Fore!some

by Tina Clark

  Ed tore off his shorts and Hawaiian shirt, cursing his luck and Natalie’s verbosity and retrieved the apron from where he had so contemptuously discarded it. I look like a fucking mason! he thought staring at the mirror, standing on one leg, dropping his head on one side, sticking his tongue out and pulling an imaginary noose tight above his head.

  “Ed!”

  “Coming honey!” Oh shit!

  Gloria was standing in the kitchen pouring hot water from the kettle into the teapot and Ed thought it prudent not to get too close, so he stood just outside the door, his bum close to Mrs. Fraser’s smiling face whom he had failed to notice sitting there, in his haste and state of nervousness.

  “I’m having to do this myself, instead of entertaining our guest!” Gloria snapped at him.

  “I’m sorry dear, I do appologise, I was just...guest?”

  “Hello, Ed!” Mrs. Fraser piped up close enough for him to feel her breath on his cheeks.

  If she had stuck her finger up his bum, long pointed nail notwithstanding, he would have got less of a shock. As it was he took off like a rocket, farting in fright and shouting, “Oh ya basturd!”

  “Yes well, that was quite a comprehensive display of rudeness wasn’t it?” Gloria said to her crouching, twisting, glaring, uncomprehending, petrified husband. “Go to the toilet at once and use a nail brush - or I will! I do appologise Mrs. Fraser!”

  “Och!” Hilda Fraser said waving her hand dismissively, “On Barra, we kept beasts in the byre; we used to crowd in for a heat...and try no’ tae get splattered.”

  Ed was in the shower, still trembling and blowing bubbles but trying manfully to wash the smell of fear off his hide. “What the fuck’s she brought her in for?” he hissed into the spray of water. “Is it The Wicker Man now?”

  “Psst! Psst!” Ed hissed again towards Gloria when he came back down, as she was sitting chatting about what sounded like ‘pincers.’ Must fancy lobster for tea, he thought. Gloria rolled her eyes at Mrs. Fraser, but she got up and went over to the foot of the stairs round which Ed was peering. “Can I put trousers on?” he asked her, clearly expecting her to agree.

  “Certainly not!” she told him, adding, “Why would you want to?” The answer to which, was so obvious that the question raised serious concerns regarding her sanity Ed decided, but caught him so unprepared that he was left repeating it over and over, trying and failing completely to formulate an adequate response.

  Shaking his head in disbelief, Ed relinquished the relative security of the bottom step and ambled into the room trying not to turn his bare arse on Mrs. Fraser and at the same time trying even harder not to set anything swinging. “Ahha! There you are you rascal!” Mrs. Fraser shouted and shook her fist at him.

  Ed glared at her, made a face and would have said, ‘What’s it got to do with you? You crazy old bat!’ but Gloria was watching him and desperate for points, Ed only smiled and said, “You got me!” but added, “You old twat!” under his breath which Gloria heard and muttered to him smiling,

  “You really shouldn’t have said that Ed...I may make you eat your words!” which Ed smirked at, relieved she was sharing jokes with him again. “Now that you are back, deflated, we’ll have one of those blueberry muffins, just a half each for Hilda and I, none for you,” Gloria informed him, “You don’t deserve muffin of any description...with a dollop of sour cream, although if we’ve only got clotted cream I suppose that would do equally well,” she added and for some reason Hilda and her laughed.

  There was nothing for it but to give up trying to hide his bum from Mrs. Fraser so Ed set about his task, uncomfortably aware that his posterior was being closely scrutinised. “He’s got guid cheeks for it!” he heard her remark to Gloria, who replied disconcertingly ambiguously,

  “Oh, do you think so? I’ll be glad of a second opinion. Some of the sites I’ve subscribed to, in particular, Training your Husband and Giving your Naughty Man a Hand, demand such high standards and set very demanding criteria to score his response.”

  Uh? What? Ed thought, but that was as nothing to...

  “That’s what was sae handy about shearing time on Barra,” Mrs. Fraser said, “We could always pit them in wooly knickers when they misbehaved. The mair prudent wives kept a bag tae last the year...some o’ them kept sae much they had tae keep it in a Barra!” she added and the two of them howled.

  Ed came out of the kitchen with a plate of muffin in each hand and a staggered look on his face.

