A Brilliant Ride

by Mitchell, Lisa J.

  The usual players were there; the newbies (wide-eyed, newly married girls eager to make the grade) alongside the established (tightly wound, emaciated dames that looked right through you - except, of course, when they needed a favor, like a donation to one of their foundations, or confirmation of some tidbit of gossip they were just dying to hear).

  I spotted Claudia at our usual table, the one facing the Regal’s famous fountain (a monstrous display of water and lights, and the backdrop for every Regal Rock bridal shoot).

  “Hey, you’re early.” I kissed her on both cheeks.

  “Yes, can you believe it?”

  I sat down quickly. “Don’t even get me started on what’s going on at my place. Mother showed up with Peter; thank God, she left Maria behind. I can’t stop hyperventilating. Er…and then there’s the new decorator…” I pulled on my collar.

  “Decorator?”

  “Um, it’s a long story….”

  “Yikes!” Claudia held her head. “I guess I’ll have to go over and pay my respects, I haven’t seen your mom in ages.”

  “Save yourself. You have no idea. It’s like the circus came to town. She’s staying for a while; something about her gall bladder.”

  “Geesh, what about Sam?” Claudia grimaced.

  “Oh, please, you know how they adore each other…like two bugs in a rug.”

  “Oh, Pen, sorry. You can take refuge at my place, anytime,” she laughed. “By the way, love your outfit. Do I detect, Kabooki?”

  “Yes, to die for, don’t you agree?” I purred and ran my hand down one leg.

  “I’ll say,” her eyes glistened. “Listen, Pen, I’ve been meaning to call you. Something’s up with Jackie. I called her this morning, and she sounded very peculiar.” She touched my hand softly and whispered, “Not herself at all. I think we need to dig.”

  “I agree,” I said, wondering myself what was going on with Jackie.

  “Do you believe that story about her slipping in the studio?”

  “Who knows?

  “Oh, look, there’s Debbie Tucci… a la Drake,” said Claudia lowering her voice. “She gives me a pain.” Her lip went up.

  I turned to get a glimpse of her.

  If Selena Clinton is a thorn in Jackie’s side (and she is), then Debbie Tucci Drake is a plank in Claudia’s eye. Debbie is a girl from rural New Jersey who “made it.” Well, in her mind anyway - she hooked Alistair Drake. Debbie worked for the mega millionaire at his brokerage firm and did everything possible (and I mean everything) to please her middle-aged boss, thereby destroying his family of six and sending his socialite wife, Stacey, into the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.

  “What the hell is she doing here? I thought Alistair lost his membership?”

  “He did, but he got reinstated last month. It looks like she’s here with Patty Long. I think Patty is trying to reel her in to do some volunteer work, something to do with a soup kitchen. You know how hard it is to find people to do that stuff.”

  “Patty must be desperate. Honestly, this must be TAKE A TRAMP TO LUNCH DAY,” she boomed, her lip pinned up to her eyebrow as hatred for Debbie Tucci Drake poured out of her like steaming toxic waste.

  “Oh, Claudia, you’re as bad as Jackie. Just ignore her…she’s not that bad.”

  “What! She’s a home wrecker - so cheap - the lowest form of vermin. I can’t believe Alistair left Stacey for that rag doll, Pen. It’s ridiculous, with all those kids… and that baby they adopted from Peru.”

  “I know; that baby is the only thing keeping Stacey going now,” I said, feeling badly for poor Stacey Morgan Drake. “It’s all very sad.”

  “Stacey is a Morgan!” Claudia shook her head. “How could Alistair leave her? Her family founded this town! Stacey Morgan’s face has been plastered on more society magazines than anyone in the world. She only took that jerk, Alistair, in because she was distraught… after Neil died. You know, she set him up in that job; he couldn’t do anything without her.”

  “Yes, but he did make a lot of money after that.”

  “Please, what a loser. All that crap he told Stacey about his family having money, ha!” Claudia looked like she was boiling over. “Come on, when he dumped her for Debbie it was a mind blower, even more jaw dropping than the Selena and Jake disaster!” Claudia was on a roll. “Stacey Morgan is a classic beauty with elegance beyond compare. I don’t know how Alistair Drake can show his face in this town.”

