Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  I sat back against the vinyl railing leading up to the sliding glass door. “You don’t understand, Gray. Things have changed I’ve changed. I’m not the girl you used to know anymore.” I stole a peek at his fallen face. I hated to be the one to shatter his dreams but I was beyond repair. He couldn’t fix me just because, now he was ready. “I just read your letter tonight,” I whispered through clenched teeth.

  His stilled his fidgeting body and I knew I had caught him off guard. “I wondered why you never came. I guess I just assumed that your hatred for me outweighed your love.” He shrugged his shoulders before coming to sit next to me. “I thought maybe the information it contained turned your love for me…. honestly, I just figured you would never forgive me. I’m not the same guy either, Bennett. A lot has happened in the last couple of years, but my love for you, has never wavered. I know better than anybody that I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I’m begging you. Please Bennett, please forgive me.”

  My hand settled on his knee, pulling his leg into the side of my body. “How can you feel as though you don’t deserve my forgiveness? If anything, I am unworthy of your forgiveness. For crying out loud, I’m the one who got rid of the only binding piece of the two of us. I’m broken Gray don’t you see that? I have deserved every, single thing that has happened to me. You deserve so much more than I am. Leaving me, was probably one of the smartest decisions you could have ever made.”

  My hand fell from his leg and I turned to hide my face in shame. His warm gentle hand went to my back, comforting me. I wanted to turn into his accepting arms but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was only a matter of time before I hurt him again.

  I shrugged off his touch, breaking the connection we had found again in one another. “Gray just go. You shouldn’t be here.” I refused to turn around. One look into his crystal blue eyes and I would drag him into my room, without a second thought.

  “DAMN IT, BENNETT!” He was right in front of my face, shaking me into a standing position. “I tried to move on. You don’t think I pushed myself to forget about you, to forget about us? For fuck’s sake Bennett, I got married!”

  Hearing the words come out of his mouth, even though I already knew it, made me want to throw myself off a building. The thought of Gray with another woman sickened me. My hands instinctively flew up in front of me to warn him off. If he tried to touch me, I was going to lose it.

  “Shit! Bennett wait, I didn’t mean, I mean...FUCK! What did you want me to do? You made a life altering decision that concerned both of us, without me.” His weathered body slammed down onto the deck. I watched as he fought against the internal battle to come to me, or let me be.

  I don’t know what I expected. He was right. He deserved to be happy. I had made my decision without him. Could I have really expected him to come back to me, with open arms? I all but pushed him into that other woman’s arm. I had no one to blame but myself. I settled in next to him, shivering in the process. The sun had set and the wind was picking up. I tucked my feet up under my butt just as he was wrapping his soft, black leather jacket around my shuddering shoulders. I smiled at the notion, but it wavered as I took in his desolate expression.

  “I don’t know how I can ever make this up to you.” My voice came across shaky and all my confidence failed to make an appearance. “The last couple of years have been Hell for me Gray. Not that I didn’t deserve it, but Hell all the same, more than you could even imagine. I guess, I just can’t fathom how someone as wonderful as you, would even want to be with someone like me.” I was disgusted with myself. I pressed my head against his shoulder seeking comfort. I had thought about nothing but being with this man, for the rest of my life.

  His finger slid under my chin, tilting it up so I could see into his gleaming blue eyes. “I have never wanted anyone else. You were it for me the day I met you. You have to understand that nothing would have taken precedence over you or our unborn child. Bennett, I would have given it all up for ‘us.’

  “That’s exactly, what I didn’t want Gray. I know, better than anybody else, how much it meant for you to become a cop. I couldn’t be the one to take that away from you. I love you too much to have you resent me for the rest of our lives.” My voice was barely a whisper.

  He looked away from me momentarily. When his eyes came back to rest on mine, his hand dropped from my chin. I could see the lust and want inside of him. My body reacted in a way that had been foreign to me for so long.

  “Bennett, I was half way through. We could have made it work.” A loud sigh escaped his throat and I chastised myself for doing this to him.

  “Don’t you see how much I hurt you?” The silence was palpable. We were at an impasse, one I wasn’t sure we could maneuver our way through. I had done something irreversible and unforgivable but yet he was willing to do just that. I was shrugging out of his jacket when his hands stilled my movements. I willed myself to look into his hypnotic eyes to say good-bye, and let him go.

  “Look, we have a lot to work on. I’m not delusional to that fact, but my heart literally can’t beat without you. I have tried my damnedest to get over you, but its fucking impossible woman. All I’m asking for Bennett is a chance. We don’t have to jump right back into things. We can take our time, talk things through, and get to know each other again. I’m just asking for you to accept my forgiveness.”

  His lips were only inches form mine and I could taste his minty breath, as it repeatedly blew across my lips. I tucked my bottom lip under my teeth, mainly to prevent myself from doing exactly what I knew I shouldn’t. My lips yearned to feel his against them. My mouth was watering with the need to feel him against me; in any way I could have him. I let out a strained breath, trying to hold myself back from closing the small distance between us.

