Q stroked her leg. “I would notice.”
That’s because you love me. She doesn’t.
“What about your step-father, Robert Klein? He’s quite a celebrity. But how is he in real life?”
“He’s nice, but we don’t have a close relationship.” She didn’t say that while Robert was always polite, he’d never talked to her on a personal level. By the way he sometimes looked at her with puppy eyes, she suspected he felt guilty to be the reason her mother had abandoned her way back then.
“I’ve even been to several of his performances – he truly is a great tenor. His voice is outstanding.”
Hilde nodded. “When did you last see him perform?”
“Earlier this year. I saw him sing in Rheingold by Richard Wagner and Iphigenia in Tauris by Christoph Willibald Gluck.”
“You like music?”
“I do. A lot.”
“What’s your favorite instrument?”
“That’s easy. The transverse flute.”
Hilde cocked her head. “That’s a strange instrument for a man to like.”
“Not at all. There is something so soothing about the smooth notes. I should play for you some day.”
“I’d love that,” Hilde agreed. “I used to like going to the opera and even musical concerts, but since the Nazis have instituted their Gleichschaltung, they’re destroying even the classic operas. Have you noticed how they changed certain characters and some lyrics in Rheingold to adapt it to the Nazi philosophy?”
“I’m afraid I haven’t. It was the first time I’ve seen this opera.” He glanced over to her. “But I’m not surprised. National Socialism is slowly taking over every aspect of our lives. Whether we want it or not.”
“Isn’t there something we can do?” she asked, but Q only shook his head and changed the subject. “What about your father?”
“I don’t talk to him anymore. Not since I left. He’s married to my step-mother, Emma. They have two daughters, my half-sisters, Sophie and Julia.”
“How long have you been gone?”
“Four years.”
“That’s a long time.” He reached for her hand to squeeze it before he let it go and grabbed the steering wheel again. “Why did you leave?”
She sighed. Why? It had seemed like a good decision, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. “We had a fight. I don’t even remember the reason. We always fought. My step-mother is the complete opposite of my mother. She was very strict and never let me go out, or do any of the enjoyable things teenagers like to do.”
Q chuckled. “You probably fought about something stupid and completely irrelevant for anyone but a teenager. I do remember those days.”
Hilde sent him a surprised glance. “I thought you and your mother always got along well?”
“We did. But we still fought when she wouldn’t allow me to do things that I wanted to do. Isn’t that normal?”
Maybe it was, but to her, it had meant a great deal. She’d felt like Emma was out to ruin all her fun, to show her how bad a person Hilde was and how much she disturbed their little family. How much I wasn’t wanted.
“How old are your sisters?” Q asked.
Hilde had to calculate their ages. “Julia is nine years younger than me and Sophie thirteen. That would make them thirteen and nine by now. It’s been such a long time.”
“Don’t you miss them?”
She crunched her nose. “I’m not sure. You see, I was eight years old when my father married Emma and took me to live with them. One year later, Julia was born. I felt so dispensable. I hated her. I envied her for having a mother who cared for her. When Sophie arrived, things got worse. Emma didn’t have that much time anymore. She was always occupied with the two little ones and I…” Tears sprang to her eyes.
“Liebling, please don’t cry. That was a long time ago, and I’m sure she loves you.”
“Well, if she did, she hid that part very well,” Hilde said stubbornly. “We fought all the time. About everything. And my father always took her side. After one particularly nasty fight, I packed my bags and moved to Berlin to live with my mother.”
“Does your mother still talk to your father?”
“Talk? Not that I know of. She hates him with all her heart. I’ve never heard her say anything nice about him. I guess that’s why I haven’t spoken to him again. She would make my life hell.”
“She may have her reasons,” said Q. “We don’t know what happened between them and whether she still has hurt feelings about their separation.”
Hilde snorted. “Hurt feelings? You don’t know her. And it was she who left him. He was fighting on the front lines of the Great War when she left him.”
“She took you while he was off fighting for his country?” Q asked, unable to hide the surprise in his voice.
“Oh, no. She didn’t take me. I was an inconvenience. She dumped me on my grandmother’s doorstep and took off with Robert.”
“I’m so sorry, Liebling. That must have been an awful experience for you.”
“It was. My grandmother was the sweetest person around, but I still waited year after year for my mother to come back for me. Or my father.”
He grew silent for a few minutes before he asked, “Don’t you think it’s time to talk to your father and his family again?”
Hilde violently shook her head. “No.”
“Hilde, family is important. Don’t you want to know if they’re doing well?”
She pressed her lips together. “He knows where I am and hasn’t made an effort to contact me. Why should I contact him?”
“It’s always difficult to make the first step. Perhaps he’s as hurt as you are. Will you at least keep that idea in your head?”
Hilde looked at him and saw the love in his face. Contrary to everyone else in the world, Q indeed cared for her and wanted to help. She gave him credit for his concern, but she wasn’t ready to revisit the past and fight her demons. “Fine. But I won’t promise anything.”
“Fair enough. Just think about it.”
