Tears of the Broken (Dark Secrets)

by A. M. Hudson

  “No matter what, huh?” He shook his head, a sideways smile lighting the sarcasm in his eyes. “So, what you’re saying is…you accept me for who I am, not what I am, and you want me to give up everything to be with you—then, in time, give you up—go for eternity without you.”

  “Yes,” I muttered solemnly. “I want you, but I want human you.”

  He stared up at the sky, with his elbow rested on his knee and his fingers tangled in the hair above his brow. The sunlight emphasised the shadows of his temples, making them seem deep—showing contours of his face I’d never noticed before. “David? What is it, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m not human, Ara,” he said, poorly disguising the ache in his voice.

  “I know.”

  “I never will be human. I’m a vampire. I kill people—” he became slightly louder. “You have to accept that, not just look the other way.”

  “But why? You can pretend to be human—to be with me. If you love me enough.”

  “You haven’t really thought this through, have you, Ara?” David moistened his lips, then pressed them together, looking away. “I’m not able to pretend all the time. It’s hard to be human, and one day, I would slip up, do something I shouldn’t—and scare you.”

  “So, is it hard to be around me?” I snapped. “Do you have to pretend to be David—is any of what I fell in love with real?”

  “Of course it is, Ara. I’m still the same guy—” he ran his hands through his hair, “but you don’t know the other side of me—David, the vampire, and I want you to know that part. I want to share all of myself with you. That should be okay—with the one I love.”

  “What exactly is the other side of you?” I studied his distant and pained stare until a cheeky grin replaced it.

  “Come hunting with me and I’ll show you.”

  “David!” I said with detest. “What a horrid thing to say.”

  “You see?” He smiled conceitedly. “You can’t accept me, at all, Ara—you’re just hiding from the truth. I will never be able to share my true self with you because you’re too sweet, too fragile, and I never. Want you. To be afraid of me again.” He closed his eyes in emphasis of each word.

  “Why? What’s the big deal about me being scared of you? I’m not now, so—”

  “Because I felt dead inside,” he snapped. “I couldn’t touch you. I couldn’t be the one to comfort you. I—I felt so helpless, like you were screaming for me—standing behind a glass partition, and I couldn’t reach you.”

  “Really?”

  “Do you know what it feels like when you can’t touch someone—to be the one who placed fear in their eyes, and be powerless to take it away? I was terrified I’d lost you—” his voice dropped, “and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing to make it all okay.”

  “You didn’t look scared—you looked sca-ry. Especially when you did that floating up to stand thing.”

  He laughed softly. “Sorry, some habits are hard to break. But believe me, Ara, you scared me—a hell of a lot more than I scared you.”

  “So, you weren’t floating to try to scare me?”

  “God, no. I didn’t mean to do that, but…” He scratched his temple with his index finger in what looked like a practiced human move. “In emotional situations, it becomes harder to keep up the human facade.”

  “Is that why you always run away when we fight or when I—” I cleared my throat, “you know, the thing in the corridor at school?”

  A gust of laughter exploded from David’s lips and he leaned back on his hands. “Yes. Exactly.”

  “So, what were you about to do that day, then? Float away or something?”

  “No.” He looked up from the ground and smiled. “I was about to lift you in my arms and run, vampire-speed, to the closet-room under the auditorium stage.”

  “You would not,” I said, my tone ringing in question.

  “Ara—” he raised one brow, “I’m a guy. Not a saint.”

  “Well, what…” I crossed my legs under me and asked nervously, “What would you have done with me in there?”

  He left the long silence hanging, smiling down at the grass. “I would’ve demonstrated my affections for you.”

  “And…” I played with the hem of my dress, “how exactly would you have done that?”

  David cleared his throat and sat back up from his lean, dusting the grass and soil off his hands. “This is getting off subject.”

  “Right.” I bit my lip. “Of course. So, I was saying I want you to stay with me.”

