by A C Warneke
Her frown deepened as she thought about her dad. She could have sworn that she had lived with him her entire life, but she had memories of moving out of his house and in with Jack nearly seven years ago. But they had moved so frequently when she had been a child; didn’t they? Her memories told her that they had lived together in a large, light-filled house all of her life, but it felt wrong. Artificial. She could feel other memories behind a wall, memories that were… darker somehow.
A nervous laugh shook her from her thoughts. Her subconscious was just screwing with her; it was perfectly normal to have such disjointed thoughts in the middle of the night in a quiet house as thoughts of a black-haired god teased her senses. In fact, it had to be his fault that she was even debating the nature of her reality; had she not had such exquisite dreams of him over the past couple of nights, she wouldn’t think anything was amiss.
Her stomach rolled over and she put her hand on it, hoping to calm it. She really hoped she wasn’t coming down with something; there was so much she wanted to do in her garden. Maybe she would make up some fresh cookies and introduce herself to some of her other neighbors, since she really only knew Jay. And she didn’t even know him very well, did she? But he knew about her salsa and even suggested the fact that she always made some for the neighborhood. How very odd.
In truth, she didn’t much feel like she knew her neighbors; she had always been somewhat distant from others, uncomfortable around new people. She never knew if they were friend or a vamp-wannabe. Scowling, she shook her head; that wasn’t why she kept her distance. No, it had been easiest that way, since they had moved so often when she was growing up; there were always battles to be fought and….
She slammed her fist down into her pillow, desperate to stop these irrational thoughts from filling her head. This was why she hated the darkest hours of night; nothing was what it was supposed to be and anything seemed possible. Even vampires.
Swinging her legs out of bed, she quietly made her way back to Toby’s bedroom; he was the only real thing in the world. Kneeling next to his bed, she drank in the sight of him, brushing a strand of his hair from his face before curling her fingers around his small hand. He made a little snuffling sound in his sleep, smacking his lips together as he rolled onto his back. He was real.
Her memories of him were real. Holding him as soon as he was born, crying and laughing at the same time; feeding him and watching him sleep: his first words, his first steps. Her father had been there for all of it, but he hadn’t been.... And Jack….
“Oh, Toby,” she said on a sigh, wishing she weren’t so confused. “I wish your father were here; he would have been so proud of you.”
She sighed again, thinking about Jack, a sad smile curving her lips. Which of her memories were real? It felt like a betrayal to not know. She had loved him, and at times he had been the rock of her world, but was he the Jack of her dreams or her memories? Perhaps he was somewhere in between, a man who had protected her and encouraged her and who died too soon.
She saw so much of Jack in Toby and she smiled even as a tear slid down her cheek. It wasn’t fair that Jack never even got to meet his son; he had been a good man and would have been a great father. Now her memories of Jack were being usurped by a phantom and guilt gnawed at her gut. Maybe it was time to move on, to finally let him go. She had loved him and would always love him but she knew he wouldn’t want her mourning him for the rest of her life.
She wished the black-haired dream lover was real; but men like that didn’t exist in real life. At least not in her world, where life was peaceful, calm. One could almost say boring, but not her; she loved the tranquility. And if, every now and then, it felt wrong, then she would just have to deal with it. And if it felt like something – someone – was missing, she’d chalk it up to loneliness.
As a wave of nausea washed over her, she squeezed her eyes shut; maybe she really was coming down with something. Hopefully it would pass quickly since she rarely ever got sick, and never with anything serious.
Her eyes became heavier and heavier as she watched Toby sleep, until she fell asleep kneeling on the floor, her head on the bed.
In her dreams, her black-haired lover stepped out of the shadows, gently running a hand over her head, relishing the light touch. He carefully laid her down on the floor, covering her with a light blanket before bending over her, breathing her in, and placing a soft kiss on her lips before fading back into the shadows.
She didn’t want him to go.
Chapter 13
Malorie slumped over the toilet; it was the third morning in a row that she had lost her breakfast and she was tired of feeling so miserable. It wasn’t just that she was throwing up every time she managed to eat something; it was the dreams that refused to go away. The dreams were always the same, fighting and war, fear, exhilaration, sex with a black haired god. And though Jack was in every dream, whenever they had sex, it was the black haired man that thrust between her thighs.
It was very disconcerting; he had replaced Jack in her bed and he wasn’t even real.
It was also become increasingly difficult to keep her illness from Toby. Especially since she wanted to spend most of her day in bed with a cool compress pressed against her forehead. It seemed to be the only thing that kept the nausea at bay. With a wry chuckle, she thought that perhaps she should start keeping crackers on her nightstand so she could nibble at them before getting up; they had been the only thing that made her first trimester bearable.
She stilled; she hadn’t felt this miserable since she had been pregnant with Toby. But that was impossible; she hadn’t had sex in years. Except for in her dreams and she was pretty sure that dream lovers could not get her pregnant. No matter how real the dream.
