The Magic Cupcake

by River Laurent

“You had that coming for sure,” Nina declares, patting my arm. She tilts her head so her red curls spill all over her shoulder and looks at me strangely. Andrea would have told her about me attacking Mr. Montfort.

  “Damn straight. I’ve been waiting for this all day without knowing it.” I finish the glass and thump it down on the bar. I should go easy. I missed breakfast and only managed to find time to stuff down a blueberry muffin before going to meet my blazing ball of humiliation. Of course, after Mr. Montfort’s unfortunate encounter with my shoe… I completely lost my appetite and haven’t eaten anything else.

  “I’ve been counting the minutes till you got here,” Andrea complains, rolling her eyes and jerking a thumb in Nina’s direction. “This one’s been bragging about how big Dan’s dick is.”

  I almost spit out precious vodka at this. “Wow. Nobody likes a braggart.”

  “What?” Nina’s big, blue eyes are all innocence. “Since when did telling the truth become bragging.”

  An image of me crouching in front of my neighbor’s crotch flashes into my mind and I want to cringe. Ugh. I put the picture out of my mind firmly. I’ll deal with that later. Right now, I’m with my best friends and I’m not going to let anything get me down.

  “Oh, please. You know very well, neither Lauren nor me have had any in forever and a week,” Andrea scolds.

  “Like you guys never talked about the size of the dicks you were riding, even when I wasn’t getting any,” she says sulkily.

  “We talked. We did not brag.” Andrea elbows her. “Big difference.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry, but there are just certain things that deserve to be talked about, and Barry’s dick is one of them. It’s practically two of them. It’s that big.”

  “I hate you so much right now,” I mutter, before starting on my last martini.

  “I bought you all those drinks, girl,” she informs me.

  I raise my glass in a toast to her. “Thanks, babe. But you know what, I still hate you.”

  Nina laughs, and as the sound of her laughter washes over me, I’m already feeling better. I never feel better than I do when I’m hanging out with these two. I signal for one of the servers as we catch each other’s eye from opposite ends of the long, polished bar because… oh, look, I’m already empty.

  “So, you’re feeling a little underappreciated by the opposite sex, are you?” Nina shrugs like this is no problem at all—but then, it’s never been one for her.

  “That’s an understatement,” I say thinking of my neighbor’s quick escape from me this morning.

  “Like the two of you couldn’t easily pick up any man in this bar,” Nina insists, waving her arms around and causing her bracelets to jangle together. “You’re both hot and you know it.” She turns to me. “Look at you. You’re drop-dead gorgeous.”

  “Am I?”

  “Of course, you are,” they both chorus at the same time.

  The alcohol is starting to race around in my blood stream, but even then, I know they’re only saying this because they’re my friends. And friends are supposed to say things like that to bolster each other’s feelings, especially when they have just thrown a shoe in the face of the man they have been working seven months to impress. The fact is I’m pretty medium, all things considered. Medium height, brown hair, hazel eyes. Nothing special. Even my curves aren’t all that curvy. Meanwhile, Nina’s an Amazon and Andrea’s got the body that makes men drool.

  “There must be somebody you’re interested in,” Andrea wheedles.

  “Not really.”

  “So why are you blushing?” Nina smiles coyly at me.

  Chapter Three

  Lauren

  My face feels like it is on fire. “Hmmm, no-one realistically in my league. Just eye candy, you know,” I try to say dismissively. “So what’s this I hear about a promotion coming up for you anyway?”

  Nina’s eyes become huge. She leans forward. “Oh, don’t think you’re going to change the subject that easily. Tell us about him!”

  “Yeah, it’s been ages since you’ve even shown an interest in anyone,” Andrea adds. “So even if he’s just eye candy, we want all the details. Name? Address? Cock size? The works!”

  I roll my eyes. Where do I start? I don’t even know his name so it sounds ridiculous that I have a crush on this guy. “It’s my neighbor. He moved in next door around two weeks ago.”

  Nina’s perfectly-arched eyebrows wiggle up and down. “Ooh, the new next-door neighbor! Intriguing.”