  I had to admit, it was messy. Debbie is a classic wannabe, and a shameless name dropper, mentioning at every possible moment “important” people she thinks are her friends, or bragging about recent purchases, vacation destinations, and fabricated social engagements.

  “She wears her money like a billboard,” Claudia ranted. “It’s tacky and beyond nauseating. What the hell is she wearing?” Claudia held her nose.

  Debbie Tucci Drake was outfitted in black suede pants that hugged her large bottom and a very revealing pink lace blouse. Around her neck, (which Claudia wanted to wring) hung multiple chains that clinked loudly every time she moved.

  “She looks like a rapper,” Claudia sputtered.

  Debbie was seated at a round table with Patty and some other unknowns. Her giant handbag with the huge gold logo was positioned to face our table directly, and her leopard print jacket was carefully flipped over her chair, showcasing its designer label.

  “She has no clue,” Claudia snarled.

  The mere sight of her made Claudia queasy.

  “She makes Selena look good,” she sneered.

  “Oh, stop…just ignore her.”

  “Honestly, Pen. I mean, granted, Selena’s a little flamboyant - okay, a lot flamboyant - but she’s harmless, really. Debbie is another story - a train wreck - so gaudy and conniving. Not the type you want around your man,” Claudia boomed. “I think the men in this town are losing it. What the hell was Alistair thinking when he married that idiot?”

  “I don’t think he was thinking.”

  “Exactly!”

  “Did you check out her ring?” Claudia pointed with her chin. “Please. It looks like a snow globe…so huge, so gaudy, so, so…”

  “Well, she won’t last long; he always did have a roaming eye,” I assured. “Pretty soon another young thing will come along, and she’ll get the boot; it’s just a matter of time…”

  “Ha! I hope it’s a stiletto,” she hissed. “Well, it serves her right; it was horrible when Stacey was put into that hospital. She’s never been the same. Does Debbie really think she’s got people fooled? Everyone knows she comes from nothing. I think her father was a chicken farmer or something…”

  “No, darling, you have that wrong; a plumber,” I whispered.

  “Well, I have nothing against plumbers or chicken farmers. I do, however, have a problem with tacky blowhard home wreckers who step all over people to get what they want,” Claudia said in a loud growl, hoping Debbie would overhear.

  “Calm down, Claudia.”

  “Please! Stacey Morgan is the ultimate in breeding and refinement. The thought of that bimbo, Debbie, galloping in her footsteps makes me sick. Does she think she impresses the women in this town? She’s so obvious; it’s pitiful. New money is the worst,” she barked. “There should be a law!”

  “Okay, okay, forget about her.”

  Claudia was really getting fired up.

  “If she mentions Newport, Aspen or St. Barts one more time, my head is going to explode. Look, Pen, we need to stand up against these types. They’re muscling in, taking over our space, and cozying up to our men!”

  Claudia caught the waiter’s eye.

  “Well, I don’t think you have to worry. Debbie is busy taking care of Alistair. She doesn’t have time to cozy up to anyone else. He keeps her pretty busy. You know how he is…”

  Claudia sneered and barked at the approaching waiter, “Get me a martini, and she’ll have a Pinot Grigio….keep ‘em coming!”

  “Oh, look, there’s Phyllis,” I waved, happ
y for the distraction.

  Phyllis bounced into the dining room wearing a tight fitting, brown suede shirt tucked neatly into a long gauzy skirt, secured with a wide turquoise-studded belt. A thick Navajo-print blanket was draped casually over one shoulder. From her ears, hung long turquoise earrings in the shape of chili peppers that dusted her shoulders as she walked, and her tiny wrists were encircled with numerous 18-karat gold bangles, all clinking loudly as she hurried over to our table.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late; where’s Jackie?” she asked, blowing air kisses.

  “Not here yet,” I replied.

  “I was working on my column and lost track of time.” When Phyllis isn’t caught up in some kind of metaphysical jamboree, she’s writing. She writes a weekly column for that controversial underground newspaper, The Final Aura.

  “Great, what’s this one about?” asked Claudia, pulling her attention away from Debbie.

  “Remote viewing,” Phyllis answered brightly.

  “Huh?” Claudia screwed her face up.

  “Yes, it can be very useful.”