Chapter 22
One year turned into another, and Hilde finally got her chance to meet Q’s mother, Ingrid. She lived in Berlin, but up till now, the timing had never worked for Hilde to accompany him to see her.
Hilde had been on edge for days, wanting to make the best possible impression. She stood in front of her closet and eyed her entire wardrobe for hours, choosing an outfit only to discard it the next moment. She heard the clock ticking in the background. I’m running out of time. If I don’t choose something soon, I’ll have to go in the nude. She giggled at the thought. That would definitely make an impression.
Finally, she put on a cream-white starched blouse with short sleeves and a tiny vee-neck. The dark green woolen skirt dropped to mid-calf, and she pulled on the matching jacket to finish off her look. She then entered the bathroom to put on some makeup and pinned her shoulder-length hair into an elegant roll on top of her head. She glanced into the mirror, satisfied with her efforts. Exactly the image I want to convey to his mother. She just has to like me!
Less than a minute later, the doorbell rang; Q waited for her outside with two flower bouquets in his hands. “For the two women I love,” he said and held the bigger one out to her. Hilde’s heart melted, and her nervousness was all but gone.
“Thank you so much.” She sniffed at the beautiful orange, yellow, and red flowers and rushed to put the bouquet into a vase before she returned to the door and Q.
They drove more than half an hour until he parked the car in front of a building on the other side of Berlin. The building had definitely seen better days, but that was true for most of the capital.
Q opened the car door for her and helped her out. He pulled a touch harder than necessary, and she flew into his arms. With a mischievous grin, he took the chance to hold her tight for a moment and kiss her neck.
“You did that on purpose,” she said once he released her.
“Who? Me? You really think I could do so
mething so unashamed?”
She broke out in laughter and took his hand. Q had the ability to make her feel secure and joyous at the same time. And the more she got to know him, the more she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
Q knocked on the door, and a few moments later, an old lady with brilliant white hair and a dark brown skirt and sweater combination opened the door.
“Wilhelm! Come in, come in. And you must be Hildegard.” She pulled both of them into the small apartment and hugged first her son and then Hilde.
“Please, just Hilde, Frau Quedlin,” she said.
“Don’t be silly, dear. Call me Ingrid.” The older woman released her and glanced her over before turning to Q. “She’s beautiful, son.”
He winked and nodded. “I know.”
Ingrid chuckled and then led the way to the kitchen. “I’m sorry, but this is the only table I have. The place is just too small. Do you want tea?”
“Yes. Please. May I help you with something?” Hilde asked.
“No, dear. My Wilhelm can help. You sit and enjoy.” Hilde watched as Q hurried around the small kitchen to do his mother’s bidding.
“Hilde, this is such a treat for me. Wilhelm has never brought a girlfriend with him.”
Hilde’s ears started burning, and she wished she’d worn her hair down. “He hasn’t? Well, he shall bring me from now on.”
Ingrid smiled at her and reached up to press the cross around her neck between her thumb and forefinger. Hilde’s eyes followed the gesture and she commented, “That’s a beautiful necklace.”
“Thank you, dear. It helps me to cope with all the worries and hardships.”
Hilde saw the eyes of Q’s mother water and she bit her lip. But just a moment later, Ingrid had gathered her composure and asked, “Now, tell me about you, my dear.”
“I work at an insurance company.”
“That’s good. So many people are out of work nowadays. The government does its best to generate jobs, but it’s just not enough. They even had to release long-time government employees like my son, Gunther.”
Hilde’s eyes widened, and Q sent her a warning glare before he nodded. “Yes, it’s such a shame he and his family had to move so far away.” Turning to Hilde, he added, “Mother is besotted with her grandchildren.”
Ingrid cocked her head and scrutinized Q as if she was expecting him to add something, but she looked at Hilde again and asked, “Have you met Gunther and his family?”
Hilde dutifully responded, “I met him several months ago, but his wife and sons were absent that day.” She didn’t add that he hadn’t liked her at all – a feeling that was mutual.
“Well, since he’s not here, I can tell you Wilhelm was always my favorite son.” Ingrid patted his arm and smiled. “Probably because he was born when the others were already half grown. He got all the attention, almost like a single child. I was afraid I spoiled him too much because he never showed interest in marrying and having children.”
Q rolled his eyes. “Mother…”
“Come on, Wilhelm. You do have honorable intentions with this lovely girl, don’t you?” It was refreshing to notice that, for once, he was the one blushing and squirming. Who’d have thought his mother held that kind of power?
Q turned towards Hilde and said, “Have I told you my mother is a follower of Rudolf Steiner and his theory of anthroposophy?”
Ingrid was quick to explain. “Through meditation, you can control your thinking, your will, and create an atmosphere of impartiality and positivity. It helps to understand the greater picture and calm down your own grief and negativity.”
Hilde smiled and nodded, not sure she quite understood. Q must have seen the look of confusion on her face and added, “I like some of Steiner’s ideas. Especially his take on organic or biodynamic agriculture. Since I’ve started working for the Reich Institute, I’ve studied many of his essays, pointing out the dangers of synthetic fertilizers for the ecosystem as a whole. He promotes the idea that a farm as the smallest agricultural unit thrives through diversity, and the integration of livestock and crops into a closed loop of cross-fertilization.”
