The Magnificent Wilf

by Gordon R. Dickson

Again, the mountains backed up, but this time, not as far.

  Tom followed them, taking a long step forward, carrying the instrument Drakvil had built. Again the mountains backed, but certainly no more than they had the second time, possibly a little less. In spite of that, Tom took a second step forward and (breed them to back up once more—though, clearly, this time they only backed a fraction of the distance they had backed the first time.

  Tom picked up the instrument and stepped forward once more. But this time Lucy saw him stagger slightly; and it was as if she felt something inside her tear open.

  She started toward him, nearly fell over backward, and realized the anchor was Rex. She shoved Rex’s leash into the hand of Mr. Rejilla.

  “Hold him!” she cried; and, turning on her toe like a dancer, ran as fast as she could toward Tom.

  Vaguely, she was aware of Mr. Rejilla’s voice behind her and of the growling and wild barking of Rex back with Mr. Rejilla. She could also feel the mounting, murderous, icy emotions from the Extra-Galactics trying to freeze the life within her. But now all that they assaulted her with was something outside and unimportant, like the stamping of Shark feet on a clay-hard shore.

  The only thing that mattered was the danger to Tom. TOM filled all her consciousness. Everything else was unimportant.

  She reached him. Her hands closed on him.

  “Come on, Tom!” she cried, trying to pull him away. “Leave that! Come on!”

  “No—” he said, thickly, leaning against her like a drunken man. “—Stay …”

  “No!” she shouted.

  She jerked Drakvil’s contraption out of his hands. It came easily, as if almost all Tom’s strength was gone. Holding the device, she ran to the first mountain and literally jabbed it against the gray skin.

  “Take that!” she screamed. “Take that, you—you bastards!”

  The mountain backed away from her. She followed, keeping the point of the device against its great, gray side. It flinched back, moving away more swiftly now. She burned with fury. This thing would kill her Tom— her TOM! Again and again she jabbed the end of the device right against its body.

  “Take that—” she was still shouting, when there was a roar behind her; and Rex was with her, his leash trailing loose.

  Snarling, he flung himself at the edge of the mountain she was attacking and closed his teeth on it, ripping loose a section of gray hide, and revealing pink skin underneath.

  “Take that!” cried Lucy, tears streaming down her face. She jabbed the point of the instrument right against the pink flesh; and the mountain before her went back faster than before, but not fast enough to escape the end of the instrument.

  She felt the mountain’s emanations beating at her, somewhere out on the fringe of her consciousness. But they meant nothing, now. These things would kill Tom if she let them get away. She kept shouting and pushing the tip of the instrument against the one before her … and suddenly, without warning, it began to roll over. It rolled all the way over, until it was balanced on its peak; and it began to whimper, audibly.

  Rex was still savaging it. She turned the point of the machine toward the three other mountains; but before she could take a step toward them, they too rolled over on their peaks and began to make whimpering noises.

  The wildness in her suddenly emptied out, leaving her nothing but a shell. She staggered, and would have fallen, if a pair of arms had not caught her from behind. Tom’s voice spoke in her ear.

  “Are you all right?” he was asking.

  “I’m fine,” she said—and collapsed completely, dropping off into a black nothingness.

  She opened her eyes to find herself lying on something soft, and Tom sitting beside her, looking down at her concernedly.

  “Tom,” she said, reaching out to him with one hand. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine,” said Tom. “The question is, how are you? Hey, you’re awake!”

  “Of course I am,” she said, and started to sit up, but he pushed her back down on what she now perceived to be a very large bed. Tom was sitting beside it, in the one chair in sight, in a room with sunny blue walls and clouds drifting lazily, across them and across the ceiling.

  “Where are we?” she asked.

  “Oh, in a room that Mr. Rejilla moved us to. You know how he does that,” said Tom. “But this is wonderful! You’re awake!”

  He hugged and kissed her, delightedly.

  “Why shouldn’t I be awake?” demanded Lucy, coming up for air. “Tom, let me sit up! There’s nothing wrong with me!”