  “Right, and I was saying that pretending to be human around you is not possible long term. Either you become a vampire or I have to leave you behind at the end of the summer.”

  I dusted my own hands off as I sat up properly. “Technically, you did say you’d be staying until winter.”

  David shook his head. “The time may come before that. I said you could count on me being gone by winter—not that I’d stay until then.”

  “So, that’s it—no negotiation? Your way or the highway?” I scoffed.

  “It’s not my way, girl. Do you think I want this?” He pointed to his chest. “God, if I could stay with you I damn well wouldn’t even think twice about it. But it’s not up to me.”

  “Well, who decides, can’t we reason with them?”

  “No. Discussion closed.”

  “Why?”

  “Ara, humour me, please—just stop pushing.”

  “No, why can’t we reason with them?”

  “Because they do not negotiate the laws. Vampire’s stick to their Sets—no matter what.”

  “Sets?”

  “It’s what we call the communities we belong to—clubs, sort of.”

  “Vampire clubs?” My brow arched.

  “I said sort of like clubs. They’re there to protect vampires from your society.”

  “So, we’re the dangerous ones, now?”

  “Yes. Do you know what could happen if vampires were discovered? It could start a war.”

  “Would that not be a good thing? You guys would win—then you could live in peace.”

  “That’s not the point, Ara. And we would never be in peace. Fear can turn good people into an angry mob. And then…what if we lost? We’d end up locked away or in a science lab being tested on so humans could wield or recreate our powers.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yes, oh.” He smiled. “Without a Set you are exposed, out in the open—no one to help cover up a bad kill, no one to assist with identity change. I know better than anyone that vampires must be kept under a tight rein—if not, they can become unruly. The law applies to all. Not just those who feel special because they’re in love.”

  “But, it would only be for eighty years—then you could go back.”

  “It doesn’t work like that. Once I leave—I’m out. That’s it.”

  “Would that matter? You’d have me.”

  “Don’t you think that’s a little selfish, Ara, really?” He shook his head. “I’ve worked hard—spent decades doing unspeakable things to obtain my position on the council. I would lose all of that to have eighty measly years with you—pretending the whole time to be human, watching you age just a little bit more each day, until every ounce of life withers away from your soul and I lose you for good.” He stopped and watched the lake for a second. “They’ll never take me back, sweetheart. You’ll be gone, the Set will be gone, and I’ll be left with nothing.”

  “Well, can’t I just come with you—but stay human?” I asked carefully.

  He shook his head softly. “No. It’s too dangerous for a human to live among vampires. Someone would hurt you.”

  “I’ll risk it.”

  “No.” He shook his head again. “Look, I have no choice but to migrate for the winter, Ara. I want to take you with me, but you have to become a vampire—it’s the law.”

  I nodded, swallowing back the golf ball in my throat. Me, a vampire? The idea makes me feel weak. “Don’t you love me enough to give up your
position—even if it is only for eighty years? I mean, I’d do it for you.”

  David stared at me for a moment, his jaw stiff and his upper lip turned. “You would, would you? Like you’d kill—to be with me?” He sighed heavily and ran both hands through his hair. “I explained this to you, Ara. Staying with the Set has nothing to do with how much I love you.”

  “I’m sorry. Guess I just believed love would conquer all.” I looked down at my hands.

  “No, you thought you’d get your own way.”

  My mouth dropped, but my retort was subdued with realisation. He’s right. I am being a little spoilt. I’ve heard what he’s said to me, but I’m not really listening, because he’s not giving me the answers I want.

  “So, it’s a Mexican stand-off, then.” David snickered. “You want me to leave my Set, but you won’t even consider becoming a vampire—to be with me.”

  “I just can’t, David.”

  “Isn’t being together all that should matter? Blood and death aside—love is all that should matter.”

  “In theory.” I shrugged one shoulder. “But then, the same could be said about you—and your rules and your Set.”

