“Um,” I start. “I just thought of something.”
“What?”
“What do you sleep in?”
He grins. “The clothes I was born in.”
I nod. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem.”
He steps closer with a grin on his face. “It was your idea.”
“Yep. Not my best possibly. I don’t do well denying myself something I want.”
“Same.” He pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it on the floor. “But in the past week, I’ve had to deny myself a thousand times. I want to be around you every minute of every day. I want to call you constantly. I want to…” He shakes his head. “You get where I’m going.”
I nod softly. “Yeah.”
“Being here with you right now is the best moment I’ve had since before I fucked up. So thank you for saying yes, but as difficult as this is, I’m not gonna touch you. I really mean what I say that I want you to know what you’re getting with me one hundred percent before we continue. If you ever give your body to me again, I want you to feel confident and know you’re safe and respected and…” He stops short, searching my eyes. “Yeah.”
I can tell he’s holding back, but I assume I’ll find out why in the morning. “Can I ask a question?”
“Anything.”
“What does your tattoo mean?”
He glances at his right shoulder, lightly touching it. “It started with wanting to represent my love of travel in a cool way.” He nods. “Over time, the meaning has shifted. I see it as me finding my way and navigating the stormy seas of life. With a compass, you can always find your way home.” He smiles. “I didn’t realize that I was still lost, and maybe the way to safe ground is to head straight into the eye of the storm.”
I smile as I reach out to drag my fingers over it. “Just call me Hurricane Mia.”
Gabriel laughs. “Total destruction, but it all needed to come down. It needed to be rebuilt.”
“That’s some kind of metaphor.”
“Get in the bed.”
I raise my eyebrow with a smirk on my lips. “Do I detect a hint of the original Gabriel in there?”
“Do you hate that guy?”
I love that guy. My mouth drops when that thought passes through me.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I don’t hate that guy. I’m even starting to forget why I was mad at him in the first place.”
“You’d remember soon enough if he did it again.” He tugs on the hem of my blouse. “Now, get in bed, Mia, and don’t let me see that incredible body of yours or promises will be hard to keep.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back.” I go in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. After brushing out my hair, I strip out of my clothes, then put my tank and boy short set on, knowing I might as well be naked for how little it covers. When I open the door, Gabriel is already in bed and my stomach flutters as I walk toward him. He turns his head toward me and smiles.
“You are gorgeous.”
“Thanks.” I climb in bed and get under the covers. A moment later, Vixen jumps in, walks right over to Gabriel and settles on his lap. He just laughs as I shake my head. “She’s such a little tramp. She hates people.”
“Doesn’t like men you bring back here?”
“Now that I think about it, she doesn’t see a lot of men. I don’t like having people in my space.”
“People like men?”
“Right.”
“Interesting. Do you remember when I told you we were soul mates and you looked at me like you wanted to throat punch me?”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
“There are so many similarities. You may not have turned your need to control into being a dominatrix, although that would be hot as fuck if you had, but I digress.” I just shake my head, still laughing. “You just channeled it in different ways. You found a way to balance it.”
“No, Gabriel, I didn’t. I could count on one hand the people who could say they really know me. My own sister doesn’t. I don’t like people getting close to me. I guess maybe I think they’ll use my weaknesses against me, or I don’t know, just leave one day.”
“I can definitely relate. No one knows me. The two people who might have a clue are François and Luc, but even they only know one side.” He chuckles. “Hell, I don’t even think I know me so how could anyone else.”
“Maybe we are a lot alike.”
“No, you know who you are. You’re secure in yourself.”
“So are you. You’re the cockiest little shit I’ve ever met.”
He laughs, lifting my hand to kiss it. “I was very confident in who I thought I was, but a hurricane blew in and shifted the foundation. Now I’m learning to own the man I want to be.”
“I hope I’m worth everything you’re putting yourself through. There are thousands of women in this world that would do anything you asked them to do. You could shackle them to the bed with not one single protest. I hope you don’t look back someday and think what the fuck was I doing with her.”
He studies my face for a moment. “I think the only regret I could ever have when it comes to you is if I didn’t try. If I just stayed stuck in my shit because I couldn’t break you. I would always wonder what if. Wonder what we could have been.” He kisses my hand. “Full disclosure, Mia, I can’t walk away from you. I feel too good when you’re near. I used to do drugs to get the high you give me just by smiling at me. No matter what happens, I’ll never regret you. I hope that’s the same for you.”
Closing my eyes, I fight the urge to tell him that I think I’m falling. It’s not time yet though. He kisses my hand, then puts it on his chest over his heart. I wait for him to say something, but he just holds my gaze. After a minute like this, he smiles.
“Want to get some sleep?”
“Yeah.” Snuggling close to him, I lie my head on his chest. As his hand rubs my back, he kisses the top of my head, and I’m all at once astonished and slightly disappointed in his gentleness. Maybe I could use my own session with the doctor, because clearly I’m losing my damn mind.
