Where We Belong

by Fox Brison

  “No. It’s. No.” Fuck it. Let the cards lie where they fall, I have to know. “Bridget, was your maiden name O’Shea?”

  “Yes. Why?” She was startled by the strange segue.

  I gulped and probably whitened even more. I didn’t say anything and took a sip of my tea, evasion tactics because my heart was racing. Confirmation. I had it in spades, so what was I waiting for? Elisha. I kept repeating it in my head. Elisha.

  “I appreciate I’m not your granny,” Bridget moved seat and was beside me, “but you and Elisha feel like granddaughters to me.” She was speaking but I was barely listening. I flinched when she reached out a hand to comfort me. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “You are,” I said abruptly.

  “I am what?” she asked with a confused smile. She took a bite of her scone and waited. I wouldn’t say with bated breath because she was completely clueless as to the bomb I was about to drop. I let her finish eating before answering. I didn’t want her to choke.

  “You are. My granny. At least I think.” Her eyes widened when I retrieved my own box from the sideboard. I handed her the picture, the letter, and finally the book of fairy tales. Her hands were trembling as she read the letter. Then she scanned the photo and finally me.

  She grabbed both my hands. “Oh Brianna!” There were tears of genuine joy in her eyes. “Pat and I gave Ann this book before she went to Dublin. She had the same one when she was little.” She looked up from it and at me. “I don’t understand, Brianna. Where is she? Why didn’t she come home with you?”

  “Oh… well.” Shit. Impatient Brianna. I should have waited but Bridget had been in the dark for long enough, I couldn’t be a selfish coward and leave her hanging any longer. She deserved to know what had happened to her only child. “I’m very sorry, Bridget. Maggie… I mean Ann, died giving birth to me.”

  Bridget welled up again, this time in sorrow. “Deep down inside we always knew she was gone. When she first moved to Dublin she wrote every week. The last letter we received said she had a job caring for a wonderful couple’s three children and they were going to America, and they wanted her to follow on. After that there was nothing. Pat and I went up to try and find her but there was no sign. The Gardai got involved but it was like she fell off the face of the earth.”

  “She used the name Maggie O’Shea for the adoption and hospital,” I elucidated.

  “That explains that then. We kept searching but the strain became too much. I hoped that one day she’d come walking through the door. Now at least we know.” She hitched a sob. “We don’t even have a grave for her.”

  “We do,” I said quietly. “She’s buried in Glasnevin Cemetery. I visited it with Elisha when we went up to Dublin at the beginning of May. I put flowers down for her.” Bridget’s eyes were glassy and sad. I wished I could have erased that expression, but nothing ever would. There was a truth often spoken that parents should never outlive their children, and Bridget was living proof of precisely how valid that truth was.

  “Can you tell me about her?” I asked.

  “Ann was like the wind, so she was, you couldn’t tame her.” Bridget smiled softly in remembrance. “And she played the fiddle like the very devil himself, free, joyous. She was our world but we wouldn’t keep her chained here in a life she didn’t want, watching someone else live the one she did want, but couldn’t have.”

  “Why did she leave?” I poured us both another cup of tea.

  “She had her heart broken.”

  “I see.” I paused, thinking on this. It made sense. “My parents only knew Maggie, well Ann’s, name and age. She didn’t tell them anything else you see.”

  She sniffed and pulled her hanky from the sleeve of her cardigan, dabbing at her eyes. “I don’t understand why she lied about her name? I don’t understand why she didn’t come home if she was in trouble!” There was such regret in her words, but the questions were rhetorical because how would I know? “Never mind. What’s done is done. And now we have you. At least, I hope we have you?” She was nervously twisting her cotton handkerchief.

  I put my hand on top of hers. “Of course,” I said putting an end to her doubts.

  For a second the world was right. For a second, happiness was like a helium balloon lifting me high above the hills. I had parents who loved me, a girlfriend who rocked my world, and now grandparents. What more did I need?

  “I’m guessing the reason she didn’t contact you had something to do with my dad. Was he the one who broke her heart?” I asked softly. The thought had been running through my head since it was first mentioned.

