Grumpy Fake Boyfriend

by Jackie Lau

  “Every woman I date. That’s what happens. They don’t say so at first, but later, I’m never enough.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Fine. I’m assuming. It’s a reasonable assumption based on my past experience.”

  “If you love her, you should give her a chance.”

  “I’m not going through that again,” I say, shaking my head. “I wouldn’t be able deal with it. Not from her. It’s stupid to make the same mistake over and over, and I’ve made this mistake enough times already.”

  Paulina looks down at Luis’s card and doesn’t say anything for a while.

  At last she looks up. “You seem to think someone needs to be similar to you for them to understand you and accept you for who you are. That’s not true, though. I mean, you like this woman how she is, right? Even if she’s nothing like you.”

  I nod.

  “So? Maybe she feels the same way.”

  I consider this.

  Last Sunday, the idea of going downstairs for breakfast, when I’d spent all of Saturday in the company of other people, made me almost physically ill. I told Naomi that I didn’t want to go. I was grumpy and ready to fight with her.

  To my surprise, she was fine with it. She brought me coffee and cereal, and she enjoyed thinking up excuses to give her friends.

  Even though it was such a simple thing, that was one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me.

  When we were playing wedding games and talking about rolling an egg through the groom’s pants, I pictured her wanting to do that at our wedding, and the thought freaked me out. But Naomi wouldn’t force me to play a stupid, embarrassing game in front of a hundred people if I didn’t want to. I know that.

  Sometimes she gets on my nerves, and we fight over silly things like whether she’s taking up more than half the bed, but she respects me. We understand each other.

  That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her. I just didn’t realize it until now.

  When she asked me to be with her at the end of last weekend, perhaps part of the reason I couldn’t imagine it working out was because I was caught up in my memories of Camp Rocky Cove, of feeling betrayed by my parents. I was acting based on my instincts of self-preservation.

  But with Naomi, my life would change for the better. I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut, and I could do with a little more socializing and excitement.

  However, she wouldn’t expect me to fundamentally change who I am. She wouldn’t expect me to do something that didn’t interest me at all.

  Unlike Carly, I know Naomi wouldn’t plan a surprise weekend in New York City with two other couples—and lots of karaoke—for my birthday and think that was the sort of thing I’d enjoy. I don’t fear a repeat of the Worst Birthday Ever with her, that’s for sure.

  “I’m an idiot,” I say to Paulina. “You’re right.”

  She beams. “Excellent. Let’s devise a plan for you to—”

  My phone rings. It’s Jeremy. I ignore it, but then it starts ringing again.

  “Sorry,” I say. “I’d better get this.”

  Jeremy wants me to buzz him in, so I do that before turning back to Paulina.

  “I have to go,” I tell her.

  “Okay. Good luck! Let me know if you need any more advice.”

  As soon as I end our conversation, the phone rings yet again.

  “Hi, Big Brother,” Sam says.

  Oh, Jesus. Why am I so popular right now? I have a girl to win back, and instead, people keep calling me.

  “What do you want?” I ask my sister, rather brusquely.

  “Tomorrow, are you free—”

  “No.”

  “Going to spend the day holed up in your room?”

  I don’t need this right now. “I have plans. I’ll call you later.” I hang up.

  I have less than a minute of peace to wonder why Jeremy has decided to show up at my condo before he knocks on the door. I swing it open.

  He swings back his fist.

  I duck and he misses.

  I’m impressed with my reflexes. That’s the first time anyone’s tried to punch me in decades.

  Unfortunately, it was one of my few friends.

  “Jeremy!” Lydia shrieks, grabbing him from behind. “Stop it. Let’s talk like reasonable adults.”

  “What did you do to my sister?” Jeremy demands.

  Lydia pushes him into my apartment and shuts the door behind them.

  “What did Naomi say?” I ask cautiously.

  “Not much.” He folds his arms over his chest. “That’s why I’m asking.”