  “Oh he’s been listening, naughty boy!” Mrs. Fraser said. “He’ll be looking tae stuff a jotter doon his breeks!”

  “Well he Canna do that!” Gloria assured her, just showing off, but inadvertently also confirming, there was no escape.

  He had to bend to serve Mrs. Fraser and as he did the apron swung forward and she craned her neck to the side and shouted gaily, “Oh! And there’s the ither naughty boy!” leaving Ed holding the plate out, a mortally offended, struck dumb waiter while Gloria only laughed and winked, and shouted, “Pop goes the weasel!” idiotically.

  Ed would have liked to think things could only get better but events hastened in the other direction when, her mouth still full of cream and muffin, Gloria informed him that, “Hilda observed you wearing a proscribed item and was good enough to inform me Ed. I’m sure you want to thank her yourself?” and she waited.

  He thought she must be joking, Surely she’s joking! but her face was set tight and Ed with little choice muttered, “Oh yeah, thanks a bunch!” which if satisfying for a moment, he knew was a mistake.

  “As you see Hilda,” Gloria remarked, “No contrition, just barely subdued insolence. You leave me no choice Ed, you must be punished!” and she stood up.

  “But you do have a choice honey,” Ed implored her suicidally, “You could just say, ‘Aw fuck it!’ and not bother!”

  “Answering back too!” Mrs. Fraser scolded and tutted making Ed shake his head sorrowfully and hope they were going to handcuff him otherwise he feared he might throttle the mad cow.

  “It’s all being noted Ed,” Gloria assured him, “That’s two ‘Honey’s.’ I’m going to put my suit on, Hilda’s only seen the top and wants the full effect,” and stalked off leaving Ed alone with Mrs. Fraser sporting an insane grin and Ed trying to ignore her and experiencing that odd thrill of anticipatory fear he was coming to recognise.

  “Now you’re going tae catch it!” Mrs. Fraser told him, “And I’m going tae thoroughly enjoy it!”

  “I’ll try and put on a good show for you!” Ed spat.

  “I wouldn’t bother,” she said, “You no’ be able to keep it up for long...they never do,” she added chilling him and making him wonder about small Scottish islands and Wee Frees but not for long because Gloria returned resplendent in red rubber and Ed’s heart quailed at the magnificence of her. Even Mrs. Nor’westerly clasped her hands to her bosom and gasped, “Gorgeous! Startlingly so...and damn stimulating!” noticing the pants were open crotched and Gloria had bits in abundance to be open about.

  “Thank you!” Gloria cried putting in a turn revealing that the opening went all the way up her bum cleft in a narrow slit and setting Ed’s apron flapping like an Indian’s blanket over a signal fire.

  “Oh, did ye see that?” Mrs. Fraser, who obviously missed nothing, shouted pointing. “Mair insolence!” and she rubbed her hands together with unconcealed glee.

  “I know submissive’s erections are regarded as such by many women,” Gloria said, “But I encourage it. It’s a demonstrably sincere form of flattery and I’m rather inclined to take the opposite view and regard the lack of it as contempt!”

  Mrs. Fraser’s eyebrows went up and then came down again and a satisfied smile replaced her prudish expression. “Well said! Honesty’s a fine thing and there’s aye more to a sound thrashing than mere pain.”

  “Of course there
is!” Gloria agreed, “This is an intensely erotic experience for all of us, don’t you agree?”

  “Oh aye!” Mrs. Fraser nodded.

  “Made all the more provocative by Ed’s humiliation, providing us such piquant entertainment,” Gloria asserted, her nipples stiffening in the midst of her speech.

  “Jesus!” Ed said and his apron turned into a tent.

  Gloria watched it and smiled. “It’s got some way to go yet,” she informed Mrs. Fraser. “The trick is to make it rise and fall, a bit like the Holy Roman Empire, only lots of times! Bend over Ed.”

  ***

  “I’m going to spank you, a great deal...and then I’m going to send you for your box. That won’t be the end of it Ed...I may require service of you...and you’d do well to perform both energetically and enthusiastically!” Gloria pronounced standing behind Ed, him bent over, his hands on his knees, her left hand on his back and her right resting on his left buttock. She raised it slowly and paused at the top of the swing, in the way the best golfers do, before bringing it down expertly making a resounding clap which echoed in the stillness of the room and forcing Ed to gasp and buck like an antelope.

