Red Audrey and the Roping

by Jill Malone

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Sessions with Dr. Mya: Day 1

  I.

  II.

  III.

  IV.

  V.

  VI.

  VII.

  VIII.

  IX.

  Sessions with Dr. Mya: Day 2

  X.

  XI.

  XII.

  XIII.

  XIV.

  XV.

  Sessions with Dr. Mya: Day 3

  XVI.

  XVII.

  XVIII.

  XIX.

  XX.

  XXI.

  XXII.

  Sessions with Dr. Maya: Day 4

  XXIII.

  XXIV.

  XXV.

  XXVI .

  XXVII.

  XXVIII.

  XXIX.

  XXX.

  XXXI.

  XXXII.

  Sessions with Dr. Mya: Day 5

  XXXIII.

  XXXIV.

  XXXV.

  XXXVI.

  XXXVII.

  XXXVIII.

  XXXIX.

  XXXX.

  XXXXI.

  XXXXII.

  Afterward

  Acknowledgments

  Bywater Books

  Copyright Page

  For Brooke and Gavin

  Sessions with Dr. Mya: Day 1

  Somehow the Montana dykes are to blame for everything. That much is clear, that much is certain. I have to explain about that. If she asks, I’ll explain.

  I dreamt of Audrey again: Audrey in her red jeep. This time I knew it was a dream. My mother sat in the passenger’s seat with her bare feet propped on the dash, and her hair tidal. Audrey drove and I sat in the back. My mother reached out, put her hand on Audrey’s neck, and smiled over her shoulder at me. I said, “But you’re dead,” and then I was in the street watching the jeep careen down the road as though no one were driving.

  I hate this fucking hospital. Six birds of paradise bob from an orange bucket in the corner of the room like brilliant animals. Yellow pikake leis drape the phone, the end table, the entire world, with the delightful smell of cat piss. The pug-faced nurse is changing my IV site and will soon begin to draw my blood. The Montana dykes are to blame for everything.

  Another nurse—the glum, hairy one—has just reminded me that I’m going to see Dr. Mya shortly. It’s possible that this makes the fourth time I’ve been reminded just this morning, or the fifth. Anyway, it’ll be my first time in a wheelchair since I woke in hospital. Usually they move me by bed.

  I have to explain. If my mind would sort properly, I could explain. This is a different room I’m in now. The last had fewer windows. I don’t know which floor this is, but it’s high: I can see the corner of a high rise with blue-tinted glass and several condominiums huddled across the skyline. Someone on an upper floor revels in potted geraniums.

  I miss Audrey’s jeep: the wild, unholy brawl of it; rumble and clang too distracting to enjoy a CD; the seats as rigid and knobby as elbows; the road never smooth beneath its tires. Still I dream its red and rumble. I dream its girl.

  “I don’t think this vein is any good.”

  The pug-faced nurse isn’t apologetic as she removes the needle, so much as cowed. Ever since the nurses had to yank all the floating Get Well balloons from my room because I couldn’t stop screaming, they’ve been apprehensive about upsetting me. It takes so little to upset me now.

  “Is there a nurse on this ward who knows what the fuck she’s doing?” I call into the hallway.

  Beside me the pug hesitates, as if she’s waiting for another nurse as well, then she takes my arm as confidently as possible and tries a vein at my wrist. Beyond the window, the harshest days of summer pass without the benefit of nurses, CAT scans, and air-conditioned suites.

  I remember a day just on the cusp of summer when I’d spent the morning surfing and returned to Audrey’s after a late breakfast, expecting to have the flat to myself to work on my lesson plans. When I carried my bike in, I found Audrey sitting in the living room wearing slacks and a sleeveless button-down white shirt rather than her paint-flecked smock. Her hair still wet and dark around her impish face, she smiled at me.

  “Thought maybe you’d like to catch a movie this afternoon.”

  “You aren’t working?” I asked her.