  “I thought you’d make a great couple,” Lydia says. “I wanted to set you two up before, but Jeremy said you wouldn’t go for it. So when Naomi needed help, I insisted he ask you.”

  Wait.

  What?

  “You wanted to set us up?”

  Lydia nods vigorously.

  I can’t help but laugh, even though my gut is churning. I turn to Jeremy. “You know that Naomi asked you to find her a fake boyfriend because she wanted you to suggest me?”

  God, everyone had their own secret motivations. It’s like a soap opera.

  “I did not know that,” Jeremy says, still stony. “But I repeat. What did you do to my sister?”

  I take another step back from him, just in case.

  “Naomi admitted you slept together. I badgered it out of her.” Lydia takes a seat at the kitchen table. “What happened after that?”

  “I screwed up.”

  “Obviously,” Jeremy says. “Because Naomi was not herself at dim sum today.”

  My heart squeezes as I think of what I did to her. She offered me something wonderful, and I threw it away.

  “I like her a lot,” I say. “I just didn’t think anything could happen because...well...”

  “What is it?” Lydia asks.

  My God. It’s tough to talk about this stuff, and I’ve already gone through it with Paulina.

  I rub a hand over my face. “I couldn’t help thinking about my family and Carly. Naomi is so different from me, and I thought she’d want to change me, too. I assumed I wouldn’t be enough for her as I am.”

  Lydia starts to speak, but I hold up a hand so I can continue talking about my feelings.

  Probably the first time that’s happened.

  “But I was wrong. So can you two leave me alone so I can figure out how to fix everything?”

  My friend’s face finally gentles a little.

  Lydia squeals. “I told you, Jeremy. They’ll be great together.”

  He still looks wary, but he nods. “If you ever—”

  “I got this,” I say with more confidence than I feel.

  Chapter 24

  Will

  I’m standing in front of Naomi’s door, holding a box of gourmet donuts and a vase of flowers.

  The donuts are from a bakery near my condo. I’d never been before, but I knew the donuts had been featured on a bunch of food shows, so hopefully they’re good. I bought a dozen, not sure which kind Naomi would like the best. There were none with rainbow sprinkles.

  Soon, I hope to know all of her favorites. Her favorite donut, her favorite restaurant, her favorite movie. Her favorite sex position.

  The flowers are a mix of things I cannot name, and I bought a glass-blown vase to put them in. Lydia said the problem with receiving flowers is that you have to run around finding vases and old wine bottles to fill up with water, so I decided to make it simpler. The vase is mostly blue with small swatches of other colors—green and purple and pink. I think it’s beautiful.

  Lydia and Jeremy refused to leave me alone this afternoon. Lydia in particular became obsessed with helping me figure out how to get Naomi back. Paulina also called and offered her advice.

  In the end, everyone was pissing me off, and I had to hang up the phone and kindly—or perhaps not so kindly—ask them to leave.

  After all that fuss, I didn’t get to Naomi’s until nine o
’clock. It’s now five minutes after, and I still haven’t knocked on the door.

  She lives in a high-rise. I didn’t need to ask her to buzz me up because a kind old woman held the door open for me and, nodding at the flowers in my hand, said, “She’s a lucky lady.”

  Well, I hope that lucky lady doesn’t slam the door in my face.

  I can hear voices inside Naomi’s apartment. She’s watching a movie, I think. I’m about to finally knock on the door when I hear another voice that I’m pretty sure is not part of the movie. Then the movie is paused, and there’s a whole bunch of talking.

  Dammit. She has people over.

  I should have known. It’s Saturday night.

  Still, I’m going to do this. I want her, and I’m not going to wait a minute longer.

  I knock.

  A moment later, she opens the door, and my heart rate kicks up. There’s laughter behind her, but it dies down when I step inside. I count six women sitting on the couch and the floor in front of the TV. Ridhi and Julia are not among them.