  “Umm, I’m ravenous,” I said, changing the subject, and stared down at the Regal’s legendary menu. “Where’s Jackie? I’m starved; I want to order.”

  “Me too; I’m absolutely dying for a quinoa muffin and a cup of dandelion soup,” Phyllis chirped.

  “Dandelion soup…?” My mouth went down.

  “Please…I’m so sick of pasta,” Phyllis sneered. “Frank is home making vats and vats of sauce. Honestly, what the hell am I going to do with all that sauce? What does he think I’m running, a trattoria?”

  “Ha! Maybe you should package it…a new body rub! Remember Trevor’s sensual body oil?”

  “Oh, geesh, Frank is still complaining about that. What a hoot; remember the looks you got at the bank, Claudia?”

  “How could I forget? Who knew Trevor posted ads for that stuff in the village square.”

  “Oh, by the way, Frank has that guy driving for me now,” Phyllis said. “His name is Vito. The guy never shuts up. He could definitely use a Reiki treatment or something, so much pent up anger. It’s amazing how many people are running around with their inner garbage spilling out. The world would be a much nicer place if everyone had their pain bodies exorcised.”

  Claudia stared at Phyllis with her mouth hanging open.

  “What is a pain body?” I asked.

  “Pen, please!” Claudia growled, waving her hands around. “Not today, please…”

  Just then, I saw Jackie walking through the main entrance. She was wearing a dark brown sheath and high suede boots, her cashmere trench casually thrown over one arm. An enormous gold link chain was wrapped around her slender neck, and flawless diamonds sparkled from her ears.

  “Oh, look, Jackie’s still wearing that bandage,” I said feeling sorry for her.

  “You have to give the girl credit, that brooch she placed on it looks kinda trendy,” said Phyllis, widening her eyes.

  The large bandage was wrapped around Jackie’s head like a giant turban, giving her a sort of swami look.

  “What the hell happened…fall off another bar stool?”

  “Ha, ha, ha…funny as a cramp, Phyllis.” Jackie snorted and put her two fingers up in a mock peace sign.

  “No, Phyllis, Jackie slipped in her art studio,” Claudia corrected, squeezing Jackie’s hand. “Geeze, Phyllis, where’s all the compassion?”

  “Sorry, I didn’t know. Great look, though, Jackie,” said Phyllis taking it all in.

  Jackie plopped down, and the waiter took our order.

  “Girls, I’m done. I mean…life is so hard, isn’t it? I’ve been working on my new collection and it’s useless; I’m just not pulling anything out,” Jackie whimpered. “There’s nothing left inside me. I’m empty, barren… a wasteland of nothingness. I think I need a change of pace, a new environment, a muse.”

  “Jackie, take it easy. You just need a little rest; that’s all.”

  “Yes, Claudia’s right; you’ve been through a lot, and that knock on the head set you back, that’s all.” Jackie looked at me blankly and shrugged. “You’re just depressed, honey. It’s going to be okay. Just give yourself a little time. Have you heard from Teddy?”

  “My lawyer has…he’s moved in with that adolescent bimbo.” We all put our heads down. “Speaking of bimbos, is that Debbie Drake over there?” Jackie motioned over to Debbie’s table with a frown and a flick of her porcelain hand. “Honestly, we’re outnumbered, girls.”

  “Exactly!” cried Claudia. “I was just saying how…”

  “Oh, not again,” I said, holding my head. “We’ve already been through all that.”

  “Excuse me, Pen.” Claudia narrowed her eyes. “Like I was saying, Jackie, everywhere I turn I catch some young upstart creeping into our lives, trying to walk in our Choos! We need some kind of plan.”

  Phyllis agreed and stared at Debbie Tucci Drake with a crazy wide-eyed look, leading me to believe she was casting some kind of spell on her.

  “I think she was a stripper.”

  “No! You’re kidding,” Claudia gasped.

  “I read it in a blog…”

  “By the way, I spoke with Trevor this morning.” Claudia thankfully changed the subject. “His break is coming up, so he’ll be home soon. Oh, and he’s got a new girlfriend; he’s being quite mysterious about her…I think he said something about a blonde from Napa; I’m not sure. It was a bad connection.”

  Jackie looked down. “I think I’m going to set off for the south of France - I need a change - or maybe Spain,” she interrupted.

