by Gina Shafer
Soren.
He’s small. Maybe only ten. I swear my heartbeat grows slower when I take in his face, when I see him during the time I was asleep. The time I missed out on. Suddenly, he changes. His body blurs and he morphs into the man he was only a few days ago. His figure looks so real that I’m tempted to run outside and scoop him up into my arms and squeeze until my muscles give out. His eyes lock with mine and my throat feels like it’s on fire. My vision feels like it’s drifting through fog and I realize that I’m crying. Soren’s body starts to blur once more and in an instant he’s gone. All that’s left is that damn bird still perched on the fence, still mocking me. Laughing at my tears.
An animalistic noise rips from my chest, and the glass from the window shatters. Only then do I realize that my magic is in full flame. My hands are burning hot and turning dark, black, and the color is eating its way up my arms.
“Elijah, what the hell was…?” Karina bursts in the room and stops in her tracks when her eyes find mine. I see dozens of emotions flit across her face before a calm shield finds its center in her eyes.
“I can’t do it, Karina. I can’t fight it this time,” I say, holding up my hands and showing her the magic burning my flesh away.
“That’s silly. Of course you can,” she says, walking with gentle footsteps and landing in front of me. How can she say that? How can she stay so calm? I’m about to turn into a shadow-walker in front of her and she looks like it’s just another day. The panic takes hold and I drop to my knees in front of her, wrapping my arms around her middle, holding on for dear life. I squeeze my eyes shut, afraid of what is about to happen. I don’t have the strength to fight this.
“Elijah, look at me. Right now,” she commands, like a mother would her child. I have nothing to do but follow her, so I do. I lean back and look at her beautiful eyes, hoping that I’ll still be able to see their beauty when mine turn steel. The burning in my arms reaches my elbows and my heart starts to thunder. I don’t have much time.
“You can do this. Do you hear me? Soren would never forgive you if you let yourself turn into a demon. He would expect you to fight,” she tells me, and her eyes shine with unshed tears.
“He’s gone, Karina. He’s gone. Oh, god, he’s gone.” I feel myself splitting apart. I feel the earth shaking. I feel my heart dying.
“What do I do? How can I do this? Fucking hell, how can I live without my life? How can I live without my son?” Am I even making sense? I don’t see Karina anymore, I’m just rambling, talking, distracting myself from the burn.
“Its simple, Elijah. Are you listening?” Karina calls to me. I nod, letting her voice be the only balm for my burning insides. “You will survive because Soren would want you to. You will live for him, because of him, and he will live through you, do you understand? You can’t let yourself turn into one of things that killed your son,” she finishes.
Somehow, the burn feels less. The heat is subsiding. My flame is growing weary. Back from a roar to a trickle. I peek down at my arms, and notice the skin returning to normal.
For Soren. Because of Soren. He will live through me.
“Elijah, are you in control? Are you with me?” Karina kneels in front of me, showing me the beauty of her face in full form. I fight through the tightness in my chest and shake my head up and down roughly. It’s only then that I notice the others have crowded the doorway. I look up to the concerned faces of Marcel, Xo, Micha, and Scarlett all so clearly afraid for me. Karina turns and tells them that I’m okay, and I can see the hesitation in their expressions as they leave one by one, Marcel being the last.
“Karina, I…” I begin to say, but the exhaustion of the moment breaks through and my body falls against the mattress by the window. She helps me get into bed and turns away to leave me to rest.
“Please, stay. Lay with me,” I ask and motion to the empty part of the bed next to me. She eagerly climbs next to me, wrapping her body under my arms, squeezing me as her tears soak my shirt. For the first time, she lets herself cry, and I let myself feel the pain of someone else. For the first time it becomes real to me that I’m not the only one affected by Soren’s death. That I’m not the only one who has lost someone important.
“I’m so selfish,” I mutter. Karina stops crying and tilts her head back to look into my eyes. She frowns in confusion, and then when seems to understand what I mean, her brows furrow deeply.
“God no, Elijah, I didn’t mean for this to make you feel that way.” She begins to pull away from me, but I trap her close, squeezing her tightly.
“You were right. Soren wouldn’t forgive me it I let myself become one of them,” I tell her, lifting her chin so that I can see you soft pink lips. In this moment I know we’re connected by something other than simply attraction. I am the tide and she is the moon. I couldn’t rise without her. I couldn’t be without her. I wouldn’t want to.
“I didn’t think about how hard this has been for all of you. I only thought of myself, my own grief,” I admit.
“You have every right to grieve in your own way. You lost your son, Elijah. No one would fault you for how you’ve dealt with it,” she says, her arms creeping up my back, rubbing small circles over the muscles there. She sniffles lightly, calming herself from her breakdown.
“But I should have handled it better,” I say. I know I should have taken care of everyone else before me. Not sat around like an asshole while people wait on me hand and foot, doing whatever they can to keep me alive. All while they’re mourning the loss of someone close to them. I’m a real piece of work.
