“I’m still waiting.”
“Thank you.” He squeezes my hand. “Can I tell you something that happened?”
“Of course.”
“I found out today that a woman I know is submissive.”
I raise my eyebrow. “How?”
“She told me… while offering herself.”
“Oh.” As a flash of anger hits me, I realize now why envy is called a monster. I want to find the woman and rip her fucking head off. “Why are you telling me? You expect me to be threatened?”
“No. Not at all. I’m telling you because before meeting you, I would have been very tempted. I wouldn’t have done it because she works for me, but it would’ve been on my mind.”
“But it wasn’t?”
“No. I just wanted her to go away. I wasn’t excited by the idea at all.”
“Is she unattractive?”
He shrugs. “She’s fine but she knows, or at least can sense, that I’m that kind of man, and I know I could do whatever I want to her, but Mia, I don’t want anyone but you.”
“Okay, so you turned down some average submissive chick that works for you.”
He sighs. “I guess the weight of that is lost on you because you don’t know me well enough to know that it was huge for me.”
I tilt my head. “What if…” I stop myself. This is not the time. “I don’t want to talk about sex with you. Not right now.”
He nods. “Okay, but I’ll answer anything you want.”
“What is it about me, Gabriel? About us? Why are you trying so hard? It should be so easy to walk away, so why can’t we?”
He stands and moves to my side of the table, then cups my face, searching my eyes. “I can’t speak for you, but I know for me, meeting you made me wake up and see things as they are, not as I delude myself into thinking. You didn’t let me overstep my boundaries because you actually have some. Mia, you’re the kind of woman any intelligent man would know he should do everything in his power to get and keep and…” He shakes his head. “He should do everything to make you happy. Because, Mia, when I gaze into your eyes I see possibilities. I see…”
“What?”
“A better life. You make me feel like trying to be a better version of myself, so I can be the man you’ve always wanted and needed.” He smiles. “Even if you think you don’t need one.”
I study his eyes for a moment without saying a word. “I don’t know how to answer you yet. I’ve never been in this situation.”
“What situation is that?”
“Dating has always been very simple for me, very black or white. I like you, or I don’t. I want you, or I don’t. We’re together, or we’re not. With you, I’m in this gray holding space waiting for what I don’t even know. Am I waiting for you to say something magical or for me not to care about what happened? I said I would wait for you because I can’t not wait. I want…” I exhale slowly. “I want to go back to how it was.”
“We’re going to, Mia, except it’s gonna be better this time. I won’t tear you down and push you.”
“But see that’s the problem. I liked the stuff you did or made me do. I didn’t like the checkbook, and I didn’t like the whole cuff-while-sleeping thing.” He nods. “But I liked your power, and I liked giving into it, and I liked being naughty. I just don’t understand why I liked it.”
Gabriel smiles. “Can we get out of here? We’ll go talk in the car.”
“Okay.”
He throws several twenties on the table and, taking my hand, leads me back to the car. Once inside he turns toward me.
“Okay, Mia, here’s where I’m at right now. I’m learning that there’s two different realms, right? The things people do in bed are in one, and the things people do out of it are another. My problem is I only had one realm while you’ve had two.”
I nod. “I think I understand.”
“I wanted to rule you at all times, and you only wanted to be ruled in the bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with that. You enjoyed learning your limits and giving yourself to me, but I took everything instead of just what you were willing to give. I’ve always been this way, and I never cared, until I lost someone I wanted to keep. Until you walked away, I didn’t get it.” He grabs my hands. “Can I have dinner with you, Mia? I want to tell you some things.”
“I don’t think we should be alone yet. We’ll end up fucking, and it’ll cloud our decisions.”
“Then we won’t be alone. We’ll meet somewhere. You can drive separately. Whatever you need to feel safe with me.”
“I don’t feel unsafe, Gabriel. That’s not it. I never thought you were gonna hurt me. I thought you were gonna…”
“What?”
“I thought you were gonna destroy me, and I like who I am. You’re right, I like the bedroom stuff. I think it’s hot, but the rest—”
“Have dinner with me. Please?”
“Gabriel…” I brush my fingers across his cheek, and as he moves toward me, time feels like it’s moving in slow motion.
“Can I kiss you, Mia?”
I nod, and as his lips meet mine, I gasp as if I just took my first breath after nearly drowning. Our bodies and mouths tangle together across the car seats as Gabriel’s hands slide into my hair. Oh my God, this man’s kiss, there’s nothing like it. We kiss for several minutes, and the longer we do, the more clarity hits me.
I pull away gently, whispering. “I have to go back to work.”
“So do I.”
I drag my hand down his chest. “Tu me manques, Gabriel, so much, but I can’t see you tonight.”
His face falls. “Why, Mia?”
“I’m not strong enough yet. If you try to seduce, I’ll let you.”
“I won’t. I swear it.”
I smile and kiss his lips again. “We can’t help it. I want to tear my clothes off right now, and fuck right in this parking lot. Tell me if I did, you would be able to walk away.”
“No fucking way.”
