Candlelight City

by Jessica Tang Von Harper

  “Hi, Marty. Is Brad home?”

  “Brad? No… he won’t be back until late. He’s out with Corine.”

  Suzie felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped onto her head. “Corine?”

  “Yeah,” said Marty. “It’s their anniversary, I think. Brad took her out to dinner.”

  Suzie’s legs felt weak. Brad was out with Corine? What did that mean? Had she completely misinterpreted his actions the day before? She had been so sure that he had expressed his true feelings for her.

  Or had he? What had he done, really? Kissed her… but he’d kissed her lots of times, as Elias, and it hadn’t meant anything. He had taken off her clothes and put his hands on her body… but again, that was something he’d done lots of times. Always as Elias. Maybe it hadn’t meant a thing. Maybe it had just been habit. Maybe he was so used to kissing her that he had done it without thinking, without meaning anything.

  Suzie felt like such a fool.

  Marty was watching her with concern, sensing that something was wrong. “Are you okay?” he asked uncertainly. “Um… do you want to come in? We’re just watching TV…. we were thinking about ordering some pizza. You want to hang out with us?”

  “Can I can sit down for a second?”

  “Of course! Come in.” Marty stepped away from the door, and Suzie stepped inside. She saw that Marty had a bunch of friends over, and they were watching performers on a singing program. Suzie found an empty spot on the couch and sat down.

  “Let me introduce you.” Marty indicated a skinny boy with curly black hair. “That’s Louis, and those two are Alfred and Maddy.” Alfred had a professorial look, with short hair, red hipster glasses and the thin beginnings of a goatee. Maddy was short and mousy, with eyes enlarged by the thick framed glasses she wore, and her black hair in a long ponytail. Maddy leaned against Alfred in a way that made Suzie guess they were a couple. She was wearing a t-shirt that displayed a picture of Einstein sticking out his tongue.

  “Everyone, this is Suzie.” When Marty introduced her, both Louis and Alfred visibly perked up.

  “THE Suzie?” Alfred asked.

  Suzie wasn’t sure what that meant. “I guess so.”

  “Marty told us that you’re in the ‘Candlelight City’ play,” said Louis. “Er… he said you’ve been rehearsing here.”

  “Did he?” Suzie could guess what that meant. Marty had probably given them a detailed account of her last visit to the apartment. She remembered sitting naked, having dinner with Brad and his family. She remembered the sauce that had gotten on her breast, and how she had sat patiently while Brad cleaned her off. It had seemed like an intimate moment between them, even if Brad’s family was there to witness it. Suzie ached for that memory.

  She realized that she didn’t want to be Suzie. It hurt too much, to be the naïve girl who had fallen in love with her co-star despite repeated reminders to herself that their sex was just a simulation for the stage. She longed to be Jenna; not just playing her in “Candlelight City” but to really be her. Jenna, who could separate the physical things she did with her body from her emotions. Jenna, who could freely give her body to Elias but who could keep her heart protected. In a way, Jenna was the opposite of Suzie. In the play, Elias had needed to work hard to get Jenna to fall in love with him. Not like Suzie, who had fallen in love so easily.

  Suzie murmured, “Brad said it was okay to practice being seen naked here. That’s what I did. That’s what I was rehearsing.” She was mumbling to herself, but the boys all caught her words and stared at her.

  “Suzie….” Marty started. He seemed embarrassed to speak. Finally, he got the words out, “Did you come here to practice being naked in front of people?” He blushed at the hopeful tone which inadvertently tinted his words.

  Suzie looked at them. Her yearning to be Jenna was overpowering. She stood. “I’ll be right back.”

  They gaped in surprise as she quickly left the apartment. She raced down the stairs to the parking lot and walked to her car, fingering the button on her keychain which popped the trunk. A maintenance man with a thin black moustache was sweeping leaves in front of the building, but Suzie ignored him. Her dress was easy; she grabbed the bottom and pulled it over her head. She had gone braless that day, so after removing her dress, all that was left was to pull down her panties and kick off her shoes. She tossed all of her clothes into her trunk and shut it. She turned, reveling in the excitement of being casually naked in the parking lot, under the bright afternoon sun. The maintenance man watched her now, but it only increased her excitement.

