Pretending in Paradise

by M. Ullrich

  She fell back to the mattress and inched closer to Emma. Caroline needed a moment of closeness, of kindness, and Emma was there for her. Emma who was open and caring. She inched closer and rested her forehead against the back of Emma’s neck. She wrapped her arm around Emma’s waist and let the front of her body lie flush with Emma’s back. The warmth and contact offered Caroline a moment of release. She started to cry against Emma’s skin.

  “This is nice,” Emma mumbled sleepily. She pressed herself against Caroline but stopped the moment Caroline’s cries became audible. Emma flipped around and held Caroline’s face. “Are you okay? What happened?”

  Caroline started to cry harder as soon as she felt Emma’s gentle touch against her cheeks.

  “It’s okay,” Emma cooed. “You don’t have to talk.” She pulled Caroline in and held her close. She ran her fingers through her dark hair and encouraged Caroline to put her head on her shoulder.

  Caroline held on to the material of Emma’s nightshirt as she cried for ten minutes. Her sobs were hard and unrelenting. When she finally started to calm down, her eyelids grew heavy and she drifted off to sleep.

  The sun was the next thing to wake Caroline. She opened her eyes to bright light streaming through the sliding door. She had a headache, and her eyes burned from crying herself to sleep. She blinked hard as she stared up at the ceiling. The strangest detail of the moment was Emma against her side with her arm wrapped tightly around her. Caroline felt protected and safe. She peeked at the small bedside clock. Emma should’ve been up for a while now. Emma slowly traced her skin with her thumb. Caroline knew she owed her an explanation.

  “I had a bad dream,” she said quietly, not wanting to break the peaceful moment completely. She expected an immediate response from Emma, but all she noticed was how Emma’s thumb stopped moving. Caroline missed the lazy, intimate action immediately. “I used to have them a lot when I first moved away. I felt like I had abandoned my family, and I think the guilt really got to me. But the longer I was away, the more I learned they were okay without me.”

  Emma didn’t say anything, but she tightened her grip on Caroline and kissed her shoulder softly.

  Caroline smiled and drew in a deep, shaky breath. Not having to look at Emma made this conversation easier. “My brother Kyle is two years younger than me. He still lives with my parents because he’s sick. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was ten after a violent incident at school. He lost at a spelling bee and went off about it being the teacher’s fault and how he heard them talking about him.” Caroline remembered that day vividly; the looks she received when the principal pulled her out of class were lower than pity.

  “So many things became clear then,” Caroline said, shaking her head. She placed her hand over Emma’s forearm and held it, needing to know she wouldn’t leave. “He had always been a paranoid kid, but my parents thought he had an overactive imagination. It’s hard to see in a child. But he became more anxious as he got older, and sometimes he’d fall into a depression. It took Kyle trying to beat his teacher with a chair for my parents to get him help.” A single tear rolled down the side of her face. Caroline willed herself not to cry any more that morning.

  “What happened after he was diagnosed?” Emma’s morning voice was deep and delightful.

  “He’s been medicated ever since. He has good days and bad, and he’s gone off his medications a few times. That’s when he runs away. Sometimes we have to wait for the police to find him and hope he’s alive when they do.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  “He’s doing really well right now. He’s had a job for a while and hasn’t been completely dependent on my parents. My mom, on the other hand, has been having trouble.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s always worrying and waiting for the other shoe to drop. If Kyle’s doing well, she starts to act like he’s going to break at any minute. And if he’s not doing well, she treats it like he’ll be that way forever. My mom actually told me my coming back could hurt Kyle. But Ann and I were over, and I had to move out. I wanted to come home.” Caroline’s voice turned shaky.

  “I’m glad you did.”

  “You don’t have to say that.” Caroline wiped her wet eyes and stood up. She couldn’t look at Emma, not after baring herself to her. “You don’t have to say anything. I just felt like I owed you an explanation after this morning.”

