Get You Good

by Rhonda Bowen

  “OK, guys, once we pack our stuff into the van, we should be able to go.” Sydney wiped her hands on a dishcloth and looked around. “Grace from Fachellis said she would take care of the rest.”

  Lissandra cleared her throat. “What about our money?”

  Sydney shrugged. “I’ll handle it tomorrow. Right now I’m so exhausted, I just want to . . .”

  The sound of voices and muffled commotion cut Sydney off.

  “. . . where is she?”

  “. . . . , this is not the place. Don’t do this—”

  “I just want to talk to her. . . .”

  Sydney knew who it was before they even rounded the corner into the kitchen. She would recognize his voice anywhere. But before she could be any kind of prepared, Sydney was standing face to face with the one man she thought she would never be able to face again.

  “I’m sorry, Syd. I tried to stop him,” Maritza said. But Sydney didn’t even hear her friend. All she could focus on was the look on Hayden’s face.

  His coffee-colored eyes had turned almost black as he glared at her. “It didn’t take you long, did it,” he said.

  Sydney opened and closed her mouth several times before she was able to reply. “What?”

  “To recover,” he responded. “You lose a store, run your car off a bridge, and ruin a lot of people’s lives, but here you are, back on your feet like nothing happened.”

  “Like nothing happened?” Sydney blinked at him, incredulous. “That’s what you think? That everything is back to normal?”

  “Why wouldn’t I think that?” he shot back angrily. “You’re already back in business. One thing fails, you just try something else, right?”

  “You should know,” Sydney shot back. “Looks like you got right back on the horse, judging from your company for the evening.”

  “Uh, we’re just going to step outside.” Lissandra pulled Mario with her toward the back door, even though no one seemed to notice. Maritza followed suit and exited the room.

  “Don’t turn this on me, Sydney,” Hayden said, moving in and towering over her. Sydney stepped back and reclaimed some of the control he used his height to steal.

  “It is on you.” Sydney jabbed a finger at him. “You’re the one who came storming in here, accusing me. And of what? Doing my job?”

  “This is not about your job. It’s about you. The way that you come into people’s lives, mess it up, and just walk away as if nothing happened.”

  “So what am I supposed to do, Hayden?” Sydney threw her hands in the air. “I apologized over and over. I tried to call you and make things right. I tried to work this out, but you . . . you won’t even talk to me. So what the hell am I supposed to do?”

  “You’re supposed to care. That’s what happens when two people love each other. They care when things fall apart. They don’t just go back to life as usual.”

  “I do care!” Sydney shouted. She could feel the tears running down her face, but she couldn’t stop them even if she wanted to. “If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t think about you every day. I wouldn’t stay up all night wondering how I could make this right. I wouldn’t torture myself trying to figure out what to do with that property on College Street that I could never keep. I care, Hayden. More than you know. But I can’t just lie in my bed all day. I have to keep moving. If I don’t . . . if I don’t, I’ll lose my mind.”

  Sydney gripped the counter edge as her sobs pulled at her insides, pulling her toward the floor. She felt her knees buckle, but before she could sink to the floor, firm hands held her up and pulled her close. She buried her face against Hayden as he wrapped long arms around her.

  “I’m sorry,” she croaked into his shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

  She felt him pull off her hat and tilt her head toward him, kissing her wet, closed eyes before resting his lips on her forehead.

  “I know,” he whispered against her hair. “I know.”

  “Then why won’t you talk to me?” she sobbed. “Why can’t we fix this? I don’t want to lose you, Hayden. I love you.”

  She felt his grip on her tighten and she slipped her arms around his waist.

  “I know.” His voice was thick with emotion. “You know I love you, but . . .”

  She felt him pulling away, physically and emotionally, but she held on tighter.

  “It’s not enough, Syd.” His voice cracked with a pain that she felt all the way down to her bones. “It’s not enough.”

  He began untangling himself from her, but she continued to resist.