  “Wonderful shot!” Mrs. Fraser shouted. “And anither!” as Gloria furnished Ed’s remaining cheek with a partner.

  Gloria was much encouraged and not a little flattered by Mrs. Fraser’s praise and lay about Ed’s arse, as industriously as a blacksmith over his forge, with an order from the Abbess to make chastity belts for the promiscuous nuns of the convent.

  Ed wheezed and roared, yelled, screeched and swore until Gloria tired, and stood back to enjoy her handiwork. Mrs. Fraser jumped up in her excitement and rushed forward to get a closer look. “Oh that wis tremendous!” she exclaimed. “May I?” and she held her two hands out as if to a fire.

  “Certainly!” Gloria sang out.

  Ed’s bum was smarting so bad he hardly noticed as Mrs. Fraser rested her hands on it and said, “That wid come in handy on a cold day! What a fine job ye did!”

  “I’m glad you thought so,” Gloria said. “Would you like a go yourself?”

  “Whu? C’mon! No way!” Ed exploded, but Gloria just smacked him again and snapped,

  “Quiet!” as Mrs. Fraser’s hand stole between his cheeks to weigh his balls. Ed didn’t know whose hand it was, but Gloria did and she, realising that he didn’t, rejoiced and winked conspiratorially, intentionally encouraging Mrs. Fraser to take liberties, the further to intensify Ed’s belittlement.

  “You may stand for a moment Ed,” Gloria said and he straightened up painfully, wheezing and blowing like a Clydesdale while the two women swapped places.

  Mrs. Fraser took a few practice swings delivering only faint taps to Ed’s bum who smirked in contempt, noticed by both her and Gloria. “Clothes get in the way, don’t they?” she said.

  “One of my first discoveries!” Gloria intoned. “Here try my bra!” and she immediately popped it off and stood waiting as Mrs. Fraser began to disrobe.

  This I’ve got to see! Ed thought and turned round as Mrs. Fraser lifted her cardigan over her head and stood in a bra that Ed reckoned was made of sailcloth and held together not by thread but by rivets. “God almighty!” he gasped as she let go the anchors, the bra surged down the slipway and her tits floated free. “Hit me with them!”

  “Hmm,” Gloria replied, not in the least fazed, “We may think of something Ed!” and picked up Hilda’s tit and kissed the nipple tenderly, finishing by putting out her tongue and drawing wet circles round it.

  “Aw honey!” Ed bleated and the two women smiled as he tented again. They tried everything to get Hilda’s breasts into Gloria’s bra including dropping them from above, which Ed thought was definitely best but also brute force which Ed thought came a close second, but it was useless and they had to admit it. “I’ll just leave them as they are,” Mrs. Fraser said, “If you don’t mind of course.”

  “I don’t at all,” Gloria assured her, “In fact, I think you’d be more comfortable in the nude.” Mrs. Fraser didn’t need any encouragement, she stepped out of her skirt, pulled down her knickers and the transformation was complete and Ed had to admit she was one of those few women, a lot better to look at out of her clothes, than in them. She had a firm behind and a fine black bush, but those tits...Well those tits! “Ed approves!” Gloria declared to Mrs. Fraser, tapping the tent pole with a finger, and Mrs. Fraser joined in, tapping it back and forward between them, Ping Pong style. “Take it off and bend over Ed,” Gloria said.

  ***

  Hilda had been at the kidding as Ed found out. He didn’t know if it were men or bullocks she’d served her time on, probably the latter, but she’d got all the certificates. He howled like a hound dog and would have attempted flight had she not jammed her left foot on the inside of his, which braced his leg against hers, doubling the intensity of the blows but also adding an element of familiarity and sexual frankness that disoriented him and he would have admitted, had he been sentient enough, excited him. The effect was greatly exaggerated by her additional refinement to the pose...She spanked Ed with her right hand, and held onto his penis with her left, his backward and forwards rebounding from her smacks, serving to propel his penis in and out of her hand in an intentionally masturbatory motion that so excited Gloria, she took fifty pictures.

  “He’s nearly coming,” Mrs. Fraser told Gloria, stopping the action only just in time leaving Ed throbbing painfully at the rear and ecstatically in front.

