The Magnificent Wilf

by Gordon R. Dickson

  “But a delay like that’s not fair!” said Lucy.

  “You’re damn right!” said Tom.

  “Of course,” Mr. Valhinda spread his hands. “It is unfair. But with a whole galaxy to be observed and regulated, you must understand things like this can’t be dealt with in a hurry unless there is some great, overriding reason.”

  “Like what?” asked Lucy and Tom, together. They stopped and stared at each other.

  “All right, you talk,” said Tom.

  “No, you,” said Lucy.

  “All right,” said Tom, “I will—what sort of reason, Mr. Valhinda?”

  Mr. Valhinda waved a furry hand deprecatingly.

  “Oh, something that would affect the whole galaxy,” he said. “For example, suppose there was a danger of another galaxy colliding with ours, and you somehow managed to avert it. This would put consideration of your successful deed at the head of all things to be considered by the Galactic Council itself, on which this Sector of ours presently doesn’t yet qualify to have its own Representative—we’re lumped with another cluster of Sectors to elect a single Galactic Rep for all of us. But I wander off the point. Since whatever service you performed for the galaxy as a whole would need to be considered first, then any other items connected with you would also be dealt with at the same time. But otherwise, as I say, our estimate would be something like eight hundred years—as your Race counts them.”

  Tom sat silent, digesting this information.

  Lucy gave him a look that plainly said, “All right, you wanted to talk. Go ahead.”

  “Er—isn’t there anything you could suggest?” he said to Mr. Valhinda. “I mean, isn’t there something we could try to do about this situation?”

  “Short of some large heroic action that would benefit the whole galaxy,” said Mr. Valhinda, “I have no idea. Perhaps you can come up with one.”

  There was a poignant moment of silence in the room.

  “I can’t,” said Tom, glumly. “But I can’t go on being Ambassador-at-Large as things stand, just as if there was no problem at all. On the other hand I hate to head back to Earth with them thinking about us the way they’re doing.”

  “I would suggest that you don’t head back to Earth at all right now,” said Mr. Valhinda. “The Prar’Ruhr deduced the presence of our Sector Council here even from the few words you said to it about other intelligences it might enjoy talking to; and, telekinetically, it dispatched a message spore to us on the Council, giving us the gist of what had happened. Naturally, we told your home world immediately, thinking the news would please them.”

  “Oh, good!” said Lucy. “Were they pleased?”

  “Far from it, Pm afraid,” said Mr. Valhinda.

  He tapped the surface of a table next to one arm of his chair, and its gleaming top produced a slot and expelled a sheet of paper. He passed it to Tom, who looked at it with Lucy.

  It was the facsimile of a front page of the newspaper that had produced the sheet with other devastating headlines from a button on Tom’s Assassin’s harness, earlier. This one read:

  Ambassador-At-Large And Consort Banqueted

  And Entertained While Sharks Move Forward

  With Plan To Impoverish Earth

  Parents Play, And Are Applauded For

  Helping Minor Alien Race, While

  Human Future Sways In Balance

  Worldwide plebiscite votes overwhelmingly

  that Tom and Lucy Parent should no longer

  be considered members of the human race

  “Oh, Tom!” said Lucy. “Just what I was afraid of. We can never go home!”

  “There now …” Tom put an arm around her.

  “I’m not upset,” she said harshly, sitting very stiffly inside his arm and refusing to blink. “I am perfectly all right!”

  “Of course,” said Tom. But he kept his arm where it was.

  “There must be something we can do!” Lucy glared at Mr. Valhinda.

  “Well, you can try doing another good deed with one of our Sector Races, who also have trouble with the Sharks,” said Mr. Valhinda. “Possibly if you were successful, you might be able to force the Sharks to withdraw their claim to the Jaktal debt. With that out of the line-up, there would be no more danger of a Sector court foreclosing upon the Earth’s futures to pay off the Jaktal debt—which is what your Race seems chiefly worried about.”

  “But you’ve got no specific suggestions on how we could start?” asked Tom. “Outside of my briefing, I don’t have any idea of how we could find a world where we could be useful.”