  I’ve interrupted girls’ night in. Well, that’s lovely.

  But Naomi truly is lovely. She’s wearing pajama pants and a T-shirt that says “Bite Me.”

  Like I said. Lovely.

  Her hair is loose, and I long to run my fingers through it. Long to tip her face up toward mine and kiss her. But first I should talk.

  I have lots of things to say. However, I didn’t plan on saying them in front of six strangers, and this situation is awkward enough without an audience.

  Naomi looks at me questioningly.

  I swallow. I will do this for her. Only her.

  She is the only woman I want, and she is worth it.

  “I fucked up,” I say, looking into her eyes. I block out the women sitting by the TV and pretend it’s just the two of us. “I turned you down because I stupidly assumed you would try to change me into someone I’m not. Like my ex did. Like my family did. But now I know you would never do that. You had no problem with me eating breakfast alone in my room without your friends and PDA-obsessed ex-boyfriend, and that was such a kind thing, you have no idea.”

  I take a deep breath before continuing.

  “At the same time, last weekend showed me how narrow my life has become. I could do with a little more adventure, and I want it with you. I’m a better person with you, but when it comes down to it, I’m still myself, no one else, when we’re together.” I pause. “I’m far from the most charming man, but you like me for who I am.”

  She’s the one who’s silent, and I’m the one doing all the talking. But she hasn’t kicked me out. She’s listening.

  I put the donuts on the table by the door. “If you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend again, maybe with friends who own a cottage in Muskoka, I would do it. I would be thrilled to spend another weekend with you, even if you insisted we stop at Tim Hortons every hour on the drive up. But I would prefer not to do that. Because...” I drop to one knee ungracefully, the flowers in my hand. “I’d want to go as your real boyfriend. No more pretending. So, will you give me another chance, Naomi?”

  I focus only on her. She’s worrying her bottom lip.

  And then she sinks to her knees, cups my cheeks in her hands, and kisses me.

  “Yes,” she says, “I will.”

  Someone whistles in the background. I am dimly aware that several people are watching me kiss Naomi, but I don’t care. She wants me, and it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

  She pulls back a little and whispers, “I can’t kick everyone out now, but I’ll make sure they leave soon after the movie is over, okay?” She stands up, extends her hand, and pulls me to my feet. Then she notices the box I set down. “Oh my God. I’ve wanted to try these forever.” She opens the lid. “Hey, everyone. Will brought donuts!”

  The group of women, wine glasses in hand, descend on the box of donuts.

  Naomi introduces me to her friends before leading me to the couch. She sits between my legs and starts the movie again. I can’t pay attention to it, not when I’m touching her. I massage her shoulders, I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her neck, and I pretend to bite her.

  It is, after all, a zombie movie, and she’s wearing a shirt that says “Bite Me.”

  Totally not how I envisioned the evening going, but I’m with Naomi and all is well.

  * * *

  It’s midnight, and Naomi is naked and half-lying on top of me. After her friends left, we practically devoured each other. Just like she devoured the lemon cream donut.

  She runs her fingers through my hair. “After Jordan...”

  I don’t want to hear about that asshole now, but I let her continue.

  “I lost interest in relationships,” she says. “It felt like I was being left behind while everyone else was moving on with their lives. I saw so many wedding and baby pictures—”

  “Most people just post the best parts of their lives on social media. Lots of them are probably miserable under the surface.”

  “You’re a bottle of sunshine.”

  “I know.”

  “But there’s no denying that lots of people I know are getting married. I’ve already been to three weddings this year, and I have several more to go.”

  My God. That’s a lot. I’ve never gone to more than two weddings in a year, but unlike me, Naomi has more than three friends.

  “I didn’t realize until last weekend,” she says, “that I imagined future boyfriends being similar to Jordan, and he’s a douchebag. He didn’t fully respect me as a person with my own identity separate from him. Relationships don’t have to be that way, though, and I’m glad I told him off. A good relationship doesn’t mean you always agree.”