“Oh, Wilhelm. That’s marvelous.”
Ingrid’s eyes lit up, and Hilde watched as she and her son discussed the benefits and drawbacks of Rudolf Steiner’s philosophy. While Q argued from the scientific angle, his mother understood anthroposophy from a more intuitive and spiritual angle.
Both of them had all but forgotten about Hilde, and she sensed a stab to her heart as she witnessed how much love those two held for each other. Their relationship was so much closer than she’d ever had with her mother or her step-mother. Even when they didn’t agree on a point, they never became angry or irritated with the other person.
The more she observed Q’s interaction with his mother, the more pensive she became. Since her mother had first left her at the age of two, she’d felt homeless. Unloved. Not even when her father had finally taken her to live with him and his new wife six years later had she felt like she belonged.
Now, in hindsight, she understood Emma was a good woman and had tried to give Hilde a home. But the little girl carried so much hurt with her, she didn’t want to accept Emma as a mother. She’d wanted her birth mother to love her!
In fact, her whole life had been a quest for love – to be loved by the one person who wasn’t able to give her the love she longed for. At the same time, she’d put up walls around her heart to keep away any other person. Afraid to experience the same rejection and hurt again.
She’d vowed to never love again. To keep her heart safe and sound. Q had been the first person to dig a hole into her wall of defense. He made her feel safe. Loved. The center of his world. She never had any doubts that he might one day abandon her.
“Everything all right?” he asked as they drove back home.
“Just thinking. You have such a good relationship with your mother. Something I never had with either of my parents.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. You still have time to reconcile with your father.”
She grew quiet, and when they were almost back to their destination, she nodded. “It might be worth trying. Should I write him a letter?”
“A letter sounds like a great first step.”
“I’ll do it. I’ll write the letter tonight and send it off in the morning before work.”
Q’s eyes showed how proud he was of her. When he dropped her off at her front door, he kissed her lingeringly and said, “I love you.”
Her heart stopped. There it was. That dreaded love word. She’d known it all along, since she met him, but today was the first time he’d said it. Her whole body tensed as the meaning of his words settled in her soul. I love you. She wanted to repeat those words, but her throat was dry as a sand dune and no words would come out.
As always, Q seemed to know exactly what was going on inside her, because he put a finger to her lips and whispered, “You don’t have to say anything, Hildelein. I loved you from the first moment I saw you – no, from the first moment I heard you laugh – in the moving-picture theater, and every day since then my love for you has grown stronger and deeper.” Then he took her tense hands into his and added, “I promise, I will never abandon you. I will love you until I draw my last breath.”
Tears pooled in her eyes and she pressed her body against his, embracing him with all her strength, as if she could keep them joined like this forever. And finally – finally – the wall around her heart came crumbling down with a force that almost blew her away. “I love you, too. I love you so much, it almost hurts.”
He kissed her cheek and then removed himself from her grip to hold her at arm’s length. “Is this why you’re weeping?”
She couldn’t do anything but nod, and Q wiped away her tears with his finger. “Don’t cry, my love.”
Hilde kissed him one last time and then slipped inside. She had a letter to write.
Writing the letter was easier than she’d thought it w
ould be. Maybe it was because the ice that had surrounded her heart for so long had finally thawed.
The next morning, she left for work a few minutes early, sticking the letter into the post box. When she turned around with a feeling of satisfaction and pride, reality set in.
A man dressed in nothing but rags shoved a woman waiting at the tram station and ran off with her handbag. Hilde gasped as the woman started screaming, “Hilfe, ein Dieb!” pointing to the running man with her handbag.
Within moments, SS policemen were chasing the thief down. He didn’t even get two buildings away before he was surrounded. But rather than arresting him, Hilde witnessed how the SS officers began beating him with their wooden bats.
She wanted to puke at the awful spectacle and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed. But all the other passersby continued as if nothing had happened; nobody even raised their head to watch. A man was being beaten to death in front of her eyes, and nobody did anything to stop this barbaric behavior. “He’s stolen a purse, for God’s sake. That’s not a capital crime,” she murmured to herself.
Her head whirled with emotions, and she took a step forward, driven by the need to stop the horrific scene, only to have her shoulder grabbed harshly. She turned her head and glared into the eyes of a stranger. He dragged her away from the scene, growling at her, “Are you crazy, woman? Do you want to die too? Move along.”
Hilde stared at the man, following him like a puppet around the corner. Only then did he release her, and she came back to reality with a jolt. “Thank you. I was…I’m sorry.”
He glanced at her. “Be more careful from now on. It would be a shame. You’re such a beautiful young woman.”
In a daze, she nodded and turned on her heel to walk to work, not looking at anyone or stopping for anything. But the picture of the SS officers beating a handbag thief to death had been deeply ingrained into her mind.
Chapter 23
Q impatiently waited for Hilde to get off work. When she left the building, he waved over and shouted, “Darling, come here. I want to show you something.”
Unrelenting: Love and Resistance in Pre-War Germany Page 11