  Reluctantly, he let her prop herself up against the padded headrest of the bed.

  “What happened?” she asked. “How long have I been out?”

  “Eight days,” said Tom, solemnly.

  “Eight days!” she said. “How could I be unconscious that long?”

  “Well …” Tom cleared his throat. “Mr. Rejilla called in an Oprinkian—I suppose you could call him a doctor … anyway, an Oprinkian who could help. He said that according to Human standards, you’d just fainted; but he recommended you stay fainted long enough for your unconscious to completely sort out all the effects of your emotional fugue—”

  “My emotional what?”

  “Fugue,” said Tom. “Apparently you were capable of the best emotional fugue of any of us there. But it puts a tremendous drain on your personal emotional orientation, according to the Oprinkian doctor; so that was why he recommended you sleep until your cognitive sense sorted it all out; then you’d wake naturally.”

  “But eight days!” said Lucy.

  “The Oprinkian doctor said it was for the best,” said Tom. “Their medicine’s evidently gone far beyond the kind we have. They believe in letting the body heal itself; but sometimes it requires gentle assistance, he said. So he told your unconscious to stay asleep until you’d sorted yourself out, completely.”

  “I’ve never heard of such a thing!” said Lucy. “I certainly didn’t need eight days’ sleep. I was just relieved, that’s all, once the Extra-Galactics gave up— they did give up, didn’t they?”

  “Completely,” said Tom. “So completely we could bring in some of our own Galaxy’s trans-linguists, who were able to establish communication with them. They begged everybody’s pardon most abjectly for venturing into our Galaxy without an invitation. They insisted they had never had any idea of trying to conquer us— but the linguists told us that in their experience and with their instruments, they had no hesitation in pronouncing this a bald-faced lie.”

  “Of course it was!” said Lucy. “Is Rex all right? He came along and helped.”

  “Yes,” said Tom. “He’s fine. But he came along only after he saw you were winning.”

  “Well, he’s only a dog,” said Lucy. “And when he did come he helped a lot. He tore off part of one’s outer armor, so I was really able to jab it with that thing Drakvil made.”

  “Yes,” said Tom. “But you were the one who really made them give up. Mr. Rejilla said he’d been informed by our own experts that nothing like that had ever been accomplished in all recorded Galactic history. By the way, the experts also testified before the Sector Council that we Humans should have no trouble controlling the former Jaktal Empire, including the Jaktals themselves. However, they did finally send a team to remeasure the latent barbarism level of our Human population. This was at the demand of one of the Sector Council Representatives—you remember the one that looked like a walrus? He insisted we might be a possible danger to other Civilized Races, since one of us had been able to conquer the Extra-Galactic invaders.”

  “Why, what could make him think we’d be a danger?” said Lucy.

  “Well, just between you and me, and judging by our Human history—anyway,” replied Tom, “Hmmm and Mr. Rejilla, as the incoming Oprinkian Representative, protested strongly. But the motto of the Council is ‘play safe!’—so they sent this team of experts to Earth to recheck. But one of the team that was going took me aside privately beforehand. He told me
there was nothing to worry about. Everyone on the team knew it was unnecessary. They knew they’d just find confirming evidence we were past the minimum level required for a Civilized rating; and this re-examination was really unnecessary—simply a sort of bureaucratic endorsement of our Race.”

  “Good!” said Lucy. “I feel wonderful!”

  She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. This brought her face to face with a mirror-section of the blue, cloud-populated wall; and she saw she was now wearing a regal pink gown with a golden sash at her waist and a long train, all of which somehow managed to suit exactly with the coloring of her own skin and hair. In addition, her hair had been elaborately coiffured, high on her head. That, and her being dressed like this, must have happened while she was still asleep. Miraculously, hair and dress seemed not to have been disturbed at all by her lying on them. Then she noticed that above her hair floated a small constellation of miniature stars, busily orbiting each other in a rhythmic dance. As she watched, one of them swooped down and returned a single stray hair to its proper position.

