Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Are we alone?”

  “Yeah, who do you think would be here?”

  “I don’t know, dad. I know the one person who should be here but she’s licking her wounds back at home where you’re supposed to be.”

  “Let me get dressed and then we will talk.” I left him there while I walked into the bedroom to grab a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It was too late to go to work and the way I was feeling, I would be no good to anyone.

  “Rogan, I know you have a lot of questions and I will try my best to answer them.”

  “Dad, what can you say that will make me understand your behavior. You hurt mom and by hurting mom, you’ve hurt me and Emily. We feel lost and we don’t know what to do. This is supposed to be the best time of our lives right now. I just finished school and I want to begin working with you again. Emily has stopped planning her wedding to Gus because she can’t be happy for herself when mom is so upset.”

  “Is there someone else? Are you leaving mom for another woman?”

  “Don’t ever say those words to me again. I would never betray your mother like that.”

  “I’m sorry, but you haven’t said much so what do you expect me to think?”

  “Not those words!” I shouted back. “Look, I fucked up the other night with your mother and hurt her deeply. I wasn’t thinking at all and asked her for a divorce.”

  “What the fuck!” He shouted back at me with his fists balled at his sides. “How could you do it? Why?”

  “I don’t know. I’m tired, son and have been feeling overwhelmed and maybe even trapped in my own life. I’ve spent years navigating through all the roles I lead each and every day. Husband, father, son, CEO, the list goes on and I’m just fucking tired. I know this doesn’t make sense because this is exactly what I’ve expected from you. I pushed you hard to get your degree. I expected no less of you. I demanded excellence and you gave it to me without question.”

  “What the hell does it matter now? It’s over. I now have it and I am ready to take my rightful place where I belong.”

  “No! It’s not what I want for you.”

  “It’s a little late now, don’t you think? So, now that you are having this big past mid-life crisis, you are having what? An epiphany? A pretty big change that will affect my life and leave me hanging out in the wind with nothing to fall back on.”

  “It’s not what I mean. Please stop reacting until I get out what I want to say. Nothing would please me more for you to officially come on board at Douglas ECO, but having said that, I want you to consider every opportunity you are given. You have your entire life ahead of you and although you tell me you want to be out there being this world-changing environmentalist, you will also find yourself sitting behind my desk one day and making life-changing decisions that will not only affect our company but you as a person. So, my son, that’s where I am right now. I had those same dreams and most of them came true when I was just your age. My eyes were alive with excitement and possibility. Then one day, your grandfather sought me out while I was surveying a patch of land, and told me to take a break. I dusted my dirty hands off and hopped on to the back of my flatbed.”

  “What did Grandpa Roman say?”

  “It wasn’t what he said exactly, it was the way he said it. He asked me where I saw myself in the next five years and I told him that I would have the best of both worlds. He wanted to know what I meant and then I realized him stopping by was not just a social call. My father was testing the waters to see if I was ready and what I said next confirmed it.”

  “And? What happened?”

  “I said I would have it all. I would run Douglas ECO and get to be out here as much as I wanted to be. I already got the girl who was pregnant with you, and the rest would happen as I made them too. He shrugged and patted my back. I thought I was going to hear this big pep talk he was famous for giving but all he said was, okay, it’s yours. Come to the office in the morning and Douglas ECO will have a new man in charge and you son are that man.”

  “Dad, I don’t see the problem here. Running the company was your dream and you have taken it further than grandpa ever could. It’s thriving because of your vision and determination to make the lives of so many better. Our ecological systems have revolutionized the way farmers work their farms. It’s amazing, dad, and my eyes are open. I want to follow you and be like you.”

  “Rogan, have you heard a word I have said. Don’t you understand? That day grandpa found me working out in the hot sun with my hands buried in dirt, he was giving me an out and I didn’t get it until last week standing in the middle of our house while I listened to everyone sing happy birthday to me.”

  “I want more for my kids. I want you to look at a map and pick a place to visit and then go there. Don’t say one day I’d like to do this or do that, just do it. Seeing the world is one thing but living in it is something so much more than I ever realized. I want more for you, Rogan. You are going to change the world. I know you will but you have to get out there to do it.”

  “Okay, let’s just say I follow your advice and grab my pack and take off for parts unknown, sending you a postcard from time to time. Where does that leave you? What about mom?”

  “I’m going to love Renee Canton Douglas until I take my very last breath, and I intend to fight for her. In the meantime, I’m going to take a trip of my own and find out who the fuck I am. The company will be fine on its own for a few weeks, and when you come back from your trip, you can take your rightful place. I want that for you more than you know.”

  “I love you, dad. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me.”

  I laughed almost into a fit of hysterics. My son grabbed a beer while I had my moment and I finally began to feel lighter. I needed this cathartic rush.

  “You okay over there, dad?”

