by Marta Perry
She took a deep breath. Best just to say it, and quickly. “After school let out, Mary went outside with the kinder. Toby and I were alone in the schoolroom.”
Becky drew in a sharp breath, as if knowing worse was coming, but she didn’t speak.
“We were talking about how William and Anna are doing. He is worried about William, saying the boy doesn’t talk to him. He thinks it has to do with Emma’s death.”
“He shouldn’t be talking to you about the woman he married after he left you,” Becky declared. “It’s not right.”
“That doesn’t matter. And it’s important, if it helps me understand William and find a way to help him.”
Becky snorted. “Are you sure it’s not Toby you’re trying to help?”
“It’s the same thing,” she said. “If something is wrong between William and his father, it affects both of them.”
“I suppose.” Becky sounded reluctant to admit it. “Goodness knows it’s a hard thing for a child to lose a mother at that age.”
“It is,” she said softly, remembering Toby’s words about not loving Emma as he should. “But we started talking about what happened when he left, and I guess maybe we touched those feelings we used to have for each other.” She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Anyway we...we kissed.”
“Ach, Susannah, how could you be so foolish?” Becky’s voice was loving and scolding at the same time. “Isn’t it enough that he broke your heart once?”
“That isn’t the worst of it. Mary Keim came back in. She saw us.”
“Oh, no.” Becky’s fingers tightened on hers, and Susannah could see her mind scrambling from one possibility to another. “I suppose there’s no hope that she won’t tell her father.”
“I don’t think so.” Susannah rubbed her forehead with her free hand, trying to will away the tension that had gathered there. “Word will get out. It always does.”
“I’m so sorry. Didn’t I tell you to stay away from him? Now look what he’s done. You’d think he’d be satisfied with jilting you once, and now, here he’s back again, causing more problems. Kissing you as if you were teenagers again.”
It hadn’t been the tentative kiss of a teenager, but it was probably best not to admit it to Becky. “It’s not only Toby’s fault. I’m a grown woman. It’s just as much my responsibility. I should never have put myself in that position.”
“And it wouldn’t have happened if you’d listened to me,” Becky declared, indignant all over again. “I hate to say I told you so, but...”
“Go ahead, you can say it if you want.” Worst of all, she couldn’t really bring herself to regret that kiss. Maybe she was destined to be a maidal, an old maid, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t yearned for Toby’s kiss.
“Well, there’s no point in crying over spilled milk.” Becky seemed to have lost her urge to repeat her strictures once Susannah had told her she should. “We have to think what to do next.”
Susannah spread her hands in a gesture of helplessness. “I don’t see that there’s anything I can do. I doubt Mary will be able to keep from telling her father what she saw.”
“Maybe, but you can’t just lie down and die. You have to fight.” Becky’s eyes flashed, and her hot chocolate sloshed dangerously when she pounded the table. “You have to start talking to folks, getting them on your side before Keim can sway them. After all, people here have known you since you were born. They’ll listen to you.”
True enough. But... “Becky, I can’t turn the schoolhouse into a battleground. That is not right.”
“It can’t be wrong to defend yourself,” Becky retorted. “Besides, you’d be doing it for the kinder. They need you. Think where they’d be with Mary Keim for a teacher.”
“Mary’s not as bad as we thought,” she murmured. “Anyway, it might not come to that. But I can’t start campaigning against James Keim.”
Becky frowned. “Well, then, the least you can do is make sure Toby isn’t spending time at the schoolhouse any longer. Maybe then the talk will die down.”
“How can I do that? How would I explain it to the scholars? It would look as if he’d done something wrong. It might make things worse between Toby and his children.”
“Well, if you don’t, Toby Unger is going to destroy your life again,” Becky snapped.
Susannah could only stare at her for a moment, her lips twisting wryly. “You agree with Toby, then. That’s exactly what he said.”
Chapter Seven
As soon as her scholars filed into the schoolroom the next morning, Susannah knew that the news of her misdeed had spread. The younger children seemed unaware of anything different, but several of the older boys refused to meet her eyes, and she heard embarrassed giggling from the girls.
“Settle down and take your seats, please.” She frowned toward the older ones, and they slid into the desks, making it clear that some of those desks were empty. Susannah quickly checked the row of seats. All of the Keim children were missing, including Mary, who had been coming regularly to help.
Well, that made a statement, didn’t it? How many other families would be following their example by tomorrow?
Wrenching her mind into its normal track, she began the day’s routine with a reminder of upcoming events. “Don’t forget that tomorrow we’ll have a final rehearsal for the Christmas program. I expect all of you to be letter-perfect in your parts.”
“Ja, Teacher Susannah,” they chorused in unison.
Tomorrow was the last rehearsal, and Thursday, the Christmas program. After that, school would close for a two-week winter break. If she could just keep going until then, she’d have breathing space to make a decision about the future. Surely she’d have that much time.
She walked slowly between the desks of the first graders, checking as they printed the alphabet. Each child looked up at her with a smile as she passed, and her heart filled with joy. Surely it wasn’t God’s will that she lose her role here.