Standing on slightly wobbly legs, she held onto the sink as she rinsed her mouth out. Meeting her eyes in the mirror, seeing the pale skin and the dark circles, she had to wonder if perhaps she had lost her mind after all. It had to be a bug because she would have remembered having sex in the last couple of days, and she knew it was recent because she had developed symptoms with Toby almost immediately.
As she left the bathroom, she looked up and saw her father, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. The hallway was dark, cramped, and her father made the atmosphere feel even more claustrophobic. She had just finished throwing up everything she had ever eaten in her entire life; the last thing she wanted to deal with was her father. His eyes were narrowed as he took in her haggard appearance. With no prelude, he asked, “I assume Jack is the father?”
Malorie shook her head at the flash of memory. The room had seemed so very familiar but she couldn’t remember living in such squalor. At one time the walls may have been painted a bright cheery shade of yellow but by the time they lived there, they had been coated with gray grime, making the yellow appear to be a color from a drug-induced haze. Mal could still smell the filth that clung to every molecule of air, making it difficult to breathe without gagging; and that had been before she got pregnant.
Yet at the same time, she remembered discovering her pregnancy in a clean, well-lit room, Jack standing with her as the doctor confirmed her condition. Jack had hugged her tightly to his chest and told her that they would marry immediately. And her wedding….
“Do you take this man to be your husband?” the exhausted man asked, several days growth of beard shadowing his face.
Malorie looked up at Jack, at his smiling face; he was so pleased to be marrying her and she was simply scared. She loved him, she did; she just wasn’t sure if she was ready for marriage, for motherhood. They were going to be bringing a new life into this messed up world; how could she help but to worry? Swallowing, she nodded and Jack laughed and then kissed her. He was much more eager to repeat his vows, but then, he wasn’t the one who was going to be going through pregnancy; labor.
A chorus of cheers went up and she turned to face her men.
Malorie squeezed her eyes shut to erase the strange daydre
am. She and Jack had been married… they had been married outside, beneath the trees and the blue sky. Her father had given her away….
God, she couldn’t remember which memory was real. Her dreams were definitely finding their way into her waking hours and that worried her because as disturbing as it was to not know what was real and what was not, she wanted her dream lover to be real. She loved him.
Hmm, maybe that would explain why she was having symptoms that resembled morning sickness: she was having a psychosomatic pregnancy. And that was really just too messed up to even pretend to contemplate. She really needed to get out and date; maybe she would ask Jay out. Because she didn’t feel anything but friendship towards him he would be safe. And real.
Her stomach lurched and she lost the little sip of water she managed to drink.
It was time to prove to her stupid mind that she wasn’t pregnant and that there was no reason to send out signals to the rest of her body that she was. Her dream lover was simply that – a dream. He didn’t exist and as such he could not get her pregnant.
“Toby!” she called out, after managing to brush her hair back into a pony tail and washing her face. She still looked pale but she felt that she was past the worst of it.
Her son came tearing around the corner, proudly wearing his new green, Robo-monsters tie tennis shoes. “Yeah, mom?”
“I need to run to the store,” she said, taking his hand in hers and walking down the stairs.
“But, mommy,” he cocked his head to the side, his little face contorted with puzzlement. “We just went to the store yesterday; we even got my favorite cereal.”
“I know, honey, but there are a few things I forgot to get,” she told him, gathering up her car keys and purse. She paused when she touched the purse; there was something about that, too. True, she had been hauling it back and forth the past few days, hardly paying it any attention at all but in that moment, there was something significant about that purse.
Oh, sure, it looked like an ordinary purse; medium sized, brown leather, a zipper enclosure; but she could have sworn she had lost it at one point. Perhaps she did and then found it again; that would make sense. And if she weren’t having bizarre dreams and insane flashes of possible memories, she would have let it go at that. But she was having bizarre dreams and insane flashes of memory and there was something about the purse.
“Mommy?” Toby asked, concern tightening his voice. “Are you okay?”
She put her arm through the strap and forced a smile to her lips, “Of course I am, sweetie; just having one of those mom moments.”
He giggled like she knew he would and that made her smile; everything was all right as long as she had Toby. She had just been spending too much time outside with the plants; maybe one of them released a hallucinogenic pollen, or something.
As soon as she started the car, the radio came on, making her jump. Then laugh at her reaction because she frequently left the radio on when she turned the car off and this was nothing new. It was playing her favorite winter song, again, and she and Toby sang along, again. It was such a great song, with a catchy refrain, though she could never remember the exact words. Something about a priest and a snowman and maybe a circus clown.
She giggled, then abruptly covered her mouth with her hand, driving with the other as Toby started to giggle, too. And as their laughter filled the car, she felt the tension and anxiety ease from her shoulders, felt the pesky thoughts fade away. She was going to have to get a copy of the song so she could play it at home; it was doing amazing things for her well-being.
It was even taking care of her upset tummy and light-headedness; something she hadn’t realized she was suffering from until it eased.
Abruptly, she decided to drive to the ocean, dip her feet in the warm water. With a smile on her face, a song in her heart, she turned right instead of left to the store. Whatever it was she needed would still be there in a few hours; it was more important to see the ocean and share that experience with Toby.
