Here's Looking For You, Grim (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 3)

by Robert P. Wills

  Tales From A Second Hand Wand Shoppe, Book 3

  Here’s Looking for You, Grim

  Any similarity between the characters in this book and persons living or dead (or undead) is purely coincidental. Especially the people from my everyday life that I specifically try to make fun of. That’s definitely a coincidence too! (Author’s Note: Oh yes, there are consequences to annoying an author.) In any case, the author has made an effort to avoid using the names of real places or businesses in this tale. Again, similarities with like-named businesses or places is purely coincidental. The battles too. Mostly.

  No animals harmed in the writing of this book. Several even had their bellies rubbed during the process.

  Written By Robert P. Wills

  Some Illustrations by Rio Taylor (the really good ones)

  Most of the Other Illustrations by the Author.

  Thanks for the ‘shrooms, Cory

  Also I would like to thanks the talented Chance for his excellent cover work.

  Find his music at www.mynameischance.com

  Copyright April 2014

  Drimblerod and Grimbledung.

  Just About There

  Chapters Contained Hereafter

  Chapter Zero Grim Grimbledung Prognostications

  Chapter One Drimblerod & Grimbledung vs. the Great Halfling Army

  Chapter Two All in All, it’s Just Another Grim On The Wall

  Chapter Three This is the Hour of the Gargoyle’s Discontent

  Chapter Four Little - Big Horn?

  Chapter Five Littlehorn It Is!

  Chapter Six Wherein the Big Battle of Littlehorn Begins

  Chapter Seven Gargoyles, Gargoyles Everywhere, and Oh the Halflings Did Shrink

  Chapter Eight Red Armor? Not the Best Idea

  Chapter Nine The Best Laid Schemes of Halflings and Mercenaries Go Awry

  Chapter Ten The Quick (Wounded) and the (Slow) Dead

  Chapter Eleven Drimblerod and RatShambler Return to Julesville

  Chapter Twelve Doctor Doc Marone

  Chapter Thirteen Corporal Gigantus? Fate. Fate? Corporal Gigantus

  Chapter Fourteen The Search For Grim

  Chapter Fifteen A Gnome in the Hand is Worth Nothing When He’s in the Bush

  Chapter Sixteen 20,000 KiloSmoots Above The Plains

  Chapter Seventeen Scuttling Butt

  Chapter Eighteen The Search Party Heads Out

  Chapter Nineteen Grimbledung Escapes His Halfling Trackers

  Chapter Twenty Add a Dash of Halflings To Suit Taste

  Chapter Twenty-One Semfeld and Liverioso-Fifty Shades of Hopeless

  Chapter Twenty-Two Foreboding Forest- Not as Nice as it Sounds

  Chapter Twenty-Three It was One Fine Day in the TreeTop City-Until Grimbledung shows up

  Chapter Twenty-Four Minotaur Poetry - It’s (not) as Bad as It Sounds

  Chapter Twenty-Five Halflings in the Midst

  Chapter Twenty-Six It’s All in the Presentation

  Chapter Twenty-Seven Grimbledung ala Elf?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight Little Known Fact- Elves Can See in the Dark Halflings? Not so much

  Chapter Twenty-Nine Grimbledung- Slipperier When Wet

  Chapter Thirty-Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Forest?

  Chapter Thirty-One Arrrg! There Be Squalls Ahead. And Angry Pixies

  Chapter Thirty-Two Julesville – Marched Upon!

  Chapter Thirty-Three Three? Definitely Not Company

  Chapter Thirty-Four Grimbledung’s Mind: a Terrible Thing; a Waste

  Chapter Thirty-Five When Good Orcs Make Bad Puns. Or Bad Orcs Make Good Puns?

  Chapter Thirty-Six The Julesville Defense Force: Being All They Can Be

  Chapter Thirty-Seven Turtle Tracker Takes Trio To Town

  Chapter Thirty-Eight Out of the Desert, On To the Main Course

  Chapter Thirty-Nine Look Who’s Coming- For Dinner

  Chapter Forty Look Who’s Coming to Dinner. Now

  Chapter Forty-One Look! Who’s Running? Dinner

  Chapter Forty-Two Look! Who’s Coming?