  “So am I!” Gloria enthused, pushing her finger into the open crotch and shuddering, “Oh I mustn’t!”

  “You can if you like,” Mrs. Fraser said, “But isn’t that what he’s for?”

  “It is,” Gloria confirmed, “But he’ll shoot on sight after your...”

  “He’s a dog, isn’t he...he can lick, can’t he?” Mrs. Fraser asked Gloria. “Look, you get down here lass...” and she put Gloria on her back, on the floor and made Ed kneel between her legs and told him to provide his best effort, while she got down beside him grasped his cock again and restarted the spanking which so increased Gloria’s enjoyment she climaxed a dozen times in the hour the pummeling lasted.

  Ed wasn’t sent for his box that day; instead Gloria decided to continue to punish Ed’s tongue. “You will now pleasure our neighbour, in the identical fashion,” Gloria pronounced regally, if a little drunkenly and watched rapt and deeply aroused as her husband performed oral sex on another woman. Not your first time Ed, she thought, But the first time I’ve seen you...and not the last!

  Although his jaw ached and his tongue was numb, as punishment went it was a soft option for Ed. Okay, he had no option and he was still taking a spanking but by that time his bum was numb too and that was a good thing. Mrs. Fraser kept him so long working on his wife that by the time Gloria fell off the perch and panted, “Switch ends!” Ed’s performance on Hilda, for all that he tried his stoutest, willingly, and loved it...new fragrance, different flavour...the muscles in his head and neck simply gave out. He thought he was still doing it, he was still trying to do it, but actual contact between flapping tongue and pulsing pussy was fleeting at best.

  Like an experienced car mechanic analysing an engine misfire, Gloria spotted the source of the problem and made available the results of her investigation: “He’s in cunnyliquidation - His tongue’s done!” Mrs. Fraser had only come the once although it had been memorable. She bawled ‘Mary Mother of Christ!’ and began to sing in Gaelic and chant in Gregorian, clearly revealing the origins of much of North American music transported there by early Scottish settlers cleared from their land by the bastard English. Who knows what else we may have learned had not Ed’s tongue given out, having given so much.

  Gloria ceased her slapping and threw Ed on his back knowing he had a stonker ‘cause she’d been twanging it like a one string guitar for ten minutes in time to Hilda’s singing.
“Get on that!” she shouted. Hilda didn’t wait for Gloria to change her mind and mounted Ed faster than a Pony Express rider pursued by hostiles, dropping her tits on his face, bringing darkness and near asphyxiation which, Ed had not known before, greatly heightens a man’s orgasm. It did his and would have done sooner, had not Hilda known the secret. She didn’t want a fast end to her ride and knew how to use the reins. Reaching back between her mount’s legs, she pulled on his balls like the anchor in a tug o’ war, the rope.

  Ed had been close but now he was close to death, his balls hung by a thread and only Gloria’s last minute intervention...admittedly in her own interest, for despite their current difficulties, Gloria still harboured hopes of children...saved the day and all subsequent ones into the bargain. She lifted Hilda’s tits and threw them over Ed’s head, the weight transference, shifting Hilda up and away from Gloria’s future family, her hips rising to allow Ed to drive his cock into her with renewed oxygenated vigour which he did like a woodpecker with a large family whose tree had been cut down and needed a new house smartish because Mrs. Woodpecker and all the kids were sitting on a branch waiting.

  Ed had been through Hell for this orgasm, getting it was the only thing on his mind, he grasped Hilda’s firm big bum in his hands and he hurled himself into it with all his might giving her those multiple precious moments she hadn’t experienced since a container washed up on Barra containing a consignment of jackhammers which the women of the island mistook for the new bunny vibrators they’d heard about on the radio.

  He came humping and bumping, screaming and reaming, roaring and boring. He turned Mrs. Fraser over and picked her up; still impaled on his still firing cock and he ran across the room and crashed into the wall, leaving an impression in it and one on Mrs. Fraser. Spent and exhausted they slumped back to the floor, horse and rider - fucked! Gloria had been sitting on the couch watching in wonder. She got up and went over and shook Ed’s shoulder. “In future,” she told him, “Anything less than that, I’ll take as lack of interest.”