  “Hayden, please.” She sobbed even as he gently removed her arms from around him. She knew she was embarrassing herself. She knew she was begging. But she didn’t care.

  “Dub, don’t do this.”

  “I have to, Syd.” His voice trembled. “I can’t do this . . . not after everything . . .”

  “Hayden?”

  The female voice at the entrance of the kitchen severed the last bit of physical connection between Sydney and Hayden as they turned away from each other.

  “What’s going on?” The woman stepped farther into the kitchen and Sydney saw that it was the one woman in the world who provoked her gag reflex. Samantha looked back and forth between a teary-faced Sydney and a dishevelled Hayden.

  “Oh. It’s you,” Samantha said, an annoyed expression on her face as she glared at Sydney.

  Responding to Samantha would have been a waste of energy, and so Sydney began glancing around the kitchen for a napkin to wipe her face instead.

  Hayden sighed. “Samantha, could you please wait for me at the table.”

  “Wait for you at the table?” Samantha echoed.

  “Yes,” Hayden ground out. “I just need a minute with Sydney. . . .”

  “Why do you need a minute with Sydney?” she snapped. “You’re here with me.”

  Sydney tried, but her patience was officially at zero. “Samantha?” Sydney glared at Hayden. “Really, Hayden?”

  Hayden shot her a look, but it did nothing to pacify Sydney.

  “Of all the people you could come here with, you picked her?” Sydney asked.

  “Excuse me?” Samantha tilted her head to the side and glared at Sydney. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing.” Sydney backed toward the door, her eyes fixed on Hayden’s. “Nothing at all.”

  Hayden shook his head at Sydney. “Don’t go there, Sydney. You know what you’re thinking isn’t true.”

  “How do you know what she’s thinking?” Samantha asked, her voice going up an octave. “Is there something going on I should know about, Hayden?”

  “OK, I think this show is over,” Maritza said, coming back into the kitchen. “Dub, why don’t you take Samantha back to the main hall area? And please calm her down. No one ruins my man’s birthday.”

  Maritza glared at Dub for emphasis. “No one.”

  She turned. “And Sydney . . .”

  “Don’t worry,” Sydney said, heading toward the back exit. “I’m already gone.”

  She opened the door and Lissandra and Mario almost fell on top of each other getting out of the way.

  “I’m going to go bring the van around,” Sydney said, taking off her apron. “The two of you pack everything in and then you can take off for the night. I’ll take everything back to the store.”

  Without waiting for their response, Sydney walked around the side of the house to get the van from where it was parked. Though she had not been able to avoid running into Hayden, like she had planned, the evening had not been a total waste. She had earned enough money to carry her over for the next two weeks. But more important, she had gotten the answer about her relationship with Hayden that she had been waiting for since that day at the shop with Maritza. They were over. Fully and completely over.

  Chapter 35

  It was already after ten by the time Sydney got back to the store. There wasn’t much to put away, but she took her time transporting everything from the back of the van to
the kitchen. Then she accessed a streaming jazz station on her iPhone and set to work washing up everything in the huge sink in the kitchen. Never mind the dishwasher staring at her. Sometimes all it took was some warm, soapy water to wash away the chaos of the day.

  As she carefully cleaned the trays and cutlery, she began to remember Maritza’s words about love the last time they had been at the store together. Love was patient, kind, humble, unselfish. What did it mean to be all those things? Could anyone be all of those things, anyway? Even Dub had told her that love wasn’t enough. Who could possibly love like that?

  I can.

  Even though Sydney heard the words in her heart, she knew they weren’t coming from her.

  I loved you like that.

  Sydney’s hands stilled in the water. It wasn’t possible. No one could love her like that. Not after everything that she had done. She had lied, stolen, and betrayed, and made other people lie, steal, and betray. When she thought of how she had involved Lissandra, her sisters, her sisters’ family in everything she had done, it made her sick. She ran a woman’s car off a bridge and almost killed her. And worse, the part that no one knew, not even her sisters, was that there was a moment when she had hoped Sheree was dead. It was brief, and she regretted the thought after, but for a moment she had wished Sheree was dead. How could someone love her, knowing all of that? How could God love her, knowing all of that?