  Emma sat up on her elbows. Her thin shirt stretched across her breasts, and her hard nipples were visible. She pushed strands of hair that fell from her high bun away from her eyes. “You don’t owe me an explanation, but I’m happy you told me.”

  Caroline felt her insides tighten. Emma was perfect, even in the morning. She touched her own bedhead subconsciously and said, “I’m sorry I made this weird. Whatever happened with the holding and cuddling, let’s forget it.”

  “Like we were supposed to forget the kiss?”

  “Yes. And let’s forget last night’s kiss, too. I don’t know how our boundaries got so blurred, but I’ll take responsibility for that since I’m here to specifically keep you on a professional track. So, yeah, I’m sorry.” Caroline marched toward the bathroom. She shut the door and leaned with her back against it. She dropped her face into her hands and groaned. She jumped when Emma knocked on the door. She opened it a crack and peeked out at Emma. “What?”

  “I want to brush my teeth.” Emma entered the bathroom through the small opening Caroline offered, grabbing her toothbrush from the sink. She also grabbed Caroline’s and handed it to her. They brushed their teeth together with Emma staring at Caroline in the mirror the whole time. After a final rinse, Emma turned to her with a broad smile. “Now, I’d like to say a few things, and you’re going to listen.”

  “Oh—okay?” Caroline lowered the toilet seat lid and sat down. Her knees didn’t feel strong enough for whatever Emma was about to say.

  Emma raised her index finger. “One, I think you are a very brave woman for leaving home when you did. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself first when you know you need to. Don’t ever feel guilty for that.” She raised a second finger. “Two, you shouldn’t feel bad for coming home. Having you present in his life couldn’t possibly hurt Kyle. No matter what your mother may believe.” Emma raised a third finger and waved them. “Third, I don’t want to forget about the kiss or last night or how it felt to hold you this morning. I think our boundaries are getting blurred because we want them to be.”

  Caroline made a weird sound in the back of her throat. She tried to sound disgusted but failed. “That’s ridiculous,” she said with very little conviction.

  “It’s why I proposed the date idea. I think we have a connection, and we’d be fools not to explore it while we’re here.”

  “You’re imagining a connection because we’re acting that way.” If Caroline really believed her own words, would her heart be beating so fast?

  “I was never a very good actress. You can ask my high school drama teacher.”

  “And you’re not used to not having that kind of attention while you’re away, so you’re settling for whatever you can get with me.”

  “This is definitely not settling.”

  Caroline felt small looking up at Emma from the toilet seat, and she stood to feel more confident. “Emma, it’s not going to happen. We work together—”

  “In very different departments. We may never see each other at the office again. And Travel Wisdom doesn’t have any rules against employees dating.”

  Caroline hated how Emma made everything seem so easy and possible. Caroline had cut off any budding feeling she had for Emma because it couldn’t happen. She had to shut this down once and for all. “I’m not interested in you like that. Now can we please move on and finish out this trip without any more awkwardness?”

  Emma stepped into Caroline’s space. “Sure, but first I’m going to kiss you, and I’m telling you because I want to give you enough time to stop me.” She traced
Caroline’s jaw and her throat, wrapping her hands around the back of Caroline’s neck and looking deep into her eyes. “Do you want to stop me?”

  Caroline clutched Emma’s hips, but she had no idea when she put her hands there. Not one part of her, not brain or body, wanted to stop Emma. She had felt the softness of her lips twice, and those times were merely a tease. Caroline closed the distance and brought her lips to Emma’s.

  Emma tasted of peppermint and letting go. Days of pent-up frustrations melted away as Emma bit her lower lip. Caroline moaned as her tongue caressed Emma’s, and they pressed their bodies together. Emma backed Caroline into the vanity counter. She wanted to sit on it, spread her legs and welcome Emma into her growing wetness. Caroline felt Emma reach for the hem of her shirt. The sensation of cool air on her bare abdomen put her back in the moment.

  “May I?”

  “No,” Caroline said, stilling Emma’s hands.

  Emma dropped her head on Caroline’s shoulder, breathing as heavily as Caroline. “I’m sorry,” Emma said, looking at Caroline with a lopsided smile. “I got carried away.”