  “From two weeks ago?” Andrea asks impatiently.

  “Yup.”

  “Well, what does he look like?” Nina asks.

  “It doesn’t matter. Trust me it’s a non-starter,” I answer, suddenly feeling a little depressed. I signal the bartender for another drink. I’m going to need it if this is what the night is going to turn into.

  “Why is it a non-starter?” Nina asks, pouncing on me.

  “I think he hates me, if you must know. Which is why it’s not even worth talking about him.”

  “I don’t think it would be possible for anybody to hate you,” Andrea says loyally.

  “You’re sweet, but you didn’t look into his eyes.” I just about want to slump over on the table with the memory.

  “Is he gorgeous?” Nina asks.

  An image of my gorgeous neighbor randomly pops into my head and I feel my face getting hot. “I guess he is gorgeous.” It comes out in a breathless sigh and I feel like a teenage girl again. Get a grip, Lauren! I take a deep breath. “Yes, he’s tall, dark, handsome and mysterious, but I barely know anything about him, really!”

  “So, why didn’t you be a good neighbor and bake him some cakes or something?” Nina asks, incredulously. “That’s what I would have done. And you make the best cupcakes! Is he definitely single? You should get in there quick before he gets snapped up. Or maybe he’s single for a reason…” she trails off.

  “Jeez, Nina, chill out,” Andrea says, coming to my rescue. Or so I think… “Look, if you think he’s really hot, why not at least try and chat to him for a bit next time you bump into him.”

  They’re both as bad as each other, but I guess he is the first guy I’ve mentioned for a while. Since my last relationship ended more than two years ago. My stomach lurches involuntarily and I quickly put that thought to the back of my head. Of course, there is one little detail I’ve failed to tell them about my gorgeous neighbor…

  “The thing is,” I admit, “I was actually planning on introducing myself and everything.”

  “Yes?” Nina prompts.

  “Yeah, well, if there was any chance of anything happening there, my little sweetheart ruined that this morning.”

  “Oh, no. What did he do?” Andrea asks, stricken. “He didn’t bite him, did he?”

  “You know he wouldn’t do that.” I roll my eyes, sighing heavily at the memory. “He ran out when the postman came by and decided to poop all over my neighbor’s welcome mat. I mean, for a 12-pound Yorkie, that dog can seriously take a dump. I’m pretty sure he lost half his body weight on that mat.”

  “No!” Andrea bursts out laughing.

  “Oh, bless him, poor Draco,” Nina says, sympathetically.

  I adore her undying love and affection for my dear old dog. I hold my head in my hands. “Before I could run back inside to grab stuff to pick it up with, my neighbor opened his door and stepped right the hell into the middle of it.”

  “No…” both of them cry in unison.

  “And he was dressed up in a really expensive pair of shoes too,” I groan. “I wanted to die. And he looked at me like he wanted me to die too.”

  “Awkward!” Andrea laughs, who seems to be enjoying this far too much for my liking. “This is exactly the reason I refuse to have pets. So, what happened then?”

  “Yeah, what happened then?” Nina probes, her eyes shining with curiosity and naughtiness.

  “I did something really, really stupid.”

  “What?” both of them ask eage
rly.

  “I crouched in front of him and started cleaning his shoe.”

  Andrea’s eyes widen with surprise. “Oh, you sly fox, you.”

  “It’s not like what you think. He stepped away real fast.” I smack my forehead. “God, I was so stupid. I’ve blown any chance I may have had, let’s put it that way.”

  “Have you seen him since?” Nina asks, always the optimist.

  “That was this morning,” I reply glumly.

  Nina slides an arm around my shoulders. “But hey, things like this happen. It’s not the end of the world. And now you’ve at least broken the ice, right?”

  “Sure, we’ve broken the ice. But I swear, he’ll never talk to me again. You didn’t see the way he looked at me, guys.”

  Nina pats me on the back. “Okay, so it won’t work out between the two of you. No biggie. His loss. There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

  “Sure. I’ll just have to keep seeing him around, every time we cross paths in the hall. I’ll have to hear him in his home.”