  Chapter Forty-Three The Race Into Cool Springs

  Chapter Forty-Four Doctors in Cool Springs- Not as Helpful as You’d Think

  Chapter Forty-Five Inn Keepers in Cool Springs- They Are Actually Quite...

  Chapter Forty-Six The Magician’s Guild- Nope. Not Helpful at All

  Chapter Forty-Seven Helpful People! Or Person. Maybe People?

  Chapter Forty-Eight There’s Thievery in the Air. And Baths Too

  Chapter Forty-Nine Love - Found Love Lost

  Chapter Fifty Semfeld’s (Uneventful) Road to Recovery and Then a Meal

  Chapter Fifty-One You Can Check Out, But You Can Never Leave

  Chapter Fifty-Two Second Hand Sorcery - yrecroS dnaH dnoceS

  Chapter Fifty-Three Battle’s End, Unlikely Captive

  Chapter Fifty-Four Interrogation! Reconciliation. Employ...ation?

  Chapter Fifty-Five The After Party

  Chapter Fifty-Six Changes in Attitude, Changes in, well... Grimbledung

  Chapter Fifty-Seven All Good Things…

  About the Author

  Fling of Illustrators

  Sneak Peek, Book 4- A New Hope

  Discussion Questions

  Chapter Zero

  Grim Grimbledung Prognostications

  “My army advances?” Asked the Lord High Priest of the Great Halfling Empire. “To absurdly overwhelming glory?”

  The conscript was on his knees, peering into the mouth of the Goat of Scrying. “Yes, Lord High Priest. They are at the keep of that Frank fellow. Your army prepares to overrun it.”

  “Who guards the keep?”

  There was a long pause as the conscript squinted into the goat’s mouth. One never wanted to take too close a look at the future. Especially when that future was of the person doing the looking.

  “Maaaaaa?” Asked the goat. It was not pleased with its lot in life, but at least it was the game of gazing in on the future, instead of looking up the past. That was a game that it dearly did not like. The conscript didn’t care for it either.

  The conscript gripped the goat’s ears tight as he gazed into the swirling colors that were to be his future. Since the future was always in motion[1], the images swirled and coalesced this way and that. At the moment it seemed as if the soldiers in the keep were leaving it. En mass. “The soldiers are abandoning the keep. Those taller cowards!”

  “All of them?” The Lord High Priest leaned forward in his chair. “Without even putting up a fight?”

  There was another long pause as the conscript put his head farther into the goat’s mouth. Since he had not released his tight grip on the goat’s ears, it went along with it. “Two remain to guard the keep,” he finally said.

  “Two?”

  “Gnomes.”

  “Two… Gnomes?” He moved to the edge of his chair, hands grasping its arms tightly. The back legs of the chair picked up off the ground.

  The conscript recoiled “Oh no. Not him.”

  The Lord High Priest’s eyes narrowed. That was all the description he needed to know who his conscript saw. In a very short period of time, that one Gnome had managed to become infamous. Infamously maddening. In some parts of the Great Empire of Halflings, in fact, his name had even been added to the vernacular; ‘Don’t be a Grimbledung’ was sometimes heard from a parent scolding a child acting in a contrary, or whining manner. “Him?”

  The conscript nodded at the Lord High Priest, “Yes, Sire. Him and that other one.” He shrugged.
“They’re usually together.”

  “I wonder about them.”

  The conscript turned and looked back into the goat’s mouth. “The word is they’re just friends. They’ve been known to go carousing together, in fact.” He glanced at the Lord High Priest. “Not that it’s any of my business.”

  The High Priest stood and waved his hand as his elaborate chair clattered back onto all four legs. “It is no matter to me, and soon enough, to anyone else. We’ll have their heads on pikes for all the lands to see. One right beside the other for six months straight.” He rubbed his hands together. “I don’t mind saying that two Gnomes against my entire army aren’t good odds. Not at all.” He rubbed his hands together again. “Oh yes, we’ll be rid of Grimbledung and his partner soon enough.”

  The conscript looked back into the swirling shapes of the future. Things were in motion- that much was certain. He let go of the goat’s ears without making eye contact with the Lord High Priest.

