Where We Belong

by Fox Brison

  “Yeah?” her tone implied incredulous scepticism.

  “Uh-huh Mrs Doubtful. Shannon and Kate were staying for the weekend and Kate went walking. When she came back she asked about them, and later that night we were enjoying a drink and the subject came up again. Kate was volunteering at a youth centre at the time. We started spit balling-”

  “Drunken spit balling is the best!” Brianna interjected.

  “Oh totally,” I agreed. The colour had almost completely returned to her cheeks and her eyes were more alive. “And thus the Free to Dream Project was born.”

  “I get my best ideas when I’m drunk too, only I can never remember them.” She laughed. “Helping the community is important to you?”

  “Community is vital to the fabric of society, don’t you think?” I questioned, interested in her views on the subject.

  “I suppose, but it’s not something I’ve experienced much. Where I’m from people tend to keep to themselves,” she chuckled, ruefully. “I don’t even know my neighbour’s name and I live in a flat!”

  “It can be like that in Dublin too, but I remembered my childhood and how idyllic it was compared to those children I was supposed to be helping. The camp isn’t just about giving them a holiday, or giving their parents a break, it’s about giving the kids a sense that they are a part of something, giving them somewhere they can come back to, even when they get older and visit… it’s a place where they feel they can belong, which you can lose quite easily in the daily grind of existence when you’re homeless.”

  “It’s a brave thing you’re doing.”

  “Not really.” I stared into the distance. “I only hope I can pull it off and don’t let anyone down.”

  “Thank you for sharing this with me, Leesh,” Brianna said, and as I looked into her eyes, brimming with sadness and joy, but ultimately with an air of peace, I realised she was becoming more important than anything else in my life.

  She was a black hole and I could no longer resist her gravitational pull.

  ***

  We lost ourselves in each other, and subsequently lost all track of time; consequently we barely had enough left to grab a quick sandwich from the garden’s café to eat in the car before collecting Brianna’s friend Sam from the airport.

  “There she is!” Brianna shouted excitedly. She headed for a short curvaceous woman whose jet black hair was tied up in a messy ponytail. Sam’s face lit up the second she caught sight of Brianna running towards her. Wearing a pair of skinny black jeans and a green bomber jacket, she was nothing like I imagined. From the way Brianna spoke, I expected someone slightly more butch I guess, but maybe it was all in the attitude.

  “Hey, wow, Brianna you look fabulous!” Sam observed.

  “It must be the mountain air” Brianna chuckled.

  "No, I’m not just talking about your appearance." Sam held Brianna at arm’s length. “I mean you look… I don’t know… serene?”

  “Okay how many did you have at the airport and on the flight?” Brianna teased before remembering I was standing three feet away like a plank. “I’m being incredibly rude! Come and meet Leesh.” Taking Sam’s hand she dragged her towards me. “Sam, meet Elisha, Elisha this is Sam.”

  “It’s great to meet you, Sam.” I smiled in welcome.

  “You too, Elisha.” Sam was either far more tactful than Shannon, or Brianna hadn’t raved about me to her bestie the way I had to mine. I could have kicked myself for being such a fool. Brianna’s straight you dope and is nothing more than a friend.

  Right?

  Right, I growled bullishly to myself.

  Chapter 25

  Elisha

  I glanced at myself in the mirror; black trousers paired with a half sleeve black and white button down shirt, I even polished my loafers. Not bad Callery, not bad at all. Spraying a little cologne and applying enough dust to my hair to keep it fixed for a few hours, I was ready and raring to go. The first person I saw when I left the bathroom was Brianna. She was sitting on the sofa with her long legs casually crossed, and I slowly drank her in.

  Lord have mercy!

  Her wavy blonde hair flowed loosely around her shoulders and seemed to have more volume, and her eyes were smoky. However, the rest of her make-up was minimal and only highlighted her natural beauty. The navy dress she wore looked as if it had been painted on, and I surreptitiously eyed her leg from the ankle with a silver bracelet encircling it, to the hem which ended at her mid-thigh. It was the perfect vehicle for her lissom body.

