“Take a deep breath, Gabriel.”
I do, realizing how excited I’m getting just talking about her. I nod. “Thank you.”
“Can you continue?”
“Yeah.” I run my hands through my hair. “Saturday morning when I woke up and she was there I just wanted to keep her, wanted to push her. I wanted her to love it like I do.”
“Did you want her safe word?”
I consider his question for a moment. “No, but I got it. I fucked up. I got overly excited, and I fucked everything up.”
“In what way?”
“I cuffed her to my bed while she was asleep.”
Dr. Nashito nods. “For the purpose of?”
“Fucking her.”
“Why cuff her if she had already allowed you to have sex with her?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I’m turned on by helplessness. I wanted her to need me. I want her to rely on me for everything, but she won’t. She doesn’t need me like that.”
“Why do you think you need that?”
“I have no idea. That’s why I’m here. I took so much from her and gave her nothing in return.”
“You said she safe worded you. What happened?”
“She told me to uncuff her, and I said no. I was planning to feed her breakfast and care for her, but she was so angry. She said her word, and I let her go. She told me I took advantage, that I disrespected her. Then she told me we were done.” I stare down at the floor for a minute while that awful moment hits me again. “I convinced her to stay a while, and I tried to tell her why I’m like this, but it made it worse. She said we weren’t meant to be together, and then she left me.”
Dr. Nashito nods. “You don’t think she’s right?”
“No. We’re so magical together, there’s no way it’s wrong. I’m wrong, but I can fix it.”
“Why do you think you can fix it if you’ve been this way almost your entire life? Why now? Why not with Claudette? Why not any woman before or since her? Why for this woman?”
“I never had a reason before.” My brow furrows when it hits me, and I look up at the doctor in near shock. “I didn’t want to before.”
He nods, offering a slight smile. “Now, we’re getting somewhere.”
AS I WALK INTO work Monday morning, I see the bag waiting for me on the front desk, but there’s a note stapled to the front. Pulling it off, I open it, read it, and smile.
Mia,
Please accept this gift of breakfast since I already paid a month in advance. Bagels are good, even if sent by me.
Your humble servant, GdC.
Humble servant, huh? Walking up to my desk, I sit down, turn on my computer, and decide to send him a thank you text.
Thanks for breakfast. P.S. I don’t want a humble servant. I want a partner. P.S.S. Bagels are good, especially sent by you.
I start my day reading emails, when my phone buzzes a few minutes later.
Being your partner sounds amazing. Did you see the weather? They say a storm is coming, and all I can think about is you, except instead of destruction, all the dirt is being washed away leaving everything better than it was.
There you go again being kind of sweet.
It’s in there somewhere. Have a good day. Tu me manques.
I don’t know what that means.
It’s how you say I miss you in French, but it translates better as you are missing from me. That is how I feel now. Part of me, the good part, is missing. You are the good part.
I read his text several times wondering how to respond. It’s literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I don’t know how to process it. Maybe I’ll just tell him that.
That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I mean it.
Smiling, I put my phone down and try to focus. Maybe somehow all of this is gonna work out.
Around lunch time, I head down to the lobby to meet Sara, noticing right away that she’s not her usual chipper self.
“Hey you.”
She glances over at me. “Hey. Ready for lunch?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong?”
“I’ll tell you when we get out of here,” she pats my arm, “and I don’t want salad today. I need carbs.”
“Oh boy. Tacos?”
“Yes, please.”
“I’ll drive.”
“Thanks.”
We get in my car and drive down the road to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Sara is almost never in a sour mood, and I can only guess it has something to do with her new man Jamie. She stares out the window leaning her chin in her palm until we pull into the parking lot.
“Too bad we can’t have a liquid lunch,” she says, as we go inside. “I could use a margarita right now.”
“Same.”
After being seated, we wait to order our decidedly non-alcoholic beverages, and Sara drags her fingers through her hair.
“Where do I begin?”
“Something with Jamie?”
“Oh yeah,” she sighs. “So this weekend was to be the big event, you know? Friday night, he came over after happy hour, and we did the same thing we did before, talking, kissing, and you know, the good stuff.”
“Yeah.”
Sara glances around the restaurant but pauses as the server returns with our waters. We order lunch, then she leaves.
“Okay, what happened?”
“Saturday he took me out to dinner, and it was really nice. He brought me flowers and was so sweet. I really thought he could be the one.”
“But then?” He tied her to a bed while she was sleeping.
“But then I found out why he wanted to wait for sex. You’ll never guess.”
“He’s gay? He’s religious? Oh, I know. He’s a virgin? Wait, no, he was married. I’m going with religious.”
Sara cracks a smile. “No. He’s… well…” She covers her face with her hands. “I don’t want to say it.”
“Come on, Sara. It’s me. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell?”
She sighs. “You’re right.” She takes a big gulp of water. “He’s tiny.”