“Exactly, and even though I want you so badly right now, that’s not where we’re at yet.” I put my fingers on his lips, struggling to leave them unkissed. “I hope we get back to that because I’ve never physically desired anyone the way I want you. I like being around you, but we have more work to do. I would be nervous if we—”
“I understand, Mia.” He nods. “I haven’t earned the right to touch you again.”
“It’s not that.”
“No, it is.” He strokes my hair. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Saying no to me. No one ever does, and it’s made me a spoiled child. You make me want to prove I’m a man, and one that deserves you.”
I stare at the man in front of me, so vulnerable, so humble, and it makes me want to hold him and tell him that… my eyes open wide. “Oh fuck.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I should get back. I can walk.”
“No way, Mia. I’ll drive you.” After he starts the car, he puts it in drive and heads in the direction of my job while my brain swirls in utter chaos. I have to get away from him right now. I have to talk to somebody. Oh my God.
Just a couple of minutes later, he pulls up in front of my building. “Are you okay?”
I look at him. No. Definitely no. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Thanks for talking. Can I still contact you?”
“Yeah, Gabriel. You can.” I might die if you don’t.
He smiles. “Great.” He leans forward to kiss me and when he does a feeling of complete peace washes over me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay. Bye.”
He gently pinches my chin. “Bye, Mia.”
I step out of the car and walk back inside completely dazed. I don’t know what to do, so I dig my phone out of my bag and call my sister.
“Hey, Mia. What’s up?”
“Dani?”
“Are you okay? Are you crying?”
“No, but I want to.”
“Why, honey? What happened?”
“Something terrible. I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell me what happened. Let me help.”
I exhale, looking around the lobby at people coming and going, unaware that everything I know about myself is crumbling at my feet. “Dani… I think… I’m not sure, but…” I rub my forehead. “Oh God.”
“What?”
“I think… I think I’m falling in love.”
“Whoa,” Dani says. “Back up. What happened?”
I plop down in a chair knowing I’m way late coming back from lunch, but I don’t care. “Gabriel.”
“I figured, but based on what you told me last time, how could you even think this?”
“I was just with him, and Dani, he’s trying so hard. He told me he’s doing a lot of soul searching, and he just wants to be with me again so much he’s trying to figure out why he is the way he is.”
“That’s cool, but love, Mia?”
“We were talking and he put his guard way down for me. I looked in his eyes and those were the words that popped in my head.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Oh, God no. I just tried to get away as quickly as possible.”
“Okay, let’s take a deep breath.”
I nod, inhaling and exhaling slowly. “Okay.”
“You’ve known him for how long?”
“Um, three weeks.”
“Right. Not saying you can’t fall in three weeks, but maybe that’s not exactly the right emotion. Maybe because you’re feeling anything at all, you’ve labeled it as love, but let’s take a step back, and really think about that.”
“I have no idea what love or anything feels like. I don’t catch feelings, Dani, ever. If some other guy pulled the shit he did, it wouldn’t even be a thing. I’d just walk away and not even think about it again, but I cannot get Gabriel out of my head. I can’t. All day, all night, I want to see him, I want to hear his voice, I want to look at him. He asked me to dinner and I wanted to go so badly, but I don’t trust myself with him.”
“You’re just really attracted to him, Mia. That’s not the same as love.”
I sigh, dragging my fingers through my hair. “What is love then? What does that feel like?”
“It’s different for everyone.”
“So how do I know it’s not love?”
“Mia, you just said you don’t trust yourself with him. You told me before you don’t trust him. Love is a lot of things, but trust is at the base of it.”
“It’s not that kind of trust. He won’t cheat or harm me. It’s deeper than that. He might try to change me, and I might let him. That’s not healthy.”
“No, it’s not, so if you think he’s toxic, you shouldn’t be in love with him.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t, but does that mean I’m not? Isn’t it possible to love people you shouldn’t? Men fall for me all the time, Dani, even when I warn them. Even when I’m cold.”
“Men fall in love with the idea of you. They fall for the woman they think you are, but how many of them know you? How many of them could tell their friends and family what you’re like at your core? Almost no one can, Mia. You don’t let people in. I would have trouble, and I’m your sister. Does Gabriel know you? Do you know him? Could you be with him just as he is now, or does he have to change?”
“That’s why we’re not together, Dani. That’s why I left, because both of us have to change for it to work, but…” My voice cracks with emotion, shocking me to the point where I have to pause and take another deep breath.
“Mia?”
“I tried to do the right thing. I tried to walk away and set him free, but Dani, I think the worst thing I could ever imagine is happening to me. I’m finally falling for someone, and he’s not the right guy. Now what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know,” she murmurs. “Maybe…” she pauses. “No.”
“Maybe what?”
“I don’t like what I’m about to say based on the things you’ve already told me, but I think if you don’t, you’ll never know, and regret is the worst possible feeling to live with.”
“Do what?”
“See it though, Mia.”
“What if… oh God, Dani. What if he destroys me?”
She’s silent for a moment before answering. “Sometimes love does that.”
“Fuck.”
“But sometimes it heals.”
“Nothing was wrong with me before him.”
“Maybe you’re not the one that needs to heal. Maybe, Mia, you’re supposed to heal him.”