  “Would you really ask me to give it up for you, Ara?” One of his eyes narrowed. “Eternity is a very long time, and the Set will never take me back. I’ll be dead to them—if I’m lucky enough to escape prison.”

  “Prison?”

  David nodded. “They never approve centenary-leave for council members. I would have to run away.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.” I folded my lips in. “But it doesn’t change things.” He has his restrictions, and I have my soul—I’d have to risk that to follow my heart, while all he risks is imprisonment. And what kind of life is that for me—tied down by rules and restrictions? Am I willing to pay that price, too—to give up my freedom or to kill a man, just to love David forever? I don’t know if love is that strong.

  David moved closer and pulled both of my hands toward his chest, then held them there firmly. “Tell me something, my love.”

  “Anything,” I whispered, feeling my heart cry with the gravity of the shadows in his tone.

  “If I were to leave today and promise never to come back—and you knew you would die an old, grey woman—that you would meet your mum and Harry at the gates of heaven—” he breathed out heavily through his nose, then looked into my eyes, “But you would’ve missed an eternity with me—is that something you could live with?” His hand tightened on mine. “Could you watch me leave, knowing you’ll never see me again?”

  The thought filled my mind like a roll of film from a sad movie or a Kleenex commercial: David, walking away—saying goodbye to him for the last time, for forever. He’d drive down the long, winding road, and when he disappeared over the distant horizon, I’d turn around and walk away. My life would go on in the exact direction I planned for. I’d marry, have babies and grandbabies, and a happy, full life—but a life without David.

  My heart moved over to the centre of my chest and grew bigger, squeezing through my lungs and my ribs—burning the blood in my arms and face. It hurts. It hurts without David. He makes it all okay. I love him so, so much. But it doesn’t change my desire to live, to die—to see Mum and Harry again on whatever the other side is.

  “Ara?” He slid his fingers along my chin, and turned my face toward his. “You’ve got to stop making your life about Harry and Eleanor’s deaths.”

  My heart jumped with the mention of my mother’s name. It’s been a long time since anyone’s said that name. A tear fell onto my cheek where the cool air around the lake took the warmth from the liquid and left a cold line down my face.

  David wiped it with his thumb. “Sweetheart, you don’t have to live in my world, but if you decide to stay human—you do have to live. I care so much for you. But this sadness you keep inside will stop you from finding happiness,” he said softly. “Your every thought, every path you take is influenced by their death. It has to stop.”

  “But you make it all okay. I can’t live without you, David, I’ve already decided that.” David’s lips and chin doubled under my tear-shrouded vision. I blinked once and the tears spilled out over my lashes. “But, living with your lifestyle, that’s a different matter. How do I do that?”

  “I’m not asking you to kill anyone, today. But if you want the end of the summer with me, then you have to accept that I do. You can’t just look the other way—pretend it’s not real.” His other hand rested on my cheek and he lifted my face with both hands. “And if, at the end of the summer, you decide to stay human, you have to accept that we can only ever love each other from afar. Do you understand this?”

  With those words, my lip quivered and the reality of losing David suddenly became so potent.

  He softened away from the harsh, factual person he’d become, and touched the back of his finger to my trembling lip. “On the other hand, sweetheart, if you choose to come with me,” he spoke delicately, “we can take our time—plan for it—get you used to the idea of killing.” He tucked my face into his chest and his voice came through in a deep purr. “I won’t rush you.”

  “Who would I kill?” I asked, sitting up from him, wiping my face.

  “Who?”

  “Yeah, I mean, is it random, or do you choose them?”

  “Well.” He grinned and picked an ant off the rug, then tossed it onto the grass. “I usually avoid eating comedians as much as possible.”

  “Why?” I asked slowly.

  “Because they taste funny.” His brows rose.

  I imagined a tumbleweed rolling past as I listened for crickets. “That wasn’t funny.”

