by Fran Louise
There was no real conscious decision to be made. I closed my eyes and breathed the scent of him. My wandering hand inched across his hip, past that smooth, unyielding and yet sensitive skin over his groin. His hair tickled the soft skin on my palm. I felt his penis flinch against my hand, the appendage waking independently from its owner. I smiled at this, teasing him with light fingers.
His legs shifted. He eased into a straighter position. His body turned towards me, the movement as natural and instinctive as a plant moving towards the sun. I accommodated him by making a little space in the middle of the bed, but my focus was elsewhere. His eyes were still closed, his handsome features relaxed and his mind only semi-conscious. Now, I could see the full glory of his naked body in the unflinching light of the morning and my breath caught. The daylight cast shadows across his body’s valleys and ridges. He was very, very hard already. My body answered with a swift and callous throb right at the apex of my thighs.
Unable to resist, I licked his neck and chest. I tasted the skin, slightly salty with sweat. My lips trailed a slow path down his flat stomach, enjoying every slight stir he made. All the while my hand drew careful and predatory circles around his groin and his thighs. The covers shifted and eased under his awakening. An artless groan rumbled in his chest. My mouth closed around his erection in a slow slide. As though he’d been punched in the stomach, he flinched, bent in the middle and gasped aloud. When I looked up, his eyes were wide open, so dark they seemed to be absorbing the light.
“I thought I was dreaming.” He fell back. “God, I … what are you doing to me?”
I smiled, easing my hands up his chest. I felt tiny rivets of sensation appearing all across his body. His erection jerked against my sensitive breasts; I eased down again and took him back in my mouth.
The breath left him as though he were plummeting down into a crevasse. He covered his brow with his hands, another groan grating against the still morning. I reveled in the feel of his hardness, and more keenly, in the power I had over him. He’d awoken with a false start but now he was rendered utterly incapable of resisting. I eased my mouth slowly up and down his shaft, teasing him and drawing out the pleasure. It wasn’t until he finally reached down and hauled me up against him that I realized he’d endured more than he could take.
He flipped me over, his body rearing up on top. He was panting; like he’d stopped running, he rested for a moment and considered me with dark rapacity. He didn’t kiss me. He didn’t even try to move to touch me. The moment throbbed between us. I could feel an acute thread of sharp longing tearing through me like a sore nerve. He was – adjusting, I decided. Trying to regain control. Had I disoriented him?
Then his head lowered. Surprisingly, he didn’t kiss me. He rested his head in the soft valley of my breasts for a moment, and breathed, slowly and almost gratefully. My heart beat with such a heavy thud that I thought I might actually have an attack of some sort. The blood seemed to pulse in my neck erratically. Emotion was coming off him in waves. It was enveloping me. When he lifted his head; his gaze was so tender on me that I felt the world dissolving away around me. My body seemed to melt away, too, until it was just Nathan. I existed solely in the thrall of the tension between us.
“I love you.”
At first I wasn’t sure who had said it. I wasn’t even sure anyone had actually uttered the words, or whether it had sprung out of the ether between us. It was as if emotion had forged our souls together and evoked the phrase from nothing. Then I felt a spurt of moisture behind my eyes and I realized what that meant.
“I love you, too.”
He kissed me now. It was a gentle touch, no more than a breath, a promise. His head dipped and he wrapped me in his arms, cocooning me in his welcome weight. I slid my limbs around him. If I could have climbed inside of him at that very moment, I would have. I’d never felt closer to another human being, ever. I’d never known it was possible to experience this level of wholeness, a sense of being one. I felt his heart beat against my chest, and then wondered if it was actually my own. I felt so fused to him it could have been one and the same.
“We’re having a baby,” he said.
I buried my face in his strong neck. It was strange, but I felt like I’d been waiting for him to say those words ever since I’d told him about the pregnancy. Or rather, it wasn’t the words, but the emotion behind them. There was a sense of unity threading through them. We were having a baby. Not just me, but us. We were in it together.