“Elijah, listen. None of that matters now, okay? No one cares about it. The only thing we care about is how we are going to pay them back… how we’re going to take the demons down. Avenging Soren, my grandmother, every single person that was wronged by them.” Karina’s voice grows stronger. She leans up on one elbow, hovering over me. She lifts her index finger and lightly runs it down the side of my face. Her nose is reddened and shiny from crying, and I feel my heart open when I look at her.
“We should go talk to the others. I think hearing what they have to say will do you some good,” she says, her palm against my chest. I want nothing more than to stay in this room with her for the rest of my life, but I’m done hiding, I’m done moping. Like Karina said, Soren will live through me, and he deserves his vengeance and after this discussion with the others, we will be getting it… soon. I can’t sit this out.
Marcel, Xo, Micha, and Scarlett are sitting around the dining table, talking softly. I catch the sight of Soren’s old measurements on the wall as I stride toward them, and I almost fall over with grief. Out of some miracle, I keep steady on my feet.
“Elijah!” Marcel exclaims when he catches sight of me. I turn my lip up at the corner in greeting and I feel Karina slide up behind me.
“It’s okay... I’m okay,” I start, holding up my hands as proof before dropping them to my sides. “There’s nothing any of us can to do bring him back. I’m truly sorry for the way I’ve handled things these past…” I pause, still not knowing exactly how long we’ve been back at this house.
“Three weeks,” Scarlett answers for me. I tilt my head in thanks to her.
“Yes, three weeks… I want you to know I don’t blame a single one of you. I blame the demons. And… with your help, I’d like to kill every last one of them,” I say, peering at every face before me, hoping I’ve still got friends to back me up.
“You’ve got my help, anytime,” Marcel says, fighting back the shine in his eyes. I nod my head, accepting his help.
“And mine,” Xo says as he stands. “Salvar las vidas de muchos.” I nod in his direction too.
“You don’t have to ask us, Elijah. We’re here with you, we want to help.” Micha speaks for him and Scarlett both. They clasp hands over the top of the table.
I spin, turning my gaze upon Karina, asking but not voicing the same question I’ve asked the others. I want to make sure she knows what she’s getting into before s
he agrees.
She rolls her eyes.
“Oh, don’t be an idiot, of course I’m going to help,” she says and brushes past me to grab her laptop and join the others at the table. I chuckle lightly, the sound feeling odd as it passes my lips; it feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve laughed.
I hear the clack of toenails on the hardwood and turn my head to see Willow descending the stairs slowly. She lifts her head when she sees me, and after weeks of no one being able to get her to eat more than a bite of food at a time, she immediately finds her bowl and scarfs down huge mouthfuls at a time. Once she’s finished, she walks up to the rest of us and sits on the edge of the room, staring at me like she’s waiting for me to start speaking.
“So, where to begin?” Marcel asks, mirroring the dog’s unspoken question.
“The warehouse diner,” I say. “I’m thinking we’re going to need to gather a bit more information.”
“How do you suppose we’ll do that?” Scarlett asks, leaning in close out of curiosity.
“We’re going to capture one of them,” Xo answers. I nod my head, relieved to know that we’re on the same page.
“Torture?” Scarlett’s voice goes high, like she wasn’t expecting that answer.
“We need the information, babe. We can’t trust another demon after what they did to Soren. We have to find out in our own way,” Micha says as he turns his body toward his wife. I had noticed Scarlett’s innocence before, but I’m struck with the depth of it when she lifts her head and I see the purity in her eyes. She’s uncomfortable with hurting someone, demon or not. I’m thankful to have someone with such good in them on our side. I raise my brows at her, letting her know I’m listening if she has any objections. But she doesn’t protest; she merely flicks her gaze to her husband and then back to me before nodding once.
“When do we leave?” Micha asks.
“Tonight,” I answer and watch as the five heads in front of me nod in agreement.
“Karina…” I say. She lifts her head from her laptop to meet my eyes. “Got any more of those pancakes?” I ask.
A smile breaks out across her face, her pearly white teeth stark against her rosy lips.
“Of course,” she says, and heads into the kitchen. But she comes back cradling something in her hands.
“I didn’t read it,” she blurts out before softly placing my journal on the table in front of me. She turns on her heel, scurrying from the room like she’s afraid of my reaction. The others in the room look to me in confusion. Karina doesn’t normally act with uncertainty; it’s odd to see her this way. I shrug my shoulders and they all return to their preparations. I get up to follow her into the kitchen.
“It wouldn’t bother me if you did,” I say once I see the outline of her body in the window light above the sink. My voice catches Karina off guard and she jumps, dropping the whisk full of pancake batter to the floor.
“Damn it, Elijah, you scared the hell out of me,” she says, clutching her hand to her chest. She’s got a few drops of batter in her dark brown hair, and it’s pulled back into a loose bun. She looks beautiful, and I realize that she’s staring at me like I’m insane. I haven’t said a word. I’m just looking at her, watching as she wipes up the pancake batter off the floor with a dishtowel.
“Karina,” I whisper, and she stills, lifting her eyes from the mess to meet mine.
I cross the room, not stopping until my body is flush with hers. I hear her small intake of breath as I reach for the towel she threw on the counter behind her. I press my chest against hers as I wipe the towel across the edge of her hair where it meets her forehead, removing away the pancake batter there. I kiss the small spot of her temple and move away.