  “I’m good, better than I’ve been in a long time. I guess what you said made me remember yet another whimsical talk with grandpa. It was right before I left for my deployment. I was struggling to leave my parents and your mother behind. Just as I was getting ready to have my last date with mom, he pulled me aside and began telling me how proud he was of me. I then said it’s all I’ve wanted from him and he laughed, kind of like I just did now but I had more gusto to mine. He said he was and never felt anything else.”

  “Come here, Rogan.” He placed his beer down and walked over to me. I pulled him into a hug and then I grabbed his shoulders and said, “I am so proud of you, Rogan Douglas. You are amazing and I have no doubt in my mind that you will do great things that will better this jaded world. I love you.”

  “I love you too, dad. When I found out you left the house, I almost wanted to punch you in the mouth but I also know there was so much more to it and I promised myself to hear you out and give you a chance to explain. Despite what mom feels right now, you haven’t shattered my world. You are still my hero in all things and I am honored to be your son. I have to go. You’ll call Emily?”

  “I planned on doing that today.”

  “See that you do, our girl needs a hug right now and she doesn’t want it from anyone else. I’m going to make a few calls and see if I’m still needed in Argentina. I’ll keep in touch.”

  “See that you do. I love you, Rogan.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  PRESENT…

  Renee

  “Mom, why do you sound out of breath and look all sweaty?” I rolled my eyes because if this was anyone else, I probably would have said that I’m in the middle of a hot and sexy romp with my hot as fuck husband, but I can’t say that to Emily. Although our daughter is an adult and about to be married, she is incredibly shy when it comes to talking about sex.

  “Em, this is not a good time. I’m on the treadmill and I need to get a couple of more miles in before my next appointment.”

  “Skyping is always the way to go so I can see your face and make sure you’re okay. So, are you?” she asked as I hit the cooldown button.

  “Honey I am as good as
I’m going to get right now. I’m a big girl in more ways than one and I can handle this.”

  “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?” I asked as I grabbed a towel to wipe my face.

  “Put yourself down. You are a gorgeous woman and most women would kill to be you including me.”

  “Damn, I raised you right but the pleasantries are not necessary. Age is not slowing down for any of us but as long as I have my health, I’m good. Now, I have to run. See you at the office.” I hit end and let out a deep breath. Shit! This being strong is tough work. And I hate the treadmill. Damn you, Lawson! I want to nosedive into a jar of peanut butter but I can’t because I would regret it for days. Fucker!

  “Renee, I just want to be bold and let loose for once in my life.” My client says as I chew on the end of my pen. “When Harry left me for that teeny bopper, I wanted to just hide under my covers and stay there for days but I didn’t Renee, and I will never be that weak.”

  “Have you ever felt weak, Maggie? Because it’s okay if you have.”

  “I want to lie to you and say no, but I can’t. Yes, I have felt weak, alone, and so ashamed that I wore blinders for more years than I care to remember. He cheated on me over and over again, and because he dedicated so much time to his whores, I lost myself for a long time. The day I came home from work and saw his suitcases by the front door, it was like an alarm sounding off in my head and I was done. I was so done with just taking it, so when he asked me for a divorce, I said, what took you so long?”

  “Maggie, it’s been over a year now since that night and your divorce is now finalized. How do you feel right now?”

  “Free. I feel free but I also feel like it’s time to find me again, and I have learned so much from our sessions, but now I want to take what I have learned and run with it. Your head would spin if I told you how much vacation time I have banked at my company. I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a pet that needs me. I’m free to do whatever the hell I want and I want to board a jet plane and take off for parts unknown. I need it, Renee, so this will be my last session for a while but I’ll send you a postcard.”

  “Sounds great, Maggie. You’ve grown so much in this past year and I know you say you have to find yourself again, but I say you’re already there and you’re doing just fine.”

  “Thank you for saying that, I appreciate it.”

  It wasn’t her usual style but the new Maggie gave me the biggest hug and shouted, “Bon Voyage Bitches” I laughed and waved her off. She practically skipped all the way to the elevator with Jeanie raising up one of her eyebrows.

  “Well, that was fun,” Jeanie remarked as I handed her a file. “And, you boss lady are finished for the day. Want to lock up and get a drink?”

  “Thank you for the offer but I’m going to pass. I have to catch up on some work and then I guess it’s take-out for dinner.”

  “Can I go off the record here?”

  “Sure,” I said hesitantly.

  “I kind of caught the tail end of Maggie’s goodbye with the bon voyage bitches and all that. A little vacation doesn’t sound like a bad idea. You know you have that conference two weeks from now in New York. You can go before or stay a few extra days and catch some shows, nightlife, it’s New York.”

  “And I would be alone doing all those fun things. The difference between Maggie and I are worlds apart. She will probably pack a box of condoms, a bathing suit, and a pre-paid calling card when she has to be bailed out of jail in a foreign country. I will pack my business attire, make-up bag, and if I can pass it through TSA, my favorite vibrator.”