IN THE MORNING, I pull myself away from a sleeping Mia so I can go to the bathroom. When I come back a few minutes later, she’s still curled up in the blankets, and it makes me happy she can sleep so soundly next to me. Maybe she’s really not afraid of me. Maybe she shouldn’t be. Even though part of me really wants to climb in that bed, hold her down, and fuck her senseless, I know I won’t. I know I can hold off. I can wait for consent. I don’t have to cuff her to the bed to get her to like me. If she’s willing to go to Dr. Nashito with me today, she already does.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I stroke her hair. She’s so beautiful. So, so, beautiful. Just like I described her that day at lunch—like poetry and love songs and masterful works of art. I’m learning that her heart is just as amazing as the rest of her.
I lean down and kiss her cheek. “Wake up, Mia.”
Her eyes open, and as she stretches, her tank slides away revealing those tits that drive me insane. I want to touch her, kiss her, bite her. She must notice my hungry gaze because she lifts my hand and places it right on her naked flesh. She doesn’t speak, but she doesn’t have to. Her eyes tell me everything I need to know.
“Soon, Mia. We have an appointment to make unless you’ve changed your mind.”
“I haven’t.” She smiles. “I’ll get up.”
“I’ll wait in the living room.”
“I won’t be long.”
I walk away, turning my eyes from her, not wanting to be tempted again. About thirty minutes later, she comes out with wet hair, no makeup, and wearing a dress with knee high boots. She starts braiding her hair as she walks toward me.
“I can put on makeup on the way there.”
“Great.”
“You don’t want a quick shower?”
“No. I’ll swing by my place after I drop you at work.” I realize I’ve taken control of the situation. “If that’s okay with you. I’ll get you
home later.”
She smiles. “It’s fine, Gabriel.”
“Good.”
We head out, and as soon as we’re in the car, the nerves kick in. I want her in my life so badly, I hope this goes well. I hope she can accept me and work with me. I glance at her as we drive and she puts her makeup on.
“You know you’re beautiful without it.”
She smiles at me. “Thanks, but I feel better with it. More put together, I guess.”
“I get that. Just wanted you to know that I like seeing you without it too.”
“You could always demand I leave it off.”
“I could, but I won’t.”
Not long after, we arrive at Dr. Nashito’s office. After walking inside, we wait in the lobby for a moment until he comes out to get us.
“Doctor, this is Mia.”
He nods, glancing at me quickly. “Pleased to meet you, Mia. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Dr. Nashito.”
She smiles. “Nice to meet you.”
“Come on inside.”
We follow him down the hall, and I guide Mia to the couch where she sits. I can see that she’s nervous, but she couldn’t be to the extent that I am. Dr. Nashito sits across from us with his ubiquitous notepad and pen.
“Where would you like to begin, Gabriel?”
“Um, I thought you would lead us.”
“Have you shared with Mia why she’s here? Why you are?”
“A little.”
“We should probably start there then.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Taking a deep breath, I glance at the beauty next to me. “I’m here because uh, after what I did to you, I realized that maybe I wasn’t as in control of my urges as I thought I was. I’m definitely into the dominant lifestyle, and it’s been a part of me for several years.”
“I know, Gabriel.”
“No, you don’t. Not entirely. It’s always been there to some extent, but it was perfected in Paris where I was part of a community of people just like me. I had free rein, and I ran with that.”
She nods, but remains silent.
“I always found women that would submit to me, and until I met you, that was the only kind of woman I sought out. I thought it was just about sexual gratification, but it’s deeper than that.”
“Okay.”
“I asked you here, Mia, because I want to tell you the things I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, and what I hope for us in the future.” I look over at Dr. Nashito. “I don’t know what to say next.”
“Why don’t you tell her how you feel about what happened between the two of you.”
“Right. Okay.” I look back at Mia, who’s watching me with such a kind expression, it makes my breath catch. “When I met you, Mia, I knew right away that the dynamic between us would be contentious. I knew you would fight me, and I definitely knew you weren’t submissive.”
She nods. “Right.”
“What was weird about that is that I wanted you like nothing else I’ve ever wanted. I shouldn’t have been attracted to you, but it was like I had no choice. The chemistry, the banter, your, for lack of a better word, aura was so compelling, I jumped into the deep end.”
She smiles. “But you’re the deep end, Gabriel, not me.”
I nod, smiling. “That’s what I used to think too.” I wring my hands, composing my thoughts. “When you would do things that I requested, it was like a shot of adrenaline, twenty cups of espresso, a cocaine binge. I was so high my ego couldn’t touch the ground anymore. It was because I knew it was out of character for you, but you did it. I felt like Superman or some shit.”
She nods, reaches for my hand, and holds it in hers.
“Then that night at my place…” I shake my head. “Mia, it was everything.” I have to clear my throat to make the lump go away. “I couldn’t stop thinking of all the things I wanted to do to you. I wanted you to see the darkest parts of me and still want to be there. I mistook your participation for a free pass to do whatever I wanted, and that’s where I fucked up. I didn’t realize I was crossing the line because I’ve never recognized that there was one. Other women never gave me a limit and if they had, I would’ve walked away.” I exhale slowly. “But from the minute I looked at you, I lost my ability to leave.”