  “I’m afraid I don’t,” said Mr. Valhinda.

  Nonetheless, his eyes met Tom’s and Tom found a feeling growing in him that Mr. Valhinda was actually hinting at an action that they might take; but was determined not to commit himself by directly suggesting it.

  “Perhaps then,” Tom said, casually, “you could tell us something about the Sharks themselves. I assume the word Shark is used to refer to Beings from all sorts of different worlds in the Sector, all of whom act in similar ways within the Sector Stock Market— wherever that is—”

  “Actually, it’s here on Cayahno,” said Mr. Valhinda. “And you’re quite right to think they come from a number of different civilized worlds. However, there is the curious fact that they’re all, physically, very similar Beings. They all come from worlds with extensive oceans on them. A very common form of life throughout our galaxy on such worlds. I believe you even have primitive ocean creatures on your own world which would resemble them physically.”

  Lucy had gradually unstiffened. Tom took back his arm, which had itself grown rather stiff in its position; in spite of the fact their chairs were side by side.

  “You mean,” Lucy asked, “sharks like our sharks?”

  “That’s a good way of putting it,” said Mr. Valhinda. “Yes, as Tom just suggested, the Sharks are marked by behavior; but in fact also by their general physical features. There are varieties even among your sharks, I understand. There is the one with a wide head … what is its name?”

  “The hammerhead shark?” said Lucy.

  “Yes, that’s the being I was thinking of,” said Mr. Valhinda. “Although most sharks more resemble the general shape of the majority of your shark families—of which, I believe, an outstanding specimen is the great white shark.”

  “But sharks are water creatures,” put in Lucy. “Is the Stock Exchange here on Cayahno equipped for them to live under water so they can do things there?”

  “Oh yes,” said Mr. Valhinda, “if necessary. But most of the accepted, civilized Sharks that you will find here are perfectly happy either in air or water. You may have remarked the Council Representative from Xxxytl, a counterpart of a small creature called a ‘seahorse’ in your own oceans. The Race of the Xxxytl Representative were also underwater creatures, but learned to adapt quite happily to either atmosphere or water environments—though, it must be admitted that, like most of us they used technology at one time to enable them to do so.”

  “But why are Sharks from different worlds so much alike?” said Tom.

  “You hardly need to ask that question,” said Mr. Valhinda, “if you examine even the sharks of your own world. Consider what efficient predators they are, and how well adapted to their liquid environment. They have stayed physically pretty much the same for some millions of years on your world; and, although on other worlds they may have evolved by different routes, their physical shape, simply because of its efficiency, has tended to be repeated.”

  “So,” said Lucy, thoughtfully, “the Sharks are sharks. And if evolution makes them look alike, it also makes them act alike.”

  “You could put it that way,” said Mr. Valhinda.

  Tom’s feeling that Mr. Valhinda was hinting at a certain direction for them to take, suddenly mack’ a possible connection in his mind.

  “And do you know of any world,” he asked, “that’s having trouble right now with the Sharks, besides our own world?”


  “Why, yes,” said Mr. Valhinda, “now that you mention it, the home world of the Xxxytl Race has recently been having a lot of trouble with their local Sharks. We have discovered that the essentially Barbarian Sharks of that world are closely in touch with the Sharks of the Stock Exchange; and the Xxxytl have been suffering from the local ones more than ever, just lately.”

  Mr. Valhinda coughed.

  “Understand me,” he said. “I do not mean to imply that the Xxxytl Shark trouble has made them in any way partial to your Race and its present Shark problem.”

  “Of course, that never crossed my mind,” said Tom. “But all this is very interesting. You say they’re having some extra trouble with them right now?”

  “Since you ask—as a matter of fact, yes,” said Mr. Valhinda. “As your briefing undoubtedly informed you, it is a matter of principle that the Sector Council never interferes with internal Racial problems on specific worlds. Otherwise it couldn’t survive. So, we’ve been forced officially to ignore this problem between the Sharks of Xxxytl and the Xxxytl Race, itself—which has been the only one on that world to qualify for Sector citizenship; though the Xxxytl are, above all, humane, scholarly and useful.”

