And There An End, But Now They Rise Again
Page 1
e An End, But Now They Rise Again
Dominic Lyne
Published by Degraded Discord, 2015
an imprint of DPL Publishing
www.dom-lyne.co.uk
Text copyright © Dominic Lyne, 2015
The Author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
Cover design by Dominic Lyne © 2015
All Rights Reserved.
Table of Contents
And There An End, But Now They Rise Again
About the Author
And There An End, But Now They Rise Again
The stars burn in the sky, illuminating the darkness and shining their lies down upon him. Lucas sits in silence, his back pressed against the cold wood of the bench. His head tilted back as he stares up into a lie. The stars don’t burn in the sky, or rather they do but his eyes cannot see them. Each one deleted by the haze of the city’s light. He imagines they are there, waiting for him to ask them a question.
With a sigh he leans forward, rests his elbows on his knees and cradles his head in his hands. His face wet, the tracks of his emotions drying salty against his cheeks. He sniffs loudly and closes his eyes. With no one around he can be alone with his thoughts. He smiles coldly at the perfection of his tears rolling out from within his imperfect frame.
The noise in his head battles with that of his playlist, striving for dominance against the soundtrack of the scene. It argues its point. It argues against the faint veil of happiness that surrounds his daily life. Being loved is all very well but only if the images align and both read from the same page.
Across the city, in a room battling his own demons, his boyfriend exists. His current actions unknown but Lucas has a good idea of what they could be. The thought is enough to form a smile but too little to bring an interval of silence. The noise continues and the stars still await their question.
A year ago he would have numbed the pain. Brought about silence through a line, a glass, a bottle. Several. He would have drowned out everything and left the voices gasping for air, their questions unanswered as he kissed the lips of oblivion. Now he faces it unarmed and naked. He stares it straight in the eyes. Oblivion replaced with oblivion.
Using the back of his hand, Lucas wipes his face. Blinks out the last of his tears and looks back up at the night sky. You fuckers, he thinks. You’re all fucking lies. Burnt out and dead before you reach my eyes. What good are your answers?
Just as good as your own, the noise buzzes, vibrating through his mind.
Fuck you.
Fuck you too.
Lucas shakes his head sharply from side to side. Lets out a groan and slaps the side of his face with his hand. Just leave me alone for one minute. One minute would feel like a lifetime.
With a shudder he pulls his leather jacket closer against his body. Crossing his arms he allows his focus to blur. Staring into nothing whilst his mind spins through a series of thoughts, not lingering on one long enough to gain a meaning. What good will this all achieve? What do you think will be the outcome?
Lucas shrugs his shoulders. You tell me.
Nothing. Nothing like you are. Nothing like you have always been.
A sigh. Lucas closes his eyes and tilts his head backwards, before allowing it to drop all the way forward where it hangs limply. He focuses on his breathing. Taking long, slow, deep breaths. He ignores the noise, cutting short each thought before it finishes each sentence. It takes all of his energy, the bubble of frustration eats the final crumbs and he resets the system with a punch to the side of his head.
“Fuck this,” he spits. Easing a Pall Mall Red from its box, he lights the cigarette, his hands trembling. The inhalation pulls the smoke deep into his lungs and he holds it there. Counting to five before exhaling slowly. “Fuck this.” He takes another draw of the cigarette, this time counting to ten before releasing the smoke through his nostrils.
Lucas gets to his feet and stretches. Adjusts his jeans and takes another look at the hazy sky. He imagines one star and smiles. I have a question for you. No, not a question, an observation. Doesn’t it suck to be hidden… “Oh, fuck this.’ He cuts the thought short. “What is the fucking point?”
With an eye roll he throws his cigarette butt to the floor and crushes its corpse under his Dr Martens boot as he walks away.
“I guess it’s just something I’m finally ready to face up to. I’ve been ignoring it for all my life and doing so has got me nowhere.” Lucas lights the end of his cigarette. He stares into the space in front of him, clenching his jaw tightly as he thinks over what he has just said.
His boyfriend Alex adjusts himself on the sofa, watching Lucas’ profile intensely. His hand placed firmly on Lucas’ leg. “If it’s something you need to do then I support it fully. I just don’t know how you’re gonna go about it. Without stating the obvious, I guess the decision is down to you.”
“I’ve already thought it through.” Lucas turns his head to look at Alex. “I know what I need to do and I’m going to go through with it. It’s just going to be hard. There’s a lot I have to consider.”
“Have you spoken about it in therapy?”
“Yeah, I have, at length.”
“And what was the outcome?”
“My therapist is all in favour of it. Thinks it might do me a lot of good. At the end of the day, I guess it’s about facing up to my fears and the reality of it.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Everything is easier said than done. It’s not a question about ease; it’s about necessity. This is something I need to do rather than just wanting to. It could go either way; open up so many closed doors. It could overwhelm me completely. But, as I said, I need to do it. I need to visit her grave. I need to see it.”
Alex sighs, rubs Lucas’ leg and then withdraws his hand. He sucks on his bottom lip, searching for the right words to follow. “If it’s something you need to do then do it. Is there a timeframe? I mean are you aiming to complete the journey by a certain point?”
Lucas sighs. Blinks his eyes. “This is only the beginning. I know I want to see it on the anniversary of her death. I know that much.”
“Okay.” Alex closes his eyes briefly before reaching for his Pall Mall rolling tobacco and quickly rolls himself a cigarette. Click. Flame. Inhale. He breathes out slowly. “As long as you feel ready to do this.”
‘I don’t, but I guess I never will. It’ll never be the right moment, the right time. I just know I can’t go on like this.”
“I know how you feel. I was the same when I visited Rose’s grave for the first time. I was overwhelmed by the feelings of guilt that it had taken me a year to face up to the reality of it. The guilt and anger ate away at me before I went. Then I saw it and everything melted away. I faced the reality of the situation. The real world pulled back the curtains and I stood staring at it. The realisation hit like a car crash, and I went spinning out of control. The gates opened and all I could do was fall to the floor and cry. She is never coming back. She never will. Never will she be proud of me again. I’ll never hear her voice, her laughter again. It all hit at once and silenced every voice in my head. I felt her arms come out and hug me. I hurt the most I’ve ever have but at the same time…” Alex’s voice breaks. “At the same time I felt so at peace.”
Lucas watches Alex’s eyes mist over. He reaches across and squeezes his leg. “I’m so proud of you for how you did that. You faced it all alone. I can’t imagine what you went through.”
Alex smiles. “I just hope seeing your mother’s grave will bring you the s
ame release. Since going the flashbacks have subsided. It’s like in those three hours I spent just sitting and talking to her she gave me permission to move on. She consented to the continuation of my life. It was so strange, Lucas. Being close to her body gave me the same calm she always brought out in me. It was as thought she was sat with me. That she forgave me.”
“Forgave you?”
“Forgave me for not being good enough to save her. That she knew I did everything I could. Fuck, Lucas, she’s never coming back.” A tear drops from his eye, he wipes it away with his finger. He coughs. “But that doesn’t matter. We’re not talking about me. I just wanted you to know that I have some understanding for what you are going through.”
“Of course it matters. I love you so anything you say is important. But thank you for sharing it with me.”
Alex smiles and blinks his eyes. “The same applies to you.”
“I have something I want to ask but you don’t have to do it.”
“Ask away.”
“Will you come with me?”
“Of course I will.”
“I just want someone there with me because I don’t know how I’m going to react.”
“You don’t need to give an explanation. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. I just, y’know, wish I could take the pain away. I’m so worried about you.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“I’m your boyfriend, of course I need to be. I rarely