  “I can’t Gray.” I closed my eyes as I spoke the words, I instantly regretted. I slipped his jacket off and backed myself up against the sliding glass door. I held his jacket in my outstretched arm, trying to avoid any physical contact. If any part of his mind melting body would have touched me, I would have ran at him full force. I knew what I was doing was undeniably hurting him but it wouldn’t be fair to him to get him involved. He deserved better. “I’m so sorry Gray, I really am.”

  My eyes fell to the ground as I felt him getting closer. The invigorating mix of soap and cologne assaulted my senses as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. I could picture him, leaning in to press his soft supple lips against mine, sending pleasure surging through my body. Please don’t do it! I had to keep repeating it to stop myself from reaching out for him. His hand came up, brushing back the tendrils of hair behind my frost bitten ear. A sucked in a tight breath through my teeth. I could feel the heat pooling in my belly.

  I needed him more than I needed to breathe. I braced myself for his touch, but I never felt it. My eyes shot open and found his blazing blue eyes, scorching through my hazy gray eyes. That was all it took. Need, lust, want and desire took over and instantly his lips were crushed against mine. My hands flew into his hair, tugging and pulling with passion. We kissed furiously and deeply, never being able to get close enough. Places on my body that had been dormant, began to feel alive. I could feel his reaction to me pressed against my belly, the intensity growing by the minute.

  A noise coming from inside the house broke through our eagerness, pulling me back from his all-consuming mouth. With my eyes still sealed shut, I whispered something inaudible to the both of us. I pressed the palm of my hand against his hard chest, holding him back to collect my thoughts. The sound vibrated through the glass and my eyes shot open.

  “Gray, you have to go, now!”

  “I’m not leaving until you agree to come out with me. A real date Bennett, one where I get to pick you up and everything.” His eyes were hooded with passion and I couldn’t bring myself to say no, knowing that I should.

  “Okay, a “real” date, but only if you leave, now!” I emphasized the now seems how he wasn’t quite understanding the gravity of the
situation. He backed away and bounced around like a young child on Christmas morning.

  “Tomorrow then?” A smile stretched from ear to ear, making me smile in return.

  “Tomorrow.” I blushed.

  He took a step towards me; “I’ll come get you around six.” His lips skimmed across mine briefly and then he was gone.

  I ran my fingertips across where his lips had just touched mine and I smiled.

  “Bennett, what the Hell are you doing out here?”

  Her booming voice had my jumping in my own skin. I prayed that she hadn’t seen Gray in our backyard.

  “You’re going to freeze your little ass off,” she chastised me as she pulled my into the house by my arm. We both stood rubbing our arms, as the cool breeze made its way past us inside and across our skin.

  “I was just coming in.” I slid past her half dressed frame into the kitchen.

  “What is wrong with you? You seem, different.” Her questioning gaze was reaching for something I wasn’t ready to share.

  I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. She tried to stop me as I started making my way to my room.

  “You’re not getting out of this that easily. I’ll get it out of you later. That’s a promise, Bennett.”

  I waved at her over my shoulder as I turned into my room. I slid under my sheets fully clothed and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

  Twenty-One

  I bounced excitedly around my room, as I prepared myself for the most important night of my life. I curled the ends of my hair, letting them cascade down my back. I amped up the mascara and went with a smoky eye to deepen the gray in them. I nodded in approval in my full-length mirror, before turning on my heel to head into my closet. I grappled with the decision to wear something more, or less revealing. I wanted something that wouldn’t take long to get out of, but something that didn’t scream ‘easy.’ I instantly chastised myself for assuming, that this is where the night would lead us. I pulled on my favorite pair of dark wash skinny jeans with a small rip across the knee, and went in search of the perfect top.

  Winter was upon us, so I opted for a pale pink sweater with an asymmetrical neckline. It dipped low enough under my collarbone, showing off a little bit of my well-endowed chest. I shoved my feet into my brown suede, knee high buckle wedge boots and grabbed my matching hobo bag that Gray had bought me for my eighteenth birthday. Knowing he would appreciate the sentiment.

  Hannah’s emerald green eyes shot wide, as I stepped across the threshold of the living room. I blushed slightly while running my fingers through my hair, pulling it over my left shoulder.

  “Bennett. You. Look. Amazing.” Her mouth was practically on the floor, I took that as a good sign.

  I opened my mouth to tell her it was a surprise when the doorbell rang. Theo emerged from their room, beating Hannah to answer it. I watched as Gray’s beaming smile faded into a deep scowl when he saw Theo on the other side. I took a small amount of pleasure in seeing him feel insecure, for once.

  “Can I help you?” Theo growled while itching his bare, toned abs.

  “I’m here for-”

  “Oh. My. God, Gray?” Hannah squealed while running into his now open arms. “Gray Elliot Weston, what the Hell are you doing here? Confusion settled into her expression as Gray placed her back onto the ground. Theo wrapped his arm around Hannah’s waist, glaring into Gray’s eyes. He gently tucked her behind him before introducing himself. “I’m Theo, Hannah’s boyfriend?” He stretched his hand out and Gray appreciatively took it in his.