  “Too distracted today. I feel so restless. There were kids tossing a baseball on the street corner by the studio. I could hear them inside even with the windows closed. Let’s go to Restaurant Row. I have no idea what’s playing. We’ll just see if anything appeals to us.”

  “Have you eaten?”

  She shook her head and I remembered that I hadn’t kissed her, though I wanted to then. Audrey had this way of bouncing when she was excited as if her body couldn’t quite stabilize itself, and she hopped off the couch and toward me in a single bounding motion, a tackling rush.

  As I caught her, my bike toppled to the floor behind me. Her legs cinched around my waist as though we were teenagers and I held onto her with a sense that this girl was fleeing suddenly from this flat, this embrace.

  The pug has taped the new IV site, gathered up her paraphernalia, and now slips away as Nurse Crumb saunters in with a plate of chocolate chip cookies. It must be Monday.

  “Well, Jane, have a cookie for your grievances.”

  She places two cookies on my untouched breakfast tray and smiles down at me.

  “You’ll need your strength for your session with Dr. Mya this morning.”

  Dr. Mya? What kind of doctor allows herself to be called Dr. Mya? I suppose that’s the giveaway—the obvious indicator that she’s a psychiatrist—the stilted formality of dropping the surname that one encounters with old southern women or preschool teachers. I push my breakfast tray toward Nurse Crumb.

  “I can’t eat this shit.”

  “Just eat the cookies, then. I added coconut and cinnamon for you.”

  Nurse Crumb, an obscenely fat woman who stands 6 feet tall, applies her makeup flawlessly to accentuate her dark blue eyes, and styles her blond hair as if she might fly off to a red carpet event at any moment. Her eyes often disappear into her face and her bright white teeth gleam in the jolliest smile I’ve ever seen. She serves as charge nurse on the ward and can be as menacing with her chocolate chip cookies as some men are with crowbars.

  “What time’s my appointment?” I ask between bites.

  “11:00 a.m.”

  She beams at me encouragingly. I almost don’t get the cookie down.

  “Can I have some morphine?”

  “Now, Jane, you know you have to discuss that with your neurologist. I’m sure you’ll see Dr. Bocek this morning on his rounds.”

  Crumb and I have developed a routine in the weeks I’ve been bound in Kapiolani Women’s Hospital. She hassles me about my emergency contacts, or more specifically, my absence of viable emergency contacts, and I harass her about being denied morphine for the plague of bee swarms and chisels that inhabits my head.

  Weeks ago, after the saturated oblivion of morphine, Crumb appeared in my room like Jesus, and spent several sessions trying to coax an emergency contact from me along with some rational account of the accident. The hospital will tell me what has happened to me medically, but they refuse to reveal what happened to me physically. Apparently it’s not just a game, but also a significant part of the recovery process to be able to describe the events that led to your coma.

  Crumb kept asking what I was thinking during the accident.

  “You remember something; you must. Have you a visual picture of the event?”

  That’s a visual picture as opposed to an auditor
y picture.

  “I don’t remember.”

  “You aren’t trying.”

  “If you can read my fucking mind, then why bother asking questions?”

  “Ms. Elliot, if you don’t take this seriously, you will prolong your recovery.”

  Prolong my recovery, as if that recovery had already begun and I was, spitefully, just dragging it out to be difficult. We’ve evolved since those early sessions; now she calls me Jane. And today I’ve realized that the Montana dykes are to blame for everything. They even ruined that day with Audrey, that day on the cusp of summer.

  At Restaurant Row, Audrey and I caught Run Lola Run, amping to the energy of the film, the actors, the metaphysical time vortex and existential conceit of the plot, wondering aloud as we left the theater how many do-overs each of us actually got. Then we drove to Aliamanu for meat jhun from Soon’s Korean Barbeque for me and vegetables with rice from the Chinese restaurant around the corner for Audrey. We ate in her jeep, parked under a sprawling oak tree, the kim chee acidic and startling to the palate. Cars tore down the boulevard just beyond the parking lot; hot and bright, the afternoon swelled around us as urgently as the passing cars. Strangely, the traffic sounded like waves breaking.

