Tears of the Broken (Dark Secrets)

by A. M. Hudson

  “Yes.”

  “Well…” I looked over my shoulder to the boy sitting in the warmth of the sun by the lake. “What does he want?”

  “He wants you to kill.”

  “Kill?” My voice echoed back at me; I spun around a few times. “Why would I kill?”

  “For love.”

  “No.” I shook my head and wrapped my arms around my ribs. “David would never ask that of me.”

  The strange voice responded with only a menacing laugh.

  I shook my head again and slowly backed away from the edge of the darkness. “No. I would never kill. Not even for love.”

  “Then you will never…”

  A shrill screeching jolted my mind from fatigue. I sat bolt upright with shaky breath and the pattering thud in my chest making me dizzy, then jumped out of bed and grabbed my phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey kid, did I wake you?”

  “Mike? Um—I uh, no, I was just daydreaming. What’re you doing up?” I looked at my clock. “Isn’t it like, before six in the morning over there?”

  “Yeah, I was in bed, but, then I was just layin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout ya.” I could hear the grin behind his tone.

  “Me? Why?” I sat at my desk.

  “Well, my interview’s booked, now—for next Monday. Thought I might as well start planning my trip.”

  “When do you think you’ll be coming?”

  He took a long, deep breath. “I was thinking I should fly out that night?”

  “Really?” My voice rose with elation. “That’s fine with me. I’d be happy if you came now.” I flipped open my computer, clicked on my desktop calendar and then iTunes.

  “You miss me that much, huh?” He sounded surprised.

  “Mike, I’ve never, ever had to live without you before. You’re like my security blanket. I miss hanging out, you know—just being—normal.” I sighed under a smile.

  “Great. I’m a blanky.” He laughed. “What about David? Is he still in the picture?” His light tone concealed a spearhead—something only I would notice.

  “Argh.” The hard breath of my frustration made a static sound through the phone. “I just. Don’t. Know, Mike. You know, he told me he loves me?” I whined, “But—”

  “After a week?” Mike’s voice cracked.

  “Yes. Well, it’s not a week for him, remember? He’s had around a month to think about it. But, you know, it’s funny ‘cause I kinda fell in love with him, too, like, the day I saw him…” It’s hard to admit that—especially to Mike. I don’t think he can comprehend love and I never want to hear the word infatuation.

  “So what’s the problem, then? Are you being a commitment-phobe again?” He sighed, sounding bored.

  Ouch. “No, it’s the opposite, actually. He hasn’t kissed me yet?”

  Mike laughed. I could almost see him tilting his head forward and scratching his brow. “How long have you been official?”

  “Well, how long were you and Bec official before you guys did more than just kiss?” I retorted.

  “That’s different, young lady. I’m an adult and you are a kid. Did you ever think that that might be his problem? You being under eighteen?” Mike concluded. “How old is this guy, anyway?”

  “He’s a little older.” I brushed over that one. Mike won’t like it if he knows the truth. “And yes, I did consider the fact that we’re not technically adults.” Well I’m not, but David is. “But we are at the legal age of consent here, and he’s a hot-blooded male—and there have been opportunities. I just don’t get it. A kiss can’t hurt, right?”

  “Unless you’re a hot-blooded male, Ara.” He laughed, then took a breath. “A kiss can make you want a lot more, and maybe he just has,” Mike paused for a second, “self-knowledge? He might think he won’t wanna stop if you were to ask him to go further. And maybe he’s afraid if he did have the willpower to stop, it might hurt your feelings.” His voice dropped on the end.

  “Well, he is smart. That could have something to do with it. But it makes me feel—” I know the word, but don’t want to admit it.

  “Undesirable?” Mike said it for me. He’s good at that.

  “Yes?” I muttered.

  He laughed—a loud, full chuckle.

  My stomach tightened and my teeth clenched. “Mike. Stop it. Don’t laugh at me, you know I hate that!”

  He stopped instantly. “I’m sorry, Ara, it’s just that…I’ve always thought you were cute. I’m not stupid, I have eyes, and I promise, you are not undesirable.”