  “Guessing? You don’t know who your daddy is?” she asked slowly.

  “No. I was hoping you could help me on that score.”

  And that’s when the balloon burst.

  The colour drained so quickly from Bridget’s face it scared me. “I… I need to go. I… I… Sean will be coming for me. I need to see Patrick.”

  “Biddy?” Maybe it was delayed shock and the fact that her daughter was dead was just hitting her. “What is it?” I kept my voice soft and compassionate because she was now the peaky one.

  “Have you told anyone else?” she asked her voice nervous and piercing.

  “No, not even Elisha.”

  “Oh thanks be to God.” She made the sign of the cross. “Brianna, you can’t tell anyone, do you hear me? Not another living soul.”

  “I don’t understand-”

  “For God’s sake can you honestly…” she flustered. “Pat is as weak as a day old kitten. If he hears about this it could kill him.” She gave her watch a cursory glance. “I have to go, Sean will be waiting. Not another living soul, Brianna,” she warned and flew out of the door.

  What the fuck was going on?

  Chapter 48

  Brianna

  “Hey, Bri, did you see the quotes for the electrician?” Dom asked.

  “Hmm?” I’d made it into work, and had spent the last three hours behind my desk playing musical papers, shifting one invoice to this pile, one receipt to the other, a schedule here, the architect’s report there.

  “Quotes?” he repeated.

  “I had them a minute ago,” I replied.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yes fine. Here you go. Declan put in a good quote, not the best, but we know him and he’s reliable. I’d like the electrical points finished no later than the fifteenth.” Dom nodded and exited the portacabin on his phone, whilst I returned to blithely doing nothing, yet blindly panicking inside.

  My brain was stuck on a fourteen hundred spin cycle and in it was a pair of jeans with a pocket full of loose coins.

  Why had Bridget’s mood changed so rapidly? I felt like a Disney princess cursed with a terrible secret. Was she ashamed of me or her daughter? Elisha had explained the stigma attached to unmarried mothers but the world had changed since then. Speaking of Elisha… I turned and stared down at my smartphone lying on the desk. That had also been moved from pillar to post over the course of the morning. I’d left several messages and willed it to ring for the hundredth time this hour alone.

  Just. Bloody. Ring.

  But my powers of persuasion were evidently non-existent.

  You fucking idiot, Bri. I should have told Elisha the minute I found the letters. I loved her. I trusted her. I don’t know what stopped me. Suddenly a part of the conversation with Biddy flashed into my brain… Have you told anyone..? No, not even Elisha… oh thanks be to God.

  I grimaced. Why Elisha specifically? Hearing voices I glanced out of the window. Dominic was in the newly tarmacked car park speaking with his dad. Sean. Hold up a minute. I bit my bottom lip, grabbed my hard hat and high viz jacket, and went outside.

  “Hi, Sean, I thought you were taking Biddy to the hospital?”

  “So did I, but she phoned and said something had come up. It must be important to cancel a visit to Pat.” That was it, enough was enough. I wanted answers and by God Bridget was going to give them to me whether she liked it
or not. I might even kill two birds with one stone and find Elisha while I was it.

  I went to get my keys and – shit. Elisha had the car. By the time I borrowed Dom’s truck…

  I’d walk. It would give me time to compose myself. The afternoon breeze was exactly what I needed to soothe my reddened cheeks, but not my temper.

  ***

  “Do you know what this means,” I heard Bridget’s voice from inside as I approached the cottage. The windows were wide open and to be honest, I was surprised they hadn’t heard her down in the valley.

  “Ann was pregnant, yes I understand.” It wasn’t Elisha, it was Elisha’s father Mick, and he sounded exasperated. Apparently I was in good company.

  “Do you, Michael. Do you? Because she’s down there playing happy families with Elisha.”

  “Ann?” Exasperation had given way to scepticism… mixed with a healthy dash of incredulity.

  “No, Ann’s daughter.”