  “The girl in that movie was hot,” Audrey said.

  “Who knew German chicks could look like that? Fraulein: it’s sort of a damning word.”

  “I spoke to one of my friends from grad school this morning.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “An ex-girlfriend actually. She’s coming to Oahu in a few weeks for a visit with a couple of mutual friends. They’d planned to stay at another woman’s house in Kailua, but that fell through so she wanted to know if they could stay with me.”

  I knew she’d told them yes. Of course she’d said yes. Maybe kids playing ball on the street corner hadn’t made Audrey giddy after all. I wanted summer to have inspired the same restlessness in her it had in me. That morning I’d thought of my father and Therese in the orchard with the trees blossoming, the fragrance attracting bees and wasps to flit and drone; the skin of my father’s face becoming thinner, more delicate. My mother would never be old, or whole, or mine. I dreamt of leaving Oahu. I wanted different choices, another do-over.

  “How will you make room for them?”

  “They’ll bring sleeping bags and camp in the living room. They’re here for fourteen days. You’ll like them.”

  I’ll like them. It didn’t seem to matter whether I’d like them or not since they were her friends. Audrey scooped a mushroom carefully with her chopsticks. At the Soon’s counter behind us a steady line had formed, customers crowded the aisles awaiting their soda or lunch plate. All the narrow outdoor tables were occupied.

  “If you could change any day of your life,” I asked Audrey, “which day would you change?”

  “I made a mistake in grad school,” she said eventually. “I slept with a girl I didn’t like because I was afraid to hurt her. For weeks after I felt nauseous.”

  “So if you had a do-over you would hurt her instead of sleep with her?”

  “If I had a do-over I wouldn’t have gone to the bar that night. I’d have stayed home and worked or gone for a long walk or to see a movie or anything else. I’d have skipped the whole scenario.”

  She drank her fruit punch, the straw honking against the plastic lid.

  “If you had a do-over?” she asked.

  I’d been pondering that question for years. I couldn’t save my mother. But the dentist, wouldn’t I have left her differently? Even with Emily I could think of whole months I would have changed.

  “There was a day, at Bubbies Ice Cream Parlor, a hot fucking day. I almost broke up with Nick. I had a speech ready and everything. Before anything evil happened.”

  “So you wouldn’t change the fact that you’d dated him at all?”

  “No.”

  I tried to imagine never having dated Nick. No Venice, no brawl with Emily (or at least not the same brawl with Emily), no scars on my back and wrists, no trouble with the faculty at U.H., no drug test. At the office I had a picture he’d taken of me one day at Sea World. Too much sun behind my head made the photo seem unbalanced, but my face looked so happy, so weightless, as though my image had been tampered with.

  “That doesn’t make sense to me,” Audrey said.

  How could it make sense? She hadn’t loved Nick. I wasn’t sure I had loved Nick, but I didn’t hate him, not even from this distance.

  “You think I’d be happy now if I hadn’t dated Nick?”

  “Happy?” she said the word as though it were new to her. “I don’t think that’s the point.”

  I didn’t want to know the point. The topic of conversation depressed me almost as much as the idea of three strangers camping in Audrey’s living room for two weeks. I tossed the last of my plate lunch into the garbage. On the drive back to Audrey’s, I thought about the moment the bike dropped behind me in her flat, the feel of the handle bars dragging against my calf, the heft of her legs around my waist, her shirt collar rubbing against my earrings.

  Audrey reached across and massaged my neck, her fingers pressing deeply into the knots and muscles. She let go to shift and then massaged again. I groaned, closed my eyes, imagined the jeep gliding along the surface of a wave.

  “I’m reading this book,” she said, her voice cast above the squeal and rumble of the jeep, “by Djuna Barnes. Have you read her?”

  “No.”

  “It’s about obsession.”

  Her hand released to shift again, then returned to my neck. Through our opened windows the heavy, grating sounds of traffic clanged. The business district of Dillingham Boulevard always seemed dirty and obscure. I kept my eyes closed, exhaled the word “Obsession.”