  “But small,” put in Lucy.

  “True,” said Mr. Valhinda. “However, don’t underestimate them. On the other hand, their very civilized attitudes put them at a disadvantage to the Sharks; since the Xxxytl never attack the Sharks themselves, only defend themselves, if attacked. But the Sharks attack at any time they want; and sometimes catch a city of the Xxxytl unprepared, causing great damage and loss of life.”

  “I don’t know how we could help them,” said Tom, thoughtfully, “but perhaps Lucy and I could go to Xxxytl and look at the situation—that is, if the Xxxytl people wouldn’t mind our doing that?”

  “They’re a very hospitable Race, and wise enough to know that an Alien mind may see something that they have overlooked as a possibility in defending themselves. I suggest you go by all means. If you like, I will contact my fellow Representative on the Council, and arrange with him for the Xxxytl’s in their chief city of Nxxx to welcome you.”

  Tom looked at Lucy.

  “Yes, why don’t we?” Lucy said. “I liked that little Xxxytl Representative.”

  “So did I,” said Tom. They both looked back at Mr. Valhinda.

  “Yes,” said Lucy, “please arrange for us to go there and be welcomed in Nxxx.”

  Welcomed they were. Some days later, when their spaceship dropped them off at about two thousand feet above the surface of Xxxytl, they were met by a flying platform, which rose to meet their spaceship as it hovered on atmospheric drive above a rolling countryside, green with meadows and clumps of what looked like trees.

  Tom and Lucy stood in the open air-lock just inside the invisible weather shield, peering downward.

  “There’s no one on it!” said Lucy.

  “Yes there is,” said Tom. “Adjust your eyes for telescopic with terminal microscopic.”

  Both of them had been sent by Mr. Valhinda to see a Doctor of Physical Alterations on Cayahno just before they left. He had taught them a few simple exercises to adjust their eyes physically to have either telescopic or microscopic vision—or even a combination of the two, which was what Tom was suggesting to Lucy right now.

  Lucy did adjust her eyes accordingly. It was like seeing the platform through a telescope, then concentrating on a small area of it with a magnifying glass.

  “Oh. Yes,” said Lucy. “I see him now. A little seahorselike Being, just like the Representative on the Council.”

  “I suppose it’s like any people you don’t know very well—they all look alike until you’ve known them for a while,” said Tom. “Like the shepherd that can tell each one of his sheep at a glance; but they all look exactly the same to somebody who’s seeing them for the first time.”

  The platform came up to the air-lock and the Xxxytl on it waved his fins, or whatever they were, vigorously at them. Like his fellow Race-member on the Council, he was hovering in air, above the platform’s surface.

  “So good to see you.” he squeaked in English—which they were only able to hear because they were wearing translingualphones in their ears; and these also amplified or diminished the sound of what was being said to them, so that it all came in on a comfortable level.

  “Welcome to Xxxytl,” the little being went on. “Please step on to the platform. Thank you. I am Hmmm.”

  Tom and Lucy stepped on the platform, which immediately dropped down from the spaceship and headed away from the declining sun of this world; which was sligtldy larger than the sun of Earth, and a more pale yellow in color, but altogether not that different.

  “Pleased to know you,” said Lucy. “I’m Consort Lucy Parent, and this is Ambassador and Apprentice Galactic Assassin Tom Parent. I take it you were expecting us, then?”

  “Oh, most certainly!” said Hmmm. “Word came from Cayahno a good third of a day ago. I was fortunate enough to be picked as your greeter-and-guide: and was ready to leave to meet you as soon as the spaceship messaged us it was in the atmosphere. You are familiar with the Xxxytl Race?”

  “I wouldn’t say familiar,” said Tom, cautiously. “But we’ve sat in the Sector Council with your Representative there, and we were both very impressed by him.”

  “Yes, he is a splendid Xxxt,” said Hmmm. “I understand your Race is bisexual. As it happens I’m being male today, myself. Does this suit you? Would you prefer me to be female?”

  “Whichever you want,” said Lucy, graciously.