  “What on earth?” she said, turning to Tom—and noticed for the first time that he was wearing a sort of medieval suit of soft red, with a short jacket, and trousers that tapered to a tight fit at his ankles. A long cape hung from his shoulders, scarlet on the inside and white on the outside.

  “What are we all dressed up for?” she demanded.

  “Well, you see—” Tom began; but before he could finish, Mr. Rejilla and Hmmm both appeared.

  “Hay-lo!” said Mr. Rejilla, happily, in English. “So good to see you on your feet and totally conscious, Lucy! All Cayahno has been waiting this moment, the streets decorated for some time. Crowds are already gathered to express thankfulness to you for saving us from the Extra-Galactic invaders. If you are up to it now, we will go ahead with the procession through the streets, up to the special banquet prepared for you and Tom.”

  “Banquet? Banquet?” said Lucy.

  “Yes, indeed,” said Hmmm. “It is your human custom, is it not, to celebrate great events with a banquet? All of the individuals of the various races on Cayahno are trying very hard to do things the Human way to honor you.”

  “They are?” said Lucy, looking around her. Her eyes went back to the mirror surface in the wall directly before her. She studied herself.

  “Then shall we go?” asked Hmmm, after a few moments of this.

  “Oh, I couldn’t possibly go right away,” said Lucy, turning to look at herself from the side. The mirror surface immediately produced two extra, flanking mirror surfaces, projecting into the room. Lucy turned for a look at herself from the back. “In a couple of hours, perhaps,” she said.

  “Of course!” said Mr. Rejilla, immediately. “We will be back in touch with you in two of your hours, then.”

  He and Hmmm vanished.

  “Two hours?” Tom asked.

  “Well, of course,” said Lucy. “I want to take a shower and—”

  She looked at him.

  “—did you know when I was going to wake up?” she asked. “And where did they come from, anyway?”

  “I didn’t know; and I don’t know,” said Tom. “The clothes just appeared—I found myself wearing mine at the same time when I noticed you suddenly were wearing that dress you’ve got on now, with those little stars moving around your head.”

  “And when was that?”

  “Well,” said Tom, “just before you woke up.”

  “Well, somebody must have known,” said Lucy. “Where can I take my shower? is there a bathroom around here?”

  “Right through that door, I think,” said Tom.

  He had pointed past Lucy; and she turned to look. There was a door in the wall that had not been there a moment before.

  “That’s the way things are, here,” Tom said. “An advanced technology, of course. Things just appear when you need them—or express a want for them. I haven’t been through that door; but I’ll bet you there’s a bathroom beyond it—just like the bathrooms back home.”

  “Well, I aim to find out,” said Lucy, heading for it. But Tom was right, it was a bathroom.

  Two hours later, redressed and satisfied with her reflection in the mirror, Lucy was back in the room with Tom who had been dozing, meanwhile, on the bed. At any rate he opened his eyes and got hastily back on his feet when she spoke to him.

  “You’re ready?” he said, getting up off the bed.

  “Come to think of it, how did you take a shower with those little stars zooming around your head?”

  “It didn’t seem to bother them,” said Lucy, “it was probably my imagination, but I could almost swear I heard little tiny voices laughing and saying things like ‘whee!”

  “Are you wearing something different now?” asked Tom, giving her a puzzled look.

  “No,” said Lucy, defiantly. Her gown was now a deeper shade of pink. Almost provokingly, the mirror in the bathroom had insisted, and the mirror out here agreed, that the outfit still worked beautifully with her skin and hair coloring.

  “Anyway,” she said, “I’m all ready and we seem to be all right. Shall we call Mr. Rejilla and—”

  Immediately Mr. Rejilla and Hmmm were there.

  “Were you listening?” demanded Lucy.

  “Listening?” said Mr. Rejilla. “Oh, I understand what you mean. No, we were merely reminded that you were now ready to go. Something, perhaps, like your alarm clock—only different.”

  “I see,” said Lucy. “Well, I’m ready. What’s next?”