He lifted his head. He was smiling now. His eyes searched my face as though he were seeing me for the first time. There was a long pause. “I’m also really, really glad,” he said, his voice low, “that you came to your senses over the no-sex rule.”
Humor pulled the figurative rug out from under my feet. “Who says I have?”
“Well, I’d say waking up to find my erection in your mouth is a bit of a giveaway.” He kissed me slowly. “I thought I was going to have a heart attack.” He released a laugh on a slow breath. “But what a way to go… Now you know how to get rid of me if you ever want to.”
I didn’t want to. I would never want to, I knew, as I continued to meet his warm, heady gaze. There was no question remaining in my mind that he would be in my life for as long as either of us existed. As he eased his body against me again, I wondered how to express that to him. He was still rock hard; his expression settled, his features tensing as he slotted his hips snugly inside mine. It seemed the brief confessional interlude was over, so I tossed the complicated emotion aside. I closed my eyes and focused on the much simpler escapist sensation of pure desire.
The sound of the doorbell was a unwelcome surprise to both of us. He cursed; he flailed an arm across to the bedside table and grabbed his watch.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s after eleven.” Humor warmed his eyes again.
My jaw slackened. I hadn’t slept until after eleven since college. Probably not even then.
He tossed the watch away, and uttered a not-very-generous comment towards the innocent bell-ringer. “If it’s urgent they’ll ring again,” he said. His mouth dipped and he caught mine in another light kiss.
I warmed like kindling under a desert breeze. It took just the slightest shift in his hips for my desire to explode again. A guttural sound emanated from deep in my throat. I slid my legs up the length of his, burrowing him deep between my thighs. I felt his arousal kick up a gear. His body tensed. He moved against me, positioning his body to join with mine. I gasped against his neck and I felt the tip of his erection graze against my sensitive folds.
The doorbell rang again. This time his curse practically singed the air. “Who the hell is this? No one knows I’m here except you,” he grated.
I laid my head back on the pillows and blew out some breath, as though trying to deflate the tension in my body. He was already easing away from me. With all of my might I wanted to cajole him into staying, but I realized the moment was lost. He was distracted, sitting up and gathering his wits. I let my arms fall to my side, my body becoming slack.
I sat up as he padded over to the bathroom, watching him. His naked body was glorious in motion; I could have lain here all day and watched the wonderful warring of the lean muscles and firm skin. I took in his distracted profile as he pulled on a pair of shorts from a drawer; I felt an overwhelming urge to cry again. It wasn’t a sad feeling at all. I was happy. Happiness was pouring through me and over the edges and streaming all across my consciousness. It slipped in through the cracks and ridges and the places I’d long forgotten existed. It seemed to revitalize my whole being: mind, body and spirit. I stared at him, helpless.
He stood and exhaled as he considered me. His gaze was dark and yet luminous at the same time. There was a predatory hunger at its core. “Don’t move a muscle.” His low tone was warm but serious. “I want you exactly there, like that, when I come back.” His eyes ran the gamut of my relaxed pose, the sheet only just covering one breast. “I haven’t
even remotely finished with you yet.”
I took an involuntary breath.
His grin was slow, but abruptly replaced by a frown as the doorbell sounded again. “Goddamn it ... I’ll get rid of them and be right back.”
I lay back as he paced from the room. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the moment; the warm sheets; the quiet sound of Nathan’s bare feet on the wooden stairs as he ascended. I had a sudden urge for coffee. In fact, I was ravenous! I wanted freshly squeezed orange juice, and eggs! I wanted a shower. Strike that – I wanted a long, leisurely soak in that massive tub, and I wanted Nathan in there with me. I smiled. I wouldn’t do any work today, I decided. Today was about Nathan, and about exploring this strange new development in our relationship.
He loved me. I covered my face with my hands like a hysterical teenager. He loved me! There had been no mistaking the kind of love he’d been referring to. It hadn’t been similar in sentiment to the steady and loyal emotion we’d shared for so long – or at least, until recently. It hadn’t been a flighty, lust-filled declaration, either. It had been pure, and raw, and his voice had trembled with the power of it. My hands slid to my side as I contemplated this. My heart beat like a bass drum in my chest. I had no idea what this meant. It was bound to be an emotional rollercoaster if Nathan had anything to do with it, but I planned to cling on for dear life until we worked it out.