  “Oh, but it’s no trouble to be whatever you would like me to be,” said Hmmm. “It’s merely a matter of mood, you know. There was just something about today that made me feel maleish. ‘And then I think of many things, like rushings-out and rescuings …’ That is from a poem by your A. A. Milne, a poem about a young male Human. I am a fan of your Human Civilization—that was why I was chosen to be your greeter-and-guide.”

  “And I suppose that’s why you speak English so well,” said Tom.

  “Do I really?” said Hmmm, sending his fins into a literal flurry of activity. “How kind of you to say so! I know it’s not exactly true. The translingualphones can handle the language of almost any civilized Race, of course, but it is so nice to be able to speak to Beings in their own tongue.”

  “Yes, it is,” said Tom. “I’m afraid the Consort Lucy and I must apologize for not being able to speak Xxxytl equally well. For example, I’m even now a little bit unsure about your name. You said it was something like Hum?”

  “Hmmm,” said Hmmm. “A small difference.”

  “Hmmm,” said Tom, trying it out. Lucy also pronounced the word.

  “But you say it excellently!” said Hmmm. “It is a shame, is it not, that our physical structures prohibit us from actually sounding like members of the Race we want to speak to in their own language. Nonetheless, if you mentioned my name to another Xxxytl who knew me, he would know immediately who you were talking about.”

  “Well, good,” said Tom, heartily. “I’m glad we come that close.”

  “You will not be offended if I say,” added Hmmm, “that the Consort Lucy does, in fact, pronounce it a little bit better than you do, Mr. Ambassador. Possibly the higher tones of her voice allow her to approach more closely the lilt with which the latter part of the syllable needs to be said in order to give it a polite intonation.”

  “Maybe I should use a translingualphone,” said Tom.

  “Oh, no, no, no,” said Hmmm. “There’s absolutely no need at all. There—if you’ll look ahead now, you will be able to see the tops of the towering buildings in the center of our greatest city. The city of Nxxx.”

  “Nxxx?” said Tom and Lucy, simultaneously.

  “I’m sorry,” said Hmmm. “I was endeavoring to imitate your human pronunciation of it. Actually the name of the city is Nxxx. I hope I haven’t confused you.”

  “Not at all,” said Lucy. “In fact you’re quite right. But
if you don’t mind Tom and I would like to try to call it Nxxx, if you can understand us when we do.”

  Hmmm’s fins went into agitation again.

  “That would be very, very agreeable—in fact, polite in the extreme,” he said. “We should be landing on one of the buildings very shortly now.”

  And indeed, they had been approaching the city rapidly. They were still about fifteen hundred feet up, and Tom and Lucy could see all of it at a glance. It covered an area of approximately ten square miles by Earthly measure; and was built back a very short distance from the shore of a blue-green ocean that stretched away to the horizon.

  Oceanward of the city—which was built on somewhat higher ground—there was a strip of greenery, and then a dark, clay-colored shore, sloping down to the waves of some very Earth-like surf, that came in to exhaust themselves on the clayey beach.

  The city, in fact, was very like a miniature of a Human city, its tallest buildings making a clump in the center of the built-up area, with streets that seemed hardly a few inches in width between the scaled-down skyscrapers at the city’s center point.

  But what was most different about the city, however, was the fact that it looked like an enormous toy assembled from thousands upon thousands of tiny building blocks carved from different jewels, glinting with all conceivable colors in the afternoon light of the pale sun. The buildings lost something of their toylike aspect and the streets showed a more respectable width as their platform descended; and when it finally landed on a roof-top landing space of one of the tallest buildings, Tom and Lucy found that the area they were in was a good forty yards square.

  “I would invite you down inside one of our structures,” said Hmmm, “but there is a slight problem of—er—”

  “We completely understand,” said Tom. “We’re entirely too large and clumsy to come inside any of your buildings. But there’s no disappointment to this for us at all. We assumed that’d be the case.”

  “How thoughtful of you,” said Hmmm. “In any case, our own Table of Regents, who legislate not only for this city but for the whole world, has proposed that they meet you on the rooftop of a building not far from here, which is designed as a feeding place for us, and has been equipped with furniture and foods to suit Human taste.”