  “Wait. I.” There was silence and I could practically hear the cogs turning. “God bless us and save us!” The anguish in his voice was palpable and I peeked through the window. He had his head in his hands and looking up towards Biddy, he began shaking it, slowly. “She can’t be, Biddy, she can’t!” What bastards! Elisha was better off without the two of them. Fuck Gloshtrasna, London was definitely calling.

  “I’m afraid it can be Michael, and more importantly, it is. Brianna’s your daughter,” Biddy said starkly.

  What? I replayed Biddy’s last sentence. Brianna’s your daughter.

  Michael Callery had broken Ann Doran’s heart.

  Michael Callery was my father.

  Michael Callery was Elisha’s… oh God… he was Elisha’s father.

  No! The word screamed over and over inside me. I stumbled backwards and away from the window. “No, no, no…” I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see.

  I ran.

  I ran as fast as I could until my insides burned. I stopped at the side of the road and vomited. Slumping down onto the ditch, wretchedness stabbed into my chest like a knife being twisted over and over again.

  Battling to my feet, and it was a battle because I wanted to curl up into a ball and wake up somewhere and someone else, I ran again until I found myself on the mountain trail. I took it and headed north. After an hour’s tough hike in extremely unsuitable attire, I stood on top of the mountain and screamed. I howled. I cried until I was hoarse.

  It didn’t make me feel any better.

  For the first time in my life I wanted to step out into the beyond. I looked into the greying sky and tried to find a chink of light. Instead it began to hailstone.

  The sharp sting of ice may have reminded me I was still breathing, but I remained dead inside. I sat down and dangled my feet over the ledge. It would be so simple, one little shuffle forward and it would be over. Elisha would grieve but neither of us would have to live with the shame, nor the disgust roiling through my veins. The clouds raced across the heavens, the wind whipping my hair across my face. The initial shockwave of utter devastation slowly washed over me and my brain clicked into gear.

  First job, slow your heart Closing my eyes, I made a conscious effort to breathe deeply. My heart, although fissured into seven shards, regulated its beat.

  Second, open your eyes. They remained tightly closed. Come on, Bri you can do this. Gradually the light entered and I heaved a huge sigh before staring out towards the lough.

  Where I saw the most magnificent rainbow dipping its toe into the silvery waters of the lough. I could do this. I could survive.

  I heard Biddy’s voice echoing through the chasm below me, and another tear opened in my heart. Poor woman! Her emotional state must be worse than mine, and that was some going. She had faced the loss of her daughter, gained a granddaughter, and then lost her again, all in a matter of hours. Michael? It’s weird. I saw absolutely no resemblance whatsoever in my face and his. The Doran genes must be dominant.

  And Elisha. The person I loved above all else. She was the only one who made sense of my life. One kiss and she brightened my world.

  Now there was darkness.

  Usually when you lost the person you loved, you had memories to sustain you. I didn’t have that, not without an accompanying sickening to the stomach. I held my hand to my mouth hoping to physically hold back the sob of anguish that ripped through my body. Bridget was right. I had to keep this to myself. Elisha would no doubt hate me, but it was better than suffering complete repugnance for a love that hours before brought nothing but happiness and joy.

  Daughter. Sister. Lover.

  I lifted my head to the sky, and screamed again.

  Chapter 49

  Elisha

  Surprises rock. However, there’s a fine line when it comes to them, one that’s very easy to trip up over if you’re not careful.

  Sometimes they rock in a bad way. Your uncle and aunt turning up when the house is a pigsty, you haven’t showered for two days, and are hungover. They thought it would be a nice surprise, you thought fucking nightmare.

  But most of the time they rock in a good way. At least that’s the way I tried to look at life. The twenty euro note you find in your jeans pocket on laundry day, the Twix you discover hiding at the back of the cupboard when you’re desperate for a chocolate fix.

  Brianna and I had showered together that morning and I’d scrubbed the cottage from top to bottom. We were both as sober as judges so I was pretty this surprise would be well received.

  This plan had been fermenting from the moment Brianna decided she no longer needed to finish Maggie’s story. She had mentioned several times her family’s struggles with her initial decision to learn more about her parentage, and I recalled her guilt when she confessed she may have ruined her relationship with her father in particular. Perhaps this would start healing wounds and help bridge the gap that had opened up between them.