A noise on the stairs alerted me someone else’s presence. Disquiet erupted in my chest like disturbed sediment. I heard heels clicking on the wood. A woman? Was she coming up the stairs? I sat up and clutched the sheet to my shoulders. I looked around the room for something to put on, but all I could see was my red dress lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. My eyes fled to the open doorway as the sound of heels rapping came closer. Surely Nathan wasn’t going to let someone into the room while I was in here, naked? What was he thinking?
I heard his voice over the rapping sound. “Jennifer, don’t go in there.” His voice was so sharp it sliced through the air, clear and threatening. He sounded as angry now as he’d been yesterday in the park when we’d quarreled. The sediment mushroomed again, billowed and obscured my mental clarity. My body went into red-alert.
Yesterday he’d been at the end of his wits. I realized that now. So who the hell was this Jennifer person and why had she elicited that response from him?
“Jennifer, I’m telling you: if you go into that room-”
Like a deer caught in the headlights, I froze as a dark-haired woman rounded the doorway. She was tall, slim, and pretty. She wore a thick wool coat in black, and heeled boots. Her hair was down, and long. She looked … a bit like me. That bizarre thought swirled around with another million disjointed and random observation and questions in my head.
Who was this woman and why was she standing in the doorway staring at me as though she’d seen a ghost?
Chapter Nine
I decided to have a shower. I wasn’t sure what awaited me downstairs but I had no illusions about spending the rest of the day in bed anymore. I dried my hair and dressed carefully, keeping an eye on the clock. My stomach felt like it was in the middle of a gymnastic workout. It was only when I was satisfied that I looked fully composed that I exited the safe confines of the bedroom. I paused at the door to give the rumpled bed a final glance. My chest constricted.
I could hear Nathan’s voice in the kitchen when I arrived on the downstairs landing. He was sitting at the island counter. He seemed to be alone. My eyes did a discreet one-eighty, taking in the late morning mist outside in the decked garden and the empty breakfast table. The surfaces gleamed, untouched. The place still seemed like a show house, as though everything was part of a set from a movie. I wondered for a second if I’d imagined that woman bounding up those stairs and crashing into the bedroom.
I turned to stare at Nathan again. He was wrapping up his call, his words flowing over me like clear, bubbling water. I couldn’t quite contain them in my hands. I felt like everything was slipping through the fingers of my concentration.
“You’re dressed,” he said when the call had ended. His tone held a note of surprise, maybe regret.
I nodded. My heart beat in my throat. “Who was that?” I asked.
He tossed the phone into an empty crystal fruit bowl. It clattered but didn’t break. “My lawyer.”
“Not on the phone,” I said. “I mean – who was that upstairs. The woman?”
His eyes narrowed. I could see that he was reacting to the thread in my tone; it was a metallic thread and it left a taste in my mouth like blood. He got up and moved towards me. To his credit, he was sensitive enough to my mood to stop a good meter away and lean against the counter. He was wearing sweatpants now but his chest was still bare, and he crossed powerful arms in front of it. “Her name’s Jennifer Gandy. She’s a music executive. Her family owns Gandy Records.”
I processed this information, even if it didn’t answer my question. I knew Gandy Records – they had been around for a long time and had represented many famous acts. This woman had to be like royalty in Nathan’s world; I could only imagine the power a label like Gandy had over even a longstanding and best-selling band like Nathan’s.
I could feel my limbs stiffening like they were being slowly filled with liquid concrete. I could feel a sense of the solidifying process to come. A nerve in my neck jangled like a bell.
I swallowed. “Who is she to you?” I asked.
He exhaled roughly and rubbed his face with his hands. When he looked back at me, the tension in his features made him seem like he was constructed of steel. “We had a relationship. A few years ago. Recently, too.”