  Much to the relief of the conscript, the Lord High Priest turned, and with a flourish of his robes, left the balcony with only a “Splendid. Get that goat back in its pen,” over his shoulder to dismiss him.

  The conscript bowed to his leader’s back. “Yes, Lord High Priest.” Events were moving along. Splendidly? Things were never too sure when dealing with that particular Gnome. Splendidly? Unpredicatbly was more like it. “If you say so,” he added unconvinced as he untied the goat.

  “Maaaa!” Said the goat, as it licked at the taste of butterscotch - the taste of the future- on its lips. It wasn’t convinced either.

  Chapter One

  Drimblerod & Grimbledung

  vs. the Great Halfling Army

  “This is the pinch huh? I’m not too sure I like the pinch.”[2] Grimbledung gulped as he looked out at the army poised to overrun the keep. “Did I mention I think it’s more like a pucker?”

  “You did, yes. Poor pun, that.”

  The two Gnomes watched the army mill about in the darkness. Fights broke out here and there. Once, a trebuchet was even fired at a nearby formation. Several heads were put on pikes as a warning to other units that all attacks should be directed towards the keep.

  It was still dark as Captain Frank snuck up beside the Gnomes- dawn was more than an hour away. “Almost everyone’s out and moving except for me and these few guards.” He gestured toward the men. “We’ve got the fastest horses left to get us caught up with the main force. But we need to go before the attack starts so we can be in position in time.”

  “See, Drim? This is that Unter dem Schutz der Dunkleheit thing. It’s not just the Dwarves that do it.”

  Drimblerod glanced at his partner. In the pre-dawn darkness he was unable to see his face well. He could however, see that his ears were waggling.

  Captain Frank nodded at the Gnome, “Right. We’ll be set up on the Great Shambler Plains. Just lure them all out and we’ll take care of the rest.” He hazarded a peek over the wall. “We need to make sure we’re out before they see us leaving.” He had had an unnerving, overwhelming feeling of being watched. For the better part of two hours, the hairs on the back of his neck had refused to lie down. He wanted nothing more than to be out of the immediate vicinity. “Gads,” he said under his breath.

  “Captain Frank, I don’t mind saying that two Gnomes against that entire army aren’t good odds. Not at all.” Drimblerod rubbed his hands together worriedly. “Is anyone staying back to help?”

  Captain Frank ignored the question. “So any questions?” He started to stand.

  “I just had one and you didn’t answer it.”

  “Right,” said Captain Frank as he avoided the question yet again. Thinking better of making himself an easy target, he crouched back down behind the parapet. “That’s it then?”

  “Hey, I’ve got one!” Said Grimbledung as he raised his hand.

  “You don’t have to raise your hand to ask a question.”

  “Maybe you do to get one answered.”

  “So when do you think the attack’ll start?” Asked Grimbledung.

  Suddenly, the air was filled with flying arrows, ballista bolts and even hurtled Halflings - each screaming its high-pitched cry of doom. The men on the wall scattered as Halflings crashed to the floor of the Keep. Some made it all the way to the courtyard, striking hapless stragglers there.

  Drimblerod slapped his partner’s ear. “Stop doing that!”

  “Well, let’s get this plan into action!” Said Captain Frank as he quickly moved to the stairs. He paused as he got to the top of them. Silhouetted in the torch light from below, he took a deep breath then looked back at the Gnomes.

  For a split-second, Drimblerod thought he had reconsidered the entire absurd plan and was going to stand and fight. “Yeah?” He asked hopefully.

  “Retreeet!!” Captain Frank shouted over the din to the remaining soldiers as he pointed with his sword towards the castle gate. “FOLL – LOW MEEEEEE!!” With that, he bolted down the steps two at a time. As he went, the remaining soldiers fell in behind him.

  “Wow, he must really like my plan, huh Drim?” Grimbledung smiled broadly as his partner. He ducked behind the parapet as a ballista bolt soared by and clattered into the courtyard.

  Drimblerod shook his head. “This is nuts.”

  Rat scampered up to the Gnomes, “What in the lands is going on? I thought I saw you two up here! We’re all leaving you know!”

  “We’re staying here to slow them down,” offered Grimbledung.

  “What kind of insane plan…”

  Drimblerod gestured at his partner.