Somehow she got through the morning, but it seemed a very long time until the kinder were settled with their lunches and a gentle hum of conversation buzzed through the room. Susannah walked into the small back room, which was a combination storage room and coat room. She was taking her lunch down from the shelf when she heard a tapping at the back door.
Her heart gave a little lurch, but when she opened the door, it wasn’t Toby. It was Mary Keim, her face red from the cold.
“Mary, you look frozen.” She grasped the girl’s hands and pulled her inside. “Was ist letz?”
“Shh.” Mary sent an anguished glance toward the classroom. “I can’t let anyone see me,” she whispered.
“But you’re chilled through. You must come in and stand by the stove.”
Mary quickly shook her head. “It’s nothing. I had to walk so Daadi wouldn’t know I was coming.”
“Ach, no.” Susannah put her arm around the girl. “You shouldn’t have.”
“I had to.” Mary turned away for a moment and then swung back, clutching Susannah’s hand. “I had to tell you. I’m so sorry.” Tears spurted from her eyes, and her voice shook. “I didn’t want to talk. I meant to keep it secret. But Daadi saw that something was wrong, and he kept asking me and asking me. He always knows when we’re hiding something. I’m sorry. But I told him about you and Toby Unger.”
“Ach, Mary, don’t be upset.” How could she blame the girl? She was the one who had done wrong. “I would never want you to get into trouble with your father because of me.”
Mary sniffled and wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I can’t stay, but I didn’t feel right, not speaking to you myself. And there’s something else. I heard Daadi talking. He’s called a meeting of the school board for Friday. I’m afraid he...”
She let that trail off, but Susannah knew what she was going
to say. Keim was going to press for her dismissal. Friday. Well, at least she’d present her last Christmas program before she was told to leave. She drew in a deep, calming breath.
“Listen to me, Mary. None of this is your fault. I don’t want you to blame yourself.” She touched the girl’s shoulder. “You have the makings of a gut teacher, if that’s what you want to be. But don’t let anyone push you into something you don’t care about.”
Mary looked away from her, and they both knew how unlikely it was that Mary would hold out against her father’s wishes.
The girl stared down at the floor. “I wish I was strong, like you. But I’m not.”
Susannah didn’t feel particularly strong at the moment. Still, it was nice to know someone thought she was.
“I think you’d better go now, before your daad realizes you’ve left.” She squeezed Mary’s hands. “Denke, Mary. Don’t worry too much. Whatever happens, it’s God’s will.”
Nodding, Mary buttoned her jacket and pulled her bonnet into place, tying it securely against the wind. She looked for a moment as if she would say something more. Then she shook her head, blinking back tears, and scurried out.
Susannah grabbed the broom and swept out the snow Mary had tracked in. She was just closing the door again when she heard someone behind her.
“Who was that?” William stood in the classroom doorway, his face tight.
She looked at him steadily for a moment. “Is that the proper way to speak to your teacher, William Unger?”
He flushed, looking down at his shoes. “No, Teacher Susannah. I just... I thought maybe it was my daad.”
“Your daad never comes in this door,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll come in the front like always when he arrives to help. Why?”
William shrugged. “Nothing.”
Susannah studied the face that was so like Toby’s had been at that age. “Is something wrong, William?”
He shrugged again, not answering.
“Because if there is something wrong, you can tell me. Or even better, talk to your daadi about it.”
He looked up then, his blue eyes filled with misery. “I can’t.”
Susannah longed to pull the boy into her arms, but instinct told her that would be the wrong course of action. Something was troubling the boy, and if it was something involving his father, she shouldn’t interfere. Still, she had to do something.
Susannah touched William’s chin, tipping his face up so that she could see it. “Whatever is wrong, you can trust your father. I’ve known him since he was younger than you are, and I know you can tell him anything. When he comes this afternoon...”
William shook his head abruptly. “I forgot I was s’posed to tell you. He isn’t coming today. My grossmammi will pick up me and Anna after school.”
Susannah felt as if someone had doused her in cold water. Toby wasn’t coming. She hadn’t realized until that moment how much she’d counted on talking to him.
She straightened, lifting her chin. Very well. She couldn’t rely on Toby. She didn’t even want to. She would handle this situation on her own.
Mary’s words slipped into her mind. Strong like you. Never mind that she didn’t feel it. A strong woman wouldn’t just sit back and let someone take away the job she loved. She’d do something. But what?
* * *
“Are you coming to school to help today, Daadi?” Anna looked up from her oatmeal on Wednesday morning to pose the question. “Teacher Susannah says we have our last practice today.”
Just the mention of Susannah hit Toby like a slap. He’d done enough damage to her for one lifetime. Surely the best thing he could do for her now was to stay away.
“Not today, Anna. I have too much work to do.”
Toby glanced at his son. What was William thinking, staring so intently at his wedge of shoofly pie? He’d tried to talk to the boy, but he hadn’t gotten anywhere. William seemed to have a talent for avoiding even a direct question. And Toby feared that pressing him too much would make matters worse.