  “Nice to meet you man.” I could see the relief in his eyes.

  “He’s here for me,” I chimed.

  Hannah’s jaw dropped further to the floor, as I slid into Gray’s waiting embrace. Theo rolled his eyes at his girlfriend’s dramatic scene and invited Gray inside. Theo slid back into their room, emerging fully clothed a minute later. I wrapped my arms around Gray’s waist, pulling him into me. He squeezed me tight to his side then released me, but never left my side.

  I felt a slap against my shoulder, “Bennett, why didn’t you tell me?” A wide smile was plastered to Hannah’s face as she took in the sight of Gray and I together.

  “We just ran into each other yesterday. I didn’t even know if I would see him again, until he showed up last night.”

  “I knew you were hiding something when I found you outside. You bitch,” she joked.

  I blushed fiercely, “I’m sorry Han, and I wanted it to be a surprise. “Surprise.”

  Hannah couldn’t tear her eyes away from the two of us, and I was starting to feel like a sideshow. I grabbed Gray’s hand, “You want a tour?” I didn’t wait for him to answer before I was pulling him from the entryway. I did a mini tour, stopping at my bedroom last. I watched as his electric blue eyes went wide with hunger, as he took in my figure standing in front of my bed.

  “Oh no you don’t mister, let’s go before you get any bright ideas.” I winked as I tugged a pouting Gray back out into the living room. “We’re going to go now. We’ll see you guys later.”

  Theo stood to shake Gray’s hand, “It was nice to finally meet you man. Heard more than was necessary about you, that’s for sure. Nice to put a face with the name.”

  Gray returned his handshake. “I wish I could say the same but hopefully we’ll get to hang out sometime.”

  I nodded in reassurance of their burgeoning friendship. “Bye Han, I’m sure I will see you later.” I winked.

  Gray guided me through the doorway with his hand across my lower back. My skin instantly warmed to his touch and I silently wished we could stay in my room, for the rest of the night. We made our way down the driveway to an unfamiliar car. Upon closing the distance, I realized that in my driveway sat an Aston Martin Vanquish V12.

  “Please tell me this is not your car.” I was salivating at the very sight of the beautiful piece of machinery in my driveway.

  “It’s not mine Bennett, keep your panties on. I rented it for the night.”

  He stood waiting for my reaction, a mischievous smile playing at his lips. I knew he was thinking, just as I was, all the dirty things we could do in this beautiful car. Gray chivalrously led me to the passenger side, opening the door for me. I gave him a sly wink as I slid into the black leather bucket seat.

  The back of his fingers slid down my blushing cheek before he retreated to the driver’s side. I took in his appearance as he sat in the seat next to mine. He looked amazing. A pair of dark denim jeans were slung low on his muscular hips, hugging his thighs. His black cable knit, zip front sweater clung to every bulging muscle, outlining his form perfectly. I licked my bottom lip as I watched him turn over the ignition, bringing the car to life with a gentle purr.

  Damn, he was hot!

  I snuck in a few glances out of the corner of my eye, as we made our way to the restaurant. I took it upon myself to be Gray’s personal tour guide, seems how he had never been to the small town I now reside in. I pointed out Johnny’s as we passed by and the small bookstore that sat across from it. I told him how quite and intimate it was, and how the owner loved me and always gave me a discount. We exchanged laughs and light conversation on our quick trip. I had forgotten how easy it was to talk and laugh with this man.

  I found myself hanging on every word he spoke, without fail. I wanted to know everything about him, after he left. His voice was soft and melodic most of the time, and strong and boisterous when needed for emphasis. This man was my undoing, and boy did I want to be undone. I smirked at my private joke as he slid the car into park in front of a small bistro.

  I could feel the heat rising up my cheeks as I watched him pull his taught frame across the front of the car. He stopped and I blushed crimson when he caught me watching him. A second later, he was opening my door. With his face only millimeters away from my ear he whispered, “See anything you like?”

  I just smiled, reaching for his hand to help myself out of the car. As we entered the small Italian bistro, I noticed a proud smile
across Gray’s face. I didn’t want to ruin his moment, so I kept it to myself that this had turned into my favorite place to eat over the last couple of years.

  We were lead to a small booth in the back corner. Gray helped me into the vinyl bench seat before slipping in right next to me. His denim clad thigh, made contact with mine and I could feel the electricity humming over my sensitive skin. I opened my menu knowing exactly what I wanted but I didn’t want to be rude, so I made sure to peruse for a minute. Our waiter brought over two glasses of Riesling. Before I even had a chance to ask, I knew Gray had arranged for this. After all these years, he still knew me better than anyone else.

  His eyes caught mine, “So Button, what have you been up to for the last couple of years?”

  My throat tensed as I thought about Raylon. I knew it was inevitable, me telling him about Raylon and our relationship, but I couldn’t bring myself to crush him so soon. I swallowed past the tightness in my throat before telling Gray about my life.