My eyebrows raise. “Tiny? What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean? It’s tiny, Mia. Ti. Ny. Like minuscule, non-existent, nada.”
“No shit?”
“No shit.” She crosses her arms. “Honestly, Mia, when I felt it, I thought it was some kind of joke he was playing on me. It’s like a finger.”
“Damn. How did you handle it?”
“I tried to just go with it and focus on the good parts, but it felt like nothing was happening.”
“So what are you gonna do?”
“I have no idea. Advice?”
“It would be pretty shallow to dump him for something he can’t control.”
“I know.”
“But it would suck to spend the rest of your life dissatisfied in that department.”
“I know.”
“This is a problem.”
She sighs again. “I know.”
Our conversation halts as our food is delivered. I dig into my chimichanga and blow on it before taking a bite.
“Aren’t you going to take a picture of it for Gabriel?”
I pause. “No. We’re not gonna do that anymore.”
“Oh.” She smiles and picks up her taco. “Good weekend?”
“We weren’t done talking about Jamie.”
She nods. “What should I do?” she asks after her bite of taco.
“Maybe there’s some kind of technique we can research. Did he acknowledge it at all?”
She nods, picking at a piece of lettuce. “Yeah.”
I watch her waiting for more, but she stares at her plate. “Well?”
“I was trying to, you know, go down, and he kept pushing me away, and then he was on top of me and going at it, and I realized what the problem was. Afterward, he asked me not to dump him, that he could work on it, and that girls always dump him when they find out he’s not endowed. He
said he liked me a lot, and he would work extra hard to make sure I was happy.”
“Okay, so he knows.”
“Yeah, he knows.” She looks up at me. “I don’t want to be like all the other girls, but you should’ve felt it. It was not good. What would you do if Gabriel wasn’t packing?”
“How do you know he is?”
“Duh, Mia. I grew up with the guy. I’ve seen it more than I ever wanted to. Our mom used to have to yell at him all the time to keep his bedroom door closed because the rest of us weren’t interested in his show.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
“And he wore speedos in our pool, not to mention all my girlfriends commenting on his ‘package’.” She uses her fingers to make quotation marks. “Eww.”
“Gotcha. Well, I don’t know what I would do honestly, but if I liked him the way you like Jamie, then I would just see what we could work out together. You said he likes to go down, so let him go down. Maybe he can use his fingers too, or you guys can get a toy to add to your play.”
“I thought about that, but I don’t want to offend him.”
“That’s why you have to talk to him. He already brought it up, so just tell him that, I don’t know, that you like him and want to keep seeing him, and you’ll figure it all out together. That’s all anybody wants.” My own words resonate as soon as I say them.
“That’s good advice. Thanks.” She smiles and takes a sip of water. “So, what did you guys get up to this weekend?”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. “We decided to take a step back.”
Her eyes open wide. “What? Why? Did he do something?”
“Why do you assume he did something wrong, Sara? Maybe it’s me. Should we talk about Joe?”
She shakes her head. “This is not a Joe situation. After just two weeks, Gabriel did not propose and ask you how many kids you want to have. No way. The only time you freak out is if someone wants a commitment. So if it’s not that, what is it?”
Dang, she knows me well. “Just what I said. It was too much too soon, and we both got overwhelmed. We decided to take a break and evaluate what we both want.”
She taps her fingers on the table with narrowed eyes. “A break? So you guys are done?”
“For now. Maybe not for good.” I push my beans around the plate with my fork. “I talked to him last night, and it was a good talk. We texted a little this morning. It was just really intense straight out of the gate. We’re both like that, so when two people like us come together, it can be too much.”
She nods, studying my face, and I know she doesn’t entirely believe me. “What was the breaking point?”
“That’s private, Sara.”
“I tell you everything, but you tell me nothing. Got it.”
“I can’t. I promised him.”
“So that’s where your loyalty lies? With someone you’ve known a couple weeks over me who you’ve known for a couple of years?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“What are you hiding? I know it’s something. This is not like you, and I know it’s more than me being his sister.”
I pick up a chip to give myself a moment to think. “It has nothing to do with loyalty. You know I adore you or I wouldn’t eat lunch with you every day.” I smile, but she doesn’t budge, and just continues to stare at me. “Come on, Sara. What if…” I sigh. “What if I told you something and it changed your perspective of Gabriel? Wouldn’t you rather not chance that?”
“Is it bad?”
“No, it’s not. He’s not bad. Gabriel is amazing. Like I said, we’re just two really intense people, and neither one of us is used to that. He chooses women that aren’t as strong as me, and frankly, I choose guys I know I can control. We’re two headstrong people trying to navigate foreign waters. We hit a little wall this weekend and decided to get some breathing space. That’s it. Can you just try to trust me and Gabriel to know what we’re doing? Please?”
