Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Rogan,” he put his hand up to stop me.

  “Dad will make the right choice, I know he will. I threw too much at him all at once and I should have just been happy with his reaction to my degree.”

  “You worked incredibly hard to earn it and why shouldn’t you talk to your father about working with him.”

  “Because mother, it’s his birthday and I should have known better just by the look on his face. He’s tired mom, don’t you see that? He doesn’t need me or anyone else coming at him in all directions.”

  “We’re just being the family that loves him. I don’t understand why you would say such things.”

  “He didn’t want this and we should have listened to him for once. Look, I don’t want to fight with you too. I’m sorry. I’m going to go in and say hello to Emily and grandpa and then eat because I’m starving. It was a long drive.”

  “Okay, I’ll join you in a minute.”

  I made my way back to our grand living room where our guests were happily engaged in conversation. The band I hired was playing Lawson’s favorite selection of Jazz he enjoyed. I looked around the room and spotted my husband sitting at the bar and waist deep in Bourbon. “Come on babe, hold it together for a little while longer,” I said quietly under my breath before joining him.

  “The band is playing our song. Care to twirl me around the dancefloor?”

  “Sure, why not?” he knocked back his drink and took my hand in his.

  “Lawson, I’m—”

  “Shhh, don’t talk. Let’s just move with each other and enjoy the dance.” He pulled me closer to the point of pain with his fingers digging into the small of my back. My husband has something tearing him up inside and he won’t let me in. I’m not for silence between us and I desperately wanted to push him to talk to me. I remained quiet and allowed him to move us across the dance floor until the song reached an end.

  He stopped but didn’t let me go and then there was a roar of applause with Emily wheeling out her father’s birthday cake. He pulled away in confusion almost lost in our moment and then he tried awkwardly smiling as she pushed the cake right in front of us. Friends and family gathered around us urging Lawson to blow out his candles and make a wish. He let me go and looked over to our children and then to me before deeply inhaling and successfully extinguishing all fifty of his candles.

  “Whoo-hoo! Way to go, Daddy! Did you make a wish?” asked Emily, as she smiled happily standing by Rogan who was clapping along.

  “Speech. Speech.” More demands from our friends.

  Lawson looked as if he was going to throw up, I mean chunks and everything. I was praying he would keep it together for a few more minutes.

  “First off, I would like to say thank you to my wife, Renee, and our children, Rogan and Emily. Surprising me is no easy task this I know, so thank you for keeping me in your hearts and giving me this great night.”

  Happy applause rang out as I watched Emily hug her father. Rogan smiled politely and then Roman stepped up to shake his son’s hand. Lawson returned the gesture and then made his discreet exit from the party. He was done and I knew he would not be returning. Our guests enjoyed a lot more champagne, cake, and then said their goodbyes letting me know what a grand time they had.

  “Whoo, I’m tired. Another successful party.”

  “You think so?”

  “Sure, why not. Everyone had a good time.”

  “Yeah, everyone but your father who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.”

  “Oh, mom, that’s not true.”

  “Listen, do me a favor. Please stay in the guest house tonight with Rogan. I need to speak with your father and I don’t want an audience.”

  “Mom, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

  “I don’t know baby, but I intend to find out. Please do this for me.”

  “Okay, I will. Rogan is already over there. If you need me for anything, just text me and I’ll be right over.”

  “Thank you, but no need to worry. I am just going to speak to your father privately and hopefully, he will open up about what is bothering him.”

  “Is it nanny dying? I mean, I know they were close but not even grandpa looks sad anymore.”

  “There’s no timetable on grief and just because your grandfather doesn’t show it, doesn’t mean he’s not sad. I think that’s one of the reasons why he went back to work. He needs to keep busy and I can’t imagine him wanting to stay in his big house all alone.”

  “I’m sorry, mom, I shouldn’t have said that. I miss nanny too. I guess we’ve all been busy in our own way and with nanny preparing us the way she did, it’s been easier for me to cope with.”

  “Well, and being a therapist in training helps too. You learn so many coping mechanisms that sometimes it’s just easier to flip the switch and manage your feelings better than some can.”

  “If anyone is an expert at that is you, mom. I’m tired and I’m going to go to bed. I love you.”

  “I love you too, so much.” As I hugged our daughter, I saw Lawson at the top of the stairs shooting me cold daggers that had the ability to pierce my soul. He shook his head and walked away before our daughter noticed him.

  I took my own shot of Bourbon before climbing the stairs to our bedroom. It appeared Lawson was even more in a mood than what I first believed. I didn’t know what I was in for tonight but hoped we could find a resolution. This is not how I wanted this evening to go and I still haven’t given him his birthday present yet. Would he even want it? One way to find out. We need to have a talk whether he likes it or not.

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  Listening to Renee with our daughter infuriated me on a level I have never felt before. My hands were white knuckling the top railing that I almost feared I would damage it. I wasn’t in the mood to be analyzed right now and my feelings dissected until there was nothing left. I didn’t want to eavesdrop on their conversation but when I heard that I was the subject of their talk, my feet remained rooted to where I was standing and I just got angrier by the minute.