“But Daadi...” Anna’s small face crumpled. “You have to come. Who will set up the big candles for our program if you don’t?”
“I’m sure someone else can do it.” He exchanged glances with his mother as she reached across to set the coffeepot on the table. Maam was looking about as stoic as William this morning. No doubt she’d heard all about her son’s misdeeds already.
“Nobody will do it like you do.” Anna was on the verge of tears. “Please, Daadi.”
He clenched his teeth. It seemed he was destined to hurt someone no matter what he did.
“Hush, Anna.” His mother patted Anna’s head. “Daadi and I will both come to help this afternoon. Ain’t so, Tobias?” She gave him a challenging look.
Well, at least if his mother was there, that would deflect any gossip. “You’re right,” he said. “We’ll both go.”
Once the kinder had scurried out into the snow, where his brother waited with the buggy to take them to school, Toby carried his dishes to the sink.
“Denke, Maam.”
His mother turned to face him, her lined face stern, her hands clasped together over her apron. It was the pose she always took when she was about to say something you didn’t want to hear.
“You’re a grown man, Tobias. I don’t want to tell you what to do with your life. But I think highly of Susannah.”
“I think highly of her, too.” His jaw clenched. “I hate that I’ve done something to hurt her.”
His mother winced slightly. “It’s true, then. You were seen kissing Susannah in the schoolroom.”
“It’s true.” He felt as if he were ten and about to be sent to Daad for a well-deserved spanking. But this was a misdeed that couldn’t be resolved so easily. “I never meant it to happen.”
“You can’t undo it now.” Her disappointment in him was obvious. “But I hope you will do whatever you can to mend this situation for her. It’s not right that Susannah lose what’s most important to her because of you.” She might have added “again,” but she didn’t.
He felt it, anyway. “I know. I will.” If only he could think of something that would help.
Toby spent the morning in the shop, working on a carriage, finding some comfort in the craft. It gave him silence and solitude in which to think, but unfortunately that didn’t seem to help. He could see no way to undo the trouble he’d brought on Susannah.
By the time he and Mamm reached the school that afternoon, the classroom was at the high pitch of excitement that always seemed to accompany the annual Christmas program. His gaze automatically sought out Susannah.
She seemed the same as always, her oval face serene as she tried to keep the kinder under control, but he knew her well enough to see the strain in her eyes.
His mother elbowed him. “I’ll see if I can help Susannah. You should get the stage set up, ain’t so?”
Nodding, he pulled his attention away from Susannah. Mamm had it right. He was here to help with the props, nothing else. Enlisting the aid of some of the older boys, he began moving the giant candles into place along the side of the schoolroom.
While he worked, he became aware of the looks some of the older scholars directed at him. So they had heard. Useless to hope they wouldn’t, he supposed. But at least they were still in school. As far as he could tell, the Keim children were the only ones who were missing. No doubt James Keim had been very vocal about having his kinder in Susannah’s school. A totally un-Amish anger gripped Toby, and he had to force it down.
After a few minutes, Toby had all the candles set up in a row, along the side of the schoolroom. They would form a backdrop for the children as they recited. Becky moved along the windows behind the candles, trimming the sills with live greens. She carefully avoided looking at him while she worked, and he was
grateful that she’d curbed her outspokenness for the moment. No doubt she was boiling inside with all the things she’d like to say to him.
“Looks gut, ain’t so?” He clapped the nearest boy on the shoulder and got a grin in return. “We should start setting up the chairs next.”
Folding chairs had been borrowed to accommodate all the parents and grandparents who were expected to attend the program. The schoolroom would be overflowing with people by this time tomorrow. At least, he hoped it would. Surely folks wouldn’t stay away because of the rumors. The school Christmas program was one of the few opportunities an Amish child had to do something that might be considered performing.
Moving chairs brought him closer to where Susannah stood, directing the placement of the classes on the makeshift stage. He bent to open a chair, not looking at her.
“I’m sorry, Susannah.” He kept his voice low, under the clatter of chairs and the sound of the children. “I’ve brought you trouble, and I never meant to.”
“I know.” Her voice was cool, her gaze never leaving the kinder.
Obviously she didn’t want to hear him. He could hardly blame her for that. He went on setting up the chairs, listening to the children reciting as he did. The poems they spoke were typical of Amish school programs, expressing Amish values—humility, faithfulness, meekness, forgiveness.
Forgiveness. Could Susannah forgive him? He didn’t know.
He paused, a chair in his hands. No one else was near enough to hear him. This might be his last chance. “I would do anything to make this right,” he said quietly. “Anything. I hope you can forgive me.”
That brought her gaze to his face. “Don’t think that, Toby,” she said quickly. “It was as much my responsibility as yours. There is nothing to forgive.”
Their eyes met for a long moment. He thought she was speaking the truth—that she wasn’t blaming him. But he couldn’t excuse himself so easily.
“I want—” His words broke off at a clatter and the sound of raised voices. He swung around in time to see William shove the boy next to him.