She nods slowly. “Okay, Mia. It’s just that I would want to know if he’s not the man I think he is. If he’s mean or, I don’t know, not a good person, I want to know.”
“Why? If he loves you and he’s good to you, what does it matter?”
“It matters because I fixed you up with him. If he hurt you, I would feel really bad about that.”
I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. “He didn’t hurt me, Sara, I promise. He’s not mean, and he’s a great person. I still really like him a lot.” I nod realizing how much I mean that. “I hope once we take a little time to ourselves that we’ll come back together even better than before.”
She finally smiles. “I hope so too. I like you being together.”
“So do I.”
After lunch, we part ways, and as I go back to my desk, I consider calling Gabriel to update him on Sara, but then think better of it. I think I calmed her down enough to get her thoughts off of us. I just want to know that he’s doing okay and that he’s happy. Then I smile. But not too happy without me.
Later that night, as I sit on my couch reading a book with Vixen sitting on my lap, my phone buzzes and I feel that little flip in my stomach I get these days when I see Gabriel’s name flash on the screen. Picking it up, I read the text.
Is it just me or does this suck?
Wait. Don’t tell me if it doesn’t suck.
I’ll just pretend you’re as miserable as I am.
I suck at this leaving you alone part.
Sorry.
I laugh as message after message pops in, blowing up my phone. I should say something feisty.
You do suck at this.
Yeah.
But… for the record, it totally sucks.
Thanks for that, even if it’s not true.
It is.
Good night, Mia. Sweet dreams.
I sigh, fighting the desire to tell him to come over. I want to be in his arms again, but I can’t trust him yet. He’s sorry for what he did, but how long before he does it again? How do we navigate a relationship where he wants to run my life? The sex was amazing, and I would crawl over broken glass for that dick, but that’s not enough to sacrifice myself. After reading the messages over again, I reply the only way that makes sense for me right now.
You too, Gabriel.
THE FOLLOWING DAY, sitting at my desk, I check my watch and decide I better get going for my late morning appointment with Dr. Nashito. Just as I’m about to leave, Adrienne appears in my doorway.
“Hi,” she says, smiling.
“Hey. What’s up?”
“We’re going to lunch later. Want to join us?”
“Oh, thanks. I can’t. I have an appointment today. I’ll catch you guys next time.”
“Oh. Okay.” She lingers, not really saying anything and glancing at the floor.
“Did you want to talk about something else?”
“Um, no. I, um…” Her brow creases. “Actually, can I ask you a question? A personal one?”
“Okay.”
“I heard you used to be friends with Carl Newton. He’s in sales on the fifth floor. Do you know him?”
I nod. “I don’t know that we were friends, but we both worked out of the New York office for a few years and occasionally hung out. Why?”
“He just transferred here, you know. Right before you came back from Paris.”
“I heard.”
“So, no one really knows him yet.”
“Okay.” I glance at my watch again. “Can you just ask your question? I really got to go in a sec.”
“Sorry.” Her cheeks turn bright red. “I heard he was, um, into uh…”
As she stammers, I realize where she’s going with it. She knows.
“I don’t know anything about his personal life,” I interject hoping to save her the embarrassment of saying it.
She gazes up at me. “Do you know if he’s into, like, bondage and stuff?”
“Where did you hear that?”
“From hi
s assistant.”
“Ah. Well, it was years ago, and I didn’t really talk to him on that level.” Thank God I never lowered my guard. Something about him always rubbed me wrong.
“Oh, okay. I just thought if you knew then you could tell me.”
“Why?” As a slight smile hits her lips, I realize my instinct about her was right. “I see. Sorry, I can’t help, but…” Should I? Eh, why the hell not. “If you’re interested, you can always just go to talk to him. Introduce yourself and go from there.” If he’s legit, he’ll know just like I did.
“Yeah, okay, maybe I’ll do that.” She laughs nervously. “Bet you didn’t see that coming?”
Au contraire. “I don’t really think about my employees that way,” I reply, reminding her of where we stand.
“But you seem like you have good instincts about people.”
“I do.”
“So do I.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “Like I can tell you’re very… demanding.” I swear she just broke out in a sweat when she said that. “You like things a certain way. Am I right… sir?”
I don’t react, maintaining a neutral expression, even though I’m pretty impressed by her nerve to just come at me like this. “Well, I am second in command, and you don’t get to this level by being passive.” I take a step closer, noticing how her breath trembles. “But if you’re referring on any level to my personal life, I’m afraid I won’t comment. As I stated before, I am unavailable, and even if I wasn’t, I don’t mess around at work.”
She swallows hard and nods. “Forgive me if I misread you. I just thought if you’d like to have someone like me at work, even just for little things—”
I raise my hand to stop her. “Let me give you some advice, Adrienne. This is not the place for anything you’re implying, and I am not the man you want to talk to this way. So I’ll ask you to apologize, forget this conversation happened, and go back to your desk and do your work. Yes?”
Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Page 3