  And as for the heels… meow.

  “You look...” I found it hard to talk past my tongue which I’m sure was hanging out. “Incredible.” The word really didn’t do her justice.

  “Me?” she said. “What about you, Ms Dapper 2018? I’m going to have to keep my eye on you tonight because you’ll have women swarming all over you.” I blushed, and the others joined us putting an end to our mutual appreciation society meeting, which is just as well because another two minutes and I would’ve been professing my undying love, she looked that good.

  “Wine anyone?” Kate, Sam and I screwed up our noses and Shannon tutted. “Beer for the three culturally challenged.”

  “I’ll have you know,” I argued, “that my taste buds are extremely sophisticated.” And looking at Brianna they were getting more sophisticated by the minute.

  “I’ve had your spag bol,” Brianna scoffed nudging my arm. “It was complex alright!” She laughed as did everyone else.

  Maybe you can just be friends, I thought, relieved, but also disappointed.

  “Holy Mary Mother of God you ate Leesha’s cooking and lived to tell the tale?” Shannon topped up Brianna’s glass.

  Brianna took a sip and replied, “Only after downing three bottles of Gaviscon!”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” I protested.

  “No.” Placing her arms around me she pulled me towards her and kissed my cheek leaving a hint of cherry behind. “Not bad at all.” I wouldn’t be a sap and touch where her tender yet luscious pink lips had met my skin…

  But my God, I wanted to.

  ***

  An hour later we hit the first bar. I hadn’t been out for… let’s put it this way, if I was part of Alfred Kinsey’s study he would have classed me as ‘group X.’ For the past twelve months my sole focus had been the Free to Dream Project, my father, and finally the farm. So I intended to let loose and be myself again for one. Precious. Night.

  The Sugar Hut was rocking. There were a lot of new faces I didn’t recognise, as well as the old stalwarts that I did. Some of them I knew intimately, others less so. It was three degrees in here; no not the nineteen sixties girl band – three degrees of lesbian separation. One player in particular, Sandra, made a bee line straight for Brianna. I wouldn’t say she was my competition because I didn’t play that game. Sandra, however? Her reputation was less than stellar.

  “If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me,” she paused, “on the dance floor?” Placing herself between me and Brianna was mistake number one and mistake number two was that cheesy chat up line. Number three? Oh that was putting her grubby little hand on Brianna’s thigh.

  “She doesn’t want to dance,” I snarled in no uncertain terms. Sandra tipped the ridiculous pork pie hat she was wearing and went on her way. “Who does she think she is, Kate Moennig? Oooh look at me, I’m uber sexy and have that androgynous edge and I wear stupid hats thinking I’m cool.” I was quite proud of how I handled the situation but from Brianna’s flashing eyes and tensing jaw, I’d say she was less than impressed.

  “Elisha, I love to dance and can decide for myself if I want to or not,” she expressed in a tone which indicated I should mind my own business.

  But I’d had enough alcohol to laugh in the face caution. “I know that, I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.” Sam and Kate found the exchange highly amusing, but not as amusing as Shannon who almost peed herself.

  “The wrong idea?” Brianna arched
one eyebrow. So that was particularly sexy. “I know you’re worried about me, Elisha, and it’s sweet, but I can look after myself. I’m a big girl. Plus, do you honestly believe I’ve never danced with a woman before?”

  No, I don’t because you’re meant to be straight for fucks sake! The truth was if Brianna was going to dance with a lesbian tonight that lesbian was going to be me! “Jesus, if you’re that desperate for a spin, I’ll dance with you.” I could think of a hell of a lot worse ways to spend the night.

  I wasn’t disappointed.

  Damn, Brianna moved well. Supple. Sensual. Sexy as fuck. Despite the heat, my hard nipples rubbed against my shirt, especially when she turned her back and my hands found her hips as she swayed… it was torture and I was converted to masochism.

  Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?

  She leaned closer and I honest to goodness thought that this was it, that this was the moment when Brianna gave into her primal urges and did what I dreamed she had wanted to do ever since we laid eyes on each other. I shut my eyes and puckered up.

  This time I was disappointed.

  “I’m going for a drink, but I believe someone else wants to put her name down on your dance card.” I was all set to protest but Sam was already standing next to us. “Have fun.” Brianna waved as she made her way back to Kate and Shannon.

  “You don’t mind?” Sam smiled hesitantly and I moved quickly to ease her anxieties.

  “God no,” I ensured. However, when the DJ segued from Pink into ‘My Heart Must Go On?” Awwwkward, and not because it was the start of a Celine Dion cheesefest. It was one of those moments when you’re not quite sure if you should walk away with a shamefaced grin, or take the girl in your arms-

  Sam made the decision for me and stepped into my embrace.

  I wasn’t expecting it and yet it felt good to hold a hot woman, a hot available woman at least, in my arms. It had been a while. She smelled nice, her perfume was a suggestion rather than an atomic cloud. A few slow songs later we walked back to the table, my hand on the small of her back. It fit, but didn’t feel like it was meant to.

  “Shots!” Kate cried.

  “Oh God no, my wife is drunk. I blame you!” Shannon aimed an accusing finger at me.

  “Moi?” I pointed to my chest, incredulous. “I’ve been dancing for the last hour, how could it possibly be my fault?”

  “It just is! The last time she tied one on was at your birthday. The time before that was your Halloween party when you coerced her into trying jelly shots.”

  “Jello shots,” I corrected laughing.

  “Whatever. Are we seeing a chain of causation?”

  “Ooohhh she’s getting out the big guns, Leesh, caur core oh whatever!” Kate grabbed her wife around the waist. “I love you, you know that, right?”

  “I love you too, but neither of us are going to love hungover grumpy gru Kate in the morning.”

  I was glad of the banter because, truthfully, I was feeling like a heel. The depth of emotions that I held for Brianna was scary. In addition, confusing matters was her gorgeous single lesbian friend who was making my inner hound sit up and bark ‘woof, yes please.’

  I gave a heartfelt groan of resignation. Shannon caught my eye with a perplexed frown and I smiled reassuringly. Nothing was ever going to happen between Brianna and I because although we gelled in most areas of our lives, seamlessly fitting together like twins, in the most important we were oil and water. Straight and gay.

  And never the twain shall meet…

  Chapter 26

  Brianna

  The following morning once Kate had partially recovered (a full Irish chased by three large glasses of water and two ibuprofen did the trick) we made our way into the city centre to do the touristy bit, visiting the Guinness Brewery first and then Dublin Castle. It was interesting and would have been fun had it not been for the fact I may as well have been invisible.

  Sam and Elisha were joined at the hip the entire time.

  Gentle little touches, whispering in the ear, the odd occasion when Sam would lean over Elisha to peek at something in an exhibit case… she was displaying subtle mating signals and Elisha? Well she was responding equally as delicately. A guiding hand on the small of Sam’s back, a lean sideways to nudge her…

  Christ.

  I couldn’t take any more of their carrying on. It was like we’d regressed to high school and they were fumbling through the first stages of crushitis, hiding the symptoms with hints and starry gazes. If they started passing notes I might throw up; in fact I was sure I’d already borne that little tell-tale sign of bile in my mouth. It was nauseating. It had started the night before. When Elisha and I had finished dancing, all I wanted was to lean over and kiss her soft lips… but then Sam was there readying to take over, and I ducked and covered, trying to regain some semblance of poise. I’d watched them slow dance for an age, and with every passing minute…

  As much as I hated to admit it, I was suffering a severe case of jealous bitchitis.

  “Hey, guys,” I interrupted their giggles.

  “Hey, Bri.” Elisha raised her eyebrows. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing, I’m off to the hospital.”