  “…oh well, then it makes perfect sense then.” Rat stood on his hind legs, “Grimbledung Sixtoes esquire. You get off this wall right now!” He shook a claw to show he meant business. He looked down at the Keep’s gate- Captain Frank was astride his mount. He seemed to point at the three of them and said something. Rat didn’t hear him over the racket. Captain Frank pointed out the gate and nodded. “Let him stay and fight. It’s his Keep after all!” He remarked as he pointed an accusatory claw at the Captain and nodded back “Stinking human!” He shouted at him as he nodded back.. “I really think we need to get going, Grimbledung. That human has left us here high and dry.” The Captain nodded again, gave Rat a thumbs-up, and rode out the gate. “Well, that’s just great.”

  “Not yet, Rat. We need to give the soldiers time to regroup and be ready to attack.” Grimbledung winked, “Then we’ll high tail it out of here on our trusty RatShambler!”

  Rat twitched his whiskers. “When exactly are we riding out on this trusty steed of yours?”

  “When the Halflings are overrunning the keep,” explained Grimbledung.

  Rat gestured around him. “This looks like overrun to me.” There were several Halflings on the wall; two more (that survived the impact) were in the courtyard battling the soldiers who seemed more intent on getting on their horses than anything else.

  The three soldiers remaining on the wall dispatched several Halflings as they made their way towards the Gnomes.

  “Glad you’re staying to fight. Mighty noble of you,” said Drimblerod. He pointed down the wall, “We’ll hold this area here, if two of you move down that…”

  “We got those; you got the rest,” interrupted one of the soldiers as they hurriedly moved past the Gnomes.

  “What?” Asked Rat.

  “See you on the plains” said the last soldier as he ran down the steps behind his compatriots. Helpfully, he kicked a Halfling off the wall as he went.

  “What kind of plan is this?” Asked Rat angrily.

  “We’re to slow them down so that the soldiers can get onto open ground where the Halflings will be easier to defeat.”

  “So why aren’t we…”

  Drimblerod pointed at his partner again.

  “… right, right. Wait. Who put him in charge?”

  Drimblerod considered that, “Yeah! Who put you in charge?”

  “I’m in charge? Really?” Grimbledung w
aggled his ears. “Whoo hoo!”

  Another Halfling bounced onto the wall. In a flash it was on his feet. “They went thataway!” Said Grimbledung as he pointed.

  The Halfling nodded as it turned toward the stairs. After two paces, it stopped and turned around. “Hey YOU!!”

  In a flash it was gone.

  “This time it wasn’t me!” Said Grimbledung defensively.

  Drimblerod nodded, “No. That time I took care of the little cuss.”

  “Desert?”

  “Great Salty Ocean. I took a boat ride a few years back.”

  Grimbledung stuck out his tongue. “Bon voyage!” He waved at the empty air. “Hope you like the ocean!”

  Actually, it would turn out that the Halfling did.[3]

  Another ballista bolt clattered by. “They’re getting closer.”

  “You think?” Snapped Drimblerod.

  “I just had a great idea.”

  “It was one of your great ideas that got us here.”

  You know where we should go from here?” Asked Grimbledung.

  “I don’t want to know.”

  “Can’t I tell you?”

  “No.”

  The two engaged the attacking Halflings for a few moments.

  “Australis. It’s an island out on the Great Salty Sea, just out from EternCity off the coast. They speak Common and everything.”

  “I didn’t ask.”

  “I figured you secretly wanted to know, so I told you,” explained Grimbledung.

  Drimblerod drew his sword. “You’re not helping.”

  Grimbledung drew a second wand. “Well, let’s see what we can do about slowing these Halflings down.” He smiled broadly. “Rat, I should change you now so you’re ready to go.” He jabbed one of the wands at Rat. In a flash RatShambler towered over the parapets. Thanks to the torches and the still dark sky, he became an easy-to-aim-at, full-sized, Shambler silhouette.

  “Delberger’s Hand! I’m out in the open!” RatShambler’s hooves clopped on the stone as he struggled to turn on the now too narrow wall. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he snapped as he made a run for the stairs. As he went, a ballista bolt glanced off his shoulder, knocking him off the wall. He fell the four stories to the courtyard, landing in a heap.