  I thought about taking a vacation myself. I was fantasizing about going back to the beach house more and more. The thought of just lounging around was tempting. It seemed like a super luxurious idea, and since Mother was camping out, I wasn’t so worried about leaving the girls for a short jaunt. “You know, I think I’m going to drive out to the beach house for a long weekend,” I announced, surprising myself. “It’ll be nice to have some alone time and catch up on some reading, visit the galleries, that type of thing.”

  “Now you’re talking!” Jackie lit up. “Finally, Pen, you’re doing something just for you.” Jackie seemed to come alive for the first time in days.

  “Wow, sounds like you can’t wait to get rid of me.” I laughed nervously.

  “Au contraire; I just love you, and I see the way you run around for the twins and Sam. You just never do anything nice for yourself. Oh, you go to the gym, lunch, that type of thing…but you never spend any real time pampering yourself. I just think you need to that’s all. Sam does. He’s always going off somewhere. He’s never home…” Jackie seemed unusually perturbed with Sam.

  “Jackie’s right, Pen, you should take some time. Give yourself a little treat. You love the beach. You always talk about it. I remember when we were back at school; you used to daydream about it. Remember that guy you loved so much. What was his name?”

  “Logan,” I answered softly.

  “Yes, Logan. Oh, girls, Pen was so in love, love, love with this guy; total crush,” she giggled. “That’s all she talked about - a hunky knock-out with big blue eyes and a dreamy smile.” She fluttered her eyelashes.

  “Oh? Do tell…sounds like a possible muse.” Jackie perked up.

  “Those were the days,” I said dreamily, wondering if Phyllis knew anything about time travel. I mean, wouldn’t it be wonderful to travel back and relive the splendor of young love and toned legs. “If only we could go back in time, just for a little while.” We laughed and then stopped, each of us caught up in an adolescent memory.

  It was all suddenly interrupted, however, by what sounded like gurgling.

  “What the hell is that?” Phyllis asked, looking around.

  It was a horrible sound, and grew louder and louder, echoing in the massive dining room. The gurgling quickly turned into gasping, and screams rang out from the far corner of the room. We all turned in the direction of the gruesome sound, and froze, sho
cked by the sight before us.

  Debbie Tucci Drake was rocking back and forth, violently waving her arms over her head. She was making a horrific gagging sound, and one of the ladies shouted, “Quick, someone get help, she’s choking!”

  Without thinking, and with lightning speed, Claudia popped up and literally jumped over one of the club’s armchairs as she sprinted over to Debbie’s aid. Expertly, she scooped Debbie up from behind and wrapped her arms around her middle, lifting her up in a life-saving embrace. Then she clenched her fist and smashed into Debbie’s gut.

  Three quick thrusts, and a piece of Chef Leonardo’s famous Regal Rock Chicken Fricassee popped out of Debbie’s mouth and shot across the room, landing on Mrs. Bartlett’s fur collar.

  After the ghastly expulsion, Claudia threw Debbie down on the table. “Don’t brag with your mouth full,” she snarled.

  Stunned, we all jumped to our feet, our jaws hanging in awe.

  Meanwhile, Debbie sat limply with her head down on the table gasping for air, her gold chains tangled in her long bleached hair.

  Within seconds, the entire dining room erupted in a roar of clapping and a chant of “Bravo,” as Patty sat struggling for air and whimpering.

  Claudia composed herself and took a bow. Returning to our table, she wiped the perspiration from her forehead with her signed, one of a kind, Salvatore Caracas scarf and tried to put her hair back in place. Meanwhile, the manager rushed over with a bottle of Dom Pérignon and quickly popped it open.

  “Compliments of the Regal Rock for unbridled bravery!” he announced.

  Jackie quickly poured a glass and threw it down her throat.

  “My God, Claudia, that was amazing.”

  “Oh, it was nothing.” She was pale and dazed looking.

  “Claudia, do you know what this means?”

  “No; what?”

  “You saved Debbie Tucci Drake’s life!”

  “Huh?”

  “Yes, you saved her life. Without you, she wouldn’t be here right now.” Claudia stared at me like she was seeing the Ghost of Christmas Past and started to shake. “She owes you now. Big time! You know what they say…once you save someone’s life, they’re forever in your debt.”