“You can read it whenever you want,” I say as I leave the room, feeling the weight on my chest lift just a tiny bit with my renewed purpose. I scoop up the journal and head upstairs, planning to write for the first time since Soren was killed. But first, I want to read a passage. When I plop down on the bed, I turn the pages until I find the entry I remember, the week before Soren’s fourth birthday.
Soren burnt his fingers last night. It was chilly, and Vara decided she wanted a fire to warm the house. It was nice to sit around and eat dinner by the fire as a family. After Vara put Soren to bed, it was even nicer making love to her in front of it.
Soon after we finally went to bed, crying from downstairs woke me. I shot out of bed, fearing the worst. I grabbed my pistol from the top of the TV stand and took the stairs two at a time. My first thought was demons, but when I caught the first look of Soren, cross-legged and crying in front of the fireplace, clutching his fingers, I hid the gun behind my back. Once I was close enough, Soren looked up just as I was placing my pistol on the mantel. I was worried, but I didn’t want his panic to rise because he saw me freaking out. I crouched down next to him and he immediately fell into my lap and buried his face in my chest. Vara came running down the stairs, and when I caught a look at her face, I was struck with guilt over not waking her first. Frowning and almost losing her cool, she rushed to Soren’s side and put a hand on his back, asking him what happened.
“Daddy, I touched the fire.” He pulled his face from my soaked shirt and pointed toward the still-hot wood. I scanned the fireplace, noticing that the wood was just smoldering, and that no flame was present anymore.
“Soren, why would you do that?” Vara asked him. I could tell she wanted to grab him from my lap, bothered that she couldn’t do anything to comfort his hurt. When he heard Vara’s voice, he just cried harder.
“Can daddy take a look?” I moved to grab Soren’s other hand, while I kept eye contact with him, making sure he wasn’t going to break free from my grasp before I got a chance to see how bad the burn was.
Soren’s face filled with apprehension, and for a second I thought he really wasn’t going to let me. Until finally, he took a deep breath that hitched in his throat and shook his head up and down, holding his injured fingers out for me to examine.
The burn wasn’t bad, but it was enough to hurt like hell. The skin on his four fingertips was wrinkly and shiny, and seemed to just blister slightly.
After I had put ointment on them, and wrapped them lightly with gauze, I wiped his tears and asked him again why he woke up in the middle of the night to touch the fire. He was quiet for a long time before he answered.
He told me he didn’t want to be afraid of the flame.
I had no idea what to say to that.
He told me that when he saw the burn on his fingers, saw how it changed his skin, he was afraid that he would turn into one of them, a demon. I told him the first thing that came to mind…
“Soren, the flame inside you is different than the fire you saw tonight.” His face showed confusion, but I could tell he was trying to understand by the tilt in his head.
“The flame inside you doesn’t burn you unless you touch it too much,” I told him.
“But how will I know when it’s too much, daddy?” he asked while inspecting the new bandaged that surrounded his left hand.
“We’re still trying to figure that out, Soren, but for now… let’s not touch any flame, no matter where it comes from, okay?” I said when he lifted his eyes from his fingers to look at me. He nodded and jumped into bed with Vara.
I couldn’t return to bed for a long time. My mind felt raw after the events of the night.
Now, Soren is spinning in a stool at the counter in the kitchen, banging his feet against the cabinets every time the stool brings him full circle. I have to bite back a smile when Vara tells him not to kick; she’s said it at least fifteen times already. The only thing that stops me from making a joke is the look on Vara’s face. Like Soren getting burnt really shook her. I can tell she’s trying not to let it bother her, so I let it go for now. She’ll come to me if she wants to talk, and if not I’ll ask her about it later.
When I’m done reading the journal entry, I pause for a moment. I wipe my eyes, which are overflowing with tears
at the memory of my son. He was so little, and I remember the look in his tiny brown eyes when he saw me run down the stairs. I felt his fear, I felt his pain. I still feel it now, even though he’s gone. I flip through the pages in the journal until I find a blank one, and I pick up the pen and begin to let the words flow through my fingers. Once I’m done, I toss the book on the corner of my bed and begin preparing myself for the mission we’re going on tonight. Capturing one of them will not be easy, but with a little luck, we’ll get one step closer to finding Abe... finding Lincoln, and killing them both.
Soren – Three weeks earlier
“Concentrate Soren, you’re never going to get it if you don’t pay attention and take this seriously,” Lincon almost yells at me. He almost yells because he doesn’t want the others to hear.
“I’m trying Lincoln, damn it. I’m doing my best,” I tell him.
“Well, I’m sorry to tell you boy, but if you don’t get this, and we let your father and the rest of the Sicarri walk into this trap with no plan, there’s no way any of us are making it out alive. We have to get this, Soren,” Lincoln walks closer to me, so close than I can feel the heat emanating from his body. He means what he says, and I understand the gravity of the situation, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
“I know, okay. I know all this. I just need a minute?” I say it as more of a question than a statement. Lincoln doesn’t like to take breaks. He wants me to master this magic before it is too late.