  She walked across the parking lot towards the stairs, knowing that the maintenance man had his eyes on her bare ass the entire time. She had to pee, but instead of waiting to use the bathroom in the apartment, she paused to squat over the grass lawn in front of the building, her legs wantonly spread, letting the maintenance man see the urine spraying out of her exposed vagina onto the grass. She allowed herself to meet his gaze, and was shocked by the intensity of his stare. Instead of giving in to her sudden wave of self-consciousness, she made herself stand slowly, allowing him to view her body as she languorously rose to her feet.

  Marty and his friends stared at her when she re-entered the apartment, shocked at her sudden nakedness. “Where’d your clothes go?” Marty stammered.

  Suzie returned to the same spot on the couch. “I’m sorry,” she answered Marty calmly. “I wouldn’t have come in wearing them if I’d known you preferred me this way.” His mouth opened and closed as he struggled to formulate a response. Suzie tossed her hair back and turned towards the television, watching it as if nothing was usual.

  The last time Brad had seen her was when he was stripping her clothes off on the sidewalk. She imagined him walking in and seeing her sitting there, still naked, as if she had been waiting all day for him to tell her she could put her clothes back on. The hint of a smile quirked her lips as she leaned against the armrest, slouching against it like a courtesan in a harem. She let her legs separate, making no effort to be modest.

  When she looked back at Marty and his friends, she was surprised at the effort they were making to not look at her. Marty looked flustered and kept his eyes glued to the television. Maddy also refused to look at her, and Alfred seemed to feel he should ignore Suzie out of respect to his girlfriend. Louis was the only one sneaking quick glances at her body, while he engaged her in small talk. Suzie pretended not to notice when his eyes would flash down to her breasts each time he asked her a question.

  “Can I get a soda?” Suzie asked Marty.

  Marty still refused to look her way, but his tone was friendly enough. “Sure, help yourself!” Suzie stood and walked to the kitchen.

  It wasn’t a big surprise when Louis came trailing after her a minute later. “Hey, can I get a coke too?” he asked. Suzie reached into the refrigerator and pulled a cold coke, passing it to him.

  “I can’t wait to see you in your play,” Louis said. “It’ll be the third time I’ve seen ‘Candlelight City’ performed, you know.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah… I saw it the first time on a trip to New York… we saw a show every night we were there. My parent’s are big theatre buffs. They’ve been taking me to see plays and musicals since I was a little kid.” Louis grinned at her.

  “How was ‘Candlelight City’ in New York? What was it like?” Suzie was interested to learn how that Jenna had been.

  “It was pretty good. The second time I saw it was better though. In New York… the theatre was really big, and our seats were kind of far. You couldn’t really see the actor’s expressions that well….”

  They continued to chat about the play while they sipped their drinks. As Louis talked, he let his eyes wander over her body, but Suzie didn’t mind. She felt more comfortable with Louis’ ogling than with Marty’s feigned obliviousness. After all, she was naked, it made sense that boys would stare at her.

  As Louis described the second time he had seen ‘Candlelight City’
in a Fresno theatre, he casually reached out and put his hand on her left breast. Suzie didn’t protest; instead, she shifted positions, moving slightly towards him and standing with her hands behind her, her hip to the side and her feet apart. She gazed at Louis with an innocent expression, as if it was perfectly reasonable that he should fondle her naked body while they spoke.

  Her lack of protest emboldened Louis, and he eagerly stroked and squeezed her breast. His hand slid down her body and pressed between her legs. Their conversation continued unabated, without any hint of the intimate contact between them, and Suzie kept her voice calm and steady, even as Louis’ fingers separated her labia and slid into her. She was excited by the sensation of helpless surrender, the idea that he was free to do whatever he liked to her, no matter how lewd or demeaning. It also thrilled her to know that her arousal was obvious to him. As his fingers played around inside her, there was no disguising how wet was getting, and his hand already glistened with her juice. Her skin was flushed, and her nipples were hard between his fingers. A quick glance showed her that she wasn’t the only one that was excited; Louis’ erection strained against his jeans.