  “That’s what you were like with Jordan?” I frown. “Doesn’t sound like you.”

  “Exactly. I let myself be changed in ways that weren’t good. I let that relationship—and some of the ones before it—swallow me up. But it’s different with you, and that’s a good thing. You made me change my mind about relationships. I want one now...as long as it’s with you. Though I wish it hadn’t taken you five days to figure it out.”

  Yeah, me too. “I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you.”

  “I know how you can start.”

  “What is it?” I sit up. I will do whatever she asks.

  “Get me another donut.”

  I laugh as I jump out of bed to do her bidding.

  I return with what I believe is a cherry custard donut. Naomi takes a big bite, and custard squirts out of the donut and onto the plate. Some falls on her bare chest.

  She shrieks with laughter. “Remind me to never eat one of these in your car. But man, is it ever delicious.”

  “Mm.” I lick some custard off her breast and swirl my tongue over her nipple. “It certainly is.”

  She sets the donut aside, and we kiss each other lazily, the taste of her mingling with custard and powdered sugar and cherry jelly.

  “Anything else I can do for you?” I ask.

  “Hmm. Perhaps you could kiss me a little lower?”

  I kiss her temple and inhale the rosemary mint scent of her shampoo before slipping my finger between her legs. I press inside at the same time as I run my tongue over her clit. She arches against me. I move in and out of her slick channel, and when I suck on her nub, she comes apart, trembling in my arms and crying out.

  “I love you,” I murmur, coming up to kiss her lips.

  “You don’t need to say that yet,” she says between breaths. “It’s okay.”

  “But I do love you.”

  She regards me for a moment before saying, “I believe you. I can’t imagine you’d get down on one knee for a woman in front of a crowd of half-drunk strangers unless you loved her.”

  This is true.

  Just having her in my arms is such a pleasure. I will get to do this again and again—I am so damn lucky.

  “What made you realize I didn’t want to change you?” she asks.

/>   “I remembered last Sunday’s breakfast, and I realized you don’t need to be just like me to understand me. I failed to grasp that until I talked to Paulina.”

  “You talked to Paulina Fuentes about me?”

  “Is that okay? I needed to talk to someone, but—”

  “Oh my God! I can’t believe she knows about me. Can you get a signed copy of one of her books? Please?”

  “Of course.”

  Naomi snuggles closer and clasps my hand in hers. “Don’t worry. I get that you’re an introvert. I get that you’re a very different person from me, and I like that. Although we’re opposites in many ways, we don’t need to reinvent ourselves to be together. We already fit together perfectly.”

  “We do.” I pause. “With you, I have what I always wanted. Someone who accepts me for who I am, despite our differences. I have that with my friends, I suppose. But never before with a girlfriend, and certainly not with my family. When I went to the Pinery, it reminded me of the time my parents sent me to overnight camp despite my protests.”

  “I always wanted to go, but we couldn’t afford it. I’m not surprised you didn’t like it, though. Doesn’t sound like your kind of thing.”

  “I’m sure some introverted kids enjoy it, but it was pretty awful for me. The second year, I was bullied, and in addition to the usual things, they put all my books in a canoe and tipped it over in the middle of the lake.”

  “Will! That’s terrible!”

  “Books were the only thing keeping me sane at camp. My parents thought the whole thing was funny and refused to pick me up, so I ran away. For the longest time, I hated being in the wilderness because it reminded me of Camp Rocky Cove.”

  “But that changed, didn’t it?”

  I nod. “And I think I have the perfect idea for the next long weekend.” I lean over the side of the bed and pull a piece of paper out of my pants pocket. I hand it to her. “This is a picture of the cabin I booked for the first weekend in August. Just you and me...and a whole lot of condoms. Maybe we’ll even take an hour or two to see the scenery. No ex-boyfriends or crowds of friends this time.”