  Andrea frowns, exchanging a glance with Nina. “You’re really into him, aren’t you?”

  I shrug, trying to play it off, but I can’t hold my disappointment in. “Yeah, I think I kind of built a fantasy around him. I know it’s stupid, but he really is fantasy material. He’s everything a girl dreams about. Tall and dark with broad shoulders and these green eyes…” I close my own eyes, remembering them. I remember the way they narrowed when he looked down and realized what he stepped in. What my dog did. Timing truly is everything.

  “You know…” Nina swirls the wine in her glass with her lips pursed. “If you’re really into this guy…” She pauses her eyes flitting tantalizingly between Andrea and me.

  “Out with it,” Andrea says impatiently.

  “Okay. I know it might sound ridiculous,” she begins, holding up both hands. “But just set aside your judgment for a one second and consider a possibility that you might not usually entertain.”

  Andrea is looking suspicious by now.

  “Go on,” I urge.

  “Hold your horses. I’m about to. One of the girls I work with swears it’s all legit. Maybe a little weird sounding, maybe a little strange too, but…”

  “Wow, whatever it is, I can’t wait to try it,” I joke before polishing off my fourth martini. I’m well past the point of being pleasantly buzzed. I should probably order something to eat to soak up all the booze, but why would I want to ruin the good feeling?

  “You’re the worst at getting to the important part of a story,” Andrea grumbles as she signals the bartender for more. Happy Hour prices only last but so long, after all.

  “Because I know you’re both going to laugh. But this coworker of mine, she swore it worked. She told me this crazy story about how she met the guy she’s with now. At first, he didn’t like her at all. But now he’s completely smitten and she even saw a receipt for an engagement ring in his pocket!” She pauses for effect just as another round of cocktails arrive.

  “Go on then,” I say, rolling my eyes. “What’s your friend’s big secret then?”

  She takes a generous sip before continuing, “She went to…” Her eyes dart back and forth, as she leans in to whisper, “A gypsy.”

  “A what?” I burst out laughing. “Oh, come on.”

  “Are we even allowed to use that word anymore?” Andrea wonders aloud.

  “That’s what she called her, and that’s what the woman calls herself. I don’t know. Anyway, she gives out love potions.”

  “Is there something besides wine in your glass?” I ask. “Because you just sounded like you went and lost it.”

  Andrea can’t stop giggling. “You know you sound insane, right? Things like that don’t happen in real life.”

  “Fine, fine. Don’t believe me if it makes you feel better, but just hear me out, ok?” She shrugs it off. “This friend of mind said it worked. She was super into this guy who she had a crush on for ages, but he didn’t even know she was alive. Then she was at party and someone told her about this gypsy woman who lives in the Mission. Apparently, this gypsy woman whose name is Madam Zelda…”

  Andrea starts sniggering. “Madam Zelda? That’s just ridiculous.”

  Nina ignores her. “Madam Zelda decides if the match is meant to be by asking questions and stuff. If she thinks the couple deserves each other, then she makes a special love potion to make it happen. So my friend went to this woman and got a love potion from her and boom…The rest, as they say, is history.”

  “What?” Andrea practically chokes on her drink. “You are joking, right?”

  I, on the other hand, can’t help being at least a little curious. “And it really worked?” I ask Nina. “He really fell in love with her? How did she give it to him?”

  “She baked it into a cookie for him. He ate it. Went home then phoned her up the next day and asked her out.”

  “Wow,” I whisper. Even though I’m no longer sober, I recognize it is a ridiculous story. Andrea’s right…things like that don’t happen in real life. And yet…“It works on anybody at all?” I ask, stirring my martini with the skewered olives.

  Andrea’s jaw just about hits the floor. “Are you honestly entertaining this absurd idea?”

  “Now, now, I’m only asking.” I pop the olive in my mouth and grin.

  “Good, because it is the most outrageous thing I’ve ever heard,” Andrea says firmly.

  I look at Nina. “Well?”

  She frowns. “I don’t know, but the way I understood it, the gypsy only gives the potions to people who deserve it.”

  “You mean, the people who can afford it,” Andrea mutters.