  David shook his head and smiled. “Okay? Sorry.” He painted his serious face on again. “Personally, I hunt at night—keep to the shadows—places where good people don’t go. Then, I stalk them, see if they’re worthy of existing, if not—” he shrugged to finish.

  “But you enjoy it? The…kill?”

  “Yes.”

  My body shuddered involuntarily. “But you feel for them after?”

  “Now, I do. I never used to feel remorse, though.”

  “So, you weren’t lying when you said that yesterday—about the guilt?”

  David shook his head.

  Hm, I spent the last few months of my life truly believing I was responsible for what happened to Mum and Harry. I can’t imagine if I had to feel that for so many more, and worse, if it were purely for the sake of my own nourishment. It would eat me up inside. It must eat David up. “What changed? Why do you care now?” I asked.

  “Because of you.” He smiled sweetly.

  “Me? Why?”

  “You unlocked the human inside me. Vampires are nothing if not compassionate, but when we fall in love with a human, that compassion extends out to their species as well.”

  “So, you feel sorry for your food, now?”

  “Something like that.”

  “How often do you eat?”

  “Every couple of days. I can go for as long as five days, but it gets very…uncomfortable.” He adjusted his position.

  That’s not so bad. At least it’s not three-square meals a day.

  David chuckled lightly.

  “Are you hungry now?” I asked.

  “No. I would never be that irresponsible again. To be here alone with you would be dangerous if I were deprived.”

  Dangerous? I guess that never really occurred to me. Though the thought crossed my mind that he could be a threat, it never really sunk in—he could actually kill me. “But you said…just before, in my backyard, that I never have to be afraid of you.”

  “Only because I will never again take risks with you.”

  “So, have you ever wanted to…feed from me?”

  “Yes.”

  My breath caught in my throat. I don’t know what I expected, really. He is a vampire.

  An uneasy silence hovered around us. David’s lip twitched and one eye narrowed ever so slightly, making my heart wa
rm as I read the uncertainty behind his gaze. Then, I burst out laughing. “You should see the look on your face.” I slapped my knee and pointed at him. “You’re not sure if you should’ve said that, are you?”

  The sweet, familiar smile tugged at the corner of David’s lips for a second, then, it broke into a broad, honest grin as he laughed along with me.

  “So, what is normal, now?” I wiped the tears of hilarity from my eyes, still smiling. “I mean, what can I expect now the secret’s out?”

  “Things,” he started slowly, seeming stuck for words, “will not be so different. Just—that now I can jump through your window when you’re awake.” He grinned, making my cheeks flush with heat. “And I might show you a few cool tricks—things I wouldn’t do around other humans.”

  “I’d like that.” I shuffled a little closer to him and touched my fingers gently over the skin on his arm—sliding them slowly down the satiny smoothness. He is real. He is David, and I love him.

  David sat motionless and silent for a moment, then, took a breath. “I can give you more time, Ara. I love you, too, and if time is all you need to change your mind—then I can give you that.”

  “I’d like that.” I nodded, dropping my hand from his skin. “The end of the summer I’m sure about, but I’m not ready to say goodbye forever—not just yet.” I flashed him a grin. “Maybe I’ll change my mind about becoming a vampire once I’ve had some time to think about it all.”

  He took my hand and, after another long pause, where he stared at our intertwined fingers, I noticed a glistening droplet of clear liquid on his cheek.

  “David, what’s wrong?” I reached out and caught the lukewarm tear on my fingertip. “Why are you sad?”

  His grip tightened around my fingers and he placed his other hand on top. “I was so afraid I’d lost you. You can’t know what I’ve been through these past days, Ara. There is no way now to describe the relief I feel that you know about me—and that you’re still here.” He held up our hands, clasped together, and shook them once. “It’s almost like…I am afraid I’ll wake up in a moment and none of this will be real, you—” he touched my face, “won’t be real. If I had lost you—if you had told me I was wrong about our love, that you can never love me for what I am—I would’ve died inside. If I was human, I would have committed suicide.”