Mia smiles, but remains silent, so I shift my eyes to Dr. Nashito who nods in encouragement.
“I realized, Mia, that I’m not as happy as I thought I was. I’m not as in control as I thought. I’m not as comfortable as I thought. The way I’ve treated women in the past is something I was fine with because they wanted it. Mostly.” I pause as Claudette flashes through my mind. “But when I did something you didn’t want, it was like shock therapy. I was dead inside, Mia. Dead. Numb to all of it. Until you. You woke me up, and I had to look at all of the ways I wasn’t living right.”
She squeezes my hand.
“I asked you here to tell you this stuff, but also to tell you that I don’t know how to be any other way, Mia. I’m so scared to touch you because I think I’ll push you too far again, and I know you won’t give me another chance if I do. I want you so badly, in all the ways a man could. I want to be with you, night and day. I want to do things, go places, travel, experience life with you.” I have to pause again as unexpected emotion floods my body. “I’m paralyzed by the fear of losing you, and I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if I can be normal.”
She still doesn’t say anything, so I look back at the doctor.
“Gabriel, that was good. Do you want to tell Mia the word you used when I asked you to tell me how you felt about her?”
I nod. “Sure.” I turn back to the beauty who is watching me and smile, but my nerves are on fire right now. “He made me pick just one word about how I feel about you, and the first one that came to mind was…” Please God don’t let her reject me right now. “Devoted, Mia. That was my word.”
Her eyes open wide for a moment. “Oh my God,” she whispers.
“Mia?” Dr. Nashito says. “Do you want to say anything back to Gabriel about what he just told you?”
She looks at him, then back at me, then down at her hands. “I just need a second to process this.”
“I’ll get you some water,” I say, standing and walking over to the water cooler where I fill up a cup for her and carry it back. She takes it and sips, and then sets it down on the coffee table.
“Okay,” she begins. “There’s a thousand things running through my mind right now, so I don’t know where to start.”
“Do you want me to help?” the doctor asks.
“Yes, please.”
“Okay.” He smiles. “How do you feel about what Gabriel told you about his lifestyle?”
“I already know he’s a dom. I knew that right away. I was worried about how it would play out because I’m not into that normally, but…” She glances at me. “Gabriel is different.”
“Why?”
“He explained it well. When we met it was like the world stopped. I knew I would never be the same. Gabriel excites me on a level I’ve never experienced, and I liked the stuff we did.” She meets my gaze. “I didn’t do it just for you. I did it for me too. It was fun, and I didn’t understand why I thought that. I didn’t understand why I gave in to your ridiculous commands.” She smiles. “It unnerved me, left me reeling with every interaction, but I loved it. I lived for your calls, your texts, your touch. I still do, Gabriel.”
“Mia?” the doctor asks, pulling her attention back. “What changed when he cuffed you to the bed?”
Her eyes open wide for a moment. “He told you that?”
“He did.”
“Okay, well, what changed was that up to that point, even though it didn’t always feel like it, I was in charge of my submission. He made requests of me, but I still decided if I wanted to do it or not. Even when I was fuming mad, there was this undercurrent of excitement that I just couldn’t ignore. I didn’t want to ignore it.” She looks at me again. “And I trusted him, comp
letely, that he wouldn’t hurt me. In a bad way, you know.” She exhales slowly. “So when I woke up cuffed to the bed, after the most incredible night of my life, it confused me. It angered me, but mostly, it shook my trust in him. He didn’t give me a choice. He didn’t let me decide how far I was willing to go. If he asked to tie me up and do stuff, I would’ve said yes. Up to that point, I think I would’ve done anything he asked to me do. Anything.”
Dr. Nashito leans forward. “Why, Mia?”
“Because…” She pauses, blinking rapidly and gazing up at the ceiling. “Because I’m his devoted. Still.”
When she says that, my breath catches. “Oh God.”
“This is a meaningful phrase for you, Gabriel?”
I nod. “Yeah, I asked her to be my devoted, but I never told her what it means. I didn’t have to tell her. She just…” I run my fingers through my hair, overwhelmed by everything I’m feeling right now. “She just understood.”
“Do you want to explain it fully to her now?”
I glance at Mia who watches me with expectant eyes. “Okay.” I pause for a moment. “It means giving every aspect of your life to your ma—” I stop short, really not wanting to say this out loud. She’ll fucking hate it.
“Go on,” the doctor says.
“You give every aspect of your life to your master. Your physical needs, both sexually and otherwise, your financial needs, literally everything. Some devotees even quit their jobs and live in their master’s home.”
“Did you want that with Mia?”
I look over at her, but she doesn’t react. She just watches me. “Yes.”
She nods, glancing down at her hands for a moment.
“Is there more, Gabriel?” Dr. Nashito asks.
“Yes. In return for every need of hers being covered, the devotee does anything and everything the master wants. Anything,” I say, gazing into Mia’s eyes. “She’ll never argue, never resist, no matter what, she’ll always say yes because she wants it as much as her master does.”
“And you thought you could have that with Mia?”
“I had hoped, yes. Obviously now I know that’s not possible.”
“Do you still want it?”
Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Page 8