  It would be another half hour before Renee joined me in our bedroom. I was drunk. She was quiet when she joined me and remained silent walking into our bathroom. When she finally did emerge, she was dressed for bed and her face was clean of make-up.

  I was sitting in the oversized chair with my feet up on the matching ottoman. She removed the tumbler from my hand and crawled up and straddled my body with leaning forward and placing her head on my chest. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her back and breathed her in. She sighed deeply and then kissed my chest where my skin was exposed to my open shirt.

  “Talk to me, Lawson, please.” I shifted my body to move and then I cupped her face in my hands and just stared at my wife.

  “Life just snuck up on us, didn’t it? I mean, at twenty-five we had the whole fucking world at our feet and free to do anything we wanted. And now I’m fifty fucking years old and I just feel lost.”

  “Lawson, where is this coming from? Look, I know I went against your wishes and a little overboard with your birthday party, but with all due respect, I had the best intentions for you. I did this because I love you, and your children love you and wanted to do something special for you.”

  “Come on, Renee, don’t use the kids.”

  “I’m not and never would.”

  “Oh, please, they have been your secret weapon against me for more years than I can count. Every time you and I disagreed about anything, you would throw the kids into the middle of it and then I would end up feeling bad about it and just concede. I’m over it!”

  She was now off my lap and pacing our bedroom. “You’re over it? And what pray tell does that mean? Lawson, I just don’t understand you and where all this anger is stemming from. I’m not sure if you have noticed but you’ve been so stressed lately and I and your kids wanted to bring everyone together to make you smile.”

  “And you did for about a minute. Once the moment was gone, the v
ery reason why I never wanted a stupid celebration to begin with came flooding back.”

  She sighed again with her voice shaking a bit. “And? What was your conclusion?”

  I was now up on my feet and circled my wife standing there in the middle of our room with her hands crossed over her chest. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled at the ends in frustration letting out an angered growl. I sounded wounded.

  I finally said it knowing that anything that would come from my mouth would hurt my wife. I didn’t want to and would do just about anything to avoid this conversation but Renee would not give up until I broke.

  “I’m not happy. And I haven’t been for a long time now. It feels as if I’m standing in quicksand and I’m sinking.”

  Biting her lip and now her hands on her hips she kept looking at me with a cold stare. “Well, that was certainly blunt. Good for you honey. With just a few words you have shattered the life I never believed we had. An unhappy one you say? You see, unlike you, I don’t obsess about the one happy emotion you seem to want to shove down all of our throats. Yes, that was the goal for tonight’s celebration because maybe deep down I knew you weren’t and it was my way of turning your bad mood to a good one, but clearly, my plan backfired.”

  “You wanted to know, I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? I think I’m going to need a lot more before that word is said again. Let’s go back to the part when you said you’re not happy or the sinking in quicksand. I can’t decipher which point I should begin with. You see, I focus on all emotions and not just one because there is no fucking rule that says you can’t be more than happy.”

  “Jesus Christ! Do you always have to play the fucking martyr! This is a problem. It’s always been a problem.”

  “And? Are you telling me this now? Just what in the hell are you talking about, Lawson? I don’t listen? I don’t understand your feelings? Because I do more than you give me credit for. Yes, we’re not twenty-five anymore. Our kids are grown and living their fantastic lives out in the big world that as you say, we once took by storm. I know this house must seem so big without them in it, but that’s how it’s supposed to be. This is the next act starring you and me. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing.” I sounded defeated.

  She brought her hands to a prayer position and let out her exasperated breath. I felt sick and couldn’t look at her. I turned away and held onto the tallboy dresser. She stood behind me and put her hands on my hips. I couldn’t move. I felt paralyzed.

  “Lawson, I love you. It’s what you dared me to do when I was just sixteen and my father was screaming at you to get off our porch and forget about me. But you just ignored him and kept coming back for me. And then the day before you left for your deployment, you handed me a calendar asking me to choose the date for our wedding. I doubted and I was scared but you promised that you would come back to me.”

  “And I did,” I shouted as I pulled away from her.

  “You regret it now?”

  “No. If I said yes then it would mean our life together hasn’t been my reason for waking up every single day. You have given me a wonderful life. Beautiful and smart kids who I adore more than words can say, and an incredible home to come home to for the past twenty-five years.”

  “And now? What are you not saying to me? Come on, Lawson, I see the indecision in your eyes. Just say it! Damn you, Lawson Douglas! Fucking say it.” She completely came undone before my eyes with tears falling from them. She moved closer and then began to pound her small fists against my chest. She cried demanding answers from me. I hated myself for even thinking the words that I knew would devastate her. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “Lawson, I will not ask you again. You started this conversation and hit me with more truths than I was prepared for, so fire the last shot while I can still stand to hear it. Stop staring at me with blank eyes and just say the fucking words.”

  “I want a divorce.” Once the words passed over my lips, I wanted to take them back.

  PRESENT…

  Renee

  Did he just say those words to me? I felt the bile rising slowly up my throat from the bottomless pit of my stomach. I tampered down my emotions because there was no way I was going to break down in front of him.