  “Is it that time already?” Elisha glanced down at her watch in surprise.

  “Time flies when you’re having fun,” Sam chirped, giving Elisha a wink.

  Dear. Fucking. God. I’ve died and gone to Lesbian Flirting Hell. “It does,” I agreed. “I’ll see you back at Kate and Shannon’s.”

  “I thought I was coming with you?” Elisha said.

  “Me too,” agreed Sam.

  “No, it’s alright, you guys go to the art museum and enjoy yourself.” It took all my strength not to say it through gritted teeth.

  “Are you sure?” Elisha wasn’t convinced, but Sam was already nodding in accordance.

  “One thing about our Bri, she always says what she means!” Sam laughed.

  “Yep, that’s me, honest as the day is long.” Except when it comes down to what really matters. “I’ll see you later.” I waved and walked away, a lump forming in my throat. I didn’t know why but it grew and grew until finally I ducked into a side alley.

  And bawled my eyes out.

  I held my hand to my mouth as all the stress and hurt lurking deep in my soul was released. Wiping my tears on the sleeve of my jacket, I pulled myself together and headed back into the main street. I honestly believed Elisha would come running after me and it stung that she didn’t. Jesus Christ, for once in your life be truthful, Bri.

  It killed that she didn’t.

  ***

  I walked along the Liffey, reluctant to return to Molly’s where we were meeting before going out to dinner. I pulled the collar of my coat higher and tighter around my neck. Hearing random church bells peeling in the distance, I could procrastinate no longer.

  Opening the door to the pub my cold cheeks tingled as I was hit by a wall of heat. Everyone else was already there, and I acknowledged their presence with a nod and perfunctory smile, not that my BFFs rushed to say hello.

  “What can I get you?”

  I hadn’t noticed the barmaid approach. “Large white wine, please,” I ordered politely. I was going to need it, and several more besides. My mood had barely improved since Elisha dropped me like a sack of bricks.

  “Any particular one, love?” she asked.

  “The Chablis, thanks.” Once I held the glass in my hand I took several swift gulps without pause.

  “Hey, Brianna, how’d you get on?” Elisha called from her seat.

  Like you give a shit. “Fine.”

  “What took you so long? Did you get lost? I tried calling,” she persisted.

  Christ, will you shut the fuck up! I didn’t want to share my afternoon dislike with the whole pub! I went over and sat down next to her. “I saw the solicitor too. She kindly agreed to meet me after I’d been to the hospital.”

  “Any joy?” she asked.

  “No, the guy who
handled my adoption was long gone, and the daughter of his former partner, who runs the firm nowadays, couldn’t help because all of their old records in storage were destroyed by a flood several years ago.”

  “Ready for another?” Kate asked. She was much brighter – it’s amazing what the hair of the dog could do. I was more than ready and replied in the affirmative, but Elisha and Sam were too caught up in each other to even hear the question.

  I felt let down.

  I knew this weekend wasn’t all about me, but Elisha had insisted she come to the cemetery, and made an emphatic point of saying she wanted to help me find out more about Maggie. However, once I absolved her of those responsibilities she couldn’t have cared less about Maggie – or me.

  As the night flowed quickly from one drink to another I began to feel like the fifth wheel, and I was quickly edging towards maudlin. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m normally only this hormonal when I’m due my period. But it was obvious when I thought about it. For the last few weeks I had been the centre of Elisha’s attention; she was so keen to help me through this painful time, but when I needed her the most she was too busy eye fucking Sam.

  What made it worse is that I felt guilty as well as jealous.

  I should be wishing them the best, but all I could think was that I wanted Sam gone and Elisha and I back home. Just before closing, Kate suggested going to the club, but I declined and headed back to the flat. No one tried hard to persuade me otherwise, and not for the first time I felt incredibly lonely…

  I watched Sam lean into Elisha as they hurried down the street. Spoilt brat, I scolded myself. They’re your best friends. You should be happy for them.