  “Hey, Louis, can you bring me a coke too?” Marty’s voice came from the living room, and then they heard footsteps approaching. Louis quickly pulled his hands away from Suzie, and a moment later, Marty stepped in, looking back and forth between them.

  “Sure,” said Louis. “I’ll grab it right now.” He stepped away from Suzie towards the refrigerator to grab another soda. When Suzie looked at Marty, he was examining her carefully, as if suspicious of what she and Louis had been doing. Suzie didn’t know why he even cared. She walked back to the living room and took her spot on the couch. Maddy and Alfred continued to ignore her.

  Marty and Louis returned, and Louis sat down next to her. Suzie flicked her eyes at him. “Shall we continue our conversation?” she asked.

  “Sure!” Louis said. “What was I saying? I was talking about the theatre in Fresno, right?”

  “I think so,” said Suzie, but that wasn’t entirely what she meant. She crawled across the couch until she was next to him, sitting on her knees so that her breasts were at his eye level. She reached down and took his hand, bringing it up to her left breast. He looked pleased as he began to fondle her again.

  Again, his hand went between her legs, and this time Suzie had to pause mid-sentence to let out a small moan as his fingers tickled her clitoris. She reached down and pressed her hand against his erection, defining the shape in his jeans with her fingertips. What would it feel like to have his penis inside her? Would the other three still be able to ignore her if she was having sex in front of them?

  Suzie climbed into Louis’ lap, straddling him. She leaned down and pressed her lips against his, kissing him hungrily. Between her legs, she could feel the swell of his penis, and she ground her clitoris against it, gasping as the pleasure sparked through her body. He kissed his way down her neck to her breasts, sucking her nipple between his teeth and nibbling gently.

  “Get a room,” a voice muttered in disgust from behind them. It was a girl’s voice, Maddy’s voice. Suzie glanced over her shoulder, but Maddy and Alfred were still studiously watching the television. Maddy gave no indication she had spoken, but it had clearly been her voice. Suzie was dismayed. Why did they feel threatened by her? She was only trying to reach that altitude where Jenna seemed to perpetually float, that point of complete selflessness and generosity where she only existed to give pleasure to others. How could she make them understand she was there for them to use however they wanted?

  She started to ask herself what Jenna would have done. But before she could even formulate the question, she tossed it aside. She was beyond asking that question. Her thoughts moved so effortlessly into Jenna’s mind, she realized all she really needed to do was follow her own instincts. She didn’t have to imitate Jenna, she just had to be Jenna.

  She slid off of Louis and approached Maddy. Maddy glanced up nervously, wondering what she was up to. But then Maddy’s eyes became wide circles as Suzie sank to her knees at Maddy’s feet. Suzie adopted a submissive posture, her head down, her back straight, and her hands behind her back.

  “What are you doing?” Maddy demanded to know.

  Suzie lifted her head to meet Maddy’s eyes. “I’m here to give you pleasure,” she said shyly.

  Maddy shifted apprehensively. “What the heck does that mean?”

  “You know that I’m playing Jenna in ‘Candlelight City’. Marty has told you I’ve been rehearsing here. You know what Jenna is, don’t you?”

  Maddy scowled. “A prostitute.”

  “A whore,” Suzie said archly. “If you want to cook, you use a stove. If you want to keep your food cold, you use a refrigerator. If you want to receive pleasure, you use a whore. That’s what she’s for.”

  “You’re saying he’s an object? An appliance?”

  “A slave,” Suzie breathed. “Let me be your slave, Maddy. You can do whatever you want with me. Have you touched another girl’s breast before? Have you put your finger in another girl’s pussy? Do you want to? You can put your finger in mine… you can do it right now… ” She reached out to touch Maddy’s leg, tracing her fingernails over the girl’s calf.

  Maddy pulled her leg away, looking completely bewildered. She glanced at Alfred for support, but he couldn’t hide his intrigued expression. Apparently the idea of his girlfriend having a pretty naked slave had piqued his imagination, and he could no longer maintain his façade of disinterest.

  Maddy stared wide-eyed at Suzie, and Suzie decided it would be better to soften her approach. “What if I just massage your foot?” she asked. “Would that feel nice?”