The words were like weapons and they struck an effective blow to my consciousness. I’d known this was true, but I realized I’d still be holding on to a final shred of hope that there was some kind of misunderstanding.
He held my gaze as though he were challenging me. I bucked from it instinctively. Moving to the table, I sat down. The mist swirled outside in the garden. “How recently?”
He sighed. “Last year.”
“Is it still going?”
“Chloe, until yesterday afternoon, you and I had barely spoken in two months. We only ever saw each other a few times a year before that. I was seeing other people.” I heard something like impatience in his tone. “You know as well as I do that our relationship has always been casual. We haven’t committed to anything-”
Except a baby, I wanted to throw back at him. Except to the rawest level of intimacy two human beings can share. I stayed silent. The concrete was hardening all the while. I had no rights here, not when it came to Nathan, and I knew that. He was right that we hadn’t spoken for months on end even during the busy parts of our relationship. Even now … I had all but relegated him to the role of estranged father of my child until yesterday. Everything he said was true.
How could one day have changed everything so dramatically? Pain sliced through me and I winced.
“So, yeah, I was seeing other people,” he continued.
I realized he’d been talking all the while, but I tossed the realization aside and focused on what I needed to know. “Is it serious?”
“Is what serious?”
I wanted to turn but the nerve in my neck made me smart at just the thought of it. I kept my eyes narrowed on the white wall of mist outside. “Is your relationship with Jennifer serious?”
“No.” He paused. “We don’t have a relationship anymore,” he said, as though he were stating the obvious. “Not since year. I told you that.”
I got up. At first I thought that I might be ill; was the morning sickness returning? I took a deep, slow breath and then turned to face him. The sight of him standing there, so ruggedly attractive … I felt the concrete snap into place. He was lying. “I have to go-”
“Chloe, come on,” he said. His voice was definitely impatient now. “Don’t leave like this. We need to talk. We didn’t finish deciding everything yesterday…” His voice trailed off. He sighed. �
�Things have happened since then. You can’t just pretend last night didn’t happen.”
“I’m not pretending it didn’t happen. I can’t pretend this morning didn’t happen, either.” Now it was my turn to feel impatience squeeze the muscles in my jaw. “That woman barged into your bedroom. You don’t do something like unless you’re emotionally invested in someone. Even if you don’t think the relationship still exists, she does.” My tone was surprisingly even; I felt like I was giving a summation in court. “She’s obviously emotionally invested in you, and you have been in her until recently, apparently. I don’t fit into this scenario anywhere. I don’t want to be the other woman, caught in your bedroom by the girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said forcefully. “Damn it, Chloe – I keep telling you-”
“Lover, whatever,” I cut in carelessly. Another thought occurred to me. It took the breath from my lungs so effectively that I couldn’t speak for a moment. When I did speak, my voice sounded tinny, even to my own ears. “Does she know I’m pregnant?”
“Of course she knows you’re pregnant.” He sounded defensive.
My brows lifted. Obviously they were still in touch, he and Jennifer. Obviously Jennifer didn’t care that he was having a baby with someone else. How had he explained his relationship with me, to her? Had he said it was just a casual thing, and the pregnancy an accident? That was true, of course. Would he have said the same thing to me if Jennifer were pregnant?
I had a flash of my body slotted together with Nathan’s this morning in bed. The words we’d spoken, the love we’d shared, had swirled around us as thick and enveloping as the mist outside the windows. I looked down, unable to keep his stern gaze. Had I imagined that? Had I imagined the intensity of it? I must have.
“I have to go,” I said again.
I heard his slow sigh as I made my way into the hall. He made no move to follow me. I sensed his momentary defeat; he’d asked me to stay, but he wouldn’t beg. Is that what I wanted from him? I stood in the living room and looked around blindly for my coat and my shoes. I had no idea what I wanted from him, but right at this second, I wanted to get as far away from this house as possible. Inside I could feel a crack emerging. It was splintering my emotions. I froze, using all of my efforts to stabilize them. I couldn’t break down here.