  I still do. I still love you.

  Sydney didn’t believe it. She pulled the stopper out of the sink and let out the soapy water, which had gone cold, and watched as it ran down the drain. Hayden was right. Love wasn’t enough.

  She rinsed everything off with more speed than she had washed them, then set them to dry. When she was finally satisfied that the kitchen was clean, she opened the refrigerator and took out the extra cheesecake she had left there earlier. She pulled up a stool to the island counter and cut herself a healthy slice. She almost never tasted the pastry she made. It was an old habit she had inherited from her dad. Instead, she let someone else taste it. Mario had been the happy guinea pig that morning and had certified that the cakes had been perfection, and as Sydney took her first bite, she had to agree that they were pretty good. But she didn’t enjoy it. In fact, the interruption of her ringing cell phone was a welcome excuse for her to push it aside.

  “This is Sydney.”

  “Hey, girl, how you holding up?” Maritza asked from the other end of the line.

  “I don’t know.” Sydney used the fork the mash the remaining portion of the slice into mush. “I’ll let you know when I start feeling things again.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Shouldn’t you be giving your husband the other part of his birthday celebration?” Sydney said, changing the subject.

  “Yeah,” Maritza said. “But he’s in the shower, so I thought I would give you a quick call, make sure you weren’t doing anything too crazy.”

  Maritza paused. “Where are you, anyway?”

  “At the store,” Sydney said. “I just finished cleaning up.”

  “Syd. It’s 11:30.”

  “Is it?” Sydney looked around for a clock but found none. “Didn’t even realize I had been here this long.”

  “Are you alone?” Maritza asked, concerned. “Do you want me to call someone for you?”

  “No, I’m fine,” Sydney said, putting some energy into her voice for the sake of her friend. Silence fell on the line between them and Sydney could tell that Maritza didn’t know what to say.

  “Look, Syd, I don’t know what the full deal is with you and Hayden, but based on what I overheard, it sounded pretty serious. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. . . .”

  “Remember when you told me all those things about love the other day?” Sydney asked.

  “Yeah.”

  Sydney paused. “Do you think anyone could love like that? Like, really like that.”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  Sydney bit her lip. “What if you did something really terrible? What if you hurt someone else, really badly? Could you still be loved? Could God still love someone like that?”

  “Of course he could, Syd. He does. He loves all of us like that. Regardless of what we’ve done.”

  “But I don’t deserve it,” Sydney said quietly, tears brimming in her eyes again. “I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”

  “Honey, it’s not about what you’ve done. We can’t do anything to earn God’s love. He loves us because he chooses to love us. He knows everything about us, everything we’ve said, everything we’ve done, even everything we’ve thought of doing. He knows us better than anyone else does, and he loves us nonetheless.”

  “I’ve done some really bad stuff, Maritza,” Sydney said, sniffling. “And I’m not just talking about with Hayden. Just over my life until now, I’ve been so selfish, with my friends, with my family, with the people I claimed to love. . . .”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It has to,” Sydney insisted. “That’s just how life works.”

  “But it’s not how God works, Syd,” Maritza said patiently. “You can’t earn your way into his affections. There’s nothing you can do to make him love you more, because he already loves you with everything he has, and nothing can change that. Romans 5:8 says God showed his love for us in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. You know what means, Syd? While we were still trifling, before we even knew that we were wrong, God already loved us, and gave up his only son to die to prove it, and to give us a chance at being saved with him. He loved you before you even realized that you didn’t deserve his love. And he still loves you now, hon.”

  “I don’t feel it, Mar,” Sydney said as she wiped tears from her cheeks. “I don’t feel any of it.”

