had seen each other undress when she visited him in Scotland, but this was more intimate, emotion hanging thickly in the air between them as they gazed at each other longingly.

  She took control once again, freeing Jason from his jeans and pushing them to the floor so that he could step out of them. Kneeling before him she continued to cover him in gentle kisses as she gazed up at his dark, hooded eyes. While she caressed him with her tongue and clung to his hips, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose as he clenched his jaw. He ran his hands over her hair as she revelled in the taste of his skin. Suddenly, he grabbed her and pulled her to standing again without speaking but winced as he moved, the bruising clearly giving him some discomfort

  She pulled her brows into a frown. “Why?”

  “It felt too good and I want this to last as long as possible,” he whispered. She closed her eyes as she smoothed her hands up his muscular back and he unclasped her bra and pulled it down her arms, discarding it along with everything else. Tilting her chin upward he placed a tender kiss on her lips; his were still wet from the tears he had shed. The taste of salt water mingled with the taste of the wine he had drunk not so long before. The last remaining clothing was removed and left wherever it fell.