  “Yes. Her sentences make you feel claustrophobic and aroused like these dark tortured characters with their psycho-sexual impulses feel claustrophobic and aroused. It’s about a woman no one can hold.”

  “Claustrophobic and aroused could be the definition of obsession.”

  “I worry sometimes you might be that woman.”

  “Which woman?”

  “The one no one can hold.”

  She dropped her hand to downshift; the engine idled at the light.

  “I don’t know what that means,” I said.

  “They used to have these people, professional mourners. They were paid to attend funerals so it seemed like a good crowd had turned up to pay tribute to the deceased. The mourners cried and wore somber clothes and seemed as if they really were bereaved. Sometimes I think you’re so into grief that you deliberately destroy things, people, just so you can mourn them.”

  I watched a seagull loop above the water in the distance. We passed Aloha Tower Marketplace, large blustery women waddling toward the parking lot with unwieldy white and blue shopping bags. Strollers littered the sidewalk.

  “That’s an awful thing to say.”

  “I’m afraid of it sometimes: the cost of loving you.”

  “There’s a cost to loving anyone,” I said stupidly, not wanting to think in specifics, or assign values, or argue.

  “Yes, but the cost is always different depending on what you wager, what you’re willing to lose.”

  In the condominiums high above us lights shone and people moved about preparing dinner, watching television, recovering from another Sunday. Clouds obscured the setting sun and I rolled up the window, turned on the CD player. Tori Amos singing: I believe in peace, bitch.

  Bill, a sallow-faced orderly with a frizzy mullet, navigates us onto the elevator and illuminates Floor 8. I’ve been in Kapiolani Women’s Hospital for four weeks—comatose for the first seventeen days—and this is my first trip by wheelchair. My first trip to the Psych ward to meet Dr. Mya Perez, the purported guru of my recovery; the woman assigned to determine the precise nature of my injuries. I’m twenty-nine years old and completely fucked.

  Bill knocks at the threshold of Dr. Mya’s office and wheels me through the o
pened door to the fore of her desk where he promptly leaves me without a word. The room smells of spice, cinnamon or nutmeg. Behind her desk, the petite doctor stands and takes off her brown-rimmed spectacles. Her black hair is pulled tightly back and pinned at the nape of her neck. She looks to be thirty-five, fit, and probably Filipino; her skin a light brown, remarkably fine against the burgundy of her skirt and blazer.

  “Good morning, Jane. I’m Dr. Mya.”

  “Morning.”

  After grabbing a pad and pen from her desk, she moves to a leather chair across from me and sits, adjusting her legs demurely, before sliding her spectacles back on.

  “How do you feel this morning?”

  Sarcastic? Exhausted? Embittered? Blissful? Sore? From the walls of the doctor’s office, several Dali prints hang: a grotesquely stretched pair of elephants trundling across a red and orange sky; a giraffe on fire; Narcissus perched at the pool beside his strange twin; a white ship walked along the surface of the water by an elongated woman grown from the masthead; a view of a woman’s back with the sea sprawled beyond her opened window.

  “I feel swell today. Don’t I look swell?”

  I gesture with my good hand from the cast on my right arm to the frightening metal contraption securing the pins in my right leg to the cast on my left ankle, mindful of my IV stand to avoid flinging it at the serious woman across from me. Maybe the room smells of vanilla, or almonds.

  “My head hurts,” I whisper. “They’re not giving me morphine anymore.”

  “They are, but the dose has been lowered.”

  “Too low.”

  “Jane, what’s the last thing you remember before the hospital?”

  There was a girl. There was an accident. Maybe those two sentences—those two concepts—are interdependent: there was a girl, an accident.

  “I must have been dreaming.”

  “What did you dream?”

  The doctor leans forward now, her pen clutched in the hand that lies casually in her lap. Something very antiseptic emanates from this doctor, something prim and hard that makes me wary of her. She belongs in the hospital—to this hospital—like the gowns and the screens and the bizarre sonar equipment they hook me to.