  “Mike, you can’t say that. You’re my friend.”

  “Yes, I’m your friend, which means I can say that.”

  I typed ‘pick up Mike’ on Tuesday morning in my desktop calendar then went back to iTunes.

  “What’re you doing?” Mike asked, sensing my absence, I guess.

  “I’m downloading a song.” I clicked on search.

  “A legal download, I hope,” he muttered in his stern, ‘cop’ voice.

  “Yes,” I hissed, rolling my eyes.

  “What song?”

  “It’s by this band called Live. You know them, right?”

  “Yeah,” Mike scoffed. “Why would you be listening to them, though? It’s a little old for you, isn’t it?”

  “Mike, I’m three years your junior. If it’s old for me, it’s old for you.”

  Overcome started downloading so I looked up the song David said reminds him of me—the one by Ponder. I just have to hear it again. My playlist of David is getting very long.

  “So, what song then?” Mike asked after a moment.

  “Oh, um, Overcome?”

  “Where’d you hear that one?”

  “David likes it. He played it today on his iPod. Why?”

  “You know me, baby—I judge how you’re feeling by your playlist. Don’t you think that song’s a little…?” He didn’t finish.

  “What, depressing?”

  “Maybe,” he said reluctantly.

  “Mike. Are you worried that I’m—”

  “No. Ara. Please don’t think that. I just—you normally listen to such happy music. I just thought—”

  “Really, I’m fine.” Just tired of people thinking I’m depressed. “I know Vicki and Dad think I’m suicidal and to be honest, if you all don’t leave me alone, I might have to do something rash just to get you off my back. So, shut it! Okay? I’m fine.”

  The line went dead silent. He should be used to my outbursts by now, but I guess, with all the miles between us it’s harder to just brush it off like normal. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “Good. ‘Cause I’m okay. I have David. My life is about him now. I’m not going to kill myself. Look—” I breathed out and softened my tone, “I love you, Mike. I know you’re just worried. But it’s really an insult to my character that everyone keeps watching me all the time for the wrong move. I live with a former psychiatrist, for God’s sake. I’ll go crazy soon.” I took a breath and the smell of Vicki’s cooking filled my nostrils. “I need to feel free to make mistakes or listen to depressing music, and I need you to be with me on that.” That was supposed to be an attempt at reason, but unfortunately for Mike, he just became victim to two months’ worth of saved-up ranting.

  Hm, normally he would’ve said something back—a smart remark, raised his voice in defence, but…he said nothing. “Mike?” His quiet breath gave away his presence. “Mike?”

  “You’re not a little girl anymore, Ara,” Mike concluded softly. “What’s happened these last few months has…well, it’s changed you. A lot. You’ve really had to grow up and…I’m sorry for that.” I rested my hand over my belly button to quiet the flutters his words formed there. “But I’m also really proud of you. I just need to see you again—make sure you’re still my girl.”

  “I’ll always be your girl, Mike. You’re my best friend.”

  “But you have David now—you won’t be needing me for much longer,” he stated in a dull tone.

  “Don’t say things like t
hat, Mike.”

  “Why? You know it’s true, but it’s okay. It’ll just be an adjustment, that’s all—not having you all to myself whenever I wanna talk to you.”

  “It was the same for me when you were dating Lyndall. It’s just the way things are. But I’m sure we’ll always be friends.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure we will.” After a second, he laughed softly as he spoke, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you. I can’t wait to pick you up and squeeze you until you can’t breathe.”

  “Ha! No way. I’ll totally squeeze you harder.”

  “Sure, those skinny spider arms’ll do so much damage.”

  “Shut up, Hercules!” I chuckled the words out.

  “Miss you.” Mike sighed, his laughter ceasing.

  “I know you do.”

  The bright morning greeted me with a light, airy feeling, and the awakening floral scent of frangipanis sent shivers of normality through my chest. I must remember to sneak into Mr. Herman’s garden and pick a few before he wakes up tomorrow morning. Of course, that would mean getting out of bed on time. If I hadn’t stayed up so late last night like a pathetic schoolgirl with a crush, I mightn’t have slept through my alarm. Hm, hang on; I am a pathetic schoolgirl with a crush. I shrugged and closed the front door behind me—a little quieter than usual. I don’t want Vicki to know how late I am.