  It must have seemed like a benign offer. Maddy relaxed slightly. “Um… I guess that would be fine. If you want to.”

  Suzie smiled. She carefully took Maddy’s foot in her hands and removed Maddy’s sneaker. Her fingers began to slowly massage Maddy’s heel, pressing and kneading the muscles. It wasn’t so different from what she had offered to Louis. An act of submission, giving herself completely to another’s pleasure. She focused on Maddy’s foot, trying to put the rest of her thoughts aside. As Suzie pressed her fingers against the girl’s arch, the tension seemed to drain from Maddy. The mousy girl watched Suzie patiently, as if resigned to enduring Suzie’s performance.

  Suzie kept her eyes lowered, but she could easily watch Maddy through her eyelashes. Maddy, with her thick glasses, her nervous expression, her Einstein t-shirt and faded jeans. Suzie had a sudden realization that Maddy was her. Maddy was Suzie, and Suzie had become Jenna, and the two parts of her were meeting each other. This was how they would meet: Jenna, naked and generous, willing to do anything; and Suzie, stammering and shy, intellectual but inhibited, confused and uncertain.

  Suzie raised her eyes, tracing Maddy’s features. The more she gazed at the shy girl, the more it seemed like she was looking backwards through time, seeing herself as she had been before “Candlelight City”. Had she changed so much in so short an amount of time? Could it be true that she had once been so timid and restrained? Her past self seemed so innocent now, so oblivious to the world.

  I need to bring Maddy to the other side, Suzie realized. At that moment, Suzie knew with absolute certainty that she was going to strip Maddy of her clothes and make love to her in front of the boys.

  She traced her fingers against Maddy’s heel, drawing gently figure eights with her nails. Her eyes met Maddy’s wide-eyed gaze. Keeping the shy girl’s eyes, Suzie leaned over and slid her tongue against the girl’s toes, taking the big toe between her lips and gently sucking on it. Maddy looked shocked, a deer caught in the headlights. Her breathing was uneven and her eyes were enormous. She seemed frozen.

  As Suzie licked and sucked on Maddy’s toes, she slid her hands up Maddy’s leg, feeling tense muscles through the denim. Suzie put her other hand on her own leg, so that her right palm was pressed against Maddy’s denim jeans and her left palm was p
ressed against the warm skin of her own leg. She moved her hands in parallel, and felt an illusion take hold, where the denim jeans was her own leg, and the bare skin was Maddy’s. It excited her to slide her hand up, feeling the soft warm skin, imagining that Maddy was naked under her hand, and that she was moving up Maddy’s inner thigh. At the last minute, she broke the illusion, and retreated her right hand back down Maddy’s leg. But her left hand continued up between her legs, and Suzie brazenly fingered herself while her tongue slid against Maddy’s heel. She didn’t care that the boys could see her masturbating; on the contrary, she deliberately opened her legs wide to give them a good view.

  Suzie climbed up onto the couch next to Maddy, allowing her body to press against Maddy’s side. Maddy blinked nervously at Suzie, but was gripped with a paralysis that prevented her from pulling away. Suzie leaned forward and pressed a shy kiss on Maddy’s cheek. Maddy flushed but still did not retreat.

  “I know, Suzie…” Suzie heard the words in her mind, speaking to this girl in front of her. It was Jenna’s voice. “I know how you’re feeling. You want to break out but you can’t do it yourself.” It was so easy for her to think of this shy girl as Suzie, as the girl she had once been. “You want to be free, but it’s scary to do it yourself… I’ll help you, Suzie… I’ll help you…”

  She slipped her hand down to the snap on Maddy’s jeans. When she pulled the snap open, Maddy jumped as if the low pop was as loud as a gunshot. It seemed to break her paralysis, and she reached down in a panic to push Suzie’s hand away.

  Suzie looked over Maddy’s head to Alfred. “Will you help me?” she asked, smiling. Alfred met Suzie’s gaze for a moment. Then he leaned over and hooked his fingers in the side of Maddy’s jeans. Maddy might have been able to withstand Suzie, but her resistance crumbled once her boyfriend joined in. She sat helplessly as they peeled her jeans down her legs and over her feet.