  “It’s not about feelings, girl,” Maritza said. “Half the problems we have in life are ’cause we walk around letting feelings guide us. What I’ve been trying to show you from the start is that real love is not about feelings. There are times it will feel good, times it will feel terrible, and times it won’t feel like nothing at all. But love means choosing to be there through all of that. God chose to be with us through all of our mess, even when being with us wasn’t doing anything for him.”

  “And he’s still with you, girl. He gave you a great family that has been with you no matter what you’ve been through. They’re not perfect, but they’re there for you, and that’s one layer of his love for you. He gave you this amazing gift with food, and all these opportunities, so that even though you lost your business, your account balance still isn’t at zero. And he gave you life, girl. You ran your car off a bridge—and I’m kinda mad you didn’t tell me about that—but the fact that you’re still here for me to be mad at means that God kept you. You may not be able to feel his love right now, but you’ve got to be able to see it in all that.”

  Sydney nodded. “You’re right. I never thought of that.”

  “Of course I’m right,” Maritza said. Sydney heard her sigh. “Look, Sean just got out of the shower and I gotta go, but think about this: the only way you’re gonna be able to understand God’s love fully is when you get to know him. Stop worrying about your own problems for a second and just get to know him. Maybe this is why he is letting all this chaos into your life. He just wants to slow you down long enough so you can get to know him and see how much he loves you. Promise me you’ll think about doing that.”

  “I will.”

  “OK, girl,” Maritza said. “You do that. Talk to you soon. Deuces.”

  Sydney put the phone down on the counter and let the silence surround her as she thought about what Maritza said. Get to know him. OK. That was something she could handle.

  She glanced at her phone. Eleven forty. Time to go.

  The remains of the slice of cake went into the garbage, just before she rinsed the plate, turned out the lights, and headed out the front doors. She was about to pull the door closed when she noticed JJ’s jacket hanging behind it. Her sister
must have forgotten it when she stopped by earlier. Sydney grabbed it off the hook, the movement shaking a piece of paper from the pocket. She picked up what turned out to be a flyer for Lost and Found, a bar a few blocks away.

  Why would JJ, who had never tasted alcohol in her entire sanctified life, have a flyer for a bar in her pocket?

  Sydney turned the creased paper over and noticed several dates on the back, the first of which happened to be today’s date. She chewed on her lip a moment before stuffing the flyer into her own pocket and finally closing the front door. She glanced at her car parked in front of the store and headed away down the sidewalk. Going home would have to wait for a bit longer.

  It was late, but a spattering of walking traffic still moved up and down the sidewalks of downtown Toronto. Sydney let the quiet sounds of the city wrap around her like a glove as she made the ten-minute walk to Lost and Found. The faint sound of jazz greeted her as she neared her destination. She pushed open the door to the dimly lit bar, and the previously muted sound of piano and bass filled her ears. It took her eyes a while to adjust to the low light, but her ears adjusted almost right away to the sound of a woman on stage covering Ella Fitzgerald’s “Someone to Watch Over Me.” The rest of the crowd seemed just as taken in, as the chatter was at a low din, and almost every seat in the narrow space seemed to be taken. Sydney did manage, however, to find an empty stool by the bar.

  “What can I get you?”

  Sydney looked up at the bartender, a scrawny young woman who really didn’t look like she knew anything about jazz or alcohol, and considered, for a brief moment, breaking her no-drinking rule.

  “Ginger ale, thanks,” Sydney said finally.

  “Coming right up,” the girl said, fishing a glass from under the bar. “Nondrinker?”

  Sydney nodded. “Almost all my life. Except for a slight detour during college.”

  The girl laughed. “I know what you mean. I barely drink myself.”

  Sydney raised an eyebrow. “A bartender who doesn’t drink?”

  “You would be surprised,” the girl said, placing the glass in front of Sydney. “There are quite a few of us. In any case, I’m not really the bartender. We’re just a bit short staffed tonight.”