  The last of the minivan parade sped past my dad’s house as I reached the edge of the driveway, and the glowing heat of the sun warmed my skin while the sight of David warmed my whole day.

  Completely distracted, as usual, he didn’t even see me walk out. Perhaps he can’t get the scent of Mr. Herman’s garden out of his mind long enough to look at anything else. Well, that might be my first thought if he didn’t look so…worried. No one else would notice. He’s like me—good at painting on a fake smile—but it’s in his eyes I see the truth.

  Maybe I can kidnap him today—force him to talk to me about his problems. Pah, yeah right. He hasn’t even told me his middle name. I doubt he’ll tell me why he’s so vacant all the time.

  As I cleared the windbreak of the porch, the morning breeze blew in from the east, sweeping the dewy scent of roses in on its back. My hair circled my face and tickled the bare skin around the straps of my red sundress. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the tingly sensation.

  “Ara! Look out!”

  My eyes shot open and the windshear of a speeding car nearly sucked me onto the road, but a hand gripped my arm and yanked me from the edge of the curb. “Jeeze, Ara?” Sam dropped my arm. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  I looked away from Sam, across the road, to David. We stared at each other for a wordless second—which felt like minutes. I swallowed hard and blinked. One more step and I would’ve been under that car. “Whoa, I—” My gaze fell on Sam’s furiously red face. “Sorry, Sam. That car wasn’t there when I started crossing.”

  “I know.” He watched the beaten-up old bomb scream around the corner—smoke billowing out from its exhaust. “He came out of nowhere.”

  “Sam.” A smile spread over my shock. “You just saved my life.”

  “David. How come you didn’t see that?” Sam looked over my shoulder just as warm hands clasped my waist; David spun me into him, ignoring Sam. “Man, you were looking right at her.”

  “Are you okay?” David asked in a soft whisper, cupping my cheek in his hand, lowering his face to mine.

  “Mm-hm.” I nodded.

  “I—” He shook his head and looked at Sam, cradling my cheek against the indent at the centre of his chest. “I was looking this way, but I was…I just didn’t see it.”

  I touched my collarbone; it feels like my heart’s trying to break through the skin. David placed his hand over mine.

  “Well, I gotta get to school,” Sam said, nodding toward the oval as the last bell rang. “You need me to hold your hand across the road before I go?”

  “Funny.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Take care, Ara. Okay?” Sam started walking, backward. “Dad only just got you back. It’ll kill him if you…do something stupid.”

  My mouth fell open. What exactly is he implying?

  Sam started across the road and it clicked: he thinks I did that deliberately. Great. One more cog in the wheel. If he tells Vicki, she’ll hospitalise me for sure. “It was an accident,” I called out, standing on my toes to make my voice seem bigger.

  He shrugged and kept walking.

  “I’m sorry, Ara.” David’s eyes, still lost along the outline of my face, narrowed when I looked back at him. “I—I really…” his brow tightened, “should have seen that.”

  “It’s not your fault, David. I was totally in my own world.” I laughed, but David just shook his head.

  “Your heart. It’s beating so fast.” He wrapped one arm, then the other around my shoulders and squeezed me tight enough to trap my hands against my chest.

  “It’s because you’re doing that.” I breathed into the small hollow between his collarbones and drew back his intense orange-chocolate scent.

  By the time Sam made it to the school steps, my heart had slowed. David took a long breath and squeezed me a little tighter before stepping back.

  “David?” I said. His eyelids lifted from being closed—tightly, and he looked down at his feet. “What is it? Is something wrong?”

  “I—” his chest heaved—almost unnoticeably—as if he were regurgitating the words or choking on them.