  I recognised Noel McAteer the instant he walked through arrivals at the airport, which was quite the surprise on account of the whole adoption thing. There was something to be said about nurture because Brianna shared quite a few of her adopted Dad’s mannerisms.

  I couldn’t wait to get home and see the expression on her face.

  Last night she appeared almost melancholic, and even though she assured me this morning that everything was fine, I knew her, and something was weighing heavily on her mind. Hopefully having her parents here would put the smile back on her face.

  This weekend was to signal the start of new beginnings. Brianna and her parents. Our relationship. Also I wanted to show off my girlfriend’s wonderful talents. (I sniggered. Not those talents, Leesh!) Even without the landscaping finished, the camp was a vision.

  It was going to be a celebration.

  I grinned like a goofy idiot, and hoped that the McAteers didn’t think I was a complete dope. Everything was organised. First up dinner with her family, which would be followed by a romantic walk down to the lough where I would present Brianna with my grandma’s Claddagh ring. We may not have been together for long, but our relationship was built on a solid foundation of friendship, love, and loyalty, precisely what the Claddagh stood for.

  “Hey… Bri, honey… I’m ho-ome,” I sang and beamed joyously. I’d always wanted to do that. “Shit.” I tripped over Brianna’s cases which were lurking inside the door. My pulse immediately quickened. “Bri?” I repeated nervously. There can’t have been a family emergency because they’re hot on my heels.

  “I’m sorry,” Brianna entered the front room and she was wearing her good coat. Funny what you notice in times of panic. “I… I have to go.”

  “Have to go? Go where?” I knew she was speaking to me but it could have been in Swahili because the words made absolutely no sense.

  “Brianna, darlin’!” Her mum swept past me.

  “Mum?” Brianna gasped. “What are you doing here?” Bernadette wrapped her arms around her daughter whilst I watched on.

  “Elisha inv
ited us over,” she explained.

  “She did?” Brianna turned to me, her body language displaying nothing but aggravation, yet there was turbulence in her eyes. “Why did you do that?” It was a stark contrast of conflicting emotions. What was she hiding?

  “You suggested going home for the weekend but were too busy, so I thought it would be a nice surprise,” I said calmly. “Your Mum and Dad can see the fabulous job you’ve done with the camp-”

  “You had no right!” she interrupted hotly. “Don’t you think I should have been consulted? I thought you knew me, Elisha!” she spat viciously. “Clearly I was wrong.”

  “I don’t know you?” I asked, hurt by the accusation. Last night she had been waxing lyrical about how well I did know her – in every sense of the word. I reached for her but she was too far away. That was a complete departure too; even before we hooked up Brianna had a loose grasp on the meaning of personal space.

  “I’m leaving, Elisha. My parents being here won’t stop me,” she said coldly.

  “Leaving?” I kept repeating what she said in the vain hope I might begin to understand. It hadn’t worked so far.

  “What’s going on?” Brianna’s dad was peering worriedly between the two of us.

  “Christ, I haven’t a clue.” I raked my hands through my hair. Dear God, this was getting worse by the minute. “Wait, just wait!” I cried out and then took a deep breath. I had to get to the bottom of what was making Brianna act so out of character, then and only then could we hope to get to the bottom of it.

  Together. Hopefully.

  I didn’t want fear and panic to talk for me, you had very little control once those two emotions took over so I proceeded carefully. “Brianna, I love you. Whatever’s happening we can fix-” I reached for her again.

  And she leapt back, seemingly repulsed by the very idea of my touch. “That’s the thing, Elisha. I don’t love you.” Her words were like ice and I was starting to go numb from frostbite or maybe shock, either was possible. She turned and ran from the cottage.

  I gawped at her parents standing like statues. “I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry,” I stammered the apology and hurriedly followed after Brianna, but once outside there was no sign of her. The car was still parked where I’d left it, and I couldn’t see her heading up the lane. I spun around and spotted her retreating figure racing across the back field. Jesus she was whippet quick. I drank in the night air. I wasn’t worried because I knew exactly where she was going.