“Shit.” I sigh looking at the clock. “I have to go. Thanks for talking.”
“I hope it helped.”
“It did.”
After hanging up with Dani, I slowly walk back upstairs. I have to think this through, even though I shouldn’t be at all. Maybe Dani’s right and love has nothing to do with the emotions I feel whenever Gabriel is near. Maybe it’s something else, like… lust, or infatuation, or, I don’t know. Or maybe… we’re in each other’s lives for a reason. A good one.
When I get to my desk, Michelle stands up. “Hey.” She seems nervous. “Marian wants to see you in her office.”
“Oh shit. Okay.” I put my handbag down. “Thanks.” I walk down the hall to my manager’s office, hoping I’m not in trouble, but guessing I am. This is just what I need, my job being affected over a man. When I reach her office, I tap softly on the door. “You wanted to see me, Marian?”
“I did. Come in.” I stand nervously in front of her desk. “You can sit.”
“Thank you.” I sit down, folding my hands in my lap.
Marian studies me as a motherly smile spreads across her lips. “I’ve been getting some reports that something’s going on with you. You’ve been taking a lot of breaks, extended lunch today, distracted. Is there anything I can help you with?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that was happening. I’ll get it together.”
She nods. “If you’re not feeling well, you know we have services that can help.”
“Services?”
“Yes, employee assistance if you need help finding someone to talk to, or…” She shrugs slightly. “Help with lots of things.”
“Oh. Right. Um, I’ll keep that in mind.” People think I’m mental now? Awesome. “It’s just…” I sigh, realizing I’m about to say something I’ve never said. “My personal life, my relationship, is just a little um, consuming right now, but I’m working on that.”
Marian smiles. “That happens sometimes. It’s just so unlike you, I wanted to make sure if you needed support, you knew you had it.”
“I really appreciate that, Marian. I’ve never had this problem before, so I’m really sorry I let it interfere with work. I’ll fix it.”
“I’m sure you will. You’re one of the strongest on the team, and I rely on you as an example for others.”
“I know, and I value that trust in me.”
“Good. Just remember I’m always here. I was a young woman in love once too.”
I gulp when she says that. “I don’t…” My words fail me as I try to compose my thoughts. Marian tilts her head, her eyes full of concern. “I’ve never, um, been in love before, and I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening to me or not, but, um, that’s why I’m sort of a mess lately. We’re on a break, but…” I offer a slight smile. “I’m not sure why I’m telling you this.”
“Maybe you just need to talk about it. Is this that nice man from the holiday party?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, Mia, I don’t know all the details of course, but I know that I believe in love being the best and most powerful emotion in the world. Think of all the things that are better because of it. All the people healed because someone loved them.”
I nod, smiling. “Yeah. I just don’t know how.”
“How what?”
“To love someone. I mean romantically.”
“There’s no manual. You just figure it out as you go. I�
�ll tell you a story. When I met my husband, I was eighteen, just a girl. He’s five years older than me so at the time, I thought he was really something.” She chuckles and I laugh softly with her. “We were married a year later, and I had a baby a year after that. Then I had another one, and another one, and I was in my mid-twenties, and so happy I couldn’t imagine that I could ever be happier. Then my husband had an affair with a coworker.” My eyes open wide as she continues. “It went on for several months, and I didn’t notice a change because I was so wrapped up in my kids, and my home, and this life that felt magical to me, that I didn’t even see how it was all falling apart. I believed him when he said the boss wanted him to stay late. I encouraged him to work hard and stay those extra hours because he wanted that promotion. Then you know what happened, Mia?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“He came home one night, covered in her perfume, and he fell at my feet and he cried and he begged for forgiveness. He said he had just finished making love to another woman, and he imagined walking away from me, and realized he made a huge mistake.” She pauses and gazes out the window for a moment. The pain of the memory etches her pretty face, until she smiles it away. “He broke my heart that night. He shattered everything I thought was true. I felt betrayed, of course, but worse, I felt unworthy, unattractive, unloved. By morning, I wanted to leave, but my children got up for school and were sitting with him at the kitchen table, so happy for those few minutes of his day. I realized that I just couldn’t walk away yet, but I didn’t know what to do because the trust and security I had always lived with was shaken.”
“Yeah.”
“But Mia, that terrible moment was the best thing that ever happened to me and my marriage. Do you know why?”
“No.”
“Because it made me stop and look around. It made me examine how he ended up in someone else’s arms. It made me assess my own life and dreams and evaluate if I was on the right path, and I wasn’t. When I met him, I had put away a lot of my own hopes and ambitions. So we went to counseling, and I decided to become a working mother. Our lives improved immensely because I was challenged and growing as a person. It took time, but we fell in love again, our children did just fine with two working parents, and then ten years later, he got cancer and nearly died. He had numerous surgeries and treatments and had to stop working. If our lives had stayed the same, or if that affair had torn us apart, his illness would’ve destroyed everyone. Financially, I was able to keep us going. My insurance paid the bills and for the nursing care he required. My position allowed me flexibility to attend his appointments and support him through it. You might be wondering what the morale of the story is?”
Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Page 5