  Oh God, there is something wrong. My heart picked up again and everything around me disappeared to insignificance. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, but just stood—motionless, wordless and unresponsive. I reached out to him. My fingers barely touched his arm when he whipped his hand away—fast, like a reflex action. “David?” I dropped my hands to my sides and my mouth gaped. Now I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I have too much static in my skin, I don’t know, but no one’s ever pulled away from me like that before. “I…David what’s going on!”

  “Nothing, just—” He took a step away, then stopped. “Nothing.”

  Tiny bubbles of despair flitted around my stomach. I feel like everyone on the school oval is watching us—but the oval is empty—we’re late, and I don’t care. “Does this have something to do with the reason you don’t want to kiss me?”

  “What? Is that what you think? That I don’t want to kiss you?” He shook his head and started walking away. “Honestly, Ara, I don’t know where you come up with these things.”

  “Well, then, tell me? What’s wrong? What am I supposed to think when you act like this? When you tear away from me like that, for no reason?” I stepped out onto the road, pointing back to the spot where we’d just been standing. David stopped, but didn’t turn around. “But there is a reason, isn’t there?”

  His shoulders stiffened and he took off again—hurriedly.

  “David,” I yelled. “Just tell me what it is. Maybe I can help. I mean, I could at least try to understand,” I continued. “Don’t you think I deserve a chance?”

  He stopped on the verge; I didn’t advance on him—my feet stayed firmly planted in the middle of the empty road.

  “David. I’m not a child. I can handle it. Whatever it is.”

  Slowly, he turned and looked at me. His eyes shimmered so green in the morning light, so liquid with troubles that I looked away. This is bad news. I can feel it. Maybe I don’t want him to tell me—maybe ignorance would be better.

  As I looked up from my feet, David’s hands grasped my arms; he towered over me, his round, sharply-focused eyes locked to mine. “No. Ara. You can’t handle it. That’s why I wasn’t going to tell you.”

  “T…” I stammered, feeling small and fragile in his giant grasp, “Tell me what?”

  “I’m leaving.”

  My stomach sunk into my hips. Leaving? “But—”

  “I know I said I was never going to leave.” He dropped my arms and closed his eyes, cursing silently under his breath. “But that
was stupid. It was never my promise to make.”

  Air refused to oxygenate my stiff lungs. “Well, how…how long are you going for?” I closed my eyes, knowing the answer.

  “Ara.” He tilted my chin upward with the tip of his finger. “When I leave, I won’t be coming back.”

  It went dark behind my eyelids. I bit my quivering lip between my teeth. Not the tears. Please not the tears. “Why? Was it me? Did I do something wrong?”

  “No.” David wrapped his fingers around my arms and dropped his chin to his chest for a second. When he looked up, right into my eyes, he stole my breath with the sadness behind his emerald gaze. “You mustn’t think like that. This was all my fault. I should never have let you fall in love with me. It was wrong,” his voice choked.

  “Why would you say that?” I stepped back from him. “Let me fall in love with you? Do you think you can control this?”

  “No, I—”

  “Don’t touch me.” I jerked away when he reached for me.

  “Ara, please. Just listen. I need you to understand. This…leaving was never optional for me. I’ve done you wrong by leading you on—”

  “Leading me on?” My arms dropped and I leaned forward slightly, unable to believe my ears. “That’s—David, that’s a horrible thing to say.”

  “I know.” He took one step closer, slowly. “I know. I don’t mean it that way. It’s just that…I always knew I had to leave. I always knew this would have to end, but—”

  “So you lied to me—about never leaving?”

  He looked away.

  “Why?”

  He shook his head, his words struggling behind his parted lips.

  “Please, David. Don’t you understand? I’m happy with you here—for the first time in so long, I can see the sun, I can smell the rain and not want to die—not want to be with them. If you go—” Tears burned my eyes again, but I steadied my voice with a deep breath. “If you go, you take all of that with you. I don’t understand? Why do you have to leave?”

  Without a word of response, he closed the gap between us and wrapped his body around me, pinning my face to the cool silk shirt over his firm chest, and though the warmth of his hands invited my soul to feel love, his heart betrayed the anguish in his eyes—seeming completely still, as if it weren’t even beating.