  “We both did. We need to stop.”

  “If you’re going to tell me there’s not something between us or tell me you’re not interested in me after that kiss, I’m calling bullshit.”

  “I am very obviously interested,” Caroline said with a chuckle. She held Emma’s face in her hands and then dropped them to Emma’s shoulders. “I was actually going to say I like to take things slow. I’m still not sure about any of this.”

  “That’s exactly what the dates are for. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with or something you’ll regret. I’d never want to be your regret, Caroline.” Emma kissed Caroline’s cheek softly. “I feel like I’ve been dating you since we got here, and I have to admit, I want to keep dating you.”

  “That’s sweet.” Caroline laughed. “Kinda weird, but sweet.” She felt Emma’s arms and reveled a moment in the ability to do so. She had been looking at Emma’s soft skin for days and told herself she’d never get to touch it. Doing something that had been labeled as off-limits felt naughty and good. She had so many questions. “Are we trying to figure out whether we have a potential relationship brewing here? Because I remember you being pretty against relationships.”

  “Except I’m not. Relationships are hard for me because I’m away a lot, but I’m loyal. You know how I feel about cheating.” Caroline nodded, and Emma gave her another quick kiss. “You know what I do for a living, which means you won’t be surprised when I have to leave.”

  Caroline couldn’t believe her ears. Emma was talking seriously about becoming a couple and how their relationship could work. And Emma wasn’t hesitating. It was as if…

  “How long have you been thinking about this?” Caroline said, holding herself at arm’s length so she could read Emma’s face. She saw nothing but openness, honesty, and definitely a hint of arousal.

  “Since we accidentally kissed each other. Maybe before that.”

  Caroline’s stomach filled with butterflies. She forced herself to stay on task. “You can’t tell anyone about this, okay? We need to figure this out together.”

  Emma crossed her heart and held up her right hand. “What’s happening in Miami will stay in Miami. And if at the end of this trip you decide we can’t work, we’ll fly back to our lives in Jersey and our secret can stay here.”

  “Why is it my decision to make?”

  “Because I can’t imagine leaving this place and not feeling this exact same way for you when we touch down at home.”

  Caroline nearly melted on the spot. “Sweet talker.” She giggled when Emma wiggled her eyebrows. “I guess we have a deal.” She extended her hand, but Emma gripped the back of her neck and pulled her in for another heated kiss.

  Emma left Caroline wilting against the bathroom vanity. “You can have the shower first.”

  Caroline watched Emma saunter away, amazed by the amount of confidence in every step. She was definitely going to take an extra-long, extra-cold shower that morning.

  Chapter Twenty

  “This place is amazing,” Emma said with wonder, her camera practically glued to her face. She had channeled the excitement she felt all morning into their day trip to Little Havana. If Emma had harped on the constant buzz she felt within since she had kissed Caroline, she wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on anything else.

  She snapped another picture of a colorful mural. The reds and yellows added character to an already lively street. She turned and took a quick picture of Caroline before she could notice. “I would pick a little cultural hotspot like this over New York City any day.”

  “I love the roosters.” Caroline pointed to one of the many large rooster statues placed around the neighborhood.

  Emma should have bit her tongue, but instead she said, “I have a list of cock jokes to make right now, but I’m really trying to woo you with my mature side.”

  Caroline regarded her for a moment before stepping closer. “Maybe cock jokes are a direct line to my heart,” she said. She walked over to a statue and leaned against it. “Take my picture. I’ve never seen one this big.” She lowered her dark sunglasses and winked at Emma.

  Emma absolutely took Caroline’s picture. She’d want to hang on to the image of Caroline posed against a rooster forever. Caroline looked right at home with her colorful floral palazzo pants and teal tank top. A hint of cleavage peeked out from the neckline and distracted Emma from time to time. Emma checked the small screen of her digital camera and smiled at the image.

  “You’re magnificent,” she said quietly, mostly to herself.