  “No, I mean the ones who deserve it,” Nina insists. “She listens to your story ‒ you know, you have to tell her who it is you’re in love with and all that ‒ and she can tell from listening to you if you’re sincere and if you’re not going to, ya know, abuse the…umm…power.”

  By this stage, Andrea’s not even bothering to hide her total derision. She’s shaking with uncontrollable laughter.

  But I’m not. I’m intrigued. I can’t help it. Maybe it’s the booze. It’s probably the booze. And the fact that I’ve only eaten vodka-soaked olives in the last seven hours. And the small problem that I haven’t gotten laid in—Jesus, I’ve lost track of how long it’s been. And the crazy way my heart jumps when I think of my neighbor. Besides, after the day I’ve had I deserve this. Whatever this is.

  “So, do you want the number then?” she asks me, smiling.

  “Wait a minute,” Andrea butts in. “How come you have the gypsy’s number? Have you spoken to her yourself?”

  “Maybe…” she replies looking a little coy.

  “Did you call her?” I ask. “About this guy you’re seeing at the moment?”

  She looks down and then nods. “Yeah, I did,” she admits, sighing dramatically. “But it turns out there’s not a potion that will fix large penises.”

  “Did you seriously ask her that?” Andrea cries out, before breaking into a fit of laughter.

  Nina sniffs. “Go ahead and laugh, but you don’t know what it’s like to try and stuff twelve inches inside you.”

  Andrea laughs so hard she starts gasping for breath. “Oh my god, I wish I could have listened to that conversation!”

  I think of my neighbor’s green eyes. For that one instant when our eyes first met and we had both stared at each other, I’d felt as if the rest of the world had fallen away, so there was only him and me. There had been something there. “Yes, I do want the number,” I blurt out suddenly.

  Andrea stops laughing and whirls her head around in my direction so fast I’m astonished she doesn’t give herself a whiplash. “You’ve got to be kidding.” She stares at me, then at Nina. “Did I just slip into some alternate reality here? First, Nina is asking a gypsy what she can do with a foot long penis and now you want a love portion for your neighbor?” She shakes her head in disbelief. “You’re honestly considering going thro
ugh with this craziness?”

  “There’s no harm in trying.”

  “Except to your bank account. I’m sure this woman doesn’t give away love potions out of the goodness of her heart. I’m sure they aren’t free.”

  “It’s my money,” I remind her. She’s a great friend and I love her dearly, but she’s also a little bossy. Even more so when she’s had a few glasses of alcohol. “All I want is a nice regular guy with no weird habits or interests, and a nice cock. Is that too much to ask?”

  Andrea glares at Nina who looks back defiantly. “Would you please stop encouraging her? Can’t you get your kicks from playing with a big, giant dick instead of getting her all riled up for your amusement?”

  Nina holds her palms up. “Calm down. I’m just trying to help. She’s an adult, you know. She can make up her own mind.”

  Andrea turns back to me. “Don’t do it, babe,” she begs. “Please.”

  I shrug carelessly. “After the kind of day I’ve had what harm can it possibly do?”

  “After the day you’ve had is exactly why you shouldn’t do it. You’re not thinking straight and you’ve had all those martinis on an empty stomach, haven’t you? Come on, Lauren. I promise you, you’ll regret it in the morning. I can’t let you blow your money when you’re in this state.”

  My shoulders slump. “Do you guys know I’ve haven’t even been out on a date for nearly two years because I wanted to focus on my career, but after what happened today not only can I forget any kind of promotion, I’m probably even out of a job.”

  They are both staring at me with pity in their eyes.

  “I’ve been playing it safe and missed out on life all this while and for what? For fuck all.” I can feel my voice slurring. “Plus…plus…I’ll have to move out of my home now because I can’t afford to keep paying rent on that place. Let me end this horrible day with a big bang, okay? I want to do something so crazy and insensible I can laugh about it when I am old and gray while sitting alone in a nursing home.”

  “All right, if you insist,” Andrea gives in.

  Nina grins victoriously as she opens her purse and fishes out her phone. She scrolls through it. “Here we go. The number.”