  “You know I love you, right? Oh, Renee, you sit here all day and every day with your game face on and dish out the best therapeutic advice you can manage, but what about you?”

  “There is no me. I am a professional and this is my job. I help my patients first, and then I will take care of me.”

  “Sure you will. Right after Lawson, Rogan, Emily, and the list goes on before you get to you.”

  “Good night, Jeanie.”

  “Night.” and then I had one more person hugging me.

  PAST…

  “A toast to the new CEO of Douglas ECO Systems,” I raised my glass as Roman, my father in law, stood on the stage and began to toast my husband.

  I watched Lawson network and schmooze established and new clients while I played the voyeur from the secret corner I was in. This was his night and although he included me in all areas of his life, it was me who decided to be discreet and give him his moment.

  “Buy you a drink?” I turned around to see a very tall man standing before me. I smiled before answering.

  “Well, it’s an open bar and as you can see, I’m all set but thank you.”

  “Touche. How about I get you a refill on that champagne?” he winked and then grazed his hand over mine.

  Before I could say another word, a strong arm was wrapped around my shoulder and I was being pulled in to my husband’s equally strong muscled chest. “If you value the use of your hands, I would suggest you not touch my wife and keep your hands to yourself.” I inhaled a deep breath reacting to my husband’s caveman ways.

  “Um, sorry man, I thought she was on her own for the night, my mistake.” Lawson eyed him suspiciously with his fingers digging into my hip.

  “And you are? And why are you at my party?”

  “I’m David Clayton, and I’m a developer over at Statler and Nance.”

  “Yes, you are from New York and are heading up the new building over on fifth.”

  “For someone who didn’t know me a few minutes ago, you sure do know a lot about me.”

  “I know every single person in this room and their backgrounds, especially ones who flirt with my wife. Most are smart and know their place. Now I’ll just sit back and wait for you to take yours. Darling, it’s time to say goodnight. I have plans and they don’t include Mr. Clayton.”

  PRESENT…

  “I’m coming, hold on a second.” I heard him call out as I banged on his door. When it opened, he looked surprised to see me. I’ve been successfully avoiding him since the night in my office.

  “Hey, it’s late. Are you okay? do you want to come in?” he looked concerned.

  “I have to ask you a question.”

  “Okay, what is it?”

  “Do you remember the night we celebrated your installation as CEO at Douglas ECO?”

  “Yes, of course, I do.”

  “I know you are going through something that I may not understand or even be able to help you through, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. I love you, Lawson, you know I do but as much as are on this new self-reflection journey of yours, I was thinking I might need one too. It’s become evidently clear to me and it hit me all at once today when I was with a client. And then my memory brought me back to the night of your party and how you strong-armed me when you felt threatened by that real estate developer guy who was hitting on me.”

  “I have never been threatened, I just protect what’s mine.”

  “Yeah, well where is that guy? Because he wasn’t present when he asked me for a divorce to end our marriage.”

  “Renee,”

  “Don’t,” I raised my hands up to stop him from talking. “I didn’t come here to fight and analyze you. I’m just your wife tonight and I’m here to say that if you want out, then you have it. You see, in my dreams, I fight for you with everything I have. I turn myself inside out for you and then I wake up to an empty bed and a raging headache because I realize that my husband gave up long before I did. You broke my heart with those four words and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to unhear them.”

  “Renee, please come in and we can talk. Do you realize you haven’t stepped a foot in our apartment?”

  “No, coming inside would be a bad idea. I have to go.”

  “Renee, I don’t want an out, and I don’t believe for a second that you want a divorce. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry for hurting you. Please baby, I want to c
ome home and work on us.”

  Smack! I don’t know where the impulse came from but I sure loved seeing the shocked expression on Lawson’s face when I did it.

  “Where’s that guy who was so jealous of a stranger offering to buy me a drink? Where is he? We made love all night long and worshipped each other until we were so high on each other.”

  “Dammit, Renee, he’s still here standing in front of you. I don’t know what else to say here. I fucked up and have been apologizing ever since. Men are allowed to make mistakes, even me, Renee.”

  “No, you’re wrong, Lawson. Mistakes are forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning you said you would get on your way home from work. No, I think what you did goes way beyond that. On that day on my parent’s porch, you promised me an amazing life with you, and for most of it, it was. I have to go. Will you do me a favor before I do?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed in anger. “What?”

  “Will you kiss me goodbye?”

  “I can do better than that.” And the man who had shattered me on the night of his birthday pulled me into his arms and put me back together again with just one kiss. He didn’t stop there and then he led us both into the bedroom where he made love to me. I knew it was futile to stand on my strong principles and be angry when all I was doing was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. How is this possible? I go from raging mad woman to horny, I need an orgasm kind? I was never one of those girls to do the walk of shame but there’s always a first time. I wrestled under his heavy arm that was splayed across my chest and managed to get out of bed without waking him.