  “Please, say something,” he asked. I blinked my eyes open but no words were said. I simply walked out of our bedroom and gave Lawson the very thing he wanted tonight for his birthday—to be alone.

  Where could I go? Our kids are home with us this weekend and just across the yard in the guesthouse. Surely they would hear my car roar to life as I peeled out of our driveway and down the path to the main road. No, I didn’t do that even though I was well within my rights to be angry and do something reckless.

  I’ve always been the fixer in our relationship and no matter the circumstances. I’ve been this way since Lawson dared me to be strong in the wake of his sudden deployment. He was nearly finished with his service and then he was given his orders and we were running out of time. It broke my heart to be separated from him but it was what he did on the day that he said goodbye that tied us to one another forever. He promised to come back.

  I grabbed a throw blanket and sat outside on our porch watching the stars twinkle in the night sky. It was a cool night and it felt nice on my heated skin. What am I going to do now? My husband of twenty-five years just told me that he wants a divorce. And what scares me is that he said it so calmly like he was telling me he was going to the store because we ran out of milk. Was he out of his mind? What is this? A midlife man crisis?

  “Renee?” he softly called out from the doorway. I loved his voice. It could go from commanding a room to attention to mind drugging me into a sexual daze. My husband was beautiful and sexy and oh yeah, he wants a divorce. “Renee!” from soft to hard, he called out again.

  “What!” I wasn’t so nice with my response.

  “It’s getting cold out here and it’s late. I don’t want you to get sick.”

  “Really? How kind of you to be so concerned with my health and well-being.” I snapped back and then pushed myself past him and made a run for the stairs. I wasn’t sure if he would follow but then he did but I made it to our room first and successfully locking him out. He slammed his fist on the door and shouted out.

  “Dammit, Renee! Open the door. Nothing is going to get resolved this way.”

  “I agree but I need some time to process our last conversation before we begin a new one. When I’m ready, we will revisit and continue it.”

  “I’m not one of your patients, Renee, I’m your husband.”

  “Yes, you are and that’s not going to change. You made a promise to me, Lawson Douglas, and there is no fucking way you are going to ask me for a divorce without me reminding you of those promises of forever you made me believe in.” My anger had reached the boiling point as he continued to pound on our door. I forcibly opened it and gave him the hardest shove I could manage to do. Lawson didn’t fall but he was caught off guard with my attempt to get his attention.

  “You asked me for a divorce on the night I hosted your 50th birthday here in our home and surrounded by our family and friends. The same night your son presented you with his master’s degree you pushed him to work so hard for. Your daughter, our beautiful Emily has stars dancing in her eyes every time she looks at you. You are her hero and she is counting the days until you walk her down the aisle at her wedding. You don’t get to ask me for a divorce when I have been nothing but a good wife to you. I’ve been with you every second of every day loving and supporting you, and this is what I get? I get four words that make our entire life a lie.”

  “Renee—”

  “I’m not finished. You think I haven’t noticed there’s been a change in you? This is so much more than losing your mom. Whatever this is, runs deeper and for some reason, you have chosen to shut me out and make a decision such as a divorce without ever talking to me about it. Lawson, this is life changing and will impact every area of
your life. You don’t get to just say those words and not think I won’t fight back and try to help you.”

  “Look at me. Not on the floor or around the room. You look at me. I see you Lawson Douglas, the real you that is buried under a mountain of burdens that you have been keeping from me and your children. You are not a man who just walks away from his family. You are the man that runs into burning buildings to rescue the family cat. You are the coach of your son’s multiple sports teams because your son told you he couldn’t play without you cheering him on. You were there, Lawson, always there. You are the man that turned on the sprinkler on the first boy who broke Emily’s heart. You told her that first loves were hard to get over and when she was ready to talk that you would be there to listen. She opened the door with her tear stained face and you handed her the box of Kleenex, and just waited by her closed door for hours just to make sure she was okay.”

  “I see you. Who I just described is not the same man who earlier asked me for a divorce. That man would never hurt me or his family. What I am looking at right now is someone else, a stranger I do not recognize and I want him to leave.”

  “Renee—” I stopped him again.

  “No! You need to pack a bag and leave before the kids wake up. I don’t care where you go, it just can’t be here. I can barely look at you right now and I’m holding on with the last vestiges of my strength. I need some time to figure all this out and clearly, you need to do the same. Leave me a number where you will be and when I’m ready, I will call you.”

  “So, that’s it? This is the way we’re leaving it?”

  “What did you expect? Did you believe I would just roll over and allow you to implode my life without having a say in it? Ugh! Maybe you did because men can be so fucking arrogant, can’t they? A big powerful man like yourself just declares an order and I have to be what? The understanding wife that is mute and has no voice in the marriage to fight back? You know me better than that and shame on you if you thought otherwise. No, this is me giving you time to peddle back on your emotions and really think about what you asked of me. Because I promise you, Lawson, if divorce is what you want then I will grant your wish, and there will be no turning back.”