  “We go,” said Hmmm.

  And immediately, as a group they were floating forward along a silver carpet seemingly suspended in mid-air between buildings on either side—all four of them, plus Rex, who had appeared from nowhere and was clearly on his best behavior. He only panted at Tom and Lucy, and gave each a lick on the hand.

  The sides of the buildings on either side were stepped back every three or four stories as they rose, leaving level areas, like patios in mid-air, on which were congregated,Beings of every shape and description. As their group appeared, a thunderous cheering began and followed along with them as they went.

  “Is it not just as you would have it on Earth?” asked Mr. Rejilla, proudly, in Lucy’s right ear.

  “Well, yes,” said Lucy, “I mean—exactly!”

  The crowds on either hand were not only cheering but throwing what seemed to be colored lights at them, which arced up into the air and then disappeared before they came down. Among them, also, banners were being held aloft, with words in English painted upon them. The messages they displayed were all in English, but with some small errors.

  HOORAY LUCY

  —said one in huge letters; and beneath it in smaller printing, were the added words—

  ALSO TOM AND REX

  —And that was the general tenor of most of the banners they saw, though no two of them exactly agreed with each other, “LUCY, MAGNIFICENT WIF” said one, and another almost right next to it said “MAGNIFICENT WIVE AND CONSORT LUCY. ALL HURRAH!”

  “HUMANS FOREVER,” announced a third one a little farther along; and even farther yet, a very large one in silver letters against a purple background, upheld by what looked like a group of skinny kangaroos, read “LUCY! DOMINATOR AND DEFENDER OF OUR GALAXY.”

  At first it had seemed as if they had a very long distance to go to reach a building that looked as if it was built of white stone, at the far end of the silver carpet. But they approached it more quickly than they had expected; and it was not long before they were floating up carpet-covered steps into what looked something like a Greek temple from the outside.

  Lucy assumed they were to continue on inside. But to her surprise, they stopped at the top of the steps in the little, open level area between the outer pillars, and a number of other Beings came from inside the building, most of them recognizable as Representatives from the Sector Council—each of which lumbered, swam, hopped or slithered up to Tom and Lucy to offer their personal congratu
lations and thanks for the defeat of the Extra-Galactics.

  Lucy saw Hmmm apparently saying something in Tom’s ear; and at almost the same moment she heard Mr. Rejilla speaking in hers, over the noise of the crowd.

  “Turn around, now,” said Mr. Rejilla.

  Tom and Lucy both turned. Unbelievably, but undeniably, the narrow street between the high buildings they had just come up had apparently receded into the far background; and before them was a wide open space, crowded with what must be literally hundreds of thousands of Beings. Banners were everywhere and there was a continual cheering going on, from one part of the audience if not from some other.

  “This is just like the way they do it on your Human world, isn’t it?” said Mr. Rejilla, delightedly again, in Lucy’s ear.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Tom in her other ear.

  “Oh, Tom,” said Lucy, almost in tears, “if these were only our own people. But they’d never do this. We can never go back!”

  He put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to him.

  “Never mind,” he said, “they always say you can’t go home again. But we’ve got you, me, and Rex. We can live anywhere. Maybe in years to come our people will understand—”

  He broke off, because at that moment three of the Council Members—the walrus-like Representative and the snake-like Representative, along with the one that looked like a tree—appeared, floating up to her from Mr. Rejilla’s other side bearing what looked like a platter—padded and covered with a quilted, silvery, satin-smooth cloth. Underneath the cloth was something about the size and shape of a birthday cake.

  The cheering, and other noises from the crowd, quieted immediately. The hush was awe-inspiring, after the constant noise that had followed Tom and Lucy from the time they made their appearance at the beginning of the white carpet. Only a couple of voices, calling Tom and Lucy’s names with what might almost have been a Human accent, were to be heard, faint in the distance.

  But now the three representatives, carrying whatever it was they had under the silvery cloth, were stopping before Lucy. The tree-like Representative that spoke only by waxing its branches let go of the platter and began to wave at her.