They had only driven for about fifteen minutes when the headache started, pressing at the inside of her skull. She would have ignored it except she didn’t think she’d be able to keep driving without passing out. It was easy to make the decision that the ocean could wait for another day so she kept driving only until she could find a place to turn around. But the headache got worse, spreading to her stomach and making her feel like her guts were being pulled inside out. If she didn’t find a place to turn around soon, she was going to have to pull over so she wouldn’t pass out while driving at 60 miles per hour.
“Damn it,” she said under her breath, still looking for a place to turn. That’s when the black dots began dancing behind her eyes and she knew that it was only a matter of time before she blacked out.
The theory that there was a hallucinogenic producing plant in her backyard was starting to sound more and more probable. Without regard to the law, she turned the wheel of the car and pulled a one-eighty and started heading back the way that they had come. And almost as fast, the symptoms began to fade. It was the strangest thing and she thought it might have something to do with driving so far away from home but that was ridiculous. Of course, she didn’t want to test that theory, she was still feeling a bit queasy and she didn’t think it was from the drive anymore.
She really needed to pick up one of those tests so she could reassure herself that she wasn’t pregnant; just ill.
“Mommy?” Toby whispered, concern in his voice.
“I’m okay,” she managed, taking deep gulps of air to clear the remaining pockets of nausea, her forehead still dotted with cold sweat. It had felt as if she were leaving a part of herself – a vital part – behind; that if she went much further, she would have been pulled in two. It would have been excruciating, possibly even enough to kill her because how would it be possible to live without a heart or a soul?
“I’m okay,” Malorie repeated softly, reaching over and taking his hand in hers. The only real thing. “Tell you what; after the store, we can stop at the ice cream shop and have some ice cream.”
Toby’s enthusiasm could not hide the fact that the thought of ice cream made her tummy flip over on itself and do its imitation of an acrobat. And the only time she couldn’t stand even the thought of ice cream had been when she was pregnant. But she wasn’t going to go there.
The drive back to town didn’t take nearly as long and she realized that there had been no other traffic on the road. At the time she hadn’t really been bothered by it, but there was always traffic, especially on such a gorgeous day. Her neighbors all had cars, beautiful cars, but none of them were out. Yet, the parking lot in front of the grocery store had several cars parked in it. All of the businesses had cars parked nearby.
“And because it is such a wonderful song, here it is again,” the deejay chimed in. The opening chords of the winter song started again only this time, they didn’t seem to have the same effect. At least, not to the same extent.
Probably because she was about to turn the car off and make a run for the bathroom. “Come on, Toby.”
He slipped his hand into hers and followed her as she rushed inside and quickly found the public restroom. She took him into the ladies bathroom and had him wait outside the stall door while she lost the air in her stomach, retching until her entire body ached with it. She wished she could believe it was just a bug but she never got sick.
“Are you okay?” Toby asked and she wished to God that he had not just had to listen to that.
“I’m fine, sweetie,” she managed, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead. Standing up and pasting a smile to her face, she opened the stall and grinned at him, “I’m just fine. Now, why don’t we get what we came here to get and then go have ice cream?”
He waited quietly as she rinsed her mouth out and then splashed some cool water on her face, blotting it dry before heading back out into the store. She grabbed a basket, since she didn’t need to buy a lot of stuff. Still, she just couldn’t
walk down the feminine products aisle and grab what she wanted; that would have been so embarrassing. Nope; instead she led Toby down several aisles, grabbing a box of crackers here, a jar of peanut butter there, and a bag of water balloons down the novelty aisle.
Finally she stood in front of the female products, her hands trembling as she held onto the basket and Toby’s hand. Glancing over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching, she swallowed and grabbed the package that offered two tests for the price of one, in case her brain was really stubborn. And just as quickly, she thrust them into the basket, beneath the bag of water balloons and the package of crackers.
Almost sighing with relief, she reached out for Toby’s hand but when he didn’t take it right away, she looked down at him. He was giving her the most quizzical expression and she laughed softly; he must be wondering what the heck she was doing. She had to admit her behavior was… strange to say the least.
Finally, he smiled at her, the gap where his tooth had been making her laugh deepen, and put his hand back in hers. He was chatting about what flavor of ice cream he could get, asking if perhaps he could get a double scoop, as they walked up to the counter to pay. Blushing furiously, she put her items up, not quite meeting the cashier’s eyes as he rang her up. She paid without comment and hurried out of there.
“Hey, neighbor,” someone called out, startling her. With an irrational guilty blush, she turned around and saw Jay walking towards them, his gait long and strangely predatory. He smiled at them as he came to a stop, resting a hand on Toby’s shoulder, “How are you guys doing today?”
“Fine,” Malorie said.
“Mommy’s sick,” Toby said at the same moment, making her want to sink into a hole.
Concern flittered across Jay’s face as he looked at her with genuine compassion, “It’s nothing serious, I hope?”
“Of course not,” she smiled brightly, feeling beads of perspiration dot her forehead at the lie. She was oddly uncomfortable discussing this with Jay.