  Caroline turned away and started down the street. “I’m surprised you haven’t complained about being hungry yet.”

  “I am hungry.” Emma jogged to catch up to Caroline. “I figured we could stroll the streets for a bit, and I’ll eat whatever jumps out at me.” Emma looked around and her eyes lit up. She pointed to a stand that advertised frozen drinks. “Or drink whatever catches my eye.”

  Caroline laughed. “It’s barely noon.”

  “And we’re on vacation, where anything goes.” She took Caroline’s hand and led her over to the stand, not letting go once they were in line. The day was hot, which would normally turn Emma off to holding hands, but everything was so new with Caroline she couldn’t get enough. “I’m going to get a virgin one so we can keep walking. Are you getting one?”

  “Can’t I just share with you?” Caroline’s large, dark eyes were visible through her sunglasses.

  Emma cursed herself for being a softie. “Of course.”

  Once Emma got the large frozen drink, she felt more energized, and they continued walking. Every now and then, she’d hold the drink out for Caroline to take a sip. Regardless of Caroline’s insistence that she could hold the drink herself, Emma never surrendered the cup. She liked watching Caroline’s lips as they reached for the straw. By the fifth time, Emma needed to taste those lips again for herself. She leaned in only to have Caroline pull back.

  “I’m sorry,” Caroline said, looking around. “I’m not really into PDA.”

  Emma looked at her, waiting for more of an explanation.

  “Public displays of affection?”

  “I know what PDA means. Have you always been against it?”

  Caroline took the fruity drink out of Emma’s hand and took a long gulp. She held the heel of her palm against her forehead and winced in pain. “Brain freeze. But yeah, pretty much. I don’t like feeling watched. As proud and out as I am, I never want a confrontation.”

  Emma respected Caroline’s feelings, but that didn’t mean she understood them. “Nobody knows us here, and I would handle any confrontation. You know that, right? I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “And don’t you think something is wrong with having to protect someone for just showing affection? I don’t like living like that. I’d rather save it for behind closed doors.”

  “Are
you happy with that?”

  Caroline shrugged and took another sip of their drink. “Better safe than sorry.”

  “But don’t you get the urge to kiss the person you’re with?” Emma took Caroline’s hand in a tight grip. “Don’t you get the urge to kiss me?”

  “I do,” Caroline said, pulling her hand back. “And I can kiss you later.”

  Emma felt the finality in Caroline’s words. She sighed and continued walking. In a desperate attempt to hang on to their fleeting closeness, Emma brought the conversation back to Caroline’s family. She had learned so much already, but she wanted to know more.

  “When was the last time you saw your family? Before you moved back, I mean.”

  “Christmas. I never missed a Christmas.”

  “That’s very nice.”

  “What about you? Please tell me something twisted about your family that’ll make me feel less like a freak.”

  Emma took the drink back and finished it off. She tossed the plastic cup into a nearby recycling can and then extended her hand. “Is hand-holding okay?”

  Caroline smiled softly and took Emma’s hand. “Yes, hand-holding is very okay.”

  “Good, because I’d like to keep touching you.” Emma walked with Caroline for another two blocks, only stopping to window-shop and to take a few pictures. After fifteen minutes passed, Emma finally gave Caroline what she wanted. “I’m not actually my dad’s kid.”

  Caroline stopped walking. “What?”

  “You heard me correctly. It’s a scandal that shook my family to its core. My grandmothers on both sides were so ashamed of my mother, and it’s why they got divorced.”

  “I thought you said they fought a lot.”

  “And now you know why they fought.” Emma studied Caroline’s open and nonjudgmental expression. Emma removed Caroline’s sunglasses. The sun highlighted flecks of amber in her brown eyes. “They wanted a baby but couldn’t get pregnant. Then one day my mom came home and, boom, she was pregnant. After everyone cheered and wanted to celebrate a miracle, my mom broke down and admitted to having an affair.” Emma caught a whiff of something spicy. A taco place